by Martha Long
Agnes just stared with a suspicious look on her face, still thinking she’d have te lose the coat if she let go of the two sides.
I picked her up, saying, ‘I’m very sorry, she just made strange. Say goodbye, Agnes, te the nice people.’
‘See ye,’ she squeaked.
‘Will we give them a kiss?’ I whispered. ‘They are going te miss ye!’
‘Naw!’
‘Why?’ I whispered.
‘Cos she might take me coat!’ she whispered, leaning her face inta me and locking her eyes on mine, raising her little eyebrows.
‘Ah, she won’t! Come on, let’s get ye down te bed. Say bye, bye!’
‘Wha abou me Winkey?’ she suddenly roared.
‘Oh, yes! We can’t forget him,’ the man laughed, picking up a white furry cat with a red ribbon tied around his neck and coalblack eyes that glittered.
She grabbed Winkey, holding him tight te her chest, and snuggled inta me arms, then lifted one hand, waving happily at them, feeling safe again as we went out the door heading down te the nursery.
‘Ye won’t leave me, Marta?’
‘No, darling. I’m staying right here with ye,’ I said, snuggling her closer te me.
She closed her eyes, and I felt me eyelids getting heavy. I flicked them open, feeling them a dead weight. I can’t stay awake!
I must have dozed again, because suddenly I opened me eyes feeling the cold stiffening me. I lifted me head, gently looking at Agnes. She’s out for the count. I slipped off the bed gently, making out the door and headed down the passage, and took off taking the stairs two at a time, me legs feeling a dead weight.
Christ! I’m freezing and bloody exhausted. I didn’t get te sit down once today; the time just flies. Oh, I’m dying te get te me own bed. Jaysus! I bet it’s nearly three o’clock in the morning. I have te be up at seven. These days I go te Mass in the mornings, mostly te impress the nuns. It’s better te keep in with them, seeing as the kids hate me guts. I can’t be getting meself slammed in the middle like I used te, with the nuns trying te get rid of me on one side, and the kids trying te kill me on the other. It’s working, because I’ve made meself useful te the nuns, and that gives me an advantage over the kids. Now at least I know where I stand, and I can keep outa trouble. Te hell with the kids; I know where me bread is buttered! Yeah, but I’m going te have me work cut out for me trying te get up in another few hours.
I slid inta the bed, going out like a light.
‘Go forth in peace, the Mass has ended.’
I watched the priest give his blessing then leave the altar, taking off for the sacristy. I waited, holding me breath, then looked around at the nuns leaving their prie-dieux. The ones in charge of the children anyway, while the Reverend Mother and the rest of the Community stayed on for a bit of contemplation.
I quietly made me way outa the bench and genuflected, then opened the side door, closing it quietly, and tore off like the hammers of hell making me way down te the nursery.
‘Buck off!’
Oops. That’s my Agnes, I thought, pushing in the door, laughing te meself.
‘Come on, Agnes! Don’t you want to use your potty? Do wee wee!’
‘Naw!’
Poor Vanessa was standing there with a potty in her hand, scratching her head, getting nowhere with her, trying te persuade her te go out with the other babies te the toilets and sit on the potty.
‘Who’s making all the noise?’ I laughed, creeping up te her and grabbing her inta the air.
‘Ye left me!’
‘Aaaahhhh!’ I nuzzled her neck, hearing her screaming laughing, me saying, ‘Ah, stop yer aul giving out. Thanks, Vanessa. I’ll look after her. Come on! Let’s go out te the toilets and see all the other babies.’
‘Naw! I don’t want te sit on tha!’ she screamed, waving at the pot.
‘Course ye don’t. Ye’re too big for tha. We’ll go and use the big toilets! Wouldn’t ye like that, Agnes?’
‘Yeah!’ she said happily as I scooped her up.
‘Marta! Harry, lookit! Marta’s here.’
‘Look at you two in yer lovely pyjamas!’ I said, rushing over, picking up Teddy and leaving Agnes sitting on the bed. ‘Give us a kiss, Harry!’
He giggled, his eyes lighting up and showing his lovely little white teeth.
‘Are ye OK?’ I said, sitting down on the bed with Agnes on me lap.
‘Yeah! But we don’t like it on our own, do we Harry?’
