by C. J. Duggan
Don’t cry, Ellie. Don’t. Cry.
Chapter Seventeen
I could hear the muffled sound of cheers and hollering behind me. Determined to put as much distance between them and me, I stormed off across the drive, but was stopped to a sudden standstill as a hand gripped around my arm, pulling me up abruptly. My head snapped around, glowering at the hand before lifting up to see Adam’s smiling face.
“Whoa, where are you going, Parker?”
Confused, I looked back to the bus, seeing the animated hordes inside banging on the glass and making kissy-kissy faces. And there, sitting just as dumbfounded as I, was Megsy, the very last thing I saw before the bus pulled away from the drive, honking and driving away the Onslow rabble.
“What are you doing?” I asked, tired, emotional, seriously over it.
“Well, if you let me get a bloody word in.”
I immediately went to reply but then thought better of it. Adam seemed expectant of an outburst, lifting his brows and shaking his head. “Always such a bloody hothead.”
“You took me off the bus!” I shouted.
“We’re not going by bus.”
“What?”
Adam sighed, grabbing me by my hand and pulling me behind him down the driveway. “Come on.”
“Where are we going?” I said, trying to keep up and wincing at the pebbles slipping into my shoes. “You know it’s just as bloody well you got off that bus; I was willing to steal a bike Goonies style and track you down, Adam Henderson.”
Adam laughed, tightening his hold on my hand, dragging me to walk by his side but still holding on in case I decided to flee.
“I wouldn’t dare, you’re bloody scary. I could almost feel the skin melt off my face with that filthy look you were giving me.” Adam shuddered, as if reliving the horror all over again.
Only then did my resolve melt and I could feel a reluctant smile spread across my lips as we made our way, hand in hand, down the steep embankment toward Lake Onslow that was still littered with tourists enjoying the last of the evening sun. I didn’t ask any more questions; Adam was being cryptic so I let him lead me down the hill, almost forgetting that we even had a party to go to, that maybe this would be what it would be like to walk along, holding hands. It made me feel all giddy inside; I had held Adam’s hand lots of times, but that was before I had been swamped by all these confusing feelings.
Adam seemed to become more geared up as we headed toward the pontoon.
“Let me guess,” I mused, as Adam led me out over the boarded walkway.
“You want to arrive in style, don’t you?” Adam threw me a devilish smile over his shoulder as he led me toward the very place I suspected.
We pulled up short in front of Adam’s speed boat, a sleek, sexy-looking beast of a thing that had dragged me around Lake Onslow on skis more times than I could count. Adam let go of my hand, moving to manoeuvre his way onto the boat.
“Still mad?” he asked, all smug as he popped open the lid of an esky, retrieving a Pineapple Vodka Cruiser and holding it up to me.
I laughed, shaking my head. “Why didn’t you just tell me we were heading out this way?”
“Because if I told you not to keep me waiting it would still be eight o’clock by the time we got here. I thought you would be less likely to keep a bus full of people waiting.”
“Says the boy who is perpetually late to everything in life.”
Adam shrugged, twisting off the cap to a Carlton Draught stubby. “I’m here, aren’t I?”
He had a point. For the first time in perhaps his existence, Adam had been punctual, more than punctual. He had been forward thinking even; what was going on?
“Aren’t you coming?” he said, snapping me out of my daydream.
“What? And miss the VIP experience? I think not.”
***
“Oh shit, oh shit! Adam, my hair,” I screamed above his laughter and the sound of the motor as we deliberately made circles and tore along the lake’s surface. The more I screamed the faster he went, as always torturing me.
“Steeooop, I’ll be sick,” I pleaded, not too convincingly if my laughter had anything to do with it. “Aren’t we meant to be arriving in style?” I shouted above the engine, sweeping the curtain of hair from my face, grimacing at the hour it had taken me to straighten it into perfection.
“We are,” Adam said, finally slowing and cutting a straight line through the murky lake water. “I mean, look at us!”
