by Chloe Butler
“That must have been...god, Zach, I don’t even know what to say.”
“It’s my fault.”
“Of course it’s not. Believe me, I’ve blamed myself for every single one of my parents’ problems, and it took years of therapy to untangle that shit.”
I felt him pull away from me, just an inch. “Yeah, well, if I wasn’t here, I’d be able to take care of him.”
“You’re saying you don’t want to be here?”
“No, I didn’t mean here with you, just…here at Cascade.” He sat up and rubbed both hands across his face. “Brooke, I’ve made some big mistakes in my life. Like, if I told you, you’d never want to spend another minute with me.” He cleared his throat. “Which means I got you into bed under false pretenses. Which means I’m no better than my brother.”
I reshuffled my body until I was sitting up behind him and put my arms around his chest. I kissed the back of his neck. “What, you killed a man?”
He pulled my arms against him, hard. “Worse.”
Luckily, I stifled my laugh before I realized he wasn’t joking.
“Tell me,” I said.
He shook his head. “You’re smart, beautiful, and a thousand times better than I deserve. I’d rather just get the hell out of here on my own than have you kick me out.”
“Zach, that’s bullshit.” I got out of bed and turned on the light. He squinted at the sudden brightness. “I’ll be right back.” I put on some panties and took my hot water pot across the hall to the bathroom. When I got back, Zach had put his briefs and t-shirt on and was sitting on the edge of the bed. “Coffee or tea?” I asked. “You’d probably like the coffee. It’s Folger’s.”
He laughed. “Tea, please.”
I made two cups of English breakfast, and we sat across from each other on the bed. “People confess stuff to me at the Shark all the time. I’m cheating on my boyfriend, I think I’m gay, I’m a virgin and I’m afraid to tell him. The other day a woman asked me if it was a sin to masturbate. I told her I didn’t know much about religion, but I recommended a vibrator.”
Zach sipped his tea. “This is different.”
“Try me.”
“My mom’s death...” He sucked in his breath. “It was my fault.”
I felt a knot in my stomach, but I told him to go on.
“Like I told you, my parents ran a feed store. They were good at working with customers, but didn’t really know much about the business side. Keeping the books, taxes, saving for retirement, that sort of thing.” I nodded. “They asked me if I could recommend someone to help. Well, this old friend of mine, Ed, had started up a financial advising business, and so I talked to him, and he said, sure, he could help.”
I put my arm around his shoulders and he went on. “He was really nice, friendly, called them Mr. and Mrs. Hutchison, said they reminded him of his parents. I’d never seen Mom and Dad so relaxed.” I saw where this was going, but I just stayed close to him. “It turns out you don’t even need a license to call yourself a financial advisor, and Ed sold them bad investments, and gave them terrible tax advice, and they got audited, and then couldn’t even pay the fine to the IRS because they’d lost most of their savings and the rest was tied up in some kind of insurance scam. They had to declare bankruptcy. Meanwhile, Ed just moved to Ohio and is probably doing the same thing there.”
“God, that sucks. Couldn’t they sue him?”
“They talked to a lawyer who said it was unlikely they’d get back enough to make it worth it, and they’d been through enough. But things really never got back to normal after the bankruptcy, and one day my mom took all these pills.” A tear rolled down his cheek. “She didn’t leave a note, so we don’t even know if she meant to hurt herself. My dad found her too late. And I was here, where I couldn’t help at all.”
I kissed his shoulder. “That’s not your fault.”
“Brooke, come on, you’re saying that like you’re the first person to tell me. ‘Zach, don’t blame yourself, you couldn’t have known, blah blah blah.’ Thanks, I’ve heard it. My parents came to me because they were worried about their account balance, and I told them it was fine, I trusted Ed, and...” He grabbed a tissue and wiped his face. “That was two years ago. Dad’s gone downhill quickly, and I’ve been helping him out, but he wants me to finish school.”
“He’s right.”
