by Purser, Ann
The kitchen was quiet, and Jeems’s basket was empty.
Lois rushed to the foot of the stairs and shouted: “Derek! DEREK! Mum’s gone, and she’s taken Jemima!”
Derek looked down at her and smiled. “Lois dear,” he said. “It’s after Jeems’s usual walkies time, and I’ve just looked out of the bathroom window and seen your mum and your dog returning up the path. Best get dressed, and we’ll go down and listen to Gran’s explanation.”
*
“Breakfast not ready yet? You do know what the time is, I suppose, Lois? Your husband will be off to work with a hard-boiled egg in his pocket.” Gran hung Jeems’s lead on the hook, and kicked off her muddy shoes.
“Mum! For God’s sake, stop this playacting! If you’ve got a grievance, let’s have it and get it sorted out. Both Derek and me have busy days ahead, and we can’t be doing with you winding us up.”
“Nothing to sort out, as far as I’m concerned,” Gran said, calmly putting the kettle on the Rayburn. “You know where the cutlery is, and I’ll get plates out of the dishwasher. You did remember to switch it on last night before bedtime, I hope?”
“No, we didn’t,” snapped Lois. “You know perfectly well you always do it before you go up.”
Gran ignored her, and began to assemble bread, butter, marmalade, eggs and bacon. “Here you are, duckie,” she said. “I’ll just nip upstairs and get some dry shoes, and you can give me a shout when breakfast’s ready.”
When Derek came down, he sat glumly opposite Lois and said, “What do we do now? Is this just to show how we can’t manage without her? If so, for heaven’s sake, let’s make peace with her and get back to normal.”
“Not sure about that,” said Lois. “Don’t forget what she said at the meeting. She’d got it all worked out, even to continuing to cook for us—at a price.”
“She’s coming down. Act normal,” said Derek. “Maybe she just needs time to think.”
The door opened, and Gran came in. “Ah, that looks nice. Scrambled egg for me, please.”
Instead of replying pleasantly, Lois stood up, pushing her chair back violently. “Then get it yourself!” she said, and stormed out. Derek and Gran heard her office door bang shut, and in a minute or so, her voice on the telephone, sharp and loud. Gran looked at Derek and smiled. “Bacon for you, dear?” she said, and began to cut off the rind.
*
“My favourite caller!” said Inspector Cowgill. “How are you and the family?”
“Not happy, Cowgill,” she said. “Meade House is falling apart, and I haven’t had any breakfast. Mum is on strike, and I am in danger of committing whatever is the word for murdering your mother. Derek, as usual, is trying to keep the peace. Oh yes, and the shop is being invaded by reptiles. But you may have heard about that from Matthew?”
“Not yet,” he said. “I was away at the weekend, visiting my sister, but no doubt when I see him he will tell me about the invasion. Why don’t you take a deep breath and start at the beginning with Mrs Weedon’s defection?”
Lois subsided. Cowgill always had a calming effect on her, except when she suspected she was being patronised, when the call would be summarily cut off.
“Right, okay, sorry if I shouted. I’ll tell you briefly about the reptiles, because that’s what made the subject of the empty flat come up. When Josie went in first thing Saturday to open up, she went to the storeroom and saw a snake looking at her from a pile of boxes. She screamed, and Andrew Young, who was coming in for a paper, rescued her. The Tresham Zoo man came and took it away. But meantime, Josie had opened the counter drawer to find the account book, and found a sodding great toad crawling towards her. The next morning, Matthew went upstairs to look in the flat for clues, and trod on a dead frog halfway up.”
“I know some of this already, of course, but it is not nice, Lois. Carry on.”
“We didn’t tell Josie about the frog. But all of us agreed that we should get a tenant for the flat as soon as possible, to keep an eye on security. O’course, that great spread in the newspaper about the snake won’t do us any good in attracting tenants. Anyway, we had a meeting yesterday, and Gran made this ridiculous suggestion. She wants to be the tenant, and come up and cook for us on a freelance basis. And she wants to be paid!”
