by Susan Lewis
Before Nikki could take it Harry grabbed it. ‘That’s Freddy!’ he declared. ‘He’s really cool, Nik. I think you should marry him.’
Charlie’s eyes were brimful of laughter, but as they met Jessica’s she couldn’t help noticing how they sobered again. Was her expression unwelcoming, she wondered, or had the pain stolen into her eyes without her realising? He hated to see it because it reminded him of his own, and though she had not a moment’s doubt about how much he was suffering, he was becoming quite practised now at avoiding it. In fact, they almost never talked about what had happened, at least not in a direct sense, and it sometimes scared her to think of the grief he had bottled up inside, for he had still barely allowed any of it to come out.
‘Hi, honey, I’m home,’ he drawled, in a bad American accent.
‘Cue the gin and tonic,’ she replied, rolling her eyes.
‘Don’t forget the pipe and slippers,’ he reminded her, as Harry darted to the fridge to dispense some ice.
‘If you really smoked a pipe I’d leave home,’ Nikki told him. ‘I think they’re revolting.’
Charlie was opening the drinks cupboard as Jessica filled a bowl with nuts. ‘It’s time you left home anyway,’ he told Nikki. ‘You’re eighteen next month, and I can’t afford you any more.’
‘Take no notice of him,’ Jessica said, unable to tolerate even a joke about Nikki going.
‘Mum, what am I going to do about this picture?’ Nikki wailed, her lovely gamine features drawn and desperate. ‘If Freddy knows Dad took it for me . . . Oh God, I can’t bear it. I mean, I am like so not interested in him . . .’
‘Oh yes you are,’ Harry informed her, plonking a bowl of ice down next to his father. ‘I heard you telling Sonya the other day how fit you think he is . . .’
‘You little devil, you’ve been eavesdropping again!’ Nikki cried, advancing on him.
‘I was not,’ he shrieked, running round the table. ‘Your bedroom door was open, so I couldn’t help hearing. Mum! Mum! Get her off, she’s going to kill me and I can’t help it if she’s in love with Freddy Crossland, can I?’
As he dashed out into the garden with Nikki hard on his heels, Jessica took the drink Charlie was passing her, saying, ‘Well, what do you know? She seems to be speaking to me again.’
Charlie smiled and touched his glass to hers. After they’d both taken a sip he said, ‘She’s in the throes of first love. Remember what that feels like?’
‘Mm, I think so,’ Jessica responded, looking at him.
To her dismay his eyes moved away, showing again his reluctance to engage with her, so going to put her arms around him she said, ‘Don’t I get a kiss?’
As his mouth came to hers she was aware of how tense he was, but he didn’t try to pull away, nor did he protest when she tightened her embrace, he merely held her and kissed her until she broke away.
‘So is Freddy interested in her?’ she asked, turning to watch Nikki rolling Harry about on the grass.
‘When she bends over in front of him like that, exposing a pink lacy thong and all that ripe young flesh,’ Charlie answered, ‘I think it would be hard for him not to be.’
‘So you decided to help things along?’
‘Let’s just say Isensed he was having a bit of a problem with me being her father, so I thought I’d set him straight. I took the picture, told him she’d asked me to, and now he knows I’m cool with it he’ll probably get round to asking her out.’
‘Subtlety was never your strong point,’ she commented, turning aside to check the chicken she had slowly poaching on the hob. ‘Anyway, I thought you were at your own office today, not the studio.’
‘I was, I just popped across the road to pick up Nikki when we’d finished.’ Then, eyeing her critically as she bent over to put a bowl in the dishwasher, he said, ‘Have you lost more weight?’
‘I don’t know,’ she said, straightening up. ‘Do I look as though I have?’
He shrugged, and took another sip of his drink. ‘Incidentally, I ran into Pru Janssen outside. She invited us over for supper tonight, if we want to go. Just a few of the gang. Impromptu, dead casual.’
Jessica turned to him in surprise. ‘I thought you wanted to have dinner as a family,’ she said. ‘I’ve started preparing it now.’
‘It’s OK. I told her we probably weren’t free,’ he replied. ‘It was just if you didn’t feel like cooking . . .’
