“It’s what he said on the card—that he loves me.”
“I understand that part, too, only I seem to be missing some key link.”
Hannah’s eyes filled with fresh tears. “I love him so much and…and he’s never told me he loves me. Not even once—and then he has to do it in a stupid card when I can’t be there to look in his eyes.”
“Ah,” Cheryl murmured after a significant pause. “So you doubt he truly loves you?”
“Not really. It’s just that he’s been too stubborn to realize it. I knew he would in time…. It’s just that I wanted to be there when he finally got around to admitting it.”
“Ah.” The light was dawning in Cheryl’s expressive eyes.
“You know what he is? A coward,” Hannah answered her own question, without giving Cheryl the opportunity. “Riley Murdock is a living, breathing coward. If word got out what a…”
“Coward,” Cheryl supplied.
“Right. If the Navy knew what I do about him, they’d ask for his resignation.” She looked to Steve’s wife for confirmation and was disappointed.
“I don’t agree.”
“Come on, Cheryl. You can’t join my pity party if you’re going to be obstinate about everything.”
Her friend’s face broke into a wide smile. “Anyone with one good eye would know how Riley feels about you. The man’s so bewitched it isn’t even funny.”
Hannah felt herself go all soft. “Do you really think so?”
“Hannah,” Cheryl said, her eyes brightening as she spoke. “If I hadn’t seen it for myself, I would never have believed it. The man’s crazy about you. He loves you so much it’s eating him alive.”
“But he’s never said so.”
“I doubt that he knows how.”
“Really?” To Hannah’s way of thinking, it would have been a simple matter for him to tell her. She’d told him often enough during the last days before he left for sea duty. Oftentimes she’d been left to wonder. The only time they’d made love was the night of the baby shower. It had been so beautiful, so perfect. Just thinking about the tender way in which her husband had made love to her filled Hannah’s eyes with fresh tears.
Her disappointment had been keen when he didn’t make love to her again before his departure. She knew he was worried about leaving her, worried about the baby being born while he was at sea. Hannah doubted he’d slept two winks that last night. He’d held on to her tightly until dawn. She’d woken once to find his hand softly rubbing her stomach. Hannah had wanted to assure him that she and Sam would be fine, but in the end he was the one offering promises before coaxing her back to sleep.
“Give Riley time,” Cheryl advised softly. “I’ve seen so many changes in him since you’ve come into his life, and I’m beginning to think we’ve only viewed the tip of the iceberg.”
Gradually, after listening to her friend, Hannah agreed. Her marriage was in its infancy; the best was yet to come.
* * *
“It won’t be long now,” Hannah whispered to the sleeping infant tucked securely in her arms. Her gaze rested lovingly on her five-week-old son as she held him tightly against her, blocking out the April wind. Within a few minutes, her husband would view his son and see for himself the thick thatch of brown hair and high, smooth brow that was all Riley. The dimple on Samuel’s chin wasn’t as pronounced now as it had been the first couple of weeks following his birth. Their son was perfect, beautiful. If some doubted Riley was Samuel’s father, all they’d need do was to look into her son’s deep blue eyes and note the strong, dominant chin to be reassured.
As before, the wharf was crowded with the wives and children of the members of the Atlantis crew. Hannah had heard plenty of grumbling among the wives. Cheryl and Hannah had muttered their own fair share. The nuclear submarine was docking nearly two weeks later than the wives had been told to anticipate.
The last sixty minutes felt like sixty years to Hannah. And the days before had merged together—day into day, lonely night into lonely night. If Samuel hadn’t demanded nearly every minute of every day, and half of the nights, Hannah swore she would have gone crazy with anticipation.
As before, she’d helped to pass the interminable waiting by preparing every detail of Riley’s return—from the candlelight dinner of Riley’s favorite meal, chicken enchiladas, to the new pale pink silk gown she intended on wearing to bed that very night. Only this time she didn’t need any encouragement from Cheryl to purchase the frothy bit of lingerie. She’d gone down to the Kitsap Mall and bought it all on her own. She might have a long way to go before she could ever be termed a seductress, but Hannah was determined to learn.