“I know that. I know that.” His stubbly cheek grew hot against my neck. “But the fact is, my bad judgment killed my mother. Nothing anyone can say changes that.” Zach blew his nose, and then just pressed his face against me and breathed for a few minutes. Finally, I felt him smile. “Okay, I’ve brought things down around here enough. Tell me something about Brooke.”
I didn’t say anything. I finished the last sip of tea and set the mug aside. “Zach, you deserve to hear my story, too. All the details. Even the gross ones.”
“Okay.”
“When I walked in on Evan and Ashley...oh, fuck, you don’t want to hear this.” Even now, the scene was playing out in my head, like it had a million times since my last birthday.
“Now I think you have to tell me,” said Zach, perking up a little.
“Fine. When I walked into my room, they were almost...Evan was almost...finished. Almost. I went in and asked them what the fuck they were doing, which was the stupidest thing I could have said, of course, since it was obvious what they fuck they were doing. And Evan turned to look at me, and he said, ‘Brooke? Oh, no!’ And he had an orgasm. Right in front of me. Right into her. Like, it was unmistakable.”
Zach started shaking a little, and finally burst out laughing.
“What!” I said. “It was horrible.”
“You have to admit, that’s pretty funny.”
I’d never told anyone the full story before, not even Sierra, and Zach’s response shocked me. But when I thought about, well, it was kind of funny, and I admitted it. “The unfunny part is that then I found out he’d given me chlamydia, although whether he got it from her, who knows? He was probably fucking around with other women, too. That’s when I started volunteering at the Shark, when I went in to get tested and saw how awesome everyone there was.”
I hopped off the bed and opened my desk drawer. “Speaking of which.” I withdrew the test results sheet and handed it to him. “All clear.”
Zach handed it back to me. “I never thought—”
“I know. But it’s good to be sure.”
“Of course. I got tested too.”
“Really?”
“Should get it back in a couple of days.”
My heart was pounding. “You may regret telling me that.”
“Why? I’m not worried about the results.”
I ran my hand down his muscular abs and over the bulge in his briefs. “Because I was about to suggest that we put a condom on this thing and make it happen. But now I think maybe we should wait a couple more days.”
17
Spring comes late to the Cascade foothills, but when it does, it hits hard. Wildflowers push up through lawns all over campus. Snow gives way to rainy mornings and sunny afternoons. The cherry trees in the quad explode into pink and then drop their petals all over. The petals stick to the soles of shoes and end up as a trail of pink dots tracked into the lobby of every building.
Monday morning, I woke up with Zach’s hand on my breast. “Are you awake?” I whispered.
“Yeah, for a while now.”
“So you’re squeezing my boob on purpose?”
“Is that a problem?”
I laughed and kissed him. His tongue flicked against my lip, and I felt weak. “We need to get to class,” I moaned.
“I know.” He stood, and I took a moment to admire his striking form. “I feel objectified,” he said, then put his hands on his hips and struck a model pose.
“That’s not funny.” But I laughed while I said it. God, I wanted to just skip class, skip the rest of the day, skip the rest of the semester, and just kneel in front of Zach ri
ght now, pull his underwear down to his ankles, and wrap my lips around his...
Earth to Brooke! Pass geology. Harvard. Don’t be stupid.
Thank you, brain. I gave Zach a playful slap on the ass, instead, and told him to get dressed.
He took my hand as we walked to the science building together. The cherry trees rustled in a gentle breeze, and just a few drops of rain sprinkled the hood of my jacket. God, this place was beautiful.
I waved at Jillian on my way into class and sat next to Zach. We’d made it to the saggy middle part of the semester, when beds were full of oversleeping students and lecture halls were full of empty chairs. But the three members of Professor Radford’s front row fan club who’d made it to class weren’t disappointed, because she was wearing a scoop-neck sweater revealing an amount of cleavage that probably violated the university code of conduct. Not that any of her drooling fans were likely to complain.
It was my first time sitting next to Zach in class. He’d showered across the hall in my bathroom before we headed out (believe me, I thought hard about jumping in with him), and underneath the cloak of shampoo and Old Spice, his natural scent came through. The combination made it almost impossible to concentrate on Professor Radford’s lecture. My head was filled with Zach and all the things we’d done, and the things we were going to do after he got his report card from the Shark.
