by Kylie Walker
“Should I stay home tonight?” No matter what his mother said about wanting life to go on as normal, it just didn’t seem right. He was not even eighteen years old yet. How was he supposed to process losing his mother in two years or less while acting like everything was okay?
Greg sat there silently for a long time and then in a voice that was barely above a whisper he said, “We can’t fix this.”
“I know but…” His voice trailed off. His father was shaking his head.
His father then put his hands to his head and said, “Just go Asher. I can’t talk about this anymore tonight.”
Asher was confused by the way his father was acting. His dad had always been the strongest man he had ever known. Maybe he just needed some time. “Okay, I’ll be home later after the game. If you need me or if mom does, I have my pager.” Greg didn’t even respond. He went back to sipping his drink and staring out the window. Asher left the house feeling like it was an entirely different place than the happy home he had walked out of this morning before school. He felt lost and for the first time in years, he felt afraid.
**
Asher made it through the football game, barely. His coach and his teammates, especially Travis asked him more than once if he was okay. He had hit a few guys on the field that he shouldn’t have and the coach had pulled him out and questioned him about it. He was a great football player, but it was unlike him to be aggressive for no reason. He told them all that he was fine. He said he was just having a bad night. He wasn’t ready to tell anyone what was bothering him. If he told people his mother was sick, that she had cancer, it would make it too real.
After the game while he showered in the locker room and his teammates talked and laughed and celebrated their win he stayed disconnected from it all. It was so surreal. How could his life just be going on as his mother’s was ending? Travis found him in front of his locker buttoning up his shirt. His hands were shaking and his friend knew something was wrong.
“Ash, what’s going on? Is this about what you had to go home for earlier?”
Asher slammed his locker and then he hit it with his fist. Travis didn’t flinch. He just sat and waited until Asher was ready. He finally said, “I just can’t talk about it right now. Mia’s waiting for me. We’ll talk later, okay?”
“Okay, just know I’m here for you, man.”
“I know. Thanks.”
On his way out of the gym to go and find Mia he ran into Dean. Asher had forgotten he was coming this weekend.
“Hey man! Great game. I couldn’t believe you out there barrelling through that defensive line like that.” Asher’s face must have given him away because Dean suddenly stopped talking and asked, “What’s going on?”
“Nothing. Nothing’s going on. Sorry man. I just forgot you were coming to town. I sort of made other plans.”
Travis came around the corner just then. Asher could tell by the look on Dean’s face that he knew something was wrong and it wasn’t about making other plans. Travis stepped in and saved him.
“Hey Dean, you lucky son of a bitch! You get to hang out with me tonight.”
Dean looked from Asher to Travis and then said, “Yeah, that’s cool. Ash, call me tomorrow, alright? I’ll be in town until Sunday.”
“Okay, sure.” He walked away then, feeling like a zombie. It was like things were happening around him and he wasn’t an active participant in any of it. Before he was out of earshot he heard Dean ask, “What the hell is wrong with him?” He didn’t hear Travis’s response. He would call Dean and fill him in tomorrow. Right now there was only one person he wanted to see. He went to find Mia. He was hoping the sight of her beautiful face would make him feel better.
**
Mia had been a cheerleader for three years. She had also been watching her brother and Asher play football together since middle school. She knew a lot about the game for a girl and she knew that Asher had not had a good one tonight. The coach had pulled him out twice to ask him what he thought he was doing. His hits were direct and aggressive and in most cases tonight, unnecessary. She couldn’t help but wonder what was going on and worry about him. She waited by his car like they had planned earlier and when she saw his gorgeous face she knew that whatever had been bothering him during the game was still weighing heavily on his shoulders. She smiled when he got close and he offered her one back, but it was weak.
“Hey, good game.” she lied.
“Yeah, thanks. Where do you want to go?”
“I don’t care. What are you hungry for?”
He unlocked the passenger door and held it open for her. As she slid in he replied, “It doesn’t matter.” He closed her door and went around to his side. He climbed in behind the wheel of the mustang and for a few seconds he just sat there with his hands on the wheel, staring through the windshield.
“Asher, is everything okay?”
He looked at her with intense green eyes and for a second he looked like he was going to say something important. Instead he asked, “Is Little Romeo’s okay?”
Little Romeo’s was a pizza place at the edge of town. She hadn’t missed that he didn’t answer her question, but she let it go for now and said, “Little Romeo’s is great.” He nodded slowly then started the car. They drove in silence to the pizza parlour. The parking lot was packed and it took a few minutes for him to find a spot. There were less than seven thousand people in their town and at least half of them had turned out for the game tonight. Now they were all eating out before they went home.
“It might take a while, it looks crowded. Is that okay?” Mia couldn’t stand how sad he looked. Pizza didn’t interest her as much as why he looked so upset. Cautiously she reached over and placed her hand on his arm. He jumped like she had burned him.
“Asher, what’s wrong?” She started to move her hand and he covered it with his own.
“I’m sorry, Mia. Jesus. This is our first date and I’m screwing it all to hell.”