‘No! We don’t like it on our own,’ Harry agreed, listening te Teddy and smiling at me.
‘Listen! Get dressed, darlings, and ye’ll be getting yer lovely breakfast! Won’t that be nice? And I’ll see ye at lunchtime when I come back from work for me dinner. Is that OK with ye? Now! I want te sort out this little fairy here. Isn’t that right?’ I said, giving her a tickle.
‘Aaaahhh! More! More, Bar ta,’ she roared.
‘Tickle me!’ shouted Teddy.
‘And me!’ said, Harry, slapping his chest.
I looked around, seeing the nursery nun coming in. ‘Oooh! Too late, boys! All outa tickles until dinner time. Ye have te get dressed now. Go on, boys,’ I whispered, ‘put yer clothes on.’
‘OK, Marta! Do ye mean it tha ye’ll come back te see us at the dinner time, Marta?’
‘Of course I will. I would never let ye down,’ I said earnestly te them, bending down te look inta their eyes. ‘Now, hurry up and go and get yer breakfast. Come on, you! Me little fairy.’ I carried her out te the toilets. ‘Look at you lot!’ I laughed te the babies all lined up sitting on their potties.
‘Will yeh read me anodder story?’ Arthur shouted up te me from his potty.
‘Yeah! Course I will, Arthur darling! Oh, ye’re all such good babies! Aren’t they, Agnes?’
‘Naw!’ she moaned, looking at them, not too sure.
‘Aaahhh! They are! Don’t be mean,’ I laughed, grabbing her tight and sinking me mouth inta her neck, hearing her little tinkly laugh.
‘Now! Finished. Good girl! Ye used the toilet like a big girl!’ ‘Yeah!’ she laughed, delighted at being one up on the other babies after using the baby toilet.
‘Hurry! Quick!’ I whispered. ‘We have te get ye dressed then we can rush down and see Dinah and Sally before ye get yer breakfast.’
I hurried down the passage wanting te see the girls, anxious te make sure they were OK. ‘Naw!’ Agnes was screaming in me arms. ‘I wan me cooaat! An me haaat!’
‘Ye can’t wear that, ye silly! That’s te keep ye warm when ye go outside in the cold!’
‘Naw!’
I stopped dead with her in me arms, looking at her with me eyes wide. ‘Oh no! It’s terrible,’ I said, looking at her.
‘Wha?’ She suddenly stopped roaring, staring at me wondering what I was going te say.
‘If we run back for yer coat’ – sob! – ‘we won’t get te see the girls. What will we do? Will we not see them?’
‘Naw! Hurry, Bar ta. I want te see me sistas!’
‘Right! We better hurry!’ I said, faking me breath, puffing along like mad.
I flew outa the convent taking the stairs two at a time and charged inta Ma Pius, nearly knocking her sideways.
‘Where on earth are you running to? Where is the fire?’ she barked, fixing her veil and steadying herself.
‘Sorry, Ma . . . Mother Pius. I was rushing for me . . . my tea.’
‘Walk! Please walk, a lady always walks.’
‘Yes, Mother Pius,’ and fuck off outa me way! I’m thinking te meself as she stared at me, deliberately making me take me time. I stared at her, trying te take the sulky look off me face and smile. Only then she stepped outa me way, making me stand back and hold the door open for her. Then she sailed past, muttering, ‘Energy is wasted on the youth!’
I let the door go and tore up the passage, flying down te the nursery. Jaysus! I hope Agnes is all right. I didn’t get te see her at lunchtime. I had te go on a message down te the village for one of t
he nuns. I was bleeding raging. By the time I got back, it was too late te see them. I had te get back te work.
I puffed me way along the passage, seeing Sister Eleanor hounding a load of young ones in front of her. ‘Martha! Where are you going?’ she moaned, looking like she wanted te cry, run or kill someone.
‘I’m just going te see Agnes, Sister, before she goes down for the night, and read her a quick story,’ I gasped, slowing te a gentle run.
‘No! Wait!’
‘What?’
‘You can’t see her! She’s . . .’
‘Sister Eleanor! Will you be giving out sweets after the tea? When you come down from the convent?’ roared Lilian Wring, shaking the nun’s arm with one hand and scratching her arse with the other.
‘Will you leave me alone the lot of you for one minute.’
I flew off.
