Troublemaker: Surviving Hollywood and Scientology

by Leah Remini

  My therapist has opened my eyes to so much information and knowledge that has helped me understand myself and other people. We also worked on trying to alleviate the massive guilt I felt not only for abandoning a church that I was part of for my whole life but also for leading my whole family out of it as well. I was responsible for the fact that my mother, stepfather, sister, and brother-in-law lost their entire social network. My brother-in-law also lost his dad, his sisters, and his nephew. The damaging domino effect started with me. It has occurred to me more than I like to admit that maybe I was a Suppressive Person, who did the wrong thing.

  “Did you ever think that maybe you’ve saved their lives?” my therapist once asked. “You all learned what you learned from Scientology. Now you’re out, and your new job could be something else because you went through it.”

  Instead of bashing Scientology, she asked me what worked about it. Her point was that in life there are “knowledges.” You can take a little bit from this and a little bit from that. Use what works for you and leave the rest.

  “Leah, it doesn’t need to be all right or all wrong. Take what worked. Don’t try to throw away everything from Scientology.”

  But that was the policy of the church. You were either all in or all out. It is an extremist religion. There is no middle ground. And there within its structure lies the danger.

  It was as if she were giving me permission to find resolution in my past. With that I felt such relief. Once I started to encounter testimonies of abuse at the hands of the church, I also started to doubt all of the technology and practices that I had learned and applied over the decades as well. Today, I’m able to ascertain which concepts and precepts were helpful to me and am able to still apply them. And I am now comfortable with the idea that even if I could find things the church offered me that feel “right,” that didn’t mean my leaving it was wrong. And although I thought the problem with the church was David Miscavige and Tom Cruise, now I realize that if both of them left the church tomorrow I wouldn’t necessarily feel differently about Scientology. To me, it’s a structural flaw of the faith that its adherents are forbidden from challenging the leader (and its policies) at all costs. And right behind the current leader is another of the same kind.

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  PEOPLE ARE SURPRISED WHEN THEY hear that I don’t feel any anger toward my mother for getting us into Scientology in the first place. She stood by me when it mattered the most, after I left the church, and I know she always had my best interests at heart. She didn’t want her daughters growing up in a bad environment; she wanted more for us, and yet she didn’t have any other options for getting us out of Brooklyn. My mom—aspiring, hardworking, but without resources or a safety net—was the perfect candidate for Scientology. So she took us to Florida on a leap of faith, believing in what she was doing, just as I believe in what I’m doing now.

  And just as my mother fought for Nicole and me to have a better life, now I am looking out for my own daughter, and I’m very grateful that I never indoctrinated her in any way before I left the church. As long as I was a Scientologist, the church told me what to do and what not to do in almost every aspect of my life. If I had any doubts about leaving my faith, they vanished when I thought of Sofia growing up with that same kind of dependency. I didn’t want her to grow up thinking her connection to the church was the measure of her success in life. I wanted her to be an individual. Belief and faith are great, but very few people have been led astray by thinking for themselves.

  In the end, change is never easy. Living with a core set of beliefs that completely unravel is unsettling, to say the least. We all have to decide, do we want to live in regret, suffer pain, and demonize ourselves for believing in and carrying out the tenets of the church, or do we want to look at what we gained? The “bad” had to happen. If it didn’t, we would still be walking around with blinders on, not seeing the world at large. We wouldn’t have been given the gift to explore new ideas, new ways of being, thinking, open to the possibilities that there are other beliefs, different paths that can bring us closer to others. We would not be able to be more solid than ever in our belief that “what is true for you is true because you yourself have observed it to be true.”

  We all have a newfound strength, in that we will never again “believe” just because.

  For most of my childhood and adult life, I thought I had the answers and most of the world was just lost. As I’ve grown, I’ve learned that I know almost nothing. And so, in that I feel reborn in a sense. I am reading, I go to therapy, I do things that bring me joy, learning to love the one person I didn’t like very much—myself.

  I am a combative, inquisitive, argumentative person, and I will never allow anyone to change that. I still have anger, but I’m okay with that because it fuels me to continue to right any wrongs I may see. And it’s because of that and the support of my true friends and family that I was able to fight my way out of Scientology and see the world for the first time. Without judgment or pressure not to think the way I do or to have a different faith. Our lives have begun. Lessons are being learned, and we are healing. It’s never too late to begin again. Better, stronger, more evolved.

  And to all my fellow troublemakers, I say, “Carry on.”

  Photo Insert

  My mother’s first words to my dad were “George, I love her, but wow, is she ugly.” Really can’t argue.

  Clearly things were not getting any better a few months later, so the photographer placed this doll next to my head as a distraction.

  Please note that my head is almost as big as my sister’s whole body. I was less than a year old.