“No you’re not. I can tell something is wrong. If it’s too personal you don’t have to tell me. I want you to know. I’m willing to listen if you need to talk.”
She watched as he took a long, slow deep breath. “My mom is sick,” he said barely above a whisper.
“She’s sick? Is it something bad?” Of course it was something bad. He wouldn’t be this upset and distracted over the flu.
He nodded and stared out the windshield. She thought he was going to leave it at that at first. It took him several minutes to answer and when he finally did, she felt awful for him. “She has cancer. A brain tumor that I can’t even fucking pronounce.”
“Oh Asher! I’m so sorry.” He nodded again. He wasn’t looking. She slid her hand under his chin and turned his face towards hers. “I’m really sorry. If you need to go home.”
“No, she doesn’t want me to do that. She made me promise to go about my life like things were normal. I’m just not sure how to do that.”
“Of course you’re not. You’re probably still in shock. It’s okay to let your feelings out.”
He smiled then. It was a sad smile. “Thanks. I’ve really screwed this date up.”
“No you haven’t. We’re friends, right? You can talk to me any time that you need to. We can go out on a date anytime. Why don’t we go somewhere and talk tonight?”
“I don’t want to do that to you. Maybe I should just take you home.”
“Do you need to get home?”
“No but…” His voice trailed off. He didn’t want to be a downer on their first date but he really didn’t want to be alone. He hoped she didn’t want to end the date.
“Do you have somewhere else you need to be?”
“No.”
“Someone you would rather talk to?”
He looked at her then with a look in his eyes that she hoped he would never lose. It was almost reverent. “There is no one I would rather talk to.”
“Good.” she smiled. “Tell you what. Take
me by the Outpost and I’ll run in and grab us some sandwiches and we’ll go eat them at the park and talk.”
“Are you sure?”
She smiled and said, “There is no one that I would rather be with tonight Asher. I’d like to be here for you, if you’ll let me.”
“I’d like that too,” he said.
They went to the sandwich shop and they each ordered a sub sandwich and chips. They took them and a couple of sodas and headed to the park. The evening was warm, but as they walked inside the gates of the park, a slight breeze rustled and scattered the leaves around them. The breeze carried the scent of the flowers that all seemed to be in bloom and the freshly cut grass competed with the smell of them. The beams of moonlight and the lamps that lit the walkway shone down on them as they walked across the playground and found a bench to sit on. Asher was staring at his sandwich like he didn’t know what to do with it. Mia’s heart was breaking for him. She finally reached over and took it from his hands. He looked at her and she offered him a smile and replaced the sandwich with her hand. He squeezed it and said, “I think I’m just in shock, you know?”
She nodded. Mia knew that she couldn’t begin to imagine what he was feeling, but she also knew that if it were her, she would be in shock too. Cancer was something that happened to other people’s families. “How is she doing with it?” Mia asked him.
He smiled then. “She’s such a mom. She’s worried about me and worried about my dad. She always comes last. She says she wants everything to go on normally as long as it can. She’ll do the treatments but if the cancer keeps progressing she doesn’t want to go to the hospital. She wants to…” His voice trailed off. He swallowed hard and acted like it took all his strength to say it. “She wants to die at home.”
Mia hated seeing him so torn up. The fact that he was so strong made it even worse she thought. He should be crying but she had a feeling that would never happen when anyone else was around. She was bright enough to know that nothing she said was going to take away his pain and anger and frustration. So she didn’t say anything. Instead she opened her arms and he moved into them and she wrapped him up in an embrace. She laid her head against his chest and squeezed her arms around his warm, hard body. His arms were large and strong and he was warm and for a second the way he held her made her feel like he was the one protecting and comforting her. The world around them seemed to fade as they held onto each other. Neither of them wanted the moment to end.
Chatper 4
“Where’s Dad?” It was Sunday afternoon, almost two weeks after Asher’s mother had announced her diagnosis. He had gone out for a run in the morning and when he got back, his mother was making breakfast and simultaneously cleaning the kitchen.
“He went out. Do you want waffles?”
Asher walked into the kitchen and took the orange juice out of the fridge. He thought about drinking it from the carton but one look from his mother and he walked over and took a glass from the cabinet.
“Mom, you don’t have to make me breakfast.”
“I always make you breakfast on Sunday mornings.”
He poured the O.J. and leaned against the counter as he drank it. “I know, but.” His voice trailed off. He didn’t want to say it out loud.
She put down her spatula and wiped her hands on her apron. Turning towards her son she said, “We weren’t going to change the way we do things around here, remember?”
“I’m just worried about you wearing yourself out. Don’t you need rest or something?”
She smiled. “We have a full staff if I do. I’m only making breakfast sweetheart, not running a marathon. I love making breakfast for my boys on Sunday morning.”
He raised an eyebrow. “One of your ‘boys’ seems to be MIA a lot lately. What’s going on with Dad?”
She sighed. “He’s having a hard time with this, Asher. We just have to be patient and supportive.”