For the first time I managed to actually look at Adam, really look at him. Behind the steering wheel, Ray-Bans on, his dark hair shifting in the wind. He wore a white-and-navy-checked shirt over a white tee and dark jeans; he made me want to do very bad things to him. And as selfish as it seemed, I kind of wished that we could have stayed this way tonight, that we didn’t have to go to a party, that we could just stay out on the lake and drink booze and watch the sun go down like we always did over the summer. We hadn’t done it in ages though, and the thought that Adam had decided we could make it to the party this way had made me so deliriously happy, a total 360 to how I had felt only moments before. Hurt, shocked, mad, devastated. I should have known better; I should have guessed that Adam would never have done that to me, or anyone. He wasn’t like that. Adam wasn’t the kind to kick anyone off the bus, he would always be the one to offer his seat first; he really was nothing like me. And for all his flaws, his aggravating ways, his tendency to torture me, or even stand me up, he nevertheless made me want to be a better person, a good person. And if I was to be even half the person that he was then I would be pretty bloody remarkable.
“What?” Adam asked. It was only then I realised that I had been staring at him; no, probably ogling him for God knows how long.
“Nothing,” I lied. “Just thinking, I’ve missed this.”
“What, Onslow?”
You. Us.
“Yeah, who’da thought, hey?”
Adam slowed now, gliding along at a speed where the wind simply blew my hair in the right direction and my stomach wasn’t in my throat.
“You don’t usually know what you’ve got till it’s gone,” he said.
Wasn’t that the truth?
“When are you heading back?”
“Tomorrow night, so just easy on these, okay?” I held up my almost-finished Cruiser.
“There’s plenty more where it came from.”
“That’s what I’m afraid of,” I said, sipping on the last of the Pineapple Vodka, which tasted more like cordial than alcohol.
“You can say no, you know.”
“Ha! You tend to be very persuasive, Mr Henderson; hence, me on the floor of the ladies’ toilets last night.”
Adam held up one hand. “Hey, I was only partially responsible for your demise.”
That was a pretty accurate account. Still, I would never admit that.
“It only seems to happen when we’re together.”
“So what? No one to carry you home and put you to bed in the big city?” Adam laughed.
“I don’t wipe myself out in the city like I do here. Onslow is bad for my health.”
Adam lowered the throttle, killing the engine as we drifted along the lake.
He must have read my confusion. “What? We’re here,” he said, pointing to the distance with his stubby.
I hadn’t even realised we had arrived, that there in the very distance was the twinkling lights and soft thrums of music playing.
“Won’t we be late?” I questioned.
“Nah, we’ve got plenty of time,” Adam said, taking a seat near the esky.
“It’s a surprise party, remember? We can’t really afford to be Adam Henderson fashionably late.”
“Geez, where’s the trust?”
“I just don’t want to miss seeing Tess’s face,” I said, sitting next to Adam who instinctively passed me another Cruiser as I looked over the lake toward Sean’s house.
“Yeah, it’s going to be pretty sweet seeing her face light up,”
Adam mused, sipping on a fresh beer.
“Do you think they can see us?” I said, mainly to myself.
Adam craned his neck around to where I was looking. “Oh, I don’t know, I think they will be running around like headless chickens. Amy will be shouting orders and bossing Sean around to hang last-minute lighting.”
I grimaced. “I think I would prefer to be here.”
“Cheers to that.” Adam clinked his glass bottle against mine, and like always, as tradition called, we made eye contact when we ‘cheersed’, our stare unbroken until we drank, because like any Onslow Boy would tell you it was bad luck if you cheersed without making eye contact. It was something I really loved, and tried to explain at lunch one time with my city friends, but they’d all looked at me like I was some creeper staring into their eyes.
I laughed at the memory, half expecting Adam to probe on my sudden outburst, but instead of his usual inquisitive nature I turned to see him absentmindedly peeling off the label to his beer. A million miles away, the same serious crease pinched between his brows in deep thought; he looked so much like Chris whenever he did this, it was really unnerving.