There was a short silence, and then a snuffling sound from Cowgill.
“Are you laughing, Hunter Cowgill?” said Lois angrily.
“No, of course not. It’s just that I was thinking how clever your mother is. She chose her moment to strike, didn’t she!”
“You mean she planted the reptiles!”
“Well, that’s possible. But no, that’s not what I meant. She, too, was shocked and shaken by the cruelty of it, and then found a way of taking your minds off it by letting off steam about being taken for granted. Can you see her living down the street, cut off from all that goes on at Meade House?”
Lois was silent for a moment, then said, “I suppose you couldn’t come over? You could say you were investigating the reptiles, and then have a chat with her. I know you’ll think of a good excuse. She’s cock-a-hoop at the moment, being right at centre stage. Please?”
“Oh dear, and I’ve got a golf game fixed up for this morning. Will this afternoon do?”
“She’ll probably have swanned off on the train to London by then. There’s sales on in Oxford Street, and she always goes. Not that she buys anything, but she loves to be part of sale fever. Can’t you cancel it, or postpone it, or something? Please?”
“I’m on my way, Lois. When you ask so nicely, I am quite incapable of refusing.”
*
Lois returned to the kitchen to find Derek wolfing down toast and marmalade, and Gran eating a banana and reading the newspaper.
“That was Cowgill. He’s coming over right away to investigate the reptiles.”
“I may be gone,” said Gran. “Me and Joan are catching the excursion train to Brighton. She’s got tickets. Should be a lovely day,” she added, looking out at the sun-filled garden.
“Change the date,” said Lois desperately. “You can’t ignore a police request.”
“He’s not arresting me for stealing a snake, I hope,” Gran said. “Still, you’re right, Lois. He’ll need to speak to the most senior member of the family first.”
God give me strength, thought Derek. This is worse than the Sabine women. He wasn’t sure what or who they were, but guessed that Lois and her mum would have won hands down.
*
“Good morning, Inspector,” said Gran cheerfully. “Do come in. Lois is expecting you, so you can go straight into her office. Oh, there you are, Lois dear. Here is Inspector Cowgill to see you.”
She returned to her kitchen, leaving two puzzled people staring at her.
“That’s what she’s like the whole time. It’s as if she’s become a different person,” said Lois. “Of course, it’s all an act. She used to do amateur dramatics, and always got the best parts.”
“So who is she playing right now?”
“Lady Muck, I reckon. A grand dame with a tiresome family. Removing herself from the dreary routine of everyday drudgery. She wants to look after herself, and sometimes the rest of us, as and when she chooses.”
“Sounds reasonable to me,” said Cowgill. “Anyway, we’ll talk about it later over coffee, after you’ve given me all the reptile details.”
“You heard most of it over the phone. We still haven’t told Josie about the frog on the stairs. But as far as I know, that was the last of the slimy invasion. She’s being very brave, bless her, and promising to lock up safely every evening.”
“Good. But there’s no such thing as a completely burglarproof lock. Still, as long as it deters some intruder long enough to set off the alarm.”
“I don’t think it’s a burglar. Nothing was missing, as far as we could see. No, it is a deliberate attempt to frighten our Josie. But why? Of all the people I know, she is the most unlikely to have upset somebody. Always polite and helpful
with customers, and looks after the needs of the elderly and infirm in the village.”
“Ah,” said Cowgill.
“Ah, what?”
“Nothing. Just ah, that has given me an idea.”
“Share it, then.”
“Later, my dear. Not properly formulated. But there is something. Has anybody asked about the flat lately? Most of the village must know it is empty. This could be an elaborate plan to put off future tenants.”
“Oh, for God’s sake, Cowgill. As if anyone would be that stupid. This is a serious emergency. We don’t want to be waiting for the next thing to find its way into the shop.”
“Very well. Here is one thing we can try. Why don’t you encourage Gran to spend a few nights in the flat to see how she likes it. She might just notice something out of kilter. Or overhear a helpful conversation, if she leaves the bedroom window open.”
“Are you out of your mind? Why would I encourage my mother to do something so possibly dangerous?”