‘Do you want to go?’ she said, feeling herself starting to tense.
‘No. I’m just saying . . .’
‘If you want to go, I’ll happily eat with the children.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous. Of course I don’t want to go without you.’
‘But you do want to go.’
‘Just leave it, Jessica. We’re having dinner as a family and that’s fine. God knows we get little enough opportunity, with my schedule and the children’s social lives.’
Jessica was shaking her head in confusion. ‘I’m sorry, but am I missing something here? It was your idea. You asked me earlier . . .’
‘Mum!’ Harry shouted, racing in the door. ‘She’s confessed. She really, really likes him and she wants to snog him, you know, like they’re going to eat each other all up, the way you and Dad do . . .’
‘I’ve got to be out of my mind ever to tell you anything,’ Nikki declared, coming in behind him. ‘You are totally incapable of keeping a secret.’
‘I know,’ he answered cheerily.
Nikki’s smile suddenly drained as her eyes moved from her mother to her father and back again. Then grabbing her phone from the table she stalked past them, heading for the stairs.
‘Nikki, what’s the matter? Where are you going?’ Jessica demanded.
‘It’s you!’ Nikki cried, spinning round. ‘You think I’m stupid, don’t you? Well, I know what’s going on here. You can’t hide it from me, so you’re wasting your time trying.’
‘Darling, don’t talk to your mother like that,’ Charlie said. ‘No-one’s trying to hide anything from you . . .’
‘She is!’ Nikki shouted, pointing at Jessica. ‘She thinks I don’t know what’s going on in her head, well you’re wrong, Mummy dearest, because I do. You’re planning to go back to work, aren’t you?’
Jessica’s eyes darted to Charlie.
‘I didn’t say anything,’ he assured her.
‘He didn’t have to. It’s all over the studios, and now you’re blaming him because they don’t want to give you a job. Well, it’s not his fault. It was your decision to give up your own programme, and now you’re trying to push your way into his and you shouldn’t be doing it, because we all know what happened the last time you were working. Don’t we?’
As Jessica’s face paled, Nikki pounded up the stairs, leaving a stunned silence behind her. Jessica started after her, but Charlie pulled her back.
‘I’ll go,’ he said. ‘She’s obviously got hold of the wrong end of the stick, so it’s for me to straighten her out.’
Still shaken by the outburst Jessica stood aside, then seeing Harry’s bewildered expression she put on a smile and went to fold him in her arms. ‘It’s all right,’ she soothed, as he hugged her back. ‘Nikki’s just a bit overwrought. Like Dad said, she’s misunderstood something . . .’
‘Yes, she always does that,’ Harry said, clearly wanting to cheer his mother up. ‘You mustn’t take any notice when she gets angry. It’s probably the time of the month.’
Jessica had to laugh. ‘Who on earth told you about that?’ she asked, tilting him back to look into his cheeky face.
‘You did,’ he reminded her. ‘Remember the little chat you had with Natalie, before, well,’ a flush spread under his freckles, ‘you know before . . . You let me join in too, remember, even though I’m a boy, because you said it was important for me to know about girls.’
As a lump formed in Jessica’s throat she said, ‘You’re right, I’d forgotten about that.’
‘So what I want to know,’ Har
ry said, ‘is if I can have a time of the month too.’
Again Jessica laughed. ‘You, my darling,’ she told him, ‘can have anything you like.’
‘Oh cool! Can I make a list?’
‘As long as it only covers one sheet of paper.’
In a flash he was back at the table, and as he opened up his A3 drawing pad Jessica stood smiling down at him, watching him write as fast as his clumsy little fist would allow. She was barely registering the words, however, for her mind was still full of Nikki’s outburst, and the shock of finding out that her job application had been turned down. She hadn’t mentioned it to Nikki, because she’d judged it wiser to break it to her once she knew what she’d be doing. That way she’d be in a much better position to calm Nikki’s fears, and reassure her that no matter what her commitments, Nikki and Harry would always come first.
