“Goddamn it, Jamie! Just…you’ve gotta quit hiding in your head. You’ve got to take risks to grow as a person, to really find yourself. You can’t keep letting life get away from you.”
He got it, he really did. He wasn’t the first person people thought of when they wanted to be around someone adventurous. He was more of a home body and erred on the side of caution to save his heart and his emotional state from the kind of damage he’d gotten as a kid.
It wasn’t a life he’d chosen for himself as much as the life he felt the most stable living. Was it just his personality or was it the result of all the things that had happened to him? His best guess was that it was a healthy dose of both.
A couple of Jamie’s friends knew about his baggage, how he got his ass handed to him by a couple bullies through most of grade school. His mom was a nihilist and a shut in who used her tongue to cut him every chance she got, and his dad was a picture in a cheap little frame he still kept in a drawer at the bottom of the dresser.
He’d left a lot of his older friends behind years ago, however. Most of his current friends weren’t in on his history, though he supposed most of them could guess that his high school years were spent hiding out in his room struggling over how to deal with how weird he felt compared to everyone else. In many ways, he still did that now. The ones that knew rolled their eyes at his introverted life, and the ones that didn’t bit his ass for it whenever they got tired of hanging around the house with him on a Friday night.
The thing was, Jamie wasn’t always fond of how he’d been living either, but he also knew that he wasn’t the guy that went wild or just went out and did things for the hell of it. It wasn’t natural for him not to think something over, assess the risks, and then act on the best course of action on his liveliest days and straight out avoid those risks on the days he felt overwhelmed.
He’d never been able to shut his mind down and just jump on the next thing that came along, and for a long time, he hadn’t thought he ever would
“You never were very good at anything, Jamie. Your dad didn’t know what to do with you when he was here, and I sure as hell don’t have any ideas either. You’re not at all what we expected when we decided to have a kid, not even close. Hiding in your room all day with all of your damn books! What kind of life is that?” Dear old mom, always there to make him feel secure and in touch with himself as a person. Shit, was it any wonder he felt so lost?
Of course, it wasn’t just her.
“Don’t you ever get sick of putting your nose in a book, man?”
“No…why should I?”
“Look around. Don’t you see all of these girls? Don’t you want to…I don’t know…see if you can get a little?”
Jamie remembered looking around the room, his face a bright blush of scarlet, and shaking his head. Sure, he saw the girls…and a couple of guys he admired too, like Dave with his tight jeans and spiky hair, all of that black hair framing those pretty green eyes while he told him off about reading all the time. “Nah, I uh-I don’t really worry about it, man. Girls are a lot of stress for me.”
No, he wasn’t going to invite questions or take risks if he didn’t have to. It was hard enough hiding behind books and trying to puzzle out how to catch glances at Dave while he wasn’t looking.
Jamie was twenty-four, of average height and moderate weight, handsome in that offhand way most people overlooked with dark brown hair and pale green eyes, and he was also a bisexual. Most of his insecurities revolved around his fears of failing, getting hurt, or hurting other people in the process.
His sexuality played a part in these fears because it was one of the few things he had never been able to control or think out. It made him worry he would never be able to commit. His past history, which was mostly made up of several one night stands and a few very brief relationships, certainly didn’t help him feel any less insecure about that. It had been his last failed relationship (this time with a sad young man with his own collection of insecurities and, as it turned out, suicidal tendencies) that had finally made him take a major leap and risk a great deal.
This was how Jamie Winslow, self-professed and friend-labeled wallflower, wound up on a plane headed to a singles tour of Italy, feeling very ill and more insecure than he’d ever been in his life. The weirdest thing was that despite all the fear and the anxiety, it also left him feeling more determined to see it through. He wanted to take this risk so that he could push himself out there to see if he could change, and to try and forget everything that had gone wrong with Nico.
You would think being up above the clouds and looking down on everything might give me some new perspective, maybe some ability to look forward to the trip ahead of me, but things are always going to go back to him.
Nico clouded his mind, choking out thoughts of anything else. There he was in Jamie’s head, sad grey eyes looking back, his full, sensual lips twisted down a little at the edges as he leaned back into the couch, exasperated.
“You don’t understand me and you don’t even get why that hurts me. Jesus, Jamie, I don’t even know if you really want me here! “
“I—”
“You what?” Nico thrust himself up out of the soft pillows and plump rolls of the couch, lithe muscles and flesh going taught and then relaxing as he got to his feet. If it were any other time, like on one of his good days, the movement would have been erotic; instead, it was full of anger and tension.
God, Jamie wished this could be simpler. He wished he had the right words for Nico.
With Nico, sometimes it felt like everything was a big change, way more complicated and important than Jamie thought it was. Nico was pacing now, tense, like some big cat slipping back and forth in front of the couch where Jamie was still sitting, watching him.
“You don’t know what to say? You don’t know what I want?” Those eyes on him, that heat and that light burning through all of his answers, all of the vague things he might have used to smooth things over.
Nico knew Jamie better than he had any right to know him. It had only been what? Six months? “I used to think maybe you cared about me, that you really knew what I intended for us, that maybe you wanted a relationship too, but it’s all a lot of bullshit, isn’t it? You never really wanted to get too close, you wanted to keep screwing and leave it at that.”
