A Different Kind of Despair

by Nicole Martinsen

  Black vines of ink hovered near my face and bare arms. I heard Jiki's voice as though she were speaking not through the veil of the geyser, but from the stream itself.

  "I'll make it quick."

  I didn't have the chance to reply before I was stabbed by the ink, the pressure so intense that it pierced my skin.

  My cheeks, my shoulders, and the base of my neck felt as though they'd just survived a thousand tiny arrow wounds. Breath fled my lungs in a great gasp, too startled to scream.

  Water receded into the floor, and I collapsed in the puddle that remained, breathing hard.

  It was as though I could see myself through Jiki's eyes as she studied me. I could see my ashy hair clinging to my sweat soaked skin, and the blood running in rivulets from the wounds that had been inflicted.

  More startling than anything else, I saw how quickly they healed. Jiki knelt and ran her gentle, damp hands over the affected areas, clearing them of blood and grime so I might see the kauna left behind.

  I remember my mother's tattoo as a wispy design. The tree's roots were thick and dark, but the higher branches were whispers of ink and smoke by comparison. Mine had no such contrast; the pattern was bold and black throughout, with scars and scales, sunshine and raindrops, in an unapologetic motif upon my bare flesh.

  My face now had two great triangles stretching across the apples of my cheeks, a loud declaration of my status if ever there was one. Yet, I did not feel very different. More alert, perhaps, but that was all.

  "Miraj!"

  Marvin's voice shook me from my daze. He set his hands on my arms.

  "No!" I yelled, throwing them off me.

  I looked on him with new eyes, spying a shadow... a darkness I could scarcely sense before. Marvin himself was not evil, but his spirit bore a mighty taint.

  "What happened?" I asked him, earning a bewildered frown. "Marvin, what is that thing following you?"

  "Following me?"

  He was feigning ignorance. Jiki knew it, therefore I did. The surroundings flooded my mind with information of things there was no way I could have known. So this was the power of my kauna -I'd become a reservoir for spirits and their perceptions. It horrified me more than I could ever imagine.

  "...Koronos." The name slipped past my lips, and as it did I could see him, a beautiful man with lime green eyes practically glowing in the dark.

  "My," he cooed from behind Marvin. "You are an interesting one, aren't you?"

  Marvin looked up at Jiki.

  "What's with the tattoos? What did you do to her?"

  "The kauna are wards," the rusalka said to him. "S-she is S-shaman. It will take time before s-she's used to the feeling of it."

  "I don't like you," I said to Koronos. "Leave Marvin alone."

  He chuckled, "I'm afraid I can't do that, my Lady. We have a deal." Koronos approached me. More and more, the rest of the word became washed out, as though he and I were the only people in it. His touch was frighteningly real as he cupped my chin in his hands. "That's a good look in your eyes. Lady Galatea had the same expression on her face when I poisoned her."

  "Lady Galatea?"

  "Ask your husband about it," he snickered. "It'll make for quite a show."

  "What deal do you have with him?" I asked. "Is there anything I could do to make you leave him alone?"

  Something flashed in his eyes at that moment, and I watched as the pupils grew into inhuman slits. His jaw unhinged slightly, exposing a menacing smile of too-sharp teeth.

  "Oh, I like you, my Lady. You know how to appeal to this old devil's heart."

  "MIRAJ!"

  Marvin pierced the veil of my stupor with the most alarm I'd ever seen. His face, normally expressionless or mildly annoyed, was brimming with fear.

  His nose was inches away from mine, and I felt his hands shaking as they held my arms. There were tears in his eyes, filled with such terror as though I were about to disappear from right in front of him. Color returned to my surroundings, and all I saw of Koronos disappeared... but I knew he was still standing there, watching with his evil smile.

  "Miraj, don't talk to Koronos ever again," Marvin urged. "Don't look at him. Don't speak to him. If he offers you any kind of bet, tell me so I can set him straight."

  "Jiki," I heard myself saying. "This dye -can you take it out of his hair?"