  Okay, luckily we’re starting to see a little hope for me here, alongside my sister Nicole.

  I have no idea why we are dressed like this, although my sister could have doubled for Little Orphan Annie or Donnie Osmond, featured in the posters on the wall behind us.

  Me in the arms of my mother, alongside her pimp (aka my father). It was the seventies, after all.

  These photos were taken by my stepfather Dennis. Though he was not a professional photographer, I loved them and thought I looked amazing. Clearly I could play anything from innocent to complex. I was a thinker even back then. I put on a sun visor to show my range. Then I pulled out all the stops and put on my Little House on the Prairie shirt.

  In Brooklyn’s Cropsey Park. I thought the coat showed character. But what it really showed was a bad fashion choice.

  Nicole, Dennis, and me at Christmas in Brooklyn. I don’t know what’s on my feet, but I love them and want a pair of them in my size right now.

  Hanging out on Eighty-sixth Street in Bensonhurst with my posse.

  Nicole and me in our Sea Org uniforms at Flag in Clearwater, Florida, holding baby Shannon.

  Me in matching acid-washed jeans and jacket taking Shannon for a stroll on Fountain Avenue in L.A., where much of our lives took place.

  The theme in these early headshots was Big Hair: The first one with hair off to the side. The second, with a pirate earring. The third, showing a little shoulder.

  Alain St. Clair

  I thought if the mullet didn’t grab ’em, then certainly the popped collar would get me the job.

  Working with Tony Danza and the cast of Who’s the Boss? was an invaluable education and a great start to my acting career.

  Alyssa Milano couldn’t have been nicer on the set of the show. I kept her sweet note to me.

  Bob Iger’s telegram wishing me luck with my first series, Living Dolls, meant so much to me that I’ve kept it ever since.

  Here are the network publicity shots for Living Dolls. A very exciting time. In the first one I’m all smiles. In the second one I’m trying to pull off a Dynasty expression. But instead everyone just asked me if I was pissed off.

  At the wrap party for Living Dolls. Crying, thinking I would never work again.


  Even at the age of eighteen, I wanted to claim my star. I’m still waiting. . . .

  My first new car, a Toyota Tercel that soon got repossessed.

  My sisters Stephanie (who passed) and Elizabeth, Kevin James, me, and my dad shooting the opening credits of The King of Queens in Queens.

  Angelo Pagan

  With my Saved by the Bell co-star Mark-Paul Gosselaar in the early nineties in a makeout scene and twenty years later.

  I was so excited to be working with Dick Van Dyke, one of my favorites, on an episode of Diagnosis Murder. A guest spot that led to another pilot that didn’t go anywhere. But I did meet a legend.

  I had a recurring role on CBS’s Evening Shade, which led to a spinoff pilot that aired as a TV movie.

  One of the things I loved about Burt Reynolds was how every time he saw me, he gave me another headshot of himself. I now have a collection, which I cherish.

  My guest star appearance on Cheers, playing Carla’s (Rhea Perlman, pictured next) daughter. The scary thing is that I didn’t hate this dress!

  Photo by NBC/NBCU Photo Bank via Getty Images

  The night Angelo and I got engaged. I was crying so much I couldn’t even eat my dinner. We went home immediately afterward and invited my mom and family over to celebrate with us.

  Yes, very happy here, but then . . . the 110-degree weather in Las Vegas, not my smartest move.

  I did finally get on Friends, but for only one episode, as Joey’s girlfriend.

  Me and two of the funniest guys I know.

  Kevin James, my favorite leading man.

  I kept blowing my lines here because my makeup artist had given me champagne before the show. Kevin blew my cover to the audience.

  One time at a taping of the show, Kevin kept messing up his lines. He swore it would happen to me next and, sure enough, it did, as he raised his hands in know-it-all victory.

  Here I am with the cast (Jerry Stiller, Kevin, Patton Oswalt, and Gary Valentine) celebrating our hundredth episode. Someone toasted to a hundred more. Kevin and I looked at each other like, yeah, right.

  Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

  We surpassed this two-hundredth-episode cake with two hundred and seven episodes total.

  I had a great time making Old School. Vince Vaughn and Will Ferrell made me laugh out loud every day both in between takes and while we were filming.

  I was thrilled to have my mom and sister with me at the Old School premiere. As always, they were there to support me.

  L. Cohen/WireImage/Getty Images

  Getting a hug from Tom Cruise at the premiere of his movie Collateral in 2004.

  Hanging out with my stepsons: Nico, Alex, and Angelo.

  Albert L. Ortega/WireImage/Getty Images

  I actually thought I looked pretty skinny here and wondered if people knew I was pregnant. Meanwhile I’m big as a house, and wearing white.