Asher had noticed his father drinking a lot more over the past week. He also noticed that he was barely around. It was really pissing him off. His mother was going to work every day and if Asher was at football practice or a game or with Mia, she was left alone until all hours of the night. He would hear his father come in late at night and stagger up the stairs. She didn’t need to be alone all the time and she sure as hell didn’t need to have to sleep with a drunk every night. “You’re the one we need to be supporting, Mom. He should be here for you.”
She put her hand on the side of his face. “He’s here as much as he can be,” she said.
“What do you mean? He has barely been here all week.”
She smiled. “I mean emotionally, Asher. He just needs some time to adjust. Now, do you want one waffle or two?” He didn’t want to argue with her. He resolved to talk to his father when he caught up with him instead.
“One,” he said. He wasn’t hungry, but she wasn’t going to be happy unless he let her do something for him. He sat down at the table and as she made the waffle she asked him, “So how is Mia?”
He looked up at her, shocked. He hadn’t told her that he and Mia had been spending time together. Since that Friday night ‘date’ at the park in the week since they had spent as much time together as they could manage. They had been discreet about it at first, having lunch together at school and picnics in the park. He had taken her to the county fair one town over on Saturday night and they had a great time riding the rides and playing games. She had taken home a small menagerie of stuffed animals. But as far as he knew Travis was the only one in either family who knew about it. His mother was smiling at him. “She’s good,” he finally said. “Um. How did you know?”
She laughed. “I’m a Mom. I know everything.”
“Oh.”
She brought his waffle over and slipped it onto his plate. She handed him the butter and syrup and sat down next to him. “She’s a very pretty girl.” Asher was spreading butter on his waffle. He felt his face go flush. “How does Travis feel about you two dating?”
“He’s coming around,” Asher said. Travis had been supportive but at the same time Asher could tell he was still working on adjusting to the changes in their relationship.
“How do you feel about it?” He asked.
“Does she make you happy?” His mother asked him.
“Yeah. I mean it’s only been two weeks, but yeah. She makes me want to smile all the damn time.”
Lily smiled broader and said, “Don’t cuss. But as far as being happy, keep doing that. From the first moment I held you in my arms; it’s all I ever wanted for you.”
He swallowed a huge lump in his throat and said, “The way that you and Dad feel about the Halloways. I wasn’t sure.”
“You know after all of these years I have never really figured out what it is any of us have against each other. Some people just rub you the wrong way, for no particular reason and I guess that’s what it is with us and them. But I have always liked Travis and he has always been welcome here. I see Mia at church every week and she is always sweet and polite. And now I hear she makes my son happy. What more could I ask for?”
“Thanks, Mom.”
She laughed and stood up. “Thank you.” she said. “Thank you for being so strong and going on with your life the way I asked you to. It makes me happy. Finish your breakfast now and get ready for church.”
“Is Dad going to church with us?”
“I don’t think he’ll make it today. But maybe you and I can have lunch at the Outpost afterwards. Why don’t you ask Mia to join us?”
“Yeah, that sounds good.” Asher forced himself to take a bite of the waffle. Once he swallowed it he said, “Mom. Can I ask you a question?” She must have sensed the serious tone. She put down the dishtowel and gave him her full attention.
“Anything,” she said.
“I know you like to go to church and you believe in God, but I was just wondering. Aren’t you angry with him?”
She walked back over to the table and sat
down again. Laying her hand on top of his she said softly, “For centuries people have questioned if he’s so great and benevolent why there is death and disease. The truth is until we get a chance to meet Him and ask him those questions, we’ll never know. My theory however, based on everything I have been taught and everything I have seen in my forty-four years of life is that He is doing his best. He has billions of people to look after. It can’t be easy. But I believe with all my heart that He loves us and that He will do whatever he can to guide us through this. His role is pretty close to what yours is. He is there to listen to me when I need to talk and He is there to lend a hand when I need it…but most of all He is there to love me and between His love and the love I feel in this home from you and your Dad. I feel like I can do anything.”
“Then beat this.” Asher hadn’t meant to say that, it just slipped out. He couldn’t help but be bothered by the fact that she had just accepted the doctor’s prognosis and she didn’t talk about beating it. Asher was born with a competitive spirit. He had been a fighter from the day he had out of the womb. He wanted her to fight.
“Some things my competitive son, you can’t beat. You have to make adjustments and changes and keep moving forward the best you can, but you also have to accept that some things are stronger than us. Please don’t take that as me giving up. I’m not doing that. I’ll do everything the doctor asks me to do and I’ll keep my hope that those things will extend my life. But in the meantime, I have to make sure that my family is going to be okay when or if the worst happens. I want you and your father to have time to prepare for this so the shock of it doesn’t stop you in your tracks. Me accepting this doesn’t mean I’m giving up honey, okay?”
Asher nodded. He had always adored his mother. But he had never really thought of her as strong. As a young boy he had assumed the strength was his father’s role. He was realizing now just how wrong he had been. His mother was stronger than all of them put together, and he feared the glue that was holding everything together was slowly unravelling. What if it all fell apart when she was gone? What would they do then?
