He asked her about the places she’d lived, and she answered him as straightforwardly as she could, trying not to let the resentment seep into her voice. Her answers were abridged, clipped.
Their meal arrived, and none too soon, as far as Erin was concerned.
* * *
Brand’s steak was delicious. As delicious as Erin had promised, cooked to perfection. He didn’t know what to make of Erin MacNamera, however. Hell, he didn’t know what to make of himself. She’d made her views on seeing him plain enough. He didn’t know what it was about her that affected him so strongly. The challenge, perhaps. There weren’t many women who turned him down flat the way she had.
The challenge was there, he’d admit that, but it was something else, too. Something he couldn’t quite put his finger on. Whatever it was, Erin was driving him crazy.
They’d agreed to meet outside her office building, and Brand had half expected her to stand him up. When she had shown, he’d noted regretfully that it wasn’t out of any desire to spend time with him. At first she’d been tense. They’d started talking, and she’d lowered her guard and been beginning to relax. Then he’d blown it by reminding her he was in the navy.
From that point on he might as well have been sitting across the table from a robot. He’d asked her something, and she’d answered him with one-word replies or by simply shrugging her shoulders. After a while he’d given up the effort. If she wanted conversation with her dinner, then she could damn well carry it on her own.
It didn’t come as any surprise to Brand that she was ready to leave the minute they finished. He collected the bill, left a generous tip and escorted Erin to the car.
“Are you parked at the same lot off Yesler?” he asked once they were in traffic.
“Yes. You can drop me off there, if you don’t mind.”
“I don’t.” Brand noted that she sounded downright eager to part company with him. This woman was definitely a detriment to his ego. Fine, he got the message. He wasn’t exactly sure why he’d even suggested this dinner date. As Erin had taken pains to remind him, he would be in Seattle only a couple of weeks. The implication being that he’d be out of her life forever then. Apparently that was exactly what she wanted.
In retrospect, Brand was willing to admit why he’d asked her out to dinner.
It was the kiss.
Her response, so tentative in the beginning, so hesitant and unsure, had thrown him for a loop. If Casey was ever to find out Brand had kissed his red-haired daughter, there would be hell to pay. The sure wrath of his friend hadn’t altered the fact Brand had wanted to kiss Erin. And kiss her he had, until his knees had been knocking and his heart had been roaring like a runaway train.
What had started out as a challenge had left him depleted and shaken. Numb with surprise and wonder. Erin had flowered in his arms like a rare tropical plant. She was incredibly sweet, and so soft that he’d been forced to use every ounce of restraint he possessed not to crush her in his arms.
This dinner date was a different story. She could hardly wait to get out of his car. Fine. He’d let her go, because frankly he wasn’t much into cultivating a relationship with a woman who clearly didn’t want to have anything to do with him.
He pulled off First Avenue onto the lot and left the engine running, hoping she’d get his message, as well.
Her hand was already closed around the door handle. “Thank you for dinner.”
“You’re welcome,” was his stiff reply. His tone bordered on the sarcastic, but if she noticed she didn’t comment.
“I’m sorry I was such poor company.”
He didn’t claim otherwise. She hesitated, and for a wild moment Brand thought she might lean over and gently kiss him goodbye. It would have been a nice gesture on her part.
She didn’t.
Instead she scooted out of the car, fiddled with the snap of her purse and retrieved her key chain, all while he sat waiting for her. When she’d opened the door to her Toyota, she twisted around and smiled sadly, as if she wanted to say something more. She didn’t, however. She just climbed inside resolutely.
Brand had to back up his car in order for her to pull out of the parking space. He did so with ease, reversing his way directly into the street. She came out after him and headed in the opposite direction.
His hand tightened around the steering wheel as she drove off into the night.
“Goodbye, Erin. We might have been friends,” he murmured, and regret settled over his shoulders like a heavy wool jacket.
Once he was back at his room in the officers’ quarters, Brand showered and climbed into bed. He read for a while, but the novel, which had been touted as excellent, didn’t hold his interest. After fifteen minutes, he turned out the light.
He should have kissed her.
The thought flashed through his mind like a shot from a ray gun.
Hell, no. It was apparent Erin didn’t want to have anything to do with him. Wonderful. Great. He was man enough to accept her decision.
Forcefully, he punched up the pillow under his head and closed his eyes.
Before he realized what he was doing, a slight smile curved his lips. She should count herself lucky he hadn’t taken it upon himself to prove her wrong and kiss her again. If he had, she would have been putty in his hands, just the way she had been the first time. Erin MacNamera might well have believed she had the situation under control, but she hadn’t. She’d been tense and uneasy, and for no other reason than the fear that Brand was going to take her in his arms again.
He should have. He’d wanted to. Until now he hadn’t been willing to admit how damn much he had longed to taste her again.
Brand rolled over onto his stomach and nuzzled his face into the thick softness of the pillow. Erin had been feather-soft. When she’d moved against him, her breasts had lightly cushioned his chest. The memory of her softness clouded his mind.
Burying his face in the pillow added fuel to his imagination, and he abruptly rolled over. He firmly shut his eyes and sighed as he started to drift off.