  Unable to deny my wishes, the spirit streamed water through Marvin's hair. The black dye sat in a puddle on the floor, revealing the strands for the steel gray I'd seen on the day I first met him.

  "Miraj," he called my name again. "Do you understand me?"

  I looked Marvin in the eyes, and for the first time I saw the years of fear and pain that belied his calm expressions. He had a kind heart, a heart that for these few moments was filled only with me.

  I wrapped my arms around him, closing my eyes as I rested my head on his shoulder.

  "I'm tired, Marvin. My head hurts."

  And it did -it felt as though I was aware of the thinness of the veil of this world. There was another realm, swimming with spirits, right behind this curtain. Reality as I'd known it was such an abstract concept -all at once my mother's cryptic words made much more sense. I was seeing life through her eyes and the eyes of every Shaman before her.

  He picked me up off the ground. "Then sleep," he told me. "We'll get to Nethermountain in a couple days."

  Part Two: Devil Within

  O' my poor and weary children

  I only wanted my own to love

  Instead I find you're just like me

  Neither here, nor there

  But in-between

  The veil of worlds is much too thin

  An ocean apart

  The width of a pin

  Like me, you straddle the shores on both sides

  A stranger to both with nowhere to hide

  Sweet daughters, find joy wherever you can

  For there is none to be found in the lives of Shaman

  -Ayasha's Lament

  7: Proof of Living

  Breathe.

  The thought came to me like a reed on the water. So I breathed. And with every breath I felt consciousness returning. I could hear the crackling of a campfire; the shirring of a spatula in a cast iron pan.

  But still I breathed, long and deep and deathly, for I recalled what Marvin had told me back in Leo's tent -my breathing changed when I was about to wake up. It was the sound of conversation that prompted my pseudo slumber.

  "What was all that about?" Will asked, sans his usual pomp and sneering. "How does she know about Koronos?"

  "Beats me," said Leo, and I heard him flip the food in the pan. "Jiki just said it's a natural development. Maybe to a rusalka, sure, but I don't see anything normal about suddenly being able to see demons."

  Demons?

  Breathe! The voice in my head commanded, and I disguised my startled response as a restless groan, turning my back to the men.

  "Well..." Will ventured. I heard the thoughts rustling through his mind. "The barbarians always were spiritual people. I'm pretty sure my mother was one as well, but I can't really remember. Maybe there's more to being a Shaman than smoking herbs and going delirious in front of a campfire."

  BREATHE! The voice yelled at me, and I released a pent-up breath. Is that what necromancers thought of us? Drugged-up schizophrenic savages? We're people, proud nomadic people who live as nature had intended.

  "Will isn't far from the truth."

  My ears twitched at Marvin's voice. It was above me, but not near me. I quickly peeked to see that I was up against a blackened wall; he was most likely sitting on the overhang, looking down on the campsite.

  "In Nethermount we were trained from a very young age to see bodies like machines. The only real thing we and the Four Tribes can agree on is that the body is a vessel. We worry more about the physical state, and they stress over everything else."

  I rolled my eyes behind their lids. Marvin was right, but in a very crude way. I did give him credit fo
r trying to explain it -I doubted I could put it any better.

  "Heeere's the thing that bugs me," Leo began, setting the pan on a stone. "We all met Suna. She was really nice. She also didn't have a trance-episode like Miraj did back at Purilo's caverns."

  I struggled with my ruse now that my mother entered the conversation. Her name formed a splinter in my heart. I missed her, but I was also upset with her for not sharing this knowledge with me beforehand. If I was old enough to have a husband then wasn't I old enough to know what lied before me?

  "Suna also had age and experience on her side," said Marvin. "And even if we take that tattoo, or kuana or whatever you want to call it, out of the picture, it's normal for Miraj to act out right now."

  My throat constricted. Now that someone said it aloud the events of the past few days felt more real than ever before.

  "Apart from the whole Shaman bit, I think she's handling things really well," Leo remarked.

  Will snorted. "Can't you see that's the problem? She's handling it too well, which is another way of saying she'd not handling it at all. I'm more surprised you didn't let her run back to that slaughter, Marvin."