“Hey, earth to Adam,” I said, playfully nudging him with my elbow. I expected him to break into a smile, blink into reality and snap into old Adam again, but he didn’t. His frown deepened and I could feel a new anxiety twist my stomach anytime I couldn’t read Adam, which had been a lot lately.
“Adam.” I shifted closer to him, our shoulders touching in that usual comforting way we did. “What’s wrong?”
Adam took a deep swig of his beer, probably taking the moment to stall me from my questions. It worked for a long minute as he swallowed and gathered himself, shaking his head. “No, nothing,” he said, forcing a light-heartedness upon himself that wasn’t fooling me. It was like that time I found him wandering the school yard after his heart had been broken by Megsy; I saw straight through him. I suddenly felt ill; was this what this was about? Her? Was he afraid to tell me something, knowing how I felt about her? Had she been looking at the bed in his room remembering sleeping in it last weekend? Had they already slept together? Is this why he had brought me here, in the middle of the lake, prior to the party, to confess his feelings and have my blessing? Was it too late to jump overboard and swim ashore? I couldn’t bear that talk, there would be no way I could stomach this conversation, not now, not ever. Not about Megsy, not about any girl.
I didn’t want to push him. I didn’t want to know. I wanted to simply drift, and drink and laugh like we always did. I didn’t want my memories of the lake to change, to be marred by heartache; surely he wouldn’t do that to me? But, of course, why wouldn’t he? The biggest mistake I had made from New Year’s was not telling Adam how I felt about him, by trying to bury my feelings so deep and deny them, and now here he was, completely oblivious, about to unknowingly hurt me. I suddenly wished he had kicked me off the bus, that he had stayed on and simply driven away. It would by far be easier to go on hating him than loving him knowing that he would never be mine.
I swear I was holding my breath, although I knew that wasn’t true because I could see the heavy rise and fall of my chest as I sat and watched Adam, sitting there, unable to make eye contact with me, his shoulders sagged, his spirit defeated. I would have reached out to him, felt sorry for him had I not been so completely terrified of my heart breaking into a million pieces.
And before I had the courage to be that better person I was working on because of Adam, to pluck up the courage to tell him:
You know you can tell me anything, right?
Adam beat me to it, finally breaking the silence.
“Ellie, there’s something I’ve got to tell you.”
I could feel my chest expand, my heart thundering so fast I felt light-headed. This was it. This was the end. And as I felt the sting of tears burn my eyes, Adam went to speak. We were interrupted by the sudden and unexpected beep of Adam’s pocket that made us both flinch. I clutched my heart, convinced that it couldn’t take anymore. Adam cursed, delving into his pocket and flipping out his mobile to read the screen; only then did the serious frown lift into alarm.
“Oh shit!”
“What? What is it?” I said, shifting onto my knees, trying to look at the screen.
Adam’s widened eyes lifted to me.
“They’re here. Tess and Toby have arrived.”
Chapter Eighteen
We had failed. On so many levels.
We heard the elated screams of “Surprise!” echo over the water just as we closed in to pull up to Sean’s jetty. The approach was frantic, clumsy; I almost ended up in the lake disembarking the boat. I didn’t even wait for Adam; I had one thought and one thought alone. I abandoned my thongs, hitched up my skirt and bolted toward Sean’s house, which of course was about eleven million steep steps away. I could hear Adam make up some ground; he was practically on my heels as we made our way up to the house. Seriously, why build on top of a mountain? A stitch pulled at my insides and I could barely breathe through the pain but I had to keep going, I had to press on as if my life depended on it. As if by some small miracle we would get to the top and not be too late. I had wanted so badly to be the first face for Tess to see, standing there next to Adam. The way I had envisioned it had been so poetic. Never once did I think I would be barging in late, all dishevelled and sweaty, my hair all tangled and messy, breathless and completely, as always, stealing the limelight, but not in a good way.
We burst through the main entrance to Sean’s house, a giant, modern wooden door that opened out into a long hall. We entered so fast we slid along the floorboards, Adam stopping me from toppling over.