The first men disembarked the Atlantis, and Hannah heaved a grateful sigh of thanksgiving. “It won’t be long now,” she whispered into her son’s ear. “Daddy’s coming.”
Cheryl was standing on the tips of her toes. “I see Steve.”
“Is Riley close?” Hannah asked, hating the fact she wasn’t five inches taller and able to see for herself.
“Not yet…Oh, wait, he’s in front of Steve, scooting past everyone, making a nuisance of himself. My goodness, that man is determined to create enemies.”
“Cheryl, please, don’t tease.”
“Who’s teasing? One would think he was in a hurry to see his wife and son.”
Hannah saw Riley just then, and it was as if the earth came to a sudden, abrupt standstill. The entire world seemed to tip on its axis as though awaiting the outcome of their reunion.
“Riley!” she shouted, raising her hand and waving like a crazy woman. She wasn’t the only woman behaving out of character. There was something about these reunions that did that to a Navy wife.
She edged her way past a couple of women and met Riley halfway. He stopped brusquely in front of her, his eyes drinking in the sight of her as his duffel bag slipped from his hands and fell to the pier.
She smiled up at him, but her vision blurred when her eyes filled with tears of profound happiness. After all the trouble she’d gone through with her makeup, she struggled to keep them at bay, not wanting to ruin the effect.
His hand found her face, gently cupping her cheek. His touch rippled through her like an electric shock as his thumb caught the single tear.
“You’re more beautiful than I remember.”
“Oh, Riley.”
Being careful of the baby, Riley wrapped her in his arms and buried his face in the curve of her neck, breathing in deeply as if the scent of her were the only thing in the world that would revive him.
He kissed her then, his mouth desperate but tender. Their lips clung as the tears spilled down Hannah’s wind-chapped cheeks.
“Oh, Lord, Hannah,” he growled, his arms circling her and dragging her as close as they could with the slumbering child between them. “I love you so damned much. I love you.” He chanted the words as if they’d been burning on his lips, in his heart and mind, ready to be shared for far too long.
He searched for her mouth and worshiped her in a kiss that left Hannah trembling and shaken. His tongue sought hers, firing to life a need so strong it burst like fire inside her. “Riley…you make me forget the baby.”
He raised his eyes to her as though he’d forgotten for the moment that their son was between them. Slowly he lowered his gaze to Samuel.
All her life Hannah would cherish the look of wonder and love that came into her husband’s eyes.
“Riley,” she said softly, “meet your son. Samuel, this is your daddy.”
Chapter Fourteen
“Hannah?” Riley called to his wife, certain the infant in his arms was about to wake and cry. His heart thundered with dread at the possibility.
“Yes?” She stuck her head out from the kitchen. He didn’t know what she was cooking, but he hadn’t smelled anything so delicious in months. She’d banished him to the living room, claiming dinner was a surprise. Everything about Hannah was incredible. He’d been struck by her beauty many times, but never more profou
ndly than now. It took him several minutes to realize the marked difference. In the process of having Sam, she’d made the passage into womanhood. There was a maturity in her beauty, a radiance and freshness that awed him.
She was reed slim, her waist as narrow and trim as the night they’d met. And her hair was longer now, reaching halfway down her back. Watching her as she walked caused his fingers to ache with the need of her. It was too soon after the baby’s birth, he realized, to consider making love. Riley was almost relieved. He released a jagged sigh. Many a lonely night, he’d fallen asleep remembering how remarkably good the loving had been between them. A hundred or more times he’d cursed himself for wasting the last precious days they’d spent together. He’d wanted her with a desperation that was with him still. Yet he held back, convinced he was doing the right thing.
“Sam’s awake,” Riley murmured. After all the torturous days of waiting for this moment to hold his son in his arms, Riley felt terrified. Eight pounds had sounded large for a baby, but the tiny being in his arms seemed incredibly…tiny. Riley was almost afraid to breathe for fear of disrupting him.
