by Martha Long
I sat starin without blinkin, an he did the same. Then he jumped at me again, shoutin. ‘Reformatory!’ he barked, suddenly snufflin an rubbin his nose, tryin te get rid of a long bunch a grey hair stickin down, then sat back again, watchin me like a hawk te see how I was takin this. ‘You should never have been sent to that convent in the first place! The Reverend Mother is right. So what do you think about that?’ he asked, waitin te hear wha I had te say.
I said nothin. I don’t give a curse! They can send me where they like, so long as it’s not back te tha bandy bastard Jackser! Nothin they do will ever be as bad as tha.
‘So! What do you have to say for yourself?’
I sat starin, keepin me face still, sayin nothin.
‘Do you know what a reformatory is like?’ he asked, tryin te put the fear a God inta me.
‘Yeah, they beat the hell outa ye! An make ye work.’
‘Exactly! So that’s where you are going. Where you should have been sent in the first place. I never heard the like of it, sending the likes of people like you to a convent like that!’ He was gettin himself all worked up, hopin I’d start floodin inta tears an askin fer mercy, hopin I’d get a second chance.
But I’m not goin te do tha. If they don’t want me in tha convent, so te hell wit them. I’ll still do the same amount a time in the reformatory, an hard work never kilt anyone. An I’m used te Jackser beatin the shite outa me. So I’ll manage till me time is up.
‘Have you any questions? Do you want to say something to me?’ he asked, wakin me from me thoughts.
‘Right! Will I be goin down be train?’ I asked him, thinkin about the time I went on one te the Sunshine Home. Me heart dropped fer a minute, thinkin tha was a really lovely time I had then.
He scratched the back of his baldy head an lifted his lips like he wanted te touch the hair growin outa his nose an snorted, lookin aroun the room. ‘Listen! You are hanging on by a string there in that convent! One more complaint about you, and we will get that court order struck out. Yes! Our hands are tied at the moment; there is not much we can really do about getting you moved. We haven’t got sufficient grounds. Unfortunately, the judge made the order specifying you be sent there, and not for punishment. But! And mark this,’ he said, wavin his finger slowly at me. ‘You give us the grounds by not behaving yourself and you will be moved to a reformatory where you belong before you can say Flash Gordon! Now get out of my sight, and I don’t want to see your face in here again, or you will definitely be heading your way to a reformatory tailor-made for just the likes of you: in the heart of the country, out in the midde of nowhere, miles from the nearest town. Go on, scat!’ An he waved his papers at me, jumpin up te open the door an goin out te tell the Miss I was ready.
She came rushin herself up the stairs all smiles fer the man, an he said te tell the Reverend Mother he would be in touch in the near future.
CHAPTER 6
Iwoke up an the sun was shinin in the dormitory winda. Lovely! I stretched meself, feelin the warm comfortable sheets, an I still don’t have te move. Nobody called us. I looked aroun at the empty beds. Only a few of us left. School is finished fer the summer holidays an all the torments are gone off on their holidays te stay wit their godparents. Pity I never got te get godparents, I could go off on me holidays, too.
Ah, it’s goin te be great just havin the few of us aroun. I wonder wha’s goin te happen now I’m fourteen? Yeah! I made sure te remember tha, I had me birthday last week, an I went aroun tellin everyone it was me birthday; they were fed up listenin te me. But they didn’t understand it meant the world te me te remember fer the first time in me life the day I was born. Yeah! I waited fourteen years, an it was great. I felt really special. Everyone said happy birthday te me an sang happy birthday in the refectory at teatime. Sister Eleanor gave me a holy picture as a remembrance, an a slice a cake. Hm! Me first birthday!
I wonder will I get sent te the technical school? I’ve no chance of goin te the secondary school; ye have te be very brainy fer tha. An I only got te stay for a little while at the primary school, sittin in the fifth class learnin nothin. Cos I didn’t know anythin te begin wit. Pity tha, I woulda loved te be able te sit an learn. But ye have te spend years learnin yer way through all the classes, an I only got te go te tha fifth class, an not knowin wha was goin on aroun me, ye can’t just know how te do long division without someone showin ye, an I was supposed te know tha be the time I got te tha class! Yeah! I really do regret tha. Oh well! Could be worse I suppose; lucky I taught meself how te read. Some of them here can’t even do tha. I managed te get ahead of them in the English, an I’m good at figures, so tha’s all tha matters. I can do a lot fer meself be teachin meself how te speak properly for a start. Yeah! I must get goin on tha. Even if the others laugh at me. Lately I’ve been practisin when I answer the prayers at rosary time. Fuck them! I’m goin te get meself ahead in this life. Yeah!