It didn’t work. Instead, he saw Erin’s sweet Irish face looking back at him.
Her eyes were an unusual shade of brown. Man-enticing brown, he decided. With her curly red hair and her pale, peach-smooth complexion, her eye color was something of a surprise. He’d expected blue or green, not dark brown.
Beautiful brown eyes…so readable, so clear, looking back at him, as if she were suffering from a wealth of regrets just before she’d climbed into her car.
Brand was suffering from a few regrets of his own. He hadn’t kissed her. Nor had he suggested they see each other again.
Damn his pride. He should have done something, anything, to persuade her. Now she was gone….
Sleep danced around him until he was on the verge of drifting off completely. Then his eyes snapped open, and a slow, satisfied smile turned up the edges of his mouth.
He knew exactly what he intended to do.
* * *
Erin remembered Marilyn Amundson from the first session of the Women in Transition course on Tuesday evening. The middle-aged woman with pain-dulled blue eyes and fashionably styled hair had sat at the back of the room, in the last row. Throughout most of the class, she’d kept her gaze lowered. Erin noted that the woman took copious notes as she outlined the sixteen-session course. Every now and again, the older woman would pause, dab a tissue at the corner of her eyes and visibly struggle to maintain her aplomb.
At nine, when class was dismissed, Marilyn had slowly gathered her things and hurried outside the classroom. Later Erin had seen a car stop in front of the college to pick her up.
It was Erin’s guess that Marilyn didn’t drive. It wasn’t unusual for the women who signed up for the course to have to rely on someone else for transportation.
Most of the women were making a new life for themselves. Some came devastated by divorce, others from the death of a loved one. Whatever the reason, they all shared common ground and had come to
learn and help each other. When the sessions were finished, the classes continued to meet as a monthly support group.
The greatest rewards Erin had had as a social worker were from the Women in Transition course. The transformation she’d seen in the participants’ lives in the short two months she taught the class reminded her of the metamorphosis of a cocoon into a butterfly.
The first few classes were always the most difficult. The women came feeling empty inside, fearful, tormented by the thought of facing an unknown future. Many were angry, some came guilt-ridden, and there were always a few who were restless, despairing and pessimistic.
What a good portion of those who signed up for the course didn’t understand when they first arrived was how balanced life was. Whenever there was a loss, the stage was set for something to be gained. A new day was born, the night was lost. A flower blossomed, the bud was lost. In nature and in all aspects of life an advantage could be found in a loss. A balance, oftentimes not one easily explained or understood, but a symmetry nevertheless, was waiting to be discovered and explored. It was Erin’s privilege to teach these women to look for the gain.
“I was wondering if I could talk to you?”
Erin paused. “Of course. You’re Marilyn Amundson?”
“Yes.” The older woman reached for a tissue and ran it beneath her nose. Her fingers were trembling, and it was several moments before she spoke. “I can’t seem to stop crying. I sit in class and all I do is cry…. I want to apologize for that.”
“You don’t need to. I understand.”
Marilyn smiled weakly. “Some of the other women in class look so…like they’ve got it all together, while I’m a basket case. My husband…” She paused when her voice faltered. “He asked me for a divorce two weeks ago. We’ve been married over thirty years. Apparently he met someone else five or six years ago, and they’ve been seeing each other ever since…only I didn’t know.”
This was a story Erin had heard several times over, but it wouldn’t lessen Marilyn’s pain for Erin to imply that she was another statistic. What she did need to hear was that others had survived this ordeal, and so would she.
“I’d…gone out shopping. The bus stops right outside our house, and when I returned home, Richard was there. I knew right away something was wrong. Richard only rarely wears his suit. I asked him what he was doing home in the middle of the day, and all he could do was stand there and stare at me. Then…then he said he was sorry to do it this way, and he handed me the divorce papers. Just like that—without any warning. I didn’t know about the other woman…. I suppose I should have, but I…I trusted him.”
Erin’s heart twisted at the torment that echoed in the other woman’s voice. Marilyn struggled to hold back the tears, her lips quivering with the effort.
“Although this may feel like the worst moment of your life, you will survive,” Erin said gently, hugging her briefly. “I promise you that. The healing process is like everything else, there’s a beginning, a middle and an end. It feels like the whole world has caved in on you now.”
“That’s exactly the way I feel. Richard is my whole life…was my whole life. I just don’t know what I’m going to do.”
“Have you seen an attorney?”
Marilyn shook her head. “Not yet…My pastor suggested I take this course, and find my footing, so to speak.”
“In session twelve a lawyer will visit the class. You can ask any questions you like then.”
“I wanted to thank you, too,” Marilyn went on, once she’d composed herself. “What you said about the balance of things, how nature and life even things out…well, it made a lot of sense to me. Few things do these days.”
Erin reached for her coat, slipping her arms into the satin-lined sleeves. She smiled, hoping the gesture would offer Marilyn some reassurance. “I’m pleased you’re finding the class helpful.”
“I don’t think I could have made it through this last week without it.” She retreated a few steps and smiled again. This time it came across stronger.
“Thank you again.”