“This way,” he breathed, grabbing me by the hand and pulling me toward the loud voices and music. A part of me wanted to simply turn around and head back to the boat. I felt like a feral gatecrasher to a party, that everyone would turn around and stare at us. The two worst best friends in the whole world.
Thankfully we slid into the back of the room, undetected except by those we momentarily distracted as we slid past them. Adam pulled me through the thick of the crowd in the large open lounge, with windows that fully opened out onto the deck overlooking the lake. It wasn’t until we shifted to a clearing to the side that we could actually see Tess and Toby. Engulfed by a clustering of family members. Tess’s mum hugging her, pulling back and wiping the tears from Tess’s cheeks; she was crying, but she was happy, I could see that much. I could feel my own eyes flood with the overwhelming feeling of happiness, and complete devastation that I hadn’t been here to see her face, to witness her utter shock of such a beautiful moment when everyone yelled “Surprise”. I felt Adam squeeze my hand and I looked at his profile to see he was experiencing the same intense feeling of pride. His eyes were shiny with a raw emotion and it made me want to throw my arms around him and never let go. But I didn’t. Instead, I let go of his hand and excused myself past the crowd toward the happy couple, waiting to the side as their parents finished up their congratulations and how excruciating it had been keeping it a secret for so long. I really wasn’t the most patient person but nothing else mattered because past all of her family Tess’s eyes locked with mine, and she started crying all over again. She moved past her mum and dad and closed the distance toward me, wrapping her arms around me, crushing all the air from me. The familiarity of my best friend’s embrace had me ugly crying into her hair.
“I’m so sorry, Tess, I’m so sorry,” I blubbered. I was sorry for being a shitty friend, for being so self-absorbed and so clueless to her needs. For not being there when she needed me, for lying to her, not confiding in her, and not even being able to get my shit together enough to be here for her surprise because once again I had put my feelings, my issues before hers.
Tess laughed through her own tears, pulling back and wiping my cheeks just like her mum had done to her.
“What are you sorry about? You’re here and I love you for it.”
“Yeah, late, what kind of
friend …”
“Oh, stop it, you’re here and you’re amazing, now stop making me cry.” And just as Tess worked on clearing the smudges under her eyes, her focus landed on Adam, who hovered to the side, almost with an anxious air about him before moving in to grab Tess into a big bear hug.
“You surprised?” he asked, kissing her on the head and continuing his hold. Tess looked around at the beautifully lit room, themed in gold and navy, a huge banner with ‘Toby and Tess’ bridging the walkway between the inside and out. Catering waiters fluttered around the place with trays of champagne and canapés.
“Ah, yeah,” she laughed, “considering Toby said he just wanted to drop in to pick up a car part from Sean; this was not something I expected in a million years.” Tess threw an accusing eye at Toby who was caught in his own manly embrace with Sean, the ultimate symbol of true friendship. I stepped forward; putting everything aside for tonight, I wrapped my arms around Adam and Tess, and they adjusted to let me in, sweeping their arms around me for the group hug. I looked at my two beautiful friends and vowed I would do better, be better as a friend. I didn’t know if that was possible; after all, I had made many vows in my life and usually broke them all. From this moment on things would be different: no more selfish drama, secrets or lies; I had to start being real and to do that I had to start with the people that meant the most in my life.
I had to start with Tess; I had to start with Adam.
***
Things had changed. Adam and I didn’t burn up the dance floor as tradition would have predicted. Instead, we moved in different circles; the party was big enough to do it with ease. I never sought him out and he never sought me out. I wasn’t even sure if I was going back home in the boat or some other way. I tried not to think about it. I tried to push all the instinctual ‘Ellie stuff’ aside, for at least one night. It never completely stopped me from watching Adam or keeping tabs on him in my peripheral vision. Never more so than when I saw him leaning against the bar talking to Megsy; it was around the same time I decided to drag Ringer onto the dance floor as the band played a rather excellent cover of ‘Brown Eyed Girl’. I actually did get lost in the feeling of the music and just enjoyed the over-the-top rock-and-roll-style movements of Ringer spinning me around the floor.