“Because I could arrange for Matthew to be on duty overnight there. No harm would come to Gran, and if there are a few trouble-free nights, it will help Josie to have confidence that nothing more will happen. We can all put it down to a bad practical joke. We’ll find out who practised it, never fear.”
*
Lois was amazed at Gran’s reaction. Her face lit up, and she agreed straightaway. “What a good idea, Inspector,” she had said. “It’ll be a kind of dry run for when I move in permanently. And you needn’t bother about Matthew. I am quite capable of dealing with any eventuality. The shop is only a hundred yards from here, and I can alert Lois or Derek at any time. Not that I shall need to. My late husband taught me a very useful left hook!”
“Right,” said Cowgill, winking at Lois behind Gran’s back. “Shall we start tonight?”
“Fine,” said Gran. “It’ll be like a little holiday. I shall go upstairs and pack a few night things, and then Lois can come with me to make up a bed and have a dust around. It’s all rather exciting!”
Lois said that if her mother was absolutely sure about this, then she would of course get one of the girls to have a good clean through the flat and air the bed.
“No need,” said Gran. “I shall enjoy it. Now, I have some things to see to, so I’ll say goodbye, Inspector. So nice to see you again.”
“Oh Lor,” Lois said. “How long is she going to keep this up?”
“She reminds me so much of someone I love dearly,” said Cowgill gently. “And don’t worry, I’ll have someone stationed in the shadows to guard her overnight. We might just catch the villain with a bagful of toads.”
Six
Although she would never have admitted it, Gran was feeling much less confident than she appeared to the others. The new plan for her to spend a few nights in the flat required her to put a few necessaries in a bag, and suddenly the whole thing seemed too close. Fine, when they had first talked about it, but now, as she packed toothbrush and paste, a clean face flannel and a bar of her special lavender soap, she had a swift shiver of nervousness. Supposing an intruder did come back with another reptile, maybe one of those lizardy things, what would she do?
Well, she reassured herself, Matthew would be on to him before he got inside the shop. She must tell Josie that she had changed her mind, and would like him to be close by. Another thought struck her. It might be a woman playing these horrible tricks. Someone who worked at the zoo? The police would have talked to everyone on the staff there. But suppose they hadn’t spotted a girl with the opportunity to take out the animals at night? But that still didn’t solve the question of how she would have got into the storeroom, or why. Apart from Josie’s unlocked doors, of course!
She picked up her fluffy slippers, worn summer and winter, and put them into the bag. Whatever happened, Matthew would be there, and she would be safe. And if it helped Josie to feel more at ease in the shop, then it was worth a try, wasn’t it?
“Mum? Are you ready? I’ll give you a hand with your bag. Josie’ll be in the shop, and we can go straight up to the flat.” Lois stood at the foot of the stairs, calling up to her mother in a brisk voice. She wasn’t fooled by Gran. It was a big step for her to take, and she was bound to be a bit apprehensive.
“Here I am, ready and willing,” said Gran, appearing with a smile. “You can take this holdall, and then I’ve got one or two things to put in a plastic bag. We can be back here by midday, ready for me to prepare lunch.”
“So when are you going to do this big spring-cleaning job? Why don’t we have lunch first, and then I can come down with you and we’ll make up the bed and clean up together?”
Gran came down the stairs slowly, and handed her bag to Lois. “I’d prefer to go now, leave my stuff and see what’s to be done to make the flat habitable, then come back here, cook lunch and take cleaning things down this afternoon. That’s what I intended.”
“Right,” said Lois. She felt oddly bereft. It was like seeing someone off on a train, and she added that she would go with her mother to take her bag, and then put some dusters and polish and other stuff in her van, and they would go down again together after lunch. “If that’s what you want, Mum?” she asked.
“No need for you to come now,” Gran replied. “That bag’s not heavy, and Josie will open up the flat for me. I shall have a look round and then come back more or less straightaway. If you insist, then we’ll go together this afternoon.”
