"I said I would."
"Yes I know, but. . . this way." She took my arm and hauled me into the darkness. I did not look to see if Vaysh was following. Kate and her friends had gathered round a table right next to the dance floor; the music was deafening there. Colored lights swept crazily through the smoke. I could see her mouth moving and presumed she was introducing us to the others. She couldn't stop looking at Vaysh. He was giving one of his virtuoso performances of astounding indifference, resting his elbows on the table, with his chin in his hands, looking bored. Kate was desperate to keep us entertained, although I would have been quite happy just watching the dancers. It was a strain to keep shouting over the noise.
"I got the job!" she bellowed and insisted on buying us more drinks. Restless as ever, she
kept
leaving the table to dance. Her friends realized the futility of trying to get acquainted
with us, so most of the time I was left with only Vaysh to mouth at. He looked sulky and
lovely, and because of the drink, I remember trying to get him to talk to me. "You're drunk,"
he said.
Five empty glasses stood in sticky rings on the table in front of me when the music died down. My ears were ringing insanely; I felt pleasantly unsteady.
Kate leaned over. "Soon you'll hear the real music," she said, her face damp and flushed. "Are you enjoying yourself?"
I nodded and smiled and could feel Vaysh looking at both of us with scorn. Kate waved at someone. "Now be sociable, Pell, here's Rue. I want you to meet him," she said with a conspiratorial smirk. The one she called Rue sauntered over to our table; white light from the stage at the other end of the room shone through his hair. "Wait till you see this," Kate hissed to me through her teeth. "Hello Rue, mixing with the rabble are you? I'd like you to meet a friend of mine ..."
That was where Kate faded out, more suddenly than she had intended, I'm sure. True magnetism is a hard thing to define, but Rue had it in abundance; shameless abundance. This was a classic example of what Thiede had once spoken to me about; instant gravitation. I suppose it was because he reminded me of Cal in a way; he had white-gold hair, but it was much longer. In looks, Vaysh could have outshone him easily (without the sulk), but what he lacked in symmetry of feature, Rue made up for generously with sheer sensuality and confidence. I could almost hear Vaysh thinking, "Ugh, how common!" and that in itself delighted me.
"Rue, sit down," Kate said, with the interested bustle of a voyeur, making room, patting the seat.
"I can't stay," he said, and looked at me. "Oh, hi," he added carelessly. I must have mumbled something inane. He smiled and walked away, leaping up onto the stage and through some curtains at the back.
"A singer," Kate explained and slid me a knowing glance. "Did you like him?"
"Mmm," I agreed, non-commitally.
Kate laughed, "You can't stay in mourning for ever," she pointed out incisively.
"Kate, shut up."
"You can't. I'm not psychic but . . ."
"Kate, shut up."
"Why are you grinning then?"
"Kate!"
"Pellaz, how much longer do you want to stay here?" Vaysh complained in his usual chilly voice beside me. He had barely touched his first drink. I had forgotten he was there.
"You can go back if you like," I said and we stared at each other for several excruciating seconds.
"Don't think about doing anything stupid," he said with a sneer
"What's stupid?" I asked delicately and he would not reply. "Chaperone as well then," I said in a low voice. He still would not answer. Then all the lights dimmed out and I could feel heat rising in the darkness.
Vaysh shifted awkwardly in his seat; his bangle knocked against the table. A sound, like a hissing heartbeat prickled my skin. It built up slowly, louder and louder, and the crowd cheered and whistled. The excitement was infectious; Kate climbed up onto her seat. For a moment, silence, and then with a flash of white light and plumes of steam, drums rolled like thunder and Rue was bathed in a cataract of spotlights upon the stage. I stood up. Primal and thrilling, the music roared through my head. Rue leapt around the other musicians; sparks of light lasered off the chrome of their instruments. His voice was a scream then a snarl; he crouched to tease the nearest of his audience, leaping up; his body supple as a snake. Kate leaned down and put her arms round my neck. "Dance with me," she said. The heat of other bodies pressed against us and for a moment I held her close. She laughed in my face, mocking, bitter, and pulled away. "Demon!" she said and then, in my ear, "but what a way to die!"