Nico’s eyes darted back and forth, dark stormy clouds in a soft, warm face framed with dark curls, daring Jamie to deny it, pleading with him to chase away all of the pain and sadness even as his words cut at him.
Jamie knew he couldn’t give him what he needed. He wanted to be that person for Nico, wanted it so very badly, but it just wasn’t in him. He didn’t have that sort of connection with him no matter how much he wished that he did.
Instead, he looked back into those accusatory eyes for a moment more, and then he let them slip away, his eyes locked on his own hands, the fingers wrapped tightly amongst themselves. Jamie wanted so badly to feel secure, calm, and able to reason with the accusations coming at him.
“It wasn’t just about sex, Nico, I—”
Jamie’s face was brought back up by a firm but gentle hand. He looked back into that storm and saw so much going on there beneath the surface, so much wrong that he could never put right.
Why did I ever think I could reach him, make him happy? Why did I blow off all of these issues?
Angry tears slipped down from Nico’s eyes in waves, but there was no sound, only fury flaming in the depths of those wet, sad eyes as he threw his hands up into the air and cried out. It was a mournful sound that startled Jamie. Instantly, he regretted his inaction.
Despite Nico’s reaction, Jamie knew that telling him it was over was better, that getting away from these horrible fights was best for both of them.
Regret, doesn’t make it my fault; regret means I know we both could have done better, that we never should have taken each other on after that first night.
For a moment, Jamie was swept away in the memory of the t
wo of them laughing and talking at the party…
He’d initially gone because he was mooning over the hostess, a tall leggy, woman with long, dark wavy hair and crystalline blue eyes shining with the kind of intellect that always made everything else that much sexier.
She owned a bookstore a few blocks away from his apartment, and he’d been going there for months trying to gather the courage to ask her out. They’d chatted a few times, enough that she knew of him and considered him a regular customer. Jamie was on the verge of giving up when she smiled at him a few hours before she closed up and invited him to her party later that night. He arrived a few minutes late, not wanting to seem overeager, and was greeted with her gracious hug and an introduction to her handsome cousin Nico.
Nico’s smile was bright and attractive, and his clear grey eyes were mesmerizing. For the night, Jamie found that the woman had drifted to the back of his thoughts and that her cousin loomed far brighter.
At first, he tried so hard to impress Nico, leaving long gaps in the conversation as he struggled to be certain he wasn’t talking about things that wouldn’t interest him. Nico’s smiles were met by his own, the sort that made his face ache. There was the kind of joined laughter that was completely uninhibited, even instinctual, and soon the interaction began to feel more natural.
They made love that night for the first time, Nico making the first move and Jamie slipping so easily into the rhythm of it all. It had been intense and satisfying, the sort of thing that leaves you tired and achy the next day. Back then, they were happy just to be together, to share the same space and explore their shared interests.
The sadness and the dissatisfaction had come later, when Nico had started to crumble around the edges, unhappy that he didn’t feel the way he had in the first weeks. Jamie hadn’t changed but Nico’s needs had, and he couldn’t keep up anymore…
Jamie looked up at Nico with the words on his lips, the idea of what he wanted to say ready to come out, but he couldn’t say it. Nico’s face was wet with tears, his eyes red and bloodshot.
Jamie paused with his mouth open because the look Nico gave him didn’t seem completely sane. He stopped being this soft, sad kittenish lover Jamie had grown used to and became a wounded animal.
Nico had that wild look on his face, his teeth like white fangs exposed beneath a curling lip. “Get out! Get out of my sight so I don’t have to see it all over your face!”
Startled and overwhelmed, Jamie fled convinced that this was the right thing. He told himself Nico would hurt for a while, but eventually he would get over it and things would work out. They had to, for Nico’s sake and his own.
Only it hadn’t gotten better.
While Jamie had gone on with his life over the next few months, Nico had only gotten worse. Their social circles touched on each other (Nico’s cousin Erzebeta, the beauty who’d thrown the party, was familiar with many of the same people through her store). He’d hear from one or two of his friends that Nico wasn’t dating, he didn’t really go out much, and he was starting to worry them.
Jamie could only frown, trying to tell them something soothing and that he hoped things would get better. Then he went back to his own apartment, usually alone but sometimes with someone warm and inviting who took care of his concerns by washing them away with a night of sex and sensuality.
One night, when Jamie was more than a little drunk, he finally got together the courage to ask Erzebeta out when he met her on the street. Smiling, she humored him through a cup of coffee and then took him back to her apartment.
He couldn’t really say that they made love; this was a more straight forward sort of sex. As satisfying and lengthy as it was, it was far more physical than emotional. It suited their needs and made them feel good, but they finished knowing that it would never happen again.
They talked afterwards about how things had been since they’d seen each other last, about how her shop was doing then, and finally about Nico.
“I’m sorry it didn’t work out between you two. Nico’s so sad now, but it’s clear you’ve moved on and he’s going to have to do so himself.” She laughed. “It’s funny…you know, I have to confess something to you now. I didn’t mention it before because I didn’t want to hurt your feelings or offend Nico while you were still dating.