“He won’t break,” Hannah explained softly, walking into the living room, “I promise you. Relax. You’re as stiff as cardboard.”
A second sigh quivered through Riley’s chest. Samuel stared up at him and cooed softly, seeming to enjoy his father’s discomfort.
“He’s not nearly as frightening as he looks,” Hannah teased on her way back into the kitchen.
Riley didn’t know how she could be so calm about it. To the best of his knowledge he’d never held a baby in his life. It seemed to him that one should ease into this heavy responsibility. Riley, however, had been given little option. The minute they arrived home, Hannah had donned an apron and thrust Samuel into his arms and suggested the two become acquainted while she put the finishing touches on dinner.
Samuel stirred, wide-awake now. He gazed up at Riley with huge, quizzical eyes that were the precise color of his own, Riley realized, feeling inordinately proud. A warmth took root in his heart unlike anything he’d ever experienced. His heart full, Riley bent down and gently kissed Samuel’s brow.
Doing his best to relax, Riley eased his back against the recliner. Only a few months before, he’d lived his life independent of others, free to do as he wished. If he wanted to party away the night and stagger home drunker than a skunk, he’d done so without a qualm. He’d answered only to himself. His life had been his own, free of entanglements.
All that had changed from the minute he’d met Hannah. He’d married her for reasons he had yet to grasp fully. Because of the sins of the past. Because it had been the right thing to do. For her. For his future with the Navy. For his son.
He’d said his vows before the chaplain, never realizing he was bound by far more than a few spoken words. Hannah, and now Samuel, had sunk tender hooks into his heart, and he would never be the same man again.
Gently lifting Samuel in his arms, Riley awkwardly placed his son over his shoulder and patted the impossibly small back.
This was his son. The fruit of his desire for a beautiful woman who had come to him in grief and pain—only Riley had been so absorbed by her beauty and her purity that he hadn’t noticed. It came to him that he should plead for Hannah’s forgiveness for his lack of insight. By all that was right, he should set her free to marry the kind of man she deserved—someone like Jerry Sanders. While Hannah fussed in the kitchen, Riley tried to imagine what his life would be like without her now. His thoughts grew heavy and dark as his mind froze with dread and fear of an empty life without his wife and son.
He’d found contentment with Hannah. And love. God help him from being weak and greedy, but he needed her.
Hannah returned to the room, paused and smiled lovingly when she viewed them. “Much better. You look almost comfortable.”
Riley frowned. “Why do I get the impression you’re enjoying this?”
Her smile deepened. “Because I am. Did you count his fingers and toes?”
“No. Should I?” It hadn’t entered Riley’s mind that there might be an abnormality.
“No.” She laughed at his distress. “Honestly, I had no idea you’d be such a fretful father. When they brought Sam to me the first time, I held him in my arms and peeled open the blanket just to be sure. I thought you might feel the same compulsion to check everything about him.”
Riley shook his head. “I haven’t gotten over the fear of holding him yet. Next time around, I’ll think about peeking under the blanket.”
“Dinner’s almost ready,” she told him, taking Samuel out of his arms. She disappeared for a moment and returned with a fresh diaper. Placing Samuel inside the bassinet, she laid open his blanket. The ease with which she changed the infant’s diaper astonished Riley. He supposed that in time, he’d work his way up to that, as well.
“I’ll feed Sam first,” Hannah explained, gently lifting him into her arms, “then put him down to sleep. Hopefully we can have an uninterrupted meal.”
She settled in the rocking chair and, mesmerized, Riley watched as she pulled up her blouse, released her bra and pressed her extended nipple into his son’s mouth. With an eagerness Riley could appreciate, Sam latched on to the nipple and sucked greedily. Tiny white bubbles appeared at the corners of his mouth.
“Does it hurt…you know?” Riley asked self-consciously. “Nursing?”
Hannah tottered gently in the padded rocker. “It felt strange at first, a little uncomfortable. But gradually we learned to work together. We’ve gotten to be real handy at this, haven’t we, Sam?” Using her index finger, she brushed a wisp of dark hair from their son’s brow.