I couldn’t help myself. I tore a sheet of paper out of my notebook and cupped my hand over it while writing I’M PLANNING TO BE NAKED AFTER CLASS. WANNA JOIN ME? I folded the note and passed it to Zach, who made an inscrutable face while reading it. Not quite the reaction I was looking for. Honestly, the reaction I was looking for was for his erection to thump up against the underside of the table, but I would have taken a smile. He wrote something on the paper and passed it back to me. I unfolded it and read UM, YES? GIVE ME FIVE MINUTES TO ASK PROF SOMETHING.
Even five minutes felt like too long to wait in the hall with my whole body simmering, but a little anticipation couldn’t hurt, right? We filed out of class, and Zach smiled at me and said, “Give me just a second.” I nodded. As I stepped into the hall, I heard him say, “Hey, Tara.” He was standing close to her. Too close. Not like student-teacher close. I twisted my hair.
I sat on a chair in the hall to wait for him. I pulled out my copy of Jane Eyre, for English lit, and tried to read ahead. But I just kept checking the time on my phone. Five minutes. Ten minutes. “Hanging out by the vending machine again, Brooke?” said a voice. “If you need money for candy, I can help you out.”
I looked up. “Shut up, Ashley.”
“Great comeback. You’re so...articulate.”
I stood up, hoping I’d come up with a snappy line by the time I’d raised myself to my full height, but Ashley was wearing heels, which gave her a couple inches on me, and also, my brain wasn’t offering up anything in the clever comeback department. “Do you want something?”
She glanced toward the classroom door. “Waiting for someone?”
“None of your fucking business.” I picked up my backpack, dropped my book into it, and zipped it hard.
At that moment Zach and Professor Radford walked out of the room together, engaged in an animated conversation. I turned to him, and he smiled at me again and said, “Hey, Brooke, I’m really sorry, but can I catch up with you later?”
“Wow,” said Ashley. “Those two sure look good together.”
“They’re not—”
“Oh, I’m sorry. Did you have your eye on that one? Looks like a cougar got her claws into him already.”
I raised my arms involuntarily and was just about to shove Ashley with all my might, but I managed to take a deep breath, count to three, and pull myself together. Almost. I looked her in the eye. “Listen to me. I get that you feel all guilty about what you and Evan did to me, but maybe if you acted a little more like a human being, you could make some real friends. Maybe even meet a nice guy who isn’t someone else’s boyfriend.”
Ashley looked like she was about to cry. Shit, I’d gone too far. She sniffled. Then broke out laughing. “God, you are so dumb. ‘Darth Vader, I know there’s still some good in you.’ Evan was in love with me. He was about to break up with you. And let’s make something clear. If I wanted that slab of man you’re crushing on, I could have him, easy.” She put her arm around my shoulders. “Hi, Zach,” she said in a sexy voice. “What’s that you’re working on? Ooh, that’s interesting. Could you tell me more about it back at my place?”
I pushed her hand away. “He’s not stupid.”
“Of course not. But he’s a guy. Anyway, it’s not you I need to pry him away from, it’s Professor Tits.”
I put my backpack on. “Are you done?” She nodded. “Then explain one thing. Why do you hate me, exactly?”
Ashley put her hands on her hips. “Because I loved Evan, and you fucked it up between us.” She spun around on her high heels and walked away.
18
Ashley was full of shit. I mean, she didn’t know what she was talking about, right? There was a perfectly good explanation for why Zach needed to go off with Tara instead of coming back to my room and ripping my clothes off.
Other than the obvious explanation, that is.
I wasn’t going to screw around. I texted Zach. Real casual. Hey, what’s up?
He didn’t write back for a few minutes. In class. Catch you tonight?
Okay, good. I’d see him tonight. He could explain that he just had to ask Professor Radford a few questions about seafloor spreading that the study group couldn’t answer. “So there wasn’t any other kind of spreading?” I’d ask, and we’d both laugh.