‘Wait! Martha!’
‘What?’ I stopped just inside the door.
‘Come back here when I am speaking to you!’ Sister Eleanor roared, losing her rag.
‘What, Sister? What are ye saying?’ I asked her, beginning te get worried. Me heart went inta me mouth. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘Nothing! There’s nothing wrong. I am sick of the lot of you! Nobody listens to me. You are all so selfish!’
‘Jaysus, Sister!’ I roared, losing me temper.
‘Don’t you dare take the name of the good Lord in vain!’ she screamed, running at me and waving her finger in me face.
‘I just want te go in and see me baby sister and Teddy and Harry! Have me tea, then see Dinah and Sally. What’s wrong with that?’ I stared with me mouth open, feeling me temper rise.
She dropped the pained look in her face suddenly and relaxed, trying te pacify me. ‘Listen, Martha, I was trying to tell you they have all gone home.’ She stared at me, and I stared back, trying te take it in.
‘Why? When? I thought they were going te be here until after the Christmas. Go out with families . . . and have a . . . lovely Christmas . . .’ I trailed off, staring at the floor, trying te take it in. I felt like bursting inta tears.
‘Why? Because we had to take little Agnes home; she wasn’t settling, you know that yourself!’ she said, softening her voice.
‘So why did the others go?’
‘Because their father insisted. “If one comes,” he said, “they all come.” So they all left this morning. So there you are, they’ve all gone home,’ she said, waving her hands.
‘OK, thanks, Sister.’
Then she went heading off te the refectory after the other lot and I headed out te the toilets in the playing fields, where no one would bother me.
The grounds are deserted; everyone’s in having their tea, I thought, looking around at the open fields and the bare trees all along the Cloistered Walk. It’s too cold te go down there and it’s too dark anyway, and this biting cold would cut through ye, but I don’t care. I just want te feel miles away from everyone.
I went inta the toilets and sat meself down on top of the toilet seat and listened te the quiet, the wind blowing through the bare trees and along the high stone walls the only sound te be heard, and the wind and the cold and the air blowing inta the open entrance te the toilets was lovely. Fresh and wild, giving me a sense of being free in the wide open spaces. The suffocating feeling I had when she said they were all gone. The people around me shouting, screaming, demanding, jeering, laughing, unfriendly, treacherous – all coming from the same scream, all wanting what I wanted. Someone for their very own. Te be special in someone’s heart. The constant beat of the tom-tom drums, the fight for territorial rights, te be heard, noticed, wanted, loved, with the only adult who cared: Sister Eleanor! She was the coveted prize. Nothing and nobody stood in the way of survival, nothing could be too vicious, everyone must look out for themselves, for when ye have a full belly, a roof over yer head and a warm bed, then comes the pain again, the gnawing need for the warmth of a pair of loving arms te take away the cold and emptiness that pains yer heart.
The noise made me feel trapped, afraid, lonely, alone, like I’ll never be wanted. I thought I was in hell for those few minutes. Jackser and the ma and the old ways were inside me and all around me. The children are gone! I’ve nothing, nobody, and I was drowning in Jackser and the ma, with the thought of the children not even having even one Christmas but having te go back now te that hell of the ma and him!
I took in a deep breath, standing up, and walked outside, looking up at the dark sky and feeling it is a big wide world beyond here. I can get lost out there, travel far and wide, and away from here, and everything that came before it, and live somewhere where I have peace and space and time te meself, and people around me who like me . . . and there’s no more violence.
I took in a deep lungful of air, letting out the hot breath te mist in the cold night frost, seeing it curl around me head, warming me face, and looking out as far as I could see inta the dark night sky with the stars twinkling in their heavens. They’re all the souls of people gone before me, I thought. Then me gaze lowered, resting on the trees throwing their shadows inta the light thrown down by the lamps at the top of the avenue, and slowly walked back towards the kitchen door, making me way in for a drop of tea, feeling more at peace, and a quiet feeling of stillness.