“What about labor?” It was a question that had stayed fixed in his mind for over a month. The thought of Hannah in pain did funny things to Riley’s heart. He’d hated not being with her and had often dwelled on what it had cost her to bring Sam into the world. Each time he contemplated her labor, he suffered a multitude of worries. A part of him—a damn small part of him—was grateful he hadn’t been with her, fearing he would have been more of a hindrance than a help.
“Labor was the most difficult thing I’ve ever done,” she answered after a few silent moments. “It wouldn’t be fair to play it down. I honestly thought I was prepared. Cheryl and I attended every birthing class. I had the breathing down to an art form and faithfully exercised every day, but when the time came it seemed impossible to focus my attention on anything but the pain.”
Riley noted that her eyes dulled at the memory; then she looked up and it vanished under the radiance of her smile. Riley wasn’t sure he’d ever seen anything like what he saw in Hannah. It was as though the curtain to her soul had been drawn open and he’d been granted a rare privilege. In those few fleeting moments, Riley caught a glimpse of the core of goodness and gentleness of this woman who had so thoroughly captured his heart.
“Then Samuel was born, and Riley…I can’t even begin to explain how beautiful the experience was. He was squalling like an angry calf. Then Cheryl started crying and so did I, but not from pain. I felt so incredibly happy. I just couldn’t hold it inside me any longer. It was a contest to see which one of us could cry the loudest. I can just imagine what Dr. Underwood thought.”
“I wish I’d been with you.” It hurt to know his best friend’s wife had shared these moments with Hannah instead of him.
The sweetest smile touched her eyes. “I know. Next time we’ll try to plan the pregnancy so you can be with me.”
Next time. Riley’s heart came to a sudden standstill. He stood and walked over to the window, staring blindly at the street in front of their home. That Hannah would be willing to bear him another child, after everything she’d endured, wreaked havoc with his mind and his senses.
Considering her health, considering the pain she’d suffered delivering Sam, Riley found it incredible she’d even consider the possibility. As far as he was concerned, one pregnancy was enough. He didn’t know if his heart
could withstand another.
Dinner was as delicious as the spicy aroma coming from the kitchen had promised. Riley enjoyed these uninterrupted moments with his wife, answering her questions, asking his own. It would forever remain one of the great mysteries of his life that someone like Hannah could be married to him, Riley mused as he stood an hour later, wanting to help her with the dishes.
He couldn’t stop studying Hannah, noting once more the subtle changes he found in her—the fullness of her beauty, the radiance of her goodness, the love for their son that shone so brilliantly in her dove-gray eyes each time she mentioned him.
As hard as he tried to turn his mind to other matters, it was difficult to forget the kisses they’d shared on Delta Pier. Her lips had been soft and sweet and so damn tempting. Even now, hours later, he had to regulate his breathing in order to restrain the mounting desire building within him. He felt the raw, hungry need eating away at him, and repeatedly cursed himself for his weakness.
Hannah set the last of their dishes in the dishwasher, then turned her back to the kitchen counter, her hands braced against the edge. Her elbows weren’t the only part of her anatomy that was extended. Riley’s stomach pitched unevenly at the way her pear-shaped breasts captured his attention. It was improbable, unlikely, but they seemed to be pouting, demanding his attention It was all he could do to look elsewhere. Yet again and again, he found his eyes drawn back to her front.
“Did you really miss me?” she asked him softly.
“You know I did,” he answered gruffly, reaching for the dishrag so he could wipe off the stove. That was his first mistake in a series he was doomed to commit if he didn’t do something quick. As he extended his arm, his forearm inadvertently brushed against a hardening nipple. His breath caught in his throat. Riley felt as though he’d scorched his arm. He froze, his mission forgotten.
“You haven’t kissed me since we arrived home,” she whispered.
“I haven’t?” Riley was more aware of it than she knew.
“No. Don’t you think we should make up for lost time?”
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