  "How many times do I have to tell you I'm not the heartless bastard you think I am before it actually sinks into your head, Will?"

  "And I'm not sure you're as nice as you think you are -this kid has got a thing for you and you're still stuck mooning over Diana. Sooner or later she's going to figure it out and then she'll really wish she was dead."

  Diana?

  I curled into a ball, jealousy crippling me like a pox. Just once, Ayasha, couldn't you let things go my way? First I lose my home, then I lose the sunlight, then I start to lose my tenuous grasp on reality, and now I'm losing the affection of the man I love.

  "Miraj?" I heard Marvin jump down from the ledge. He put a hand on my arm. "Hey, are you alright?"

  I quickly sucked in my tears, rolled over, and made a face.

  "This damn dirt got in my eyes. I've never seen a place this filthy."

  Ah, it hurt. I wanted him to be able to see through the lie, and yet I didn't.

  I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand, blinking at the glow of the fire. It seemed that Leo had prepared some kind of meat. He handed a plate to me and offered a goofy smile.

  "Time to fill up. We should get to an entrance in a couple more hours."

  I poked the food, surprised by my lack of appetite. Rationally, I knew I would need the energy, so I forced it down my throat, doing my best to ignore the queasy feeling in my gut.

  Tully the emu plopped down next to me. I smiled on reflex, but it was an expression devoid of its usual heart. The charade was draining me faster than a mile long run.

  "You should be able to ride on him now," said Leo. "Modified Tully to support the extra weight while you were sleeping."

  "Thank you," I said, genuinely grateful. "I... really. You've done so much for me the past few days. I owe all of you my life."

  No one said anything for a moment. Finally, feeling embarrassed, I glanced through my eyelashes to find that the men were taken aback.

  Will was the first to break into an unnatural grin. "You might make a proper leader yet."

  "Well said, Miraj," Marvin smirked, setting a hand on my head.

  "And I think," I began again, causing them to fall silent a second time. "I won't stay in Nethermountain very long."

  "What?" Marvin asked.

  I straightened my shoulders.

  "I want to track the Kurai back to the mountains. I want to ask why they massacred their kin."

  "That," said Leo, "has got to be the worst idea I've ever heard. You said it, Miraj: the Kurai massacred your tribe. What makes you think they'll break bread with you once you see them?"

  "I am Shaman."

  "So was your mother!" he exclaimed. "And look what happened to her!"

  I clenched my fists against the dirt, glaring at him.

  "Do you think I don't know the consequences involved? I said I'd track the Kurai. More than likely I'll seek out the Akatsuki first, see if they know why our cousins committed this crime. If it's for honor, then they might even back me long enough to parley."

  "Or," Marvin countered, sitting in front of me, "you can just put this behind you. Start a new life, one where you'll never have to think about what happened ever again."

  I made a face at him, wondering if he could actually be serious. This was more than a matter of petty vengeance.

  "How dare you?" I demanded. "Hikari was my home, my family. I can no more run away from the fact than you can your history as a necromancer. I can change my name, the way I speak, dye my hair and keep as many secrets as I please, but it will never change who I was before. I loved my people, and it's because I still love them that I will never trample on their names by pretending they don't exist."

  "Miraj-"

  "-no, YOU listen to me!" I shouted. "That's the price of living, Marvin. We live, we breathe, and we die, and then all we have -all we really have after our bodies return to the earth, are the memories carved into the hearts of the people who loved us. It's through them that we continue living, not through some... some... dark, twisted reanimation. It hurts." My eyes stung with a vanguard of fresh tears. "Gods how it hurts! But that's the way it has to be. That pain is the proof that they lived, and I won't run away from that."

  Marvin blinked at me, and this time, much to my relief, he let me be.

  I watched as the men picked up the camp. Only the emu stayed by my side. Tully craned his neck to the side, plopping his head on top of mine as though to say, well spoken.

  8: Temptation

  The Moor of Souls was a place of macabre beauty. I was especially fond of two features: the glowworms and the acid geysers.