I had danced, as a child, in the sand. My mother had said, "What does he see that we can't? What does he dance to?" I had danced to the sky, reaching up for it, feeling a great and exciting void that had reached down for me. That had been so long ago but I could remember it vividly. I felt like that now. Before, the music had been only inside my head, now it filled my being and carried me. The sky had reached me.
At the end we cheered and shrieked and applauded; let it begin again. Hut the house lights came back on and Kate led us back to our seats. We were both drenched in sweat and exhausted to the point of collapse. I was surprised to see Vaysh still sitting there and steeled myself for the verbal assault. Unpredictable as ever he said, "You dance very well."
"Buy Kate a drink," I said. It scared me when he was nice to me. He gave me a sour smile and disappeared, sinuously, in the direction of the bar. Kate sat beside me, attempting to organize her wet hair.
"I really needed this," I told her and she looked at me quickly.
"I could see that," she said. "Your friend's a strange one isn't he?"
"He's not my friend!" I said, too harshly and she replied.
"Oh, really?"
Rue waited for quite a while before he came back to our table, as I had known he would. Outwardly tranquil, I was fighting the insufferable battle between guilt and desire. Could I forget so quickly? My feelings disgusted me, but I couldn't stop looking at Rue. He sat opposite me, the light behind him; his face was indistinct.
Vaysh leaned over and whispered in my ear, like a nagging conscience, "You'll regret it Pell, you will."
"Regret what? What are you talking about?"
"You know," he said.
"What do you care?" I retorted.
"Remember who you are," he said. "Anyway, it's too soon. If you weren't drunk, you'd see that. Remember last night . . ."
I turned on him savagely, "You love to make me miserable, don't you!"
He shook his head, "Not particularly." I sighed heavily. Rue was talking to Kate but he kept looking over at us.
"Look Pell," Vaysh hissed, conscious of Rue's vigilance, "we'll be here a few days. Just think about it.
I glanced back at Rue. He felt my stare and looked into my eyes. I was torn two ways; it was not easy.
"OK Vaysh, let's go." Vaysh was on his feet in an instant.
"Are you leaving? Kate asked, startled, seeing her plans disintegrate, | whatever they might have been.
"Yes," I answered, and could not resist adding, "Where will you be tomorrow night?"
She seemed to relax then. "Oh, the bar on the quay, probably. The Red Cat; where we went
today."
"Right, I'll see you there, then." The message was not just for her but I did not look at
Rue. Vaysh and I walked back to the inn in frosty silence.
This was it then: the monumental choice. That night, I sat up alone in my room, chain-smoking, drinking cold coffee and trying to think rationally. All the windows were open; the night was very warm. I kept going to stare down at the gardens and heady perfume wafted up to me. My mind was in turmoil. Ferelithia was a night-time world of crazy fantasy. All of it was new, untasted and exciting. I had spent so little time quite simply enjoying myself. Life with Cal had often been hard; many nights spent in cold or discomfort. Now I had arrived in a land of plenty clothed in new flesh that was hungry for life; a body that was radiant with
the finest of Wraeththu beauty. Most of the time I was unconscious of it, but tonight I had seen it work for me. Rue's eyes. . . . Something prim and small argued inside me against the glowing vivacity. Didn't I owe it to Cal to restrain myself? Had I forgotten my vow so quickly? Ah yes, my eagerness countered, but I had not vowed celibacy had I? I was too sensible for that. I had pledged my heart to Cal and yet, only that was sacred. Oh, come now! the primness insisted, you have seen an attractive har in a crowded, noisy place where everything was stimulating; music you'd never heard before, potent liquor, carefree Hara whose lives seemed enviably easy. It's not surprising you were tempted; it was just the atmosphere. I stood up and paced the floor. One thing I knew for sure, had known ever since my inception; Wraeththukind needed aruna. It was simply part of their existence and nothing