Well, there didn’t seem to be an issue now, did there, at least not of the kind she’d expected. She put a hand to her head and pressed her temples. It had never even occurred to her that the news channel would turn her down, not only because of Charlie, but because Melissa Kingsley, the executive editor, was a close friend of theirs who’d frequently said what a great asset she’d be to their schedule. So what had changed? It was true she hadn’t offered herself up as an on-screen presenter, which was what she was known for, but her skills as a producer and interviewer would be just as valuable behind the scenes, so she couldn’t think why Melissa had taken a negative decision. More to the point, at least right now, was the fact that if Nikki knew she’d been turned down for the job then surely Charlie must have known too, so why was she finding out like this?
Chapter Two
‘I DON’T KNOW what else to say, except I’m sorry,’ Charlie told her later.
By then dinner was over and Nikki had gone to take a shower, while Harry was revising for a spelling test the next day. ‘I didn’t expect it to come out like that, obviously,’ he continued. ‘Christ, it didn’t even enter my head that people would talk about it . . .’
‘How did they even know?’ Jessica demanded, embarrassment heating her anger. ‘Whatever happened to confidentiality?’
His eyes sharpened as he looked at her. ‘I hope you’re not accusing me . . .’
‘Don’t be ridiculous, but someone must have told them, and as Melissa was the only one I spoke to . . .’
‘She’s not a gossip and you know it.’
‘All I know is that she led me to believe there was a job waiting for me any time I wanted one, so I asked if she’d consider me as a producer, or even a researcher, something low key and not on camera, and as far as possible, not on the same shift as you. I have to get out of this house, Charlie. I’m driving myself crazy, sitting here thinking and hurting and longing for her in ways I can hardly even begin to describe.’
His face immediately paled, the way it always did when any mention was made of Natalie. ‘I know, and I understand,’ he said, ‘which is why you’ve got my full backing . . .’
‘Really?’ she challenged. ‘Because frankly I don’t think you want me to go back to work any more than Nikki does. In fact, you probably blame me too, for putting my job before Natalie.’
At that he jerked up from the table and stormed over to tear open the fridge. ‘I’m not going there again,’ he growled angrily. ‘No-one blames you . . .’
‘You know damned well Nikki does.’
‘Because you put it into her head. You’ve got to stop this, Jessica. You’re punishing yourself for something you had no control over . . .’
‘But if I hadn’t put my job first she’d still be here . . .’
‘And now you want to work again,’ he cried, throwing out his hands.
‘You see, you do want me to stay at home.’
‘No, I just don’t understand your reasoning. You keep reminding me of how it’s too late for Natalie, but there’s still Harry. He needs you too.’
‘Which is why I asked Melissa for something undemanding and flexible, something I could even do from home if need be.’
‘What about your own programme? I’m sure Derek would give you a job producing, instead of presenting, if you asked.’
‘How many times do I have to tell you, I can’t go back to how it was before,’ she exclaimed. ‘It would be as though nothing had happened, and though you might be able to carry on like that, I can’t. Besides, it wouldn’t be fair to Felicity. She’s done a fantastic job stepping into my shoes. It’d make her uncomfortable to have me around and she doesn’t deserve that.’
Charlie took a deep breath, and bringing the wine back to the table he refilled both their glasses. ‘There are other options,’ he reminded her, sitting down again. ‘I know the radio show’s off the air until October, but there are still reviews you can write . . .’
‘I don’t need you to tell me what my options are,’ she snapped. ‘I just thought the news would work, since Melissa offered . . . Anyway, I clearly thought wrong, so let’s forget it.’
‘I can have a word with her,’ he said. ‘If that’s what you want.’
‘Oh, for heaven’s sake, I don’t want a job because you forced someone to hire me.’
Sighing, he sat back in his chair and stared at her in something close to helplessness. After a while he said, ‘Am I allowed to change the subject?’
‘Of course,’ she replied, more stiffly than she’d intended.
‘Actually, I’m not sure this is going to do much to improve your mood, but I had a call today from someone called Rufus Keane.’
She looked at him blankly. ‘Am I supposed to know him?’