  The green plumes dispersed into the air like wisps of fire after my mother threw ritual powder onto the logs. The worms, as I'd mentioned before, were like stars above our heads.

  I could no longer tell whether it was night or day, but as Tully moved I set my thoughts to the rhythm of his plodding steps. First we head to Nethermountain, then, provided the necromancers were gracious, I could stock up on supplies and get to the nearest oasis. I would camp there, for however long, until the Akatsuki returned to that particular watering hole.

  It could take as long as a year and a half for them to make that full revolution through the Howling Desert, but I was young and able, and willing to bide my time for that to happen.

  My eyes drifted towards Marvin's back.

  Even if I had to go alone.

  "We made it," Leo announced, but I couldn't see anything in this darkened angle. Will lit a torch, and I gasped at two great ebony skeletons carved out either side of the cavern wall. If ever I had any sort of reservation in my life, it was now.

  Leo gave me a good slap on the back once he saw my expression.

  "Beautiful, isn't it?"

  Marvin shook his head into the palm of his hand.

  Good to know someone other than me still had a lick of sense.

  More appalling than the entrance to Nethermount was what wandered out to meet us; a hulking brute twice Leo's size, made of some kind of earth and... dear Gods... was that human flesh?

  "Lichtenstein!" Leo exclaimed, to which this... thing got down on one knee, shaking the ground beneath its mighty weight. Lichtenstein rapped a finger atop Leo's head in the most bizarre greeting I'd ever witnessed.

  "Last I checked," Marvin began warily, "wasn't Lichtenstein a bit... smaller?"

  "Oh we did some work on him," Leo grinned. "Isn't that right, buddy?"

  Lichtenstein rumbled, as though this was passable for a coherent response. He turned to Marvin, and then to me, holding out a massive hand in our general direction as though to ask who we were.

  "Come on," Leo sighed exasperatedly. "You've got to recognize Marvin. Maaaar-vin, heir to House Thanos. That Marvin?"

  Lichtenstein's chiseled mouth opened with a groan.

  "Chic-ken?"

  Will
doubled over, laughing. "Close enough!"

  Leo, a bit uncertain, obviously wasn't going to pass up this opportunity.

  "Yes. Chicken."

  Next the monolith pointed solely at me.

  "That's the rooster."

  I watched as Marvin wilted where he was standing, Will completely losing it at my side.

  "At least now the pecking order is official."

  Marvin picked up a rock. "Leo, sorry in advance."

  "Oh shi-"

  He hurled it at his friend's head. Both Leo and Will screamed at the same time, clutching the point of contact. I scanned all three of them, wondering what the hell just happened.

  "Is that the first time you've seen something like this?"

  I stiffened, a cold chill running down my spine at the voice who asked me that question. Though I couldn't see him, I knew he was right behind me, speaking loud and clear as though he were in my own mind.

  "Koronos," I whispered, careful to keep my lips from moving. I sensed him follow as Tully moved forward, trailing after our companions as we entered this place called Nethermountain.

  "Will over there is a Doll of my very own creation," said the demon, and I flicked my eyes towards the blonde as he said it. "But, due to various pesky developments, he now belongs to Leo. Theirs is a special connection. Anything that happens to one, the other can feel."

  I tried to look as though I were paying attention to the cavern walls as they began to get smoother in our progression.

  "Why are you telling me all this?"

  I felt his fingers caress the kauna on my cheek through the veil between worlds. It was cold, so terrifyingly cold that while he was in contact I simply couldn't move.

  "Because you're interesting, my dear," he chuckled away.

  "If you're looking to strike up some sort of a bargain then it isn't going to work," I hissed.

  "Of course not, I wouldn't dare presume a Shaman would fall for such a petty trick like Marvin over there." I glanced out the corner of my eyes, and saw the ghostly outline of his face. Koronos beamed in my direction. "I can tell you're curious. There's no need to hide it. In fact, the deal between Marvin and I is the reason he's coming up a bit... short, these days." Koronos motioned to Marvin's skeletal prosthetics.