I leapt outa bed an threw on me clothes, headin off te the refectory te get somethin te eat. I bounced down the stairs takin them two at a time, feelin light as air inside meself. Me hand was slidin along down the lovely shiny mahogany banisters, an I leaned over te slide down the rest a the way, when I got a fright. Not on yer nelly! Last year I nearly lost me life doin tha. I tumbled over backwards, sailin through thin air, straightenin up as I fell, an grabbed out instinctively, me hands landin on solid wood, grabbin hold a the banisters, seein meself swingin over an almighty drop. Jaysus! It must be a hundred feet drop down te the bottom onta the tiled passage.
I was shakin like jelly when I kicked out at the banisters an got me foot under, an hauled meself back up te the land a the livin, te survive an tell the tale. Ahhh! I learned me lesson good an proper. I shivered me shoulders thinkin back on tha time an floated on, landin on the landin. I stopped te listen te the silence an watch the early-mornin sun comin in an floodin the whole passage. The only sound I could hear is the birds havin their early-mornin get togethers te meet an eat an fight an have great gas, screamin an chatterin, all tryin te get their own point across!
‘No! Quick! Over here! Lookit! The best spot, lots a crumbs down here, it’s safer, there’s a cat up tha end!’
‘No! Listen the lot a ye’s. Head for the kitchens: that’s where ye get everythin!’
‘No! There’s a big black fuckin cat over there. An a dog! Yeah! An a dog!’
Then the sparrow lost his crust. I could hear the almighty screams.
‘Ehhhh! Gimme back tha! Get yer claws offa me grub!’
‘Catch me! Ha, ha!’
‘Bleedin robber!’
It sounds like the pack a young ones in this place.
I took in a sharp breath, holdin it an lettin it go. Oh, it’s lovely, nothin te worry about, an nearly the whole place te meself, wit only a few of us left. The heat from the sun was great, warmin me from head te toe. Jaysus! This place would freeze the arse off ye in the winter. We all trail aroun like hunched-up aul biddies lookin fer a bit a heat. The big metal storage heater in the playroom is no good. When you do get a chance te hoist yerself up an sit on it, ye either get the arse roasted offa ye, makin ye leap down, or it’s lukewarm, an the bigger ones sit nestin on it, an let a roar at ye te get lost. Tha’s when I get inta the hair-pullin fights. No one tells me te get lost! But it’s usually me an half the convent all jumpin in, an I’m stuck under a pile a bodies, all tryin te kill me. I manage te come up fer air be holdin onta the leader, takin no notice a wha they’re doin te me. I ignore the pain an wrap me fingers an anythin else I can wrap, puttin all me strength inta it, an makin her call off her hounds! It usually works. But no one calls me names, or starts a fight, or throws anythin at me when they’re on their own. Oh no! They would be afraid a their life, cowardly fuckers. Or not even if there’s two a them. No! I’ll never be one a them. I didn’t grow up in this place. Even the nuns keep their distance. Yeah, well, I’m not dependent on them. I can take care of meself, thank you very much!
I took off flyin down the rest of the s
tairs, jumpin onta the passage, feelin the hunger rise in me. I wonder wha’s fer breakfast? Now I’ll have all the bread te meself; I can eat as much as I want. I flew past the empty refectories, catchin sight a two young ones eatin their breakfast. Oh! There’s only two a them left in the middle group, an the youngest ones, the little four te six year olds, must be all gone, I thought, slidin me eyes past the glass winda seein it empty. I flew inta our refectory an two a the older girls who go out te work in preparation fer when they leave at sixteen were finished their breakfast.
‘How’re ya, girls?’
‘Oh! How’re you?’ Camille Lambert said, smilin at me as she dried her dishes.
‘Are ye off te work, Camille?’
‘Yeah! Better hurry, or they’ll dock me wage packet at the end of the week.’
‘Can ye not sneak in?’ I asked.
‘No! You have to clock in.’
‘Do ye ever get te eat any a them biscuits ye make in Jacob’s Factory, Camille?’
‘I don’t make them, I pack them, Martha, but they don’t let you take any home; some of them do, on the quiet, but I don’t want to lose me job.’