After my afternoon swim, I headed back toward the dorm to round up Sierra for dinner. On the way, though, I stopped when I saw a familiar figure with a briefcase across the quad. Zach. I ducked behind a tree.
I don’t know why I did it. Maybe too many episodes of Law & Order had convinced me that I was a hard-boiled detective. Zach was alone, thank god. I knew I should just walk over to him and give him a hug and ask him if he wanted to head to dinner together. Something about the way he was walking made me pause, though. He was looking straight ahead and stepping quickly, like he was late for an appointment, and he wasn’t heading toward the dining hall. I put my hood over my head and pulled the drawstring tight. I don’t know, at the time it felt like a reasonable disguise.
When Zach turned the corner just past the administration building, I took off across the quad, pressed myself against the side of the building, and peered around the corner. He stepped into the parking lot, and looked around, his gaze finally alighting on a brown Toyota with its dome light on. There was a blonde woman in the driver’s seat, and when she stepped out of the car, I saw that my hunch was right. Tara Radford. She hugged Zach, and I heard her say, “You ready?” Zach nodded and got into the car, and they drove off into the night.
I grabbed the strap of my swim bag and slammed it against the ground. The grass was soggy, and mud splashed onto my ankles. Good. I’d let myself get involved with another asshole, and now I looked as shitty as I felt.
“Okay, I’m here,” said Sierra, out of breath. “What’s the emergency?”
I was lying flat on my back on the floor of my room, staring up at the cracks on the ceiling. “It’s Zach, he went off with the professor and Ashley said he got clawed by a cougar and...” My nose was dripping. “They’re probably doing it right now. It’s my fault. I told him I wouldn’t fuck him yet, and he couldn’t wait, and she was right there, and—”
“Whoa, slow down.” Sierra grabbed a handful of tissues and held them out to me. I grabbed them and wiped my face. She lay down next to me on the floor. “This is not comfortable. Now, what happened? The way you sounded on the phone, I thought someone died. Possibly you.”
“Someone did die,” I said. “My heart.”
“Oh my fucking god.” Sierra held a tissue to my nose. “Blow.”
I blew. “I think I snotted on your hand.
”
“Gross. Now we’re even for that time I threw up on you sophomore year.”
“Not even close,” I said. After the night she puked on me, Sierra bought me a new dress and swore off drinking for a whole week.
“Now, do you have any actual evidence that he’s cheating on you?” I told her what I saw, then started to cry again, but Sierra cut me off. “Speaking as someone who’s watched even more Law & Order than you, your case would be laughed out of court.”
I sat up. “Yeah, but then they’d dig up more evidence and prove they were right all along. He’s obviously sleeping with her. I guess it’s good I found out now, before things got more serious with him.” I opened my mini-fridge. “I was going to offer you a beer, but apparently all I have is Diet Coke.”
“Hit me,” said Sierra. She popped open the can. “You need to talk to him. Give him a chance to explain.”
“What if he just lies?”
“Then you can dump his ass.” She looked at her watch. “Hey, come on, we’re missing dinner.”
“I’m not hungry.”
“An empty stomach and a broken heart are a shitty combination.” Sierra took a big swig of Coke. “Fuck the dining hall, let’s go get McDonald’s.”
Sierra was right. After eating Quarter Pounders in her Chevy, I felt a little better. “We should head back,” I said, wiping my mouth. “I have study group.”
“With Zach?”
“Maybe.”
I was ten minutes late to the library, but when I got there, only Brian was in the study room. “Where’s everybody?” I asked.
“No idea.” He put his textbook on the table but didn’t open it. “Hey, can I ask your advice on something? And you won’t tell Jillian?”
“That sounds interesting. Sure.”
“I think I need to break up with her, but I don’t know how to tell her. I’m afraid it’ll really hurt her, and I do like her, it’s just—I don’t think we have anything in common.” He rolled up the sleeves of his denim shirt, then let them slide back down. “Do you think I should wait until the end of the semester?”
