by Tee Smith
James told her he loved her. He promised her he would find a way to tell her mother one day soon, he would break it to her gently and she would be understanding, but he had to buy his time so that it didn't end in disaster.
Of course, in hindsight, Asha knew how stupid she was to have believed even a word of his lies. However as a sixteen-year-old girl, desperate for love and apparently getting it from a much older, very good looking man, she believed all of his lies.
Their affair lasted for four weeks, during which time, she gave her virginity to James. She had told her mum she was going out to an evening movie with school friends and James had offered to pick her up and bring her home. In reality, she had planned to meet James around the corner from her house, where he picked her up and drove her to the local bowling alley. She'd had sex for the first time on the front seat of his sports car, in the car park at the back of a bowling alley. He had not been gentle, it had hurt a lot. He had seemed satisfied however and Asha, so desperate to please him had just gone along with him, pretending to have liked it. Everyone else seemed to like sex, she figured it must get better.
Back at home that night she could hear James having sex with her mother in the next room. She often heard her mum, she seemed to like everyone in the house to be able to hear what a good time she was having. Asha cried herself to sleep.
Several days later, her mum had announced she was going for a girl’s night out. Asha knew this was usually code for going out to find herself a new boy toy. She had felt some triumph at that. Thinking her mother's interest in James must be waning and soon she and James could be together at last.
She had excitedly called James and invited him over the evening. Then she organised for Patrick to have a sleepover at his friend's house. The scene was set for her and James to have a romantic night in.
Around eight o'clock that evening there was a knock on the door and Asha excitedly ran to open it, beaming when she saw James, standing on her doorstep looking amazing. His hair freshly washed, his face freshly shaved. A white button up shirt hanging over the top of his faded black jeans. She had gotten ready herself as soon as her mum had left. Slipped on a tiny little black dress, curled her hair and even put on a little make-up, which she had found in her mum's bathroom.
What she had not counted on was her mum coming home early from her night out, Patrick had taken sick and the friends mum had called and asked her to pick him up. So there she was on the family couch, dress around her waist, her bare legs wrapped around James. His jeans discarded to the floor.
The look of horror on her mother's face would haunt her for the rest of her life. Looking back she reflected that on what she had expected to happen? Where had she expected the relationship with James to go? Had she really thought it might work out, or was it an act of defiance against her mother?
James had collected himself very quickly, pulling on his jeans and making his way out the door, never to be seen or heard of again. Poor twelve-year-old Patrick stood dumbfounded his hands over his eyes, probably scarred for life from what he had just witnessed. But her mum, she had launched into a full-scale rage. Scratching and slapping at her like a woman possessed. Calling her a slut, telling her no one would ever love her, that she was an ugly, horrible girl. That she didn't deserve anyone to love her. Telling her to pack her bags and get out of the house.
Asha had been so shocked by the events, distraught that James who had professed to love her, had run and left her with her mother to endure this alone. Scared of what her mother might do to her. Somehow she had not imagined it all coming crashing down around her ears like it had.
Again in hindsight that seemed silly to her now as an adult, she imagined herself in the same situation. She thought of how she had reacted when she had found Emma in the office with Xavier and how that had made her feel. What she still found difficult to understand however was how all the blame was placed on her, not on James.
She never left the house that night. Patrick had begged their mum to let her stay, but her mother had never let her forget what had happened. Asha held out hope for a long time that James would come back for her, take her away from this hell. Storm in and tell her mother that he was in love with her, but he never came.
Asha had gone into his workplace a week after the incident because she had wanted to talk to him. Tell him she loved him and it would be okay, they could find a place together as soon as she finished high school. They could have their happy ever after. Just the two of them. The office lady had looked her up and down and told her James didn't work there anymore, that he had come in a week ago and announced he was moving interstate and had given his notice that day.
Asha's heart was broken into a million pieces. She had pinned so many hopes on him. James