‘Not necessarily, though it’s you he’s trying to get hold of. Apparently he’s a friend of your mother’s. He wanted to know if we’ve heard from her lately.’
At the mention of her mother the light vanished from Jessica’s eyes. ‘So what did you tell him?’ she asked.
He shrugged. ‘The truth, as far as I know it, that we haven’t had any contact with her for at least two months, so we’ve no idea where she might be.’
Jessica looked away. ‘You could have added that we don’t even care where she is, but we hope she’s rotting in hell.’
Charlie took a breath.
‘OK, conversation over,’ she snapped, before he could go any further, and jumping up she started to clear the table.
Though he kept his silence, he knew very well there was more to come, and it didn’t take long. ‘My mother is hiding something about what happened that day and you know it!’ she suddenly shouted. ‘She says Natalie fell down the stairs . . .’
Struggling to hold onto his temper he said, ‘All the findings are consistent with that . . .’
‘But Natalie called me, seconds before it happened . . .’
‘You only think it was seconds. You weren’t there . . .’
‘I heard her fall, for Christ’s sake . . .’
His face was chalk-white now. ‘Jessica, please stop torturing yourself like this. Your mother might have been a hopeless parent, but you know she was trying to make it up with her grandchildren. She cared about them . . .’
‘Don’t defend her to me. Something’s not adding up about that fall and you know it.’
‘No, I don’t. It’s only you who thinks so . . .’
‘No! You do too!’ she shouted. ‘You just won’t admit it.’
‘That’s absurd,’ he cried. ‘Of course I accept what she’s saying, and everything in the police and paramedics’ reports bears her out.’
‘So where is she now? And why didn’t she come to the funeral?’
‘You told her to stay away,’ he reminded her. ‘You made it very clear she wouldn’t be welcome . . .’
‘Because she was lying. I don’t want her anywhere near me until she’s prepared to tell the truth. Don’t look at me like that!’ she yelled. ‘I’m not crazy and I’m not in denial. I know there’s more to it – call it a mother’s instinct, a suspicious mind . . .’
‘I wish you�
�d stop this!’ he exclaimed. ‘Whatever you’re telling yourself, nothing can bring her back . . .’
‘I know that, but if we knew what really happened we might at least be able to stop blaming ourselves . . .’
Immediately he looked away.
‘You see,’ she cried, ‘you can’t even talk about how guilty you feel, but it’s eating you up, Charlie. It’s there with you, every minute of the day. You keep telling yourself you should have been there for her, or you shouldn’t have talked me into letting her go . . .’
‘That may be true,’ he growled, ‘but no matter how I might feel inside we can’t change the past, and punishing yourself and your mother like this . . .’
Her eyes flashed. ‘For Christ’s sake, you know what she’s like. She’s only ever been interested in herself, and now she’s trying to protect herself, or someone else for all I know, by lying about what happened that day in France.’
Since they’d been down this road too many times before for him not to know where it would lead, Charlie bit back his anger and took refuge in a silence that they both allowed to simmer on until the phone suddenly rang. ‘Are you going to answer, or shall I?’ he said.
‘It’s bound to be for you or Nikki,’ she replied brittlely, and pulling open the dishwasher she started to load.
A few minutes later Charlie put the phone down, and going to pick up his wine again, he said, ‘That was Paul Kingsley wanting to know if we’d like to watch the big match over at his place. A few of the guys are already there. Girls are invited too, obviously.’
‘How lovely,’ Jessica responded tartly. ‘I’ll go and fetch my knitting.’
He cast her an exasperated look.
‘Well what do you want me to say?’ she cried. ‘The boys sprawl out drinking beer and watching rugger, or football, or whatever the hell it is, while the girls sip wine in the kitchen, talking kids, recipes and all kinds of domestic goddess stuff.’
‘You know very well it’s not like that,’ he retorted. Then with a sigh, ‘They’re decent people, Jessica. If you’d just give them a chance . . .’
She stopped what she was doing and pushed her hands through her hair. ‘I know, and I’m sorry,’ she said, forcing herself to calm down, ‘but honestly, I really don’t feel like it tonight. You go. You’ll enjoy it.’