“Um, I kind of planned it a little, your meeting. I knew you were interested but I wasn’t ready for anything then. I was enjoying being single, and I thought that maybe…well…” she blushed, “that Nico would be better for you. I guess I was wrong. I just wish that he was…that he could be like the rest of us, you know? I wish that he could be happy with what life is, what it offers instead of always wanting everything to be so—I don’t know—intense. I guess that sounds pretty stupid with us, um, with us here right now, under the circumstances.”
Jamie smiled a little self-consciously, feeling a little morose about the lack of intimacy between them and now talking about Nico. “Yeah, I-I wish things had gone differently, too.”
“Oh shit, I’ve upset you by telling you about what I did at the party, haven’t I?” There’s no self-consciousness in her, only a sort of curiosity and a touch of concern. “I’m sorry.”
He laughed a little to himself, pulling the sheet up to his waist and then letting his head fall back against the headboard. She didn’t see it, but a tear slipped down from one eye. He was embarrassed, annoyed, and would’ve liked nothing more than to get out of this place and forget he ever acted on an old interest.
Instead, he turned to her, looked at her, and gave her a small close mouthed smile. “Don’t worry about it. I mean, that’s life, isn’t it? We change our minds sometimes and things happen. Besides, we found out tonight that it would have been a waste of time for both of us, right?”
She nodded her head slowly, studying his face, and then they parted ways dressing in the dark and saying goodnight as quickly as possible.
He didn’t mean to seem callous or insensitive; he wasn’t trying to hurt Nico. If he heard about how he’d gone on since that night, Jamie figured Nico would see it as a sign to move on, to make his own way in the world with other people. They couldn’t go back after all, not with the way things had gone that night and not now that he’d slept with Erzebeta.
In many ways, he was beginning to wonder if he would ever settle down, have a real and lasting relationship with anyone. Sex had become simple and easy, something he could use to nourish himself when he felt lonely and out of sync with the rest of the world. Not making bonds just meant that he had that much less to worry about in the long run, less chance of getting hurt or hurting others like he’d hurt Nico.
It didn’t turn out as he’d expected though, and soon he would find out how badly things had really crumbled for Nico. Erzebeta, the cousin who’d thrown the party and introduced them, who had orchestrated their meeting and then slept with him when it was all over, charged up to Jamie at a coffee shop and spit in his face.
Her face locked in a tight, angry glare he’d been completely thrown to see.
“You let it happen! You let him die alone in that apartment, and you did it with neglect! You ignored his pain, and you ignored what he was feeling about you! You as good as pushed those pills down his throat. You might as well as have put that bag over his head and helped him into that tub!
“Now he’s dead and it isn’t as if you’d care, but goddamn it you’re going to know about it. Maybe it won’t mean a damn to you, but I hope the guilt eats you alive because I care. I care, and I don’t want to see you ever again, you bastard!”
It ran so completely counter to everything she said that night prior, and he knew it. He saw the guilt looming there, just beneath the surface of her brimming eyes. This had less to do with him than it did with her grief and self-hatred. He would’ve felt some sympathy for her if she hadn’t beaten him over the head with the details of Nico’s death and choked out every hope of ever recovering the connections they’d made over the last few years.
�
�I-I didn’t. I don’t even know what I can—”
She slapped Jamie as hard as she could, the full brunt of her 158 pound body slamming into his face and throwing off his balance. She turned and left before he could say anything else. She knew very well that her words would sink down into his very being, that they would haunt him and eat him alive. She also knew that shutting him out of her life like that would leave him thrown and struggling to cope.
It was just the sort of thing Nico would have done.
Jamie went back to his table and gathered his notebook and pens, fleeing the many eyes locked on him trying to puzzle out what he’d done. He already decided never to come back to the shop by the time he was rushing out the door.
A couple of hours and many blocks of stressed out walking later, he went home, got drunk, and dwelled on it all. How many mistakes had he made since that night? How many ways did he fail to look out for his own best interests as much as he ignored the other people involved? Could he have done anything differently? Would it have mattered if he had?
Over and over the thoughts rattled through his aching head and drove him mad with their repetition. In many ways, Jamie’s life had begun to mirror Nico’s. For something like a month he rarely left the house. He didn’t go out or invite friends in, and he hardly ate, ruminating about it until he decided that enough was enough. It was time for a change.
The next day, when he woke up and gathered his mind together enough to think, he went online to look for a way to escape. It didn’t take him long to find just what he needed in a little Italian town right out of every romantic movie he’d ever seen. It was just the sort of thing that Nico might have liked if he’d still been alive.
He could even see them walking together on the streets, looking through the shops and having some dinner. Jamie liked those moments of peace and calm with Nico. It was a companionship that he hadn’t really felt with others…but those had been the good days.
On the bad days, when things weren’t so calm, it was always arguing, sadness and the kind of sex that left them both feeling a little hollow and lost. Like magic, Jamie could see those eyes in his head again, the dark grey clouds shining and bright as they looked into his, searching for something they would never find.
Feral Hearts Page 3