“You’re welcome. I’ll see you Tuesday.”
“I’ll be here.” Buttoning up her own coat, Marilyn headed out the classroom door.
Erin watched the older woman. Her heart ached for Marilyn, but, although she was devastated and shaky now, Erin saw in her a deep inner strength. Marilyn hadn’t realized it was there, not yet. Soon she would discover it and draw upon the deep pool of courage. For now her thoughts were full of self-condemnation, self-deprecation and worry. From experience, Erin knew Marilyn would wallow in those for a while, but the time would come when she’d pick herself up by the bootstraps. Then that inner strength, the grit she saw in the other woman’s weary eyes, would come alive.
As if sensing Erin’s thoughts, Marilyn paused at the classroom door and turned back. “Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?”
“Sure, go ahead.”
“Have you ever been in love?”
“No,” Erin answered, regretfully. “Not even close, I’m afraid.”
Marilyn nodded, then squared her shoulders. “Don’t ever let it happen,” she advised gruffly, yet softly. “It hurts too damn much.”
Chapter Three
The envelope arrived at Erin’s office, hand-delivered by the downstairs receptionist. Erin stared at her name scrawled across the front and knew beyond a doubt the handwriting belonged to Brand Davis. She held the plain white envelope in her hand several moments, her heart pounding. It’d been two days since her dinner date with Brand, and she hadn’t been able to stop thinking about him. She’d been so awful, so aloof and unfriendly, when he’d been trying so hard to be cordial and helpful.
When he’d dropped her off where she’d parked her car, she’d practically leaped out of his in her eagerness to get away from him. Exactly what had he done that was so terrible? Well, first off, he’d been pleasant and fun—horrible crimes, indeed—while she’d behaved like a cantankerous old biddy. She wasn’t proud of herself; in fact, Erin felt wretched about the whole thing.
“Go ahead and open it,” she said aloud.
“You talking to yourself again?” Aimee chastised. “You generally don’t do that until the end of the day.”
“Brand sent me a note.” She held it up for her friend’s inspection as though she were holding on to a hand grenade and expected it to explode in her face at any moment.
“I thought the receptionist looked envious. He’s probably downstairs waiting for you right now.”
“Ah…” That thought didn’t bear contemplating.
“For heaven’s sake,” Aimee said eagerly, “don’t just sit there, open it.”
Erin did, with an enthusiasm she didn’t dare question. Her gaze scanned the short message before she looked up to her friend. “He wants to give me a tour of Sand Point before the opportunity is gone. You know there’s a distinct possibility the navy may close down the base. He says I should have a look at it for nostalgia’s sake.”
“When?”
“Tomorrow…You’re right, he’s downstairs waiting for my answer.”
“Are you going to do it?” Aimee’s question hung in mid-air like a dangling spider.
Erin didn’t know. Then she did know. Longing welled deep within her, not a physical longing, but an emotional stirring that left her feeling empty inside. She didn’t want to have anything to do with this lieutenant j.g., didn’t want to be trapped in the whirlpool of his strong, sensual appeal. Nevertheless, she had been from the first moment they’d kissed, despite her best efforts.
He paralyzed her; he challenged her. He was everything she claimed she didn’t want in a man, and everything she’d ever hope to find.
“Well?” Aimee probed. “What are you going to do?”
“I…I’m going to take that tour.”
Aimee let lose with a loud cheer that attracted the attention of nearly everyone in the huge open room. Several people stuck their heads out from behind office doors to d
iscover what was causing all the excitement.
Shaking on the inside, but outwardly composed, Erin took the elevator to the ground floor. Brand was waiting in the foyer. He had his back to her and was standing in front of the directory. He wore his dress uniform, and his hands were joined behind his back, holding his garrison cap.
He must have sensed her presence, because he turned around.
“Hello,” she said, her heart as heavy as the humid air of the rainy Seattle morning.
“Hi,” he responded, his own voice low and throaty.
She dropped her gaze, unexpectedly nervous. “I got your note.”
“You look surprised to hear from me.”
“After the way I behaved the other night, I didn’t expect to…I can’t understand why you want anything to do with me.”
“You weren’t so bad.” His lazy grin took a long time coming, but when it did it contradicted every word he’d spoken.
She found his smile infectious and doubted any woman could resist this man when he put his mind to it—and his mind was definitely to it!
“Are you free tomorrow?”
“And if I said I wasn’t?” She answered him with a question of her own, thinking that was safer than admitting how pleased she was to see him.
“I’d ask you out again later.”
“Why?” Erin couldn’t understand why he’d continue to risk rejection from her. Especially when she was quite ordinary. Erin wasn’t selling herself short. She was a warm, generous person, but she hadn’t been with him. Yet he’d returned twice now, enduring her disdain, and she had yet to understand why.
Gradually she raised her eyes to his. And what she viewed confused her even more. Brand was thinking and feeling the same things she was, the same bewilderment, the same confusion. The same everything.
The smile faded, and his face tightened slightly, as if this were a question he’d often asked himself. “Why do I keep coming back?” He leveled his gaze on her. “I wish the hell I knew. Will you come to Sand Point tomorrow?”
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