  Sofia, don’t be mad at Mommy, but I had to share that cute butt.

  One of the rare moments our daughter wasn’t crying.

  Me and my girl.

  Blowing out the candles and making a wish at Sofia’s fifth birthday party.

  Giulio Napolitano/AFP/Getty Images

  Here I am with Jennifer and Marc in Italy. Look to the right of Jennifer. That’s my white sleeve.

  The view from our hotel room in Rome, where we stayed for Tom and Katie’s wedding, with paparazzi waiting below.

  This is one of the only photos Angelo and I took the entire wedding weekend. All I could say about the Colosseum is, it’s not like in the movies. Where’s the part where the gladiator comes out? Boring, as far as I was concerned.

  Supporting my girl at American Idol.

  Jen supporting me at Dancing with the Stars.

  Cuteness all around.

  Sofia, hanging with the boys—Angelo and Marc.

  Early on, I was excited about doing something different at The Talk. Pictured here with Sara Gilbert, Sharon Osbourne, Holly Robinson Peete, and Julie Chen.

  Me and the ladies of The Talk on the Sony private jet on our way to the television upfronts to promote our first season.

  Backstage at an Ozzy Osbourne concert for my mother’s birthday. Sharon not only had a cake for my mom, but had Ozzy surprise her and pull her onstage. He literally had to kick her offstage because she wouldn’t leave.

  Finally made the cover of the New York Post!

  My partner, Tony Dovolani, always had my back on Dancing with the Stars.

  A great friendship that came out of DWTS. Here with Tony and his beautiful wife, Lina.

  It’s become a Christmas tradition for me to buy all the girls in my family matching PJs. Here we are in a cabin we rented in Big Bear: Shannon, Nicole, Mom, me, my niece Brianna, and Sofia. The ladies in red.

  A publicity photo for my reality show It’s All Relative. Although working with family can be difficult, we were all so appreciative of the experience.

  To my family and friends, for your undying support. I dedicate this book to you.

  And to my fellow nonconformists, aka troublemakers. May you always continue to speak the truth.

  Acknowledgments

  I would like to thank my publisher, Ballantine Books, for having the balls to say yes to this book. Not everyone (regardless of how much “in the headlines” the subject may be) has the courage to publish a book knowing how litigious the Church of Scientology is toward people and groups who simply want to tell their story. My editor, Pam Cannon, worked morning, noon, and night to get this book right. (If I heard “Mommy is on the phone” once during this process, I heard it a thousand times.) You kept your promise to me to hold my hand the entire time, and I will be forever grateful to you and your team.

  To Rebecca Paley, you spent so many hours listening to me go on and on; you laughed at my dumb jokes and stories that I swore were vital to this book. You did a beautiful job of editing some real nasty crap I wanted to say about myself and others, always keeping the bigger picture in mind.

  To all the people I pissed off, personally and professionally: Forgive me. But I’m sure not much will change.

  To APA’s Jim Gosnell, Hayden Meyer, Brian Speiser, Steve Fisher, Lee Dinstman, and Jonathan Perry: Thank you for putting up with me, probably the most irritating client in APA history.

  To Carol Bodie and Oren Segal: How brave you were to take me on as a client even after I told you how many managers I had fired!

  To Kelly Bush and Rachel Karten at ID: I am lucky to have you both.

  To Tony Biancosino, Mike Odair, and the crew of It’s All Relative: Thank you for hanging in there.

  To The King of Queens creators, writers, cast, and crew: Thank you for making our show so great that audiences still find it entertaining today.

  To Kevin James: Thank you for being my leading man. Even now, you are leading me by teaching me about forgiveness. And I love you for that.

  To Harry Gold: Although we have parted ways professionally, I will always love you for what you have done for me.

  To Jessica Paster: You are a wonderful and caring person in a jaded business. You go far and beyond for me and my family.

  To my support team—Celia Reyes, Trish Sereka, Louie Barbusca, Raffy Ganimian: You are more than employees. You are there for me in ways that go far beyond the call of duty. Without you, I would fall apart. I love you all.

  To Corina Duran Rabichuck: Despite your being rude, obnoxious, and unprofessional as my makeup artist, you have been one of my most dedicated and loyal friends.

  To Jennifer “Jai” Jordan, Henry Byalikov, Yaron and Colby Abraham, Loren Ridinger, Nilda Rodriguez, Addie Markowitz, Lucille Chuiasano, Brendan Johnston, Laney Ziv, Andrea Martin, Nazanin Boniadi,
Anna Maria Orzano, Maria Savoy, Sinbad, and Debbie Barbusca: I love you and I cherish our friendship.

  To Cheryl Burke: You are family now and I love you.

  To Mark Feuerstein: You are the mensch of all mensches.