‘Yeah, yeah! Better bein safe than sorry. When will you be leavin this place, Camille?’
‘Oh, it won’t be long now, they’re tracing my mother, and when they find her . . .’ She dropped her head slowly, dryin the plate, thinkin about it. ‘She’s somewhere in England, that’s the last address they have for her,’ she said wit a slow sigh, liftin her head, lookin off inta the distance, a worried look in her eyes.
Poor Camille, she’d love te meet her mammy, I thought, starin at her lovely greeny-blue eyes. She’s real nice, very gentle. I like her.
‘Anyway, I’m hoping when they do, I can go and stay with her for a while.’
‘How long is it since ye last saw her, Camille?’ I asked her, lookin at the worried look in her eyes, seein them change, watchin a pain comin inta them, sensin the lonely feelin comin through her.
‘Gawd! It was a long time ago, Martha,’ she said wit a faraway look in her eyes. ‘I remember her dressing me, I couldn’t have been more than three, probably less, and she’d put me good coat on me with the matching hat, the pixie one . . .’
‘I remember havin one like tha!’ I shouted, gettin all excited.
Memories started te crowd back at me, too. Bein on the boat, headin fer Liverpool, or probably comin back, about the same age Camille is talkin about. Me ma wakin me up from the two chairs she’d put together, an showin me the new blue coat wit the fur collar an the matchin blue pixie hat. Me heart started te fall te pieces seein an feelin the time an the place an me mammy smilin, all excited, her eyes shinin down at me, holdin up the hat an coat te show me, an me grizzlin, wantin te go back te sleep, but starin at me ma’s face, likin her smilin, an lookin up at wha she was smilin about. Peelin me eyes on the hat an the coat. Oh, Mammy! Mammeee! Bring back them times! An I suddenly wanted te cry, feelin a terrible loss inside me, an a hunger leavin me empty. Then a pain hittin me, cos I could hear a loud bang, not in me head but down in me heart, of a big steel door slammin shut. Closin tha time an happy place fer ever. I can never get back te tha time. I wanted te open me mouth an cry me heart out until the pain an the loss eased in me, but it’s no good. Cos tha’s how it is. I dropped me head an squeezed me eyes shut, lettin tha thought push away the memory, then lifted meself an went on listenin te Camille.
‘I was put into a big black car and me mammy stood on the footpath, waving like mad, while some woman held me up, lifting my hand to wave back at her, and I was shocked, not even able to cry at that minute, watching me mammy waving and smiling and the car was taking me away from her . . .
‘I still see her standing there . . . waving at me,’ Camille said in a whisper, starin at the floor, her eyes starin back through time, seein her mother fer the last time.
I saw the movement shift her eyes, takin her back te here an the tears burstin out, then slowly roll down her cheeks.
She sniffed an gave a little laugh, wipin her nose quickly wit her hand, sayin, ‘Gawd! It must be after eight o’clock, I’m going to be late.’
She threw the tea towel on the sink, grabbin her handbag, an rushed out the door.
‘Come on, Camille! We’ll miss the bus,’ shouted Sammy Tyler, tearin out the back door.
‘I’m coming! Wait!’ shouted Camille, tearin after her.
I watched her go, thinkin it was very hard fer poor Camille an the rest a them. No wonder they are always goin mad te get Sister Eleanor’s attention, an goin mad when they don’t get it, an callin ye names if ye’re nice te the nun, jealous cos they know tha’s the way te get attention. But if ye do get yerself inta trouble, then tha’s it, she has nothin te do wit ye! Everyone gets inta trouble sometime, an tha’s when ye get left out in the cold. I’m always in trouble, so she hasn’t much te say te me, an I ramble aroun most of the time, waitin fer her te come down from the convent, hopin she’ll notice me an maybe be pleased wit me. But I’m not one of her pets an I’d give me right arm te be, yeah!
I have te be honest wit meself. It’s awfully lonely, an the pain of not bein liked be Sister Eleanor cripples me somethin terrible. All I want is a mammy, an she’s the one I want. Even if I’m too old fer all tha caper now! I still want te be made a fuss of, an have her call me pet an darling. Whether I’m too old or not! An waitin fer Sister Eleanor te appear back down from the convent takes all me time. An the hopin an the wishin an the lookin an the waitin, walkin the length an the breadth a the place. Just waitin te clap eyes on her keeps me goin. Rushin when I see her, an tryin te get meself squeezed in an be next te her, an distract her from all the other young ones hangin outa her, moanin about their complaints an lookin at me wit the rage in their eyes cos their chances of gettin a look in are lessenin wit another one joinin the pack te trail after her an shout about their wants.
Usually it comes te nothin cos she loses the rag an flies off talkin te herself about all the things she has te do an the things not done, an lets a roar at us. Then flies back te the convent an we stand on the convent passage watchin the door close wit a whoosh an know we can’t follow her through there. She’s taken the light wit her, an the hope an the expectation, leavin the place suddenly turnin dark an empty an cold. We stare at the door fer a few seconds, then everyone starts.
‘I hate that one!’ somebody suddenly turns aroun an shouts, starin at nothin, wit their mouth hangin open, feelin the rage in them at bein robbed.
‘Yeah,’ we mutter, me wishin I didn’t need her. Then just wander off, some wit their heads hangin down, trailin the floor, an others wit disgust, a sour look on their face, an find somethin else te do, an wait fer the next time she comes back.
I found a way te get her attention. ‘Do ye want me te do somethin fer ye, Sister Eleanor?’ I shout, flyin like mad up te her when I see her comin. Tha always gets her attention. Even when ten other people are all shoutin at her at the same time.
‘Oh, yes! Would you ever go . . .’ an sometimes she might even hold me arm while she thinks! An I feel lovely an warm wit her hand on me while I wait te hear wha she wants me te do. ‘Would you ever like a good girl,’ she says, lookin inta me face, seein me, ‘go into the refectory and wash up those plates those bold girls left behind, and would you sweep the floor for me and tidy up? Will you do that for me like a good girl?’
‘Yes, Sister Eleanor!’ I smile happily. Then she lets go of me arm an flies off, talkin te herself an lookin worried again. I fly off, racin down te the refectory, washin an cleanin an thinkin how happy she’s goin te be wit me fer doin such a good job, leavin the place spotless so it will bring a smile te her face an she will look at me tellin me I am very good. Then I know she likes me. When she is happy wit me, then me whole world is lit up! Tha’s wha keeps me goin! Until I do somethin wrong, then I’m out in the cold.
I turned aroun feelin the emptiness of the place fer a minute, noticin the tears on me face an wipin them away; I didn’t know I w
as cryin.
Ah, stop! Ye were happy only a few minutes ago, sure wha have ye got te be belly-achin about? Life is great, an if ye want something, then ye know wha te do: go after it. Right! No more carryin-on, an Camille will be grand; sure, isn’t she goin te be goin her own way in a few months? She can make her own life. The important thing about life is tha as long as we have the breath in us, we always have a chance. When I’m gone, I’m gone! An I only have one chance at life, so no matter wha happens, I’m grateful te be alive. Wha more could I want?
Yeah! I felt the happiness risin in me again. Food! Now wha’s fer breakfast? I spotted the big metal pie dish wit the cornflakes sittin in it, an the big metal jug a milk. Lovely! An I have it all te meself; it’s nearly full.
I slurped me way through three bowls a cornflakes, enjoyin the cold creamy milk an the lovely smell a the cornflakes goin up me nostrils, when I spotted Loretta Winters makin her way past the glass windas headin in here.
‘Oh, I should have known you’d be here stuffing your face,’ she laughed, turnin her face te the wall te complain.
‘Ah, shrrup you! You’re just ragin I got here fer first pick.’
‘Hm! Yeah! What’s for breakfast?’ she asked, stickin her head in the cornflakes dish, askin fer the want te hear the sound of her own voice.
‘How many of us are left in the group, Loretta?’
‘What? Oh, Ellie is lookin for you!’
‘Me?’
‘Yeah. She’s giving out the new jobs, for the ones leaving school.’
‘Wha do ye mean?’
‘Well, there’s five of us being kept back to work aroun the house. An you’re one of them.’
I am? Me heart sank. I’m not goin back te school. So tha’s me lot! Sure, I barely got a foot in the bleedin school door. Now I’m out again.
They said I was thirteen when I got here, a year older than me ma said, the silly cow! Surely it’s not tha difficult te keep track a thirteen years. She doesn’t know her arse from her elbow tha one. I had te wait until I got here te have me fourteenth birthday, an I’ve just had tha. The first one in me whole life. I never knew when it came aroun. Ah, tha means I’ll never be able te get past fifth class.
