He put his forehead over mine, pressed down on my mouth with both hands, and roughly filled me. His eyes were thin slits, focused on me so intently that the sight of his orgasm was enough to send me into my own. We came looking into each other’s eyes, the blanket of desire pulled over us both.
Without saying anything, he rose. He bent, grabbed my wrists, and pulled me up by my bindings and into his arms. He carried me into the master bath, setting me near the toilet.
I had a second to make it, scurrying to sit down and moaning the moment I let myself go.
When it came time to wipe, I looked down at my bindings and up at him.
He crossed his arms over his chest, giving me those same intense dark eyes. He looked different, larger, darker … unwavering.
“Can you please untie me?” I asked quietly.
Instead, he sank to his knees, grabbed my face, and kissed me until I was gasping. He grabbed the toilet paper, bundled a mound up, and stuck it between my thighs, gently wiping my sex. It was one of the most embarrassing sweetest things anyone had ever done for me. I blushed, avoiding his intent eyes.
“Shower or bath?” he asked.
Either would be together. I could tell that he wasn’t going far today. “Shower.”
He didn’t untie me until it was time to dress. He’d washed my entire body slowly, taking his time to clean every single inch of me while I melted in his touch.
His hands rubbed my red wrists. Then he found my eyes once more, as if he wanted nothing else but to stare into them.
He was freaking me out. “Can I get dressed now? You should, too.” I pointed at his erect penis. “He needs a cage.”
His lips lifted slightly in the corner. But he didn’t say anything but to nod once.
I gave him sideways glances as I dressed. His eyes followed me around the room, never leaving me for long. When he turned to put his boxers on, I slipped out of the room, sighing once free of his intense behavior.
“You’re in trouble, Miya.”
I turned around to find him leaning against the doorway. “What did I do?” My heartbreak was thick in my tone. I’d thought we’d had a perfect evening together.
“Nothing,” he assured me, frowning. “You haven’t done anything wrong. You’ve done everything right. But if I thought I loved you before, I know it now. I won’t ever let you go.”
I swallowed hard, not exactly sure where that came from, but not sure I wanted it gone either. “Oh, okay then.” I smiled timidly at his unsmiling frowning face.
He looked off-balance.
Like he had fallen completely in love. The damaging irrevocable kind. The soul stealing I’d do anything to keep it love.
I knew, because that’s what this had always been for me.
My heart beat easier at the same time it pounded harder, elated as it healed. For the first time in this relationship, I felt like I had my own spot.
Not on my knees or bound.
But standing and in control.
Of course, it could all be in my head, but the black holes in his eyes were trained on my every movement, not in dominance, but in weakness.
I grabbed my stomach, my muscles there burning. My sex felt slightly tender, nothing I couldn’t manage, and there weren’t any lasting marks from last night. Most of it was blurred in dark red wine and core shattering orgasms.
Leaving him to stare, I went into the kitchen in search of coffee. I opened a box of single serve cups the delivery man brought last night. “Do you want a—” I yelped when I spotted him right behind me. “Jaxon, seriously, stop looking at me like that.”
“Like what?”
“Like you’re playing with my soul or something. Ripping off the petals of a flower one by one.” I shoved him back. “Do you want coffee or not, creep?”
In response, he leaned forward and kissed me unbearably soft, only lips, no tongue, just tender soft brushes. It was disarming, especially for a man who did rough so well.
“Want,” he whispered. “I’ve never felt like this before.”
“How?”
“Like you’re responsible for the good in my life. I’ve never had any, and I know it’s been hard with us, because of me, but I’ve still felt so good around you. But last night, I …” He couldn’t finish. “I’ve never felt that connected or consumed by anyone in my entire life. I … liked it.” His breath rushed out, and his inexperience with good was so profound it broke my heart. “I really fucking liked it. And I don’t even want to hurt to make sense of it. I don’t want to hurt you anymore. I don’t want to hurt you.” He crushed me to his chest. “But I don’t know how to stop. I’m so sorry for cheating on you. I’m sorry.”
He imprisoned me in his grip. I felt his terror and his remorse. He was imagining himself in my position. The loss of control in his soul had sent him into some kind of shock.
What made him seek control and understand the depths of trust it took to give it up? Something painful, something horrendous had hurt him.
Something made my monster.
I allowed his odd behavior temporarily, making us both a cup of coffee and topping it with some half-and-half and sugar. We drank them on the same rug we’d played on last night. The caffeine hit my system and cleared my mind. The belt lay beside him and both glasses of wine were still upright, one far less empty than the other.
I stared out over the coast. The icy ocean breeze kissed my face and ankles. My skinny jeans and long-sleeve shirt protected most of me from the cold, but Jaxon was only wearing his briefs. He didn’t appear cold.
He didn’t appear to be anything but terrified.
I did the only thing I could think to do. I took a sip of coffee, waited for it to cool in my mouth, and then I spit it all over his chest.
His terror faded instantly. He glared, wiping at his chest. “What the hell, Miya?” He stomped away after setting his coffee down. Returning, he was dryer and in jeans and a black shirt. “Thanks,” he muttered, picking up his coffee and sitting beside me. “Next time, slap me. It’s less messy.”