CHAPTER 14
Iflew along the convent passage, yanking open the heavy door with the stiff springs behind it, letting it shut by itself. Still running, I barrelled inta a gang of kids all milling around on the landing, shouting te each other. The noise of bags and suitcases getting clattered up the stairs, and more coming down from the top, and all the time screaming up te the ones on the landing, ‘Did you find my coat? Who took my bag?’ was overwhelming. The roars and banging coming from all directions, and others screaming out te each other from one end of the house te the other in the panic of leaving something behind, and the nervous excited laughter hit me as I slid inta a group of young ones sorting out their suitcases. Jaysus! It’s like O’Connell Street on a Sunday afternoon, when the culchies invade Dublin for a Gaelic football match.
‘Excuse me!’ I shouted. ‘Outa the way, please. Anyone see a nun around?’ I asked, talking te the walls, as no one was listening. ‘Sister Mary Ann Augusta! Mairead Causetello!’ I shouted up the stairs, me eyes flying around the faces, looking for someone from the middle group. ‘Sister Herod Mary? Poppy Ticks? Is anyone here from the Child of Prague group?’ I shouted, wanting te hurry back te the convent, knowing any minute now the people are going te start piling up te the door.
I looked around, searching the faces. ‘Me! I’m here!’ shouted a little one with short fair curly hair wearing a navy-blue wool coat, with a long red-and-white hand-knitted scarf wrapped around her neck, rushing over on brown laced-up leather boots and red tights. ‘That’s me! Wait for me!’ she panicked, dragging a little brown suitcase gripped in her two hands.
‘Hi, little Poppy!’ I said, bending down te her and looking inta her lovely sky-blue eyes. I could look at her for hours; she’s gorgeous, I thought te meself. ‘Where’s yer nun, Poppy?’
She looked around, saying, ‘Will I run down and find her, Martha?’ showing me the gap where her two front teeth were missing.
‘Ahh, no! I don’t want ye going missing.’ I lifted the silver gong, giving it one bang then four more, saying, ‘Let’s wait te see if she hears her gong. I bet I know what ye want from Santa Claus for Christmas!’
‘What?’ she giggled.
‘Yer two front teeth!’
‘No! I want a doll and pram!’ she roared.
‘Yeah! I’m only joking. Santa Claus has ye first on his list. Ye’re his favourite.’
The door whirled open behind me and a roar blasted inta me ear. ‘Is anyone minding the hall door? The convent is in uproar.’
I looked around at Sister Benedict standing in her black slippers, waving her arms through the crowd, trying te get over te me. ‘Martha Long! Stop this fustering at once and get up to the hall door this minut
e and sort out those unfortunate people you’ve left standing around in the freezing cold with the hall door wide open!’ she gasped out without stopping for a breath.
‘Right, Sister Benedict. I’m just looking for the nuns.’
‘What is it?’ Sister Eleanor moaned, hurrying up the stairs with a gang of young ones rushing up behind her and another lot pushing and shoving their way in front of her, desperate te get up the stairs and out the door. The noise suddenly increased te a deafening roar as a gang of young ones came down from Sister Mary Ann Augusta’s group, all excited, pushing their way onta the landing, and everyone was pressed up against the walls.
Sister Benedict screamed from the safety of the convent door, ‘The hall door is in uproar!’
‘What?’ shouted Sister Eleanor, trying te hear over the noise, creasing her face inta a crying look.
‘Uproar!’ shouted Sister Benedict, then disappeared, letting the door bang shut.
‘Are you there, Sister?’ shouted Sister Mary Ann Augusta herding down another lot from the middle group.
‘I’m here, Sister!’ shouted Sister Eleanor nervously up at Sister Mary Ann Augusta, who is in charge of all the groups and their nuns.
‘Sister Mary Ann Augusta!’ I shouted over the crowd. ‘The people are here for the children.’
‘Take them over! Jesus Christ Almighty!’ shouted Sister Herod Mary from the bottom of the stairs, looking up with her lot of little ones behind her.
‘Sister! My lady is here!’ shouted down Poppy te her nun.
‘Get over to the hall door,’ shouted Sister Mary Ann Augusta down te me, pushing her way down the stairs and flapping bodies outa the way with her arms out like she was swimming. ‘Who is here?’
‘People for Poppy, Sister, and one for you, Mairead Causetello!’
‘Fine! One of yours, Sister! For Poppy!’ she roared down.
Then Sister Herod Mary lowered her head and pulled up her habit and made a run inta the crowd of children stuck on the stairs in a bottleneck, screaming, ‘Get that bag out of the way! Get back down those stairs!’