to be ashamed about. Only love had made me feel shame. Perhaps this was the warning. Perhaps this was why Wraeththu scorned the relationships of men. Love means guilt means trouble. It was ridiculous; five years had passed. It was a concept that was almost too terrifying to think about and one, since Kate had made me realize it, which I had pushed to the back of my mind. Five years lost. Nobody knew; not those that had once cared for me. To them I was simply dead—mourned and forgotten. Just thinking of it chilled me. Mortal remains burned and rotted, skin, teeth, hair and bones. I looked down at my outspread hands. Had they heard of my death in Saltrock, in Galhea, at the Kakkahaar settlement in the desert? Did they ever speak of me? I summoned Rue's face to my mind's eye and sighed. He desired me. To him I was alive. It was inevitable that Cal had forgotten me, if indeed he still lived. I was just afraid; scared that in the arms of another, I would think only of him. "Pellaz, you are nearly a king!" I told myself. "Pellaz, you are har. What you feel is natural to you and you must obey
your instincts." But I could not climb out of the guilt. Then there was Vaysh, his censure of my behavior. To him aruna would be viewed as surrender at best and humiliation at worst, locked as he was in the ice-castle of his pride. I could not rely on his advice. Tomorrow, I would see; what will be will be. That was the only way out. Fate had me in her arms and I would not fight her.
After breakfast, I decided to take Peridot out for some excercise. Vaysh declined to join me; in his sullenness that day, he looked almost gray.
Peridot looked so pleased to see me I felt guilty I had not been to see him the day before. Vaysh's horse watched us mournfully as we trotted out into the sunlight. Now that I knew how to, I communicated with Peridot nearly all the time, passing over my thoughts on Ferelithia. To him, it was just bustle and color and pleasing smells. I could feel his mild impatience at the chaos of my mind. I took him down to the beach and let him canter along the damp sand, through the wavelets. Ferelithia had reached my heart; I could have happily stayed there for ever
Round lunchtime, hunger lured me back to the inn. I thought miserably of the sour face that would probably be waiting for me and was therefore gratefully surprised when I saw Kate lounging against the bar.
"How did you find me?" I asked and she tapped her nose and laughed.
"I wanted to see you. I feel a bit guilty about last night," she said.
"You do!" I snapped, not meaning to sound so angry.
"Oh, I'm sorry Pell. I was a bit drunk and," she shrugged expressively, "well, you know. I shouldn't have said what I did about Rue or implied what I did. It was awful of me; after what you said about Cal... and what you didn't say! Is that why you left so early?"
"Oh Kate, you've done nothing wrong," I said to ease the worried look from her face. "I didn't leave because of anything you did. I just had to think."
She nodded abstractedly, "Yes, I understand. Anyway," brightening, "what did you think of Temple Radiant?"
I threw up my arms and laughed.
"Yes," she said, "I felt like that at first. That's because there's a little bit of peasant mentality lurking somewhere inside both of us, I suppose."
"Speak for yourself!" I chided. "It made me realize what I've been missing. Everything's been so hellishly serious lately."
We ordered a light meal and went to sit at one of the low tables near the empty hearth. I kept thinking of what Vaysh had said about the future of women. Was Kate lonely? If I had known her better, I would have asked, but instead inquired about how she had ended up in Ferelithia. She grinned sheepishly and said she had run away from home. There had been no future for her in Greenling, other than becoming some man's wife, and whatever benefits that position had once offered seemed pointless now. "I want to enjoy what's left of the world," she said, with a wide sweep of her arm. "What's left of it for me, anyhow. It will soon all belong for Wraeththu and, although I can't be part of it, I can still enjoy some secondhand thrills."
"Have you ever thought, Kate, that it might be possible for women to share our future?" I asked.
"You obviously have," she answered evasively and I sensed her embarrassment. "You've touched a secret nerve there, Pell, you really have."
"It just doesn't make sense sometimes," I said.
"Oh, it does, there are reasons, Pell. Heavy, somewhat theosophical ones. Man before the Fall and all that. I'm just a spare rib and, I'm afraid, fearfully redundant. Woman is in you Pell; you know that."
"You seem to know more about it than I do," I observed.
"Well, that's obvious, isn't it. You don't really have to question things; you just are. I was full of frustrated anger at first. All of it seemed so unfair. Men, horrible things, seemed to have got away with lifetimes of mistreating women only to cheerfully phase us out with a timely mutation!"
"I must admit, that's how it seems to me," I agreed.
"Well, it's not like that," she said firmly. "It's purely biological, I think. Males are easier to mutate; but the female is there. You can't see it very easily, perhaps, but it is there.
"Why do we call each other "he" then?" I argued.
"Oh God, I don't know!" she laughed. "If it bothers you that much, think of something else. Think how easy it would be to get used to it!"
"Has anyone ever tried to incept a woman, do you think?" I asked.
She drew her breath in deeply and stared at the table. "Oh, yes," she said. Her voice was soft. I did not ask her to explain. "When I die, Pell," she continued, looking up with grave eyes, "that's when I get my chance. You should know that."
I shivered. Kate had accepted things so philosophically and worked out answers for herself. She had seen so plainly that which I had missed. We are all one. The bodies are different; but bodies are expendable. The soul goes on for ever.
Vaysh came to sit on my bed as I got ready to go out that evening. That he disapproved of my actions was obligatory; I only wished I could understand why. I was not so stupid as to think he was concerned for my welfare. He did not ask me any questions, just watched me steadily with blank eyes. Sometimes, I felt stronger than him; sometimes he reduced me to weakness. It was a constant struggle for supremacy between us; although for Vaysh it involved a deep fear of weakness. I just wanted to win for its own sake. I dressed myself in black leather and thin, white linen and was rather too lavish with the kohl.
"You don't need that," Vaysh remarked coldly.
CHAPTER SIX
The sacred pearl
The Red Cat was already busy when I arrived. The sun was setting in a blaze of color over the calm sea and some hara sat outside, laughing; the dink of glasses in the dusk. Not seeing anyone I recognized, I bought a mug of ale and sat down near the door. The room was much larger inside than I had anticipated and there was no sign of Kate. Absorbed in rehearsing a hundred different conversations, I did not notice Kate's friends sit down round a table nearby until they had been there for quite some time. Then one of them recognized me and called my name, beckoning me over. He had lilac hair plaited with feathers and earrings that brushed his shoulders. In fact, all of them were weighed down with gaudy jewelery. Two of them were musicians in Rue's band, which was named, somewhat esoterically, The Closets of Emily
Child. They introduced themselves as Pharis and A morel; the Har with the lilac hair was Karn. I had to fend off a rapid fire of quick-witted remarks and then a volley of salacious observations about Vaysh. Amorel asked, "Where is he?" and I replied, "It's still daylight isn't it?"
"Just . . ."
"Then he'll be in his coffin; ask later."
I did not see Rue until he walked up behind Amorel and put his hands round his neck. They all seemed pleased to see him and no wonder. The light here was much brighter than it had been in Temple Radiant and, if anything, flattered Rue more. His long, yellow hair was spiked up and crimped down his back and his face was unpainted, his skin tanned. A loose, white vest complimented his coloring and the customary black leather defined with pleasing candor, the slimness of his hips. I was virtually drooling into my ale. He must have sensed my scrutiny; one of the others looked at me and laughed. I wished Kate was there. They all knew what was going on. Rue was still draped around Amorel. He narrowed his eyes a little before he smiled at me. I found out later that his eyesight was not that good.
The Wraeththu Trilogy Page 25