I rested my head on his shoulder and stared out at the beautiful coast. My heart was in dire need of this man. Drinking coffee in the morning was as soothing as taking his belt. That was our love. Beautiful and dangerous.
“How long will we stay here?”
“As long as you want,” he said, bringing his coffee to his lips. “I’ve got to figure out what to do when we get back.” His defeat came out with a sigh. “I chose the wrong profession, and teaching was simply fighting that. I understand the medical and chemical aspects of being a psychiatrist, but I’ll never understand the emotional part, and that’s the part I need.”
He was stunted emotionally. Maybe we both were. “Have you ever tried therapy?”
He snorted. “I’ve tried, I really have. A few sessions in and the therapist wants to know everything. Everything. I’m not willing to say anything. Anything. Therapy won’t work unless you’re honest. I’ve never been honest with myself and I certainly won’t do it with a stranger. Have you? I won’t let myself think about you dealing with such a horrible thing all by yourself all these years.” He cleared his throat. “I haven’t let myself go there, Miya, or I’ll find him and fucking kill him.”
I hugged my knees, tensed. “No.”
His hand settled on my back. “May I speak to you as a medical professional and not as myself?”
I glared at the water.
“You have to talk about that. Pushing it down and down doesn’t make it go away, baby. It only makes it stronger. It’s going to come out one day, and if you’re not prepared for it, it could do some serious damage to your life and wellbeing.”
I felt the panic in my throat, the flood of unease in my blood. I did not want to talk about that.
“Maybe you can try talking to me? Someone you’re safe with?” His hand continued to rub my back reassuringly. Like he knew he was awakening the evil in me.
I scooted away from his hand.
“What do
you do with it, Miya? You just don’t think about it? All day, all night? All these years? You let that pain fester?” His tone was thick with his emotion. “I can’t imagine the damage that’s doing to you, my sweet girl.”
I fought the tears with all my might, pushing them back.
“Okay,” he said gently. “No more. But if I’m going to bare my soul to you, you must bare yours too. We can’t exactly love each other while we’re pushing parts of ourselves away.”
I got up and stomped away, slamming the front door shut. I heard him behind me before I realized I was running. I sped up, sprinting away from him and his softness and the altering panic I felt all those years.
He caught up to me at the end of the street, bearhugging and strong holding me back into the house. I fought him, never letting him get me where he wanted me before I wriggled free. I shoved him away and glared murderously at him.
“You will not run away from me again.” He bared down on me, teeth gnashed together.
The rage coiled in his arms, turning them into hard stones holding up his clenched fists.
“You run away from me one more fucking time, and I’ll chain you down in my bed and won’t think twice about living out our lives that way.”
Still raw from his prying, I took his threat the way I would take most things. I snapped. “I’ll run away when I want. I’m your submissive and your girlfriend, but I have legs that can take me wherever I want whenever you act like an asshole. Which is often, Jaxon.” I shoved at his chest. “Don’t threaten me right now!”
He visibly tried to reign in his anger. His eyes twitched and they glanced more than once at the belt on the ground before he ran both hands through his hair and swallowed his rage.
He pointed at me accusingly. “I don’t like this. This fucking power you have over me. No one, Miya, no one in this entire fucking world has power over me. No one!”
I crossed my arms over my chest. I didn’t know why, but there wasn’t a threat he could give me that scared me anymore. “You love me. I own you. Get over it.”
He snorted, face twisted. “You own me?”
“Like crazy.”
His jaw dropped. The longer our gazes warred, his incredulous, me petulant, his lips started to twitch, making mine do the same.
He laughed breathlessly and shook his head. “You’re insane, my sweet girl. Truly utterly insane. You don’t even own a cell phone. How are you going to own me?”
I walked to him, placing my hand squarely on the center of his chest. “With this.”
His body tensed. His eyes struggled to hold mine at the same time they glared. It was such a fitting view into who he was. He could disregard my emotions with ease, but it was so much harder for him to feel.
“Our coffee’s getting cold,” he murmured, putting his hand over mine and tangling our fingers as he led me back over to the rug. “I’m hungry,” he announced after while, once he was in control of his heart once more.
His heart was mine. I thought that fight was over. A strange chill moved over me, but I brushed it off. He hadn’t taken his eyes off me for more than twenty-four hours.
He left me, dropping a stack of menus and pamphlets on my lap when he came back. He flipped through menus and attraction pamphlets while I studied him closely. He’d never felt this way; he didn’t know how he’d do it, and that meant I didn’t know what kind of pain to expect from him next.
“Perhaps you enroll in some culinary classes next semester,” he joked, flashing me a crooked smile.
Mood swings … they were giving me headaches. “That’s really misogynistic. I didn’t expect that from a man like you. You think because I’m a woman I have to know how to cook? Sorry. I draw the line with panty bound wrists and pancake mix. That’s all you’re getting from my end.”
His crooked smile settled into a soft one, his eyes gazing at me in that open fallen way. “You promise?”
“Yes.” My heart pounded as he pulled my love one by one from my heart strings. He’d bind me with those ropes too, keeping me where I wanted to be. “I love you, Jaxon. Do you promise me that’s what you want?”
His hand extended toward me, moving to cup my face; his thumb skimmed across my lips as he spoke. “I promise you. I don’t know how I’m going to keep it, but I want nothing more than this right here. Last night, you stole pieces of me. I’ve never let anyone close enough to see my pieces, let alone steal them. But what terrifies me the most is that I don’t even want those pieces back.” He pressed his lips to mine. “They’re yours. To break, to ruin … to love.”
I pushed him to the ground and straddled him, making out on the throw rug beside his discarded belt and our half-finished coffees.
“I’m hungry,” he attempted to get out, his hands fondling my ass. “We’ve missed breakfast. It’s almost lunch.”
“Ugh, fine!” I pushed to my feet, watching him do the same.
He held firmly onto my elbow as he led me out to his car that afternoon. The sky was gray and the air whipped through the trees off the coast, making my teeth chatter. We were doing normal again. As I tried to mentally prepare myself for it, he drove, following the GPS on his phone. It felt odd to be out in the open after last night. There was an intense separation between the truth we created last night and the front we must put forth to have it.
“How do you do it?” I asked.
“Hmm?” He checked his phone and the busy street.
“How do you hide yourself from everyone else?”
“I don’t have a choice.” He put the Lexus in park. “You’ll figure it out, Miya. You were made for this world. Not for that one.” He nodded at the window front of the restaurant he was parked in front of, indicating the “normal” part of life we’d both never quite grasped. “It’s inevitable you master both.”
His confidence made it suddenly easier to breathe. The restaurant was a breakfast joint with black bears everywhere, even on the coffee mugs. Jaxon fit in instantly, with his simple clothing and his ability to slip below the radar. He was a predator in the open, slinking by enough prey to go unnoticed. Fortunately, our waiter was male, and wasn’t impressed by my master the way I had been the first time I saw him.
The restaurant wasn’t as full either, making it easier to breathe for me.
“Are you having fun on this getaway?” he asked, pouring sugar into his coffee after we’d placed our orders. “Did it do what we intended?”
I stared into my mug, and then glanced up timidly. “I forgive you.”
Across from me, I heard his deep sigh of relief. “Thank you.” Relief spread in his usual hard gaze.
The sight of him, black hair tousled, hard handsome face sincere, made my mouth pool with saliva. My hunger for him was insatiable. The depths it would take to have my fill, it would require far more than a few weeks, years, decades. I was struck suddenly by how much I wanted forever with him. I didn’t know what was inside of that forever, only that no one could create such life the way he’d managed to inside of me. My heart thundered, wanting to claw its way free of my chest and wrap itself around his. Only then would we know life and love.
It started to snow the moment we got our food. The steam of his omelet met the steam of my pancakes, wrapping around each other as the fine white powder fell from the sky.
I pressed my face to the glass. “I love the snow.” There was something beautiful about the snow, how white and pure it was, untouched by anything bad. It would turn to mud eventually, but for that second before it touched ground it was stunning.
It was the only good part of my childhood. No matter what family I got, it snowed every winter, like the snow was there to keep me company.
“We’ll go for a walk after we’re done. There’s a coffee shop down the street. Maybe we can get something hot to drink and take a walk down to the coast.”
I saw my smile in the reflection from the window, megawatt big. He laughed when I started shoving pancakes into my mouth. Taking the hint, he ate fast as well. He left
some bills on the table and grabbed his coat, holding it out for me.
“Thank you.” I met his gaze through the strands of my hair, pulling my arms through his sleeves.
“Wouldn’t want you to freeze. Who would I spank later?”
I sniffed. “Smart.”
“I like to think I am.”
I inhaled the cold air, stopping on the street to listen to the silence of the snowfall and the calm of the sky.
He took my hand and we stopped in the coffee shop, where he ordered two dark chocolate mint mochas.
It was the first time where I felt truly at peace with him in the normal part of the world, with my dark master. He could make me feel so many things. Some good, some bad, but the point wasn’t that I felt that way, the point was that I could.
I had never wanted to feel more than when he was spinning my emotions. In his dark hands, they made sense when they never had.
The snow fell across the churning waves on the beach, dusting the damp sand. The ice cut at our faces. Beauty was oftentimes painful to earn, but the pain was worth it when I studied his beautiful face as he stared out at the churning water, snow in his dark hair.
I lifted my face to the sky and opened my mouth, tasting the light as my hand clasped his, holding on to the darkness.
This wouldn’t be easy.
It wouldn’t be without pain.
But it would always be worth it.
21.
“Ready?”
I took a deep breath and brushed my fingers across the wooden door at the top of the second staircase that led to the attic. The moment we’d gotten home from the coast, he’d dragged me into his home and up both flights of stairs.
To see his chambers.
“Yes. Why the lock? You live alone.”
He stepped forward and stuck his key in the lock. “I had a housekeeper come in here on accident. The poor thing never even called to resign.”
Dark Master (Dark Masters Book 1) Page 19