*
Gran arrived back in a short time, saying that Josie was busy, and they had decided she should wait until this afternoon to go up to the flat. Now she was beating eggs as if they had deeply offended her, preparing a mammoth omelette for lunch.
“Lots of dusters and Vim,” she shouted to Lois, who was in the small scullery, where she stored all the equipment needed for the New Brooms cleaners. She was collecting up items that Gran thought they would need. “I expect we’ll find mice nesting in the bath and spiders galore. Just as well I’m not scared of creepy crawlies,” she added.
By the time they drove down to the shop, laden with enough cleaning materials to shine up the entire village, most of the trade had gone, and Josie was sitting on the top step in the sun, waiting for them to arrive.
“I thought Gran would like to go up first, just to get used to the stairs an’ that, and we’ll make a start. I can help between customers. It’s usually pretty quiet until the school bus gets in. Then it’s like a madhouse for ten minutes or so, then peace until closing time.”
With Gran leading the way, they climbed the stairs, and with the key Josie had handed to her, she unlocked the door. It creaked loudly, and she had to push it firmly to open it. “There’s something the other side,” she said. “I can’t move it no further.”
“Let me have a go,” said Lois. “It’s probably a bit damp.” She pushed as hard as she could, and the door began to move.
“Heave-ho, my hearties!” said Gran, adding her weight to Lois’s final push. They half stumbled into the room, and Josie followed. She turned to look back to see what had blocked their efforts, and froze. Then she screamed, and ran swiftly out and down the stairs into the back garden.
“What on earth is she doing?” said Lois.
“Look,” said Gran. “Look behind the door.”
It was a very large grey rat, and its tail was trapped under the half-open door. If rats could snarl, it would have snarled at them. It was an animal at bay, faced with an unknown enemy, and it twisted and turned, making a hideous noise, trying to free itself.
“Oh my God!” said Lois. “What do we do now?”
“Catch it,” said Gran. “We’ll catch it and take it back for Derek to deal with. Now, what we need is a strong cardboard box and a flat piece of wood to slide under it. Quick as you can, Lois, before it gets free.”
Lois found a box and the necessary piece of flat board, and watched in amazement as her mother turned the box upside down over the rat. “Now shut the door slowly, so its tail is freed. I’ll keep it
trapped.”
With a shaky hand, Lois did as she was told, and held her breath as Gran very carefully slid the board under the box. Then she lifted slowly and turned it the right way up, trapping the rat inside.
“You stay here and look after Josie and the shop, and I’ll take this up to Derek. I think he’s working at home this afternoon. I’ll be back here in two ticks. And no, Lois, I don’t need no help. Just stand at the bottom of the stairs and catch me when I fall . . .”
*
“The rat was just bad luck,” Lois said, as they all sat round the supper table. “Josie pulled herself together quickly, and we made cups of tea all round. Fortunately, nobody came into the shop until the school bus, and we were able to make a start. We made up the bed and switched on the electric blanket to air the mattress, and then we had a good clean all round, so at least that will be all right for Mum.”
“I can tackle the rest tomorrow,” Gran said cheerfully. “I’ll set traps, and them vermin will either meet a swift end, or turn tail and run. I’ll soon show them who’s boss in that flat.”
“We’ll wash up these supper things, Mum,” Derek said. “But first I shall see you down to the shop, and make sure you’re safely settled before I leave. Josie’s put supplies in the fridge for you, and we’ll get breakfast ready in time for you to come up and tell us how it’s gone overnight. Okay?”
“Fine,” said Gran. “Except that I shall let myself in here tomorrow morning and have breakfast on the go before you wake up. Old habits die hard, and I need to make an early start to my day.”
After Derek and Gran had gone, Lois went into her study to prepare for the following working day. She stood at the window, watching them walk down the road in the dim light to the shop. Her mother’s step was firm, and she had a hand through Derek’s arm. Tears came unbidden to Lois’s eyes. What a brave woman she was! Still able to cope with horrible rats, and determined to change her situation dramatically, when most women of her age would be thinking about warden-controlled flats and sheltered accommodation.
