by Charles Dean
Ling frowned. The thought of Lee having to bury more people hurt more than a little. “Yeah, he can do that. He’ll take care of it for you.”
Name: Jade
Race: Human
Class: Herald - ???
Level: 35
Health: 450/450
EXP: 38651/57000
Primary Stats:
Power 45
Toughness 45
Spirit 45
Secondary Stats:
Charisma 19 (21)
Courage 14
Deceit 12
Intelligence 38
Honor -4
Faith 12378
Personal Faith 9257
Skills:
Unarmed Combat Initiate Level 2
Sneak Initiate Level 4
Swordplay Initiate Level 5
Sewing Initiate Level 1
Intimidation Novice Level 1
Divine Skills:
Blood Golem Journeyman Level 10
Hemomancy Novice Level 7
Divinity Powers:
Fountain of Fecundity
Titles:
Town Impregnator
The Butcher of Buachailliville
The Looney Lady
Genki Gaijin
Chuunibyou Hime
Otaku Apprentice
Hikkomori Herald
Twenty-Something Magical Girl
“Jade, do something! I think he’s actually going to die!” Brigid spat out the words in a panic, rushing over and squeezing her hands against Lee’s wounding neck as if applying pressure would somehow keep the blood in.
Ugh. She really is dumb. Are all NPCs this stupid? Jade questioned as she stared at the fading Herald. “Should I actually save him?” Jade wondered aloud. “I mean, I suppose I kind of have to.”
“You have to?” Mary asked from within her head.
“He’s the main character, isn’t he? The main character can’t die. Wait, what if he’s just a red herring main character? The writers are tricking us into thinking he’s the main character when, all along, it is STILL ME!!!” Jade proclaimed triumphantly.
“I keep telling you that this isn’t an anime,” Mary said irritably, and from the tone of her voice, it was clear that this was a topic she had covered many, many times. “Will you stop that and just . . . I don’t know . . . Fix him? Do something? You know modern medicine. Figure it out.”
“Meh. You don’t need to say anything,” Augustus slurred. “Either he has my magic charm and irresistibility, and she’ll help him whether she wants to or not, or he’ll die, and that’ll be that. No matter what you pick, I say you draw a picture on his face and let me get a good screenshot of it. Make it as embarrassing as possible.”
“AUGUSTUS!” Mary shouted, “Will you show some decency! Isn’t he your Herald? Your flesh and blood? How can you be so callous? I thought you cared!”
“I do, but he’ll be fine. Why should I beat myself up over it?” Augustus shot back.
“Ugh! Old married couple! If you insist on bickering, can you do it OUTSIDE OF MY HEAD?!” Jade shouted. “I swear, you two aren’t even important to the plot. Why must you constantly bother me with your old couple complaining? It’s so noisy!”
“We’re not a couple!” Mary said back. “He’s just--”
“What, your only and closest friend in the whole wide universe? The one you depend on all the time and defer to constantly? The one who told you to bark, and you barked--which was kinky, but seriously, you had me come all the way out here--and you’re going to try and tell me you two aren’t a couple?”
“It’s complicated,” Mary protested weakly.
“Not that complicated. Just shut up and have your romance off camera. This scene doesn’t need you.” Jade was so incredibly annoyed at how they would constantly bring her into their problems, and it was always distracting her. Before she met Lee, she didn’t have anyone in this world to talk to who was actually a person and not some stupid, idiotic NPC, so she put up with it. But now that she had someone to chat with, the voices were just annoying, and they made her feel like she was going even crazier than she already was. Well, you’re already possibly hallucinating that you’re stuck in a video game. Maybe voices in the head is a step up, not down.
“I like her better than you!” Augustus’s grating voice chimed back in, and his subsequent laughter resounded in Jade’s skull. “Alright, then. Do your thing, crazy woman.”
“Thank you for your approval, random voice in my head. Now, keep your woman quiet like you actually know how to use a belt.” Jade finally took the time to focus on Lee’s mangled body and tried to figure out what to do. The other day, when she had met him, he had been the most heroic figure she had ever seen, a pure beacon of manliness gliding through the sky while rescuing the crazy NPC. The next day, her opinion of him had only gone up as he single-handedly fought wild beasts, one after the other, no matter the odds. Now, here he was, broken and looking like he was about to die at any moment.
“Who are you talking to?” Brigid asked, interrupting Jade as she thought about how to handle the situation.
“WILL YOU SHUT UP, NPC?! I’M TRYING TO THINK!” Jade snapped. She actually liked Brigid. A lot. For an NPC, her character was believable, well-written and properly drawn out. Out of all the anime- and NPC-like characters in this world that she had come across so far, Brigid felt the least like disposable filler. Yup, she’s definitely going to make it to act three, maybe even act four, before they kill her off like it’s Hamlet on a fun-time spree, Jade thought as she eyed the girl. But she’s way too attractive to be hanging around my . . . Oh, yeah! Dying man. Still need to fix that . . . “You know what? I think the only way to save him . . . is to get some of your blood, NPC,” Jade said, a random idea occurring to her. If I can infuse her blood with my power, I could just inject it into him and fix up the bleed-out problem no issue, right?
“Really?” Brigid asked, clearly disbelieving. “My blood? Will I be okay?”
“See, now I’m going to have to tell him that you asked, and you’re going to lose out on all those tsundere sacrifice points you were gonna get for offering your blood,” Jade complained with a sigh. For a harem wench, she’s absolutely terrible at her job. She needs to show real affection! “In the future, you need to go, ‘Oh no, he’s dying! What can I do to save him? Take my life if you have to!’” Jade started acting out the most desperate princess moment she could imagine. “‘Take everything; just save him! Woe is me! Woe is me without him!’” She concluded her scene and then straightening herself out. “See? Like that. If you do it like that, then the player will like you better. That way, you won’t get killed off or discarded when another, better optional romance shows up in the next DLC for . . . whatever this game is.”
“It’s not a game! He’s dying! Do what you have to do, but stop lollygagging when his life is on the line!” Brigid demanded. Then she took a knife and cut across her own wrist. “Here, take my blood.”
What? That was way too sexy, hot and direct. I freaking loved it! Which means he will too! Not fair, NPC woman! Don’t up your difficulty rating so quickly! I will not lose to you! Jade’s eyes flared at the challenge as she took a knife and cut her own wrist. “Fine, here we go!” She collected the blood that was falling from Brigid’s wrist and her own and, pooling it together, she magically redirected it into Lee’s veins. It was a messy project, especially since Lee’s body seemed to reject their blood at first.
Well . . . what if we put some of his in ours and then . . . Jade briefly thought about it for a minute then just did it. She wasn’t sure how it worked, but she was able to take Lee’s pooled-up blood, purify it, then pull it through the wounds and into Brigid’s and her own body where, with the help of her skill, she was able to mix their blood through each other before then transfusing it back into him. It was a rough and fairly-sloppy process, but doing stuff like this was one of the few abilities she had. When it came to blood, she was the queen. There was nothing she couldn�
��t do with the gooey, weird substance, even if she limited herself to making coagulated katanas most of the time.
“There, done!” she declared triumphantly.
“But, he’s . . . He still looks dead,” Brigid said, clutching her wrist where she had cut herself. Jade had used some of her magic to patch up the wound, making temporary blood-crafted seals on all of their injuries.
“Why in the hell am I even talking to an NPC? I swear, I do a good deed, I save your boyfriend, and you go whining about the speed when I finish! You’re so annoying sometimes.” Jade made a point of sighing as loud and exasperatedly as she could right into Brigid’s face. “Will you please fix your programming and be more useful? If you had been with him, maybe he wouldn’t be taking a dirt nap right now. I mean, what? You spent all day pining and lusting after his nice butt and those broad shoulders and that cute face and the sexy scruff where a beard is starting to grow . . .” Jade paused, her mouth hanging open for a second before she shut it and went back to lecturing. “And then what? You just conveniently walk away from him right as the villain is going to show up? Why must you NPCs always be so predictably stupid? Bodyguard is a full-time job, woman!”
“I’m not his bodyguard! I’m the general leading the expedition! And you were the one who made me join you in your room so that I wouldn’t be bothering him,” Brigid responded, attacking both points instantly.
“Tomato, potato. It doesn’t matter,” Jade said. “Clearly, as the winning harem member, it’s your job to protect--”
“She died,” Brigid interrupted, angrily staring into Jade’s eyes as she blurted out just those two words.
“Huh?” Jade blinked. “What are you talking about? Did he kill the other Herald, and I just didn’t get the death notification? Is there a body nearby?” She looked around, searching for a corpse.
“No, his ‘winning harem member,’ as you would call her, died. I saw her death with my own eyes only a few days ago. She died right in his arms,” Brigid explained.
“Wait? Seriously?” Jade took this news as a bit of a blow. “You mean . . . You mean he already went through the tragic death scene, and it wasn’t me? I guess I should feel relieved that it wasn’t me, but that’s messed up, man! I should have at least been there to watch it with some popcorn and--”
“Please, don’t belittle a man’s loss so quickly,” Brigid said, cutting her off. “Even I can tell you that who he was before and who he is now after her death are two different men, and it is certainly not something to be laughed about. How dare you make his loss a part of your twisted jokes.”
Seriously? I’m getting lectured by the NPC about another NPC dying? I mean, I guess they have a vested interest but . . . Ugh! Why does it feel like I’m on the wrong side of this argument? Am I the villain? No, of course not. I’m the main female lead, fresh on the scene, so who is she to tell me off? Jade snorted. “I didn’t belittle anyone. You’re imagining things. I’m just . . . just saying I’d have been there for him.”
“From what I understand, he already had plenty of support from his friend Ling. She was--”
“THAT MEGUMIN AGAIN?! I totally forgot about her! How big is his harem?! We got the tragic dead girl, now the supportive friend . . . Where is my--” Jade began her protest, but she realized that she was going to be called out and made fun of by the NPC again, so she tempered her reaction. “Deep breath, Jade-O,” she told herself. “I’m just asking, what role is left for me? Why are there so many female characters? Why couldn’t I be stuck with the nice, nerdy guy that sits on the couch eating potato chips all day and doesn’t go around saving the day and building up NPC harems?”
Brigid didn’t respond this time. She simply glared at Jade and then went back to looking at Lee, who had a lot more color than before. His breathing was also strong enough now to be noticeable, and he seemed to be making a steady recovery.
“La da-da-da da da da da da-da!” Jade sang out the victory instrumentals from her favorite Circle Phoenix game, Nobel-Born People Have Magic.
“What are you doing now?” Brigid asked, her shoulders slumping defeatedly.
“Victory music. You should get a tune to play after you accomplish something. That way, you can be like, ‘Constipation defeated! La da-da-da da da da da da-da!’ Sometimes, I use the song from their sequel, If You Aren’t Born Special, You Suck: Dun dun! Da dun dun! It’s the best thing to sing out when you do something awesome or adultlike, like pay your bills on time or parallel park in under ten minutes.”
Brigid looked incredibly confused. “Bills? Parallel park?”
“Oh, God, this is why this place is a fantasy world. You don’t know what bills are, and you’ve never had to parallel park. How I envy your sweet, innocent, ignorant NPC brain. You’ll never know the horrors of final exams cropping up on the same week that your favorite streaming site releases fifty hours of bingeable materials.” Jade shook her head. That poor, sweet, stupid NPC . . . God bless her. “Anyway, victory music. Come on. Sing it with me ‘cause he’s alive, Ms. Frankenberry.”
“Is he safe to move to his quarters? I think I’d like to be inside, given that I don’t know how safe it is out here,” Brigid said, walking over to his body and picking him up.
“Nope! No stealing a march on me, small chest. He’s mine,” Jade insisted, taking Lee from Brigid’s arms and walking him down into the city.
The Dwarf that had come and yelled at them for help was waiting at the entrance. He looked horrified when he saw Lee’s body, but after a second, he looked relieved.
“Yeah, I was pretty shocked too,” Jade added when he saw the Dwarf’s expression. “I always thought I’d get princess carried before I princess carried someone else, but with a male lead, we need all the gender role switching we can get, or else the game might get petitioned by feminists.”
“What?” Brigid asked. Both she and the old Dwarven man looked confused. “What’s feminism?”
“You simple, simple people. Oh well, at least he owes me a princess carry. Actually. He owes me like five. I saved his life. I should get breakfast in bed for a week. And maybe he should feed me grapes while I lay around and do nothing. OH! OH! Or better yet, I need a foot massage. These shoes? Freaking terrible. Mary, how come you can’t get me some proper tennis shoes? I’m telling you, it’s like hiking in sandals with these things!” Jade just kept on talking as she finished carrying Lee to his room. When she got him there, she looked over at Brigid. “What? You gonna wait with him all night?”
“I thought you said it’s an NPC’s job to guard him?”
“Oh, I did. Actually . . . Hmm . . . I’ve got an idea. Come over here,” Jade said, motioning for Brigid to come closer to her. Now, pull up a chair and sit right here. Right next to his bed.”
“What are you doing?” Brigid asked. She looked confused, but she did as she was told while Jade finished tucking Lee into bed. Then Jade looked over at Brigid. “No, his harem is too big for this to work. On second thought, get in the bed with him to warm up his body. Otherwise, he might die of heat loss.”
Brigid looked at Jade incredulously. “I will not lower myself to that . . . Are you . . . What are you doing?”
“I’m getting in bed with him to keep his body warm. What does it look like? Then I’m going to cover myself with the blanket so that he can’t see who it is, and when he wakes up, he’ll be like, ‘Oh no! What’s going on? Who is with me? Where am I?’ And I’ll pop out and go, ‘Oh my, Mr. Cute Butt, last night was amazing.’ Then he’ll go--”
“Are you insane?! How could you do that to a man who almost died?!”
“And whom I saved, which means I can do this without a guilty conscience at all,” Jade replied, proudly puffing out her chest.
“Doing the right thing once does not clear you to do the wrong thing! Are you listening to me?”
Brigid seemed like she was about to head off on another lecture, but Jade had already crawled into the bed and covered herself up with the blanket, preemptively ignoring
any logic-filled tirade the Leprechaun woman had to offer.
“You are so childish!” Brigid declared, storming off and slamming the door behind her.
“Classic tsundere,” Jade sighed, and then she nuzzled herself into Lee, falling asleep as she waited for him to wake up.
Chapter 9
Name: Lee
Race: Human
Class: Herald - Statesman
Level: 29
Health: 42/390
EXP: 4182/51500
Primary Stats:
Power 39 (43)
Toughness 39 (43)
Spirit 39 (43)
Secondary Stats:
Charisma 31
Courage 22
Deceit 31
Intelligence 209 (230)
Honor -2
Faith 32678
Personal Faith 192
Skills:
Unarmed Combat Initiate Level 7
Swordplay Novice Level 10
Sneak Journeyman Level 4
Cooking Initiate Level 8
Trap Detection Initiate Level 6
Knife Combat Initiate Level 9
Mental Fortitude Initiate Level 1
Sleight of Hand Initiate Level 3
Blood Shield Initiate Level 5
Sewing Initiate Level 4
Glass Smithing Novice Level 4
True Patriot
Carpentry Initiate Level 8
Delegation
The Statesman:
Territories:
Satterfield (+10: Savior)
Defensive Strength Rating: 5
Economic Strength rating: 3
Population
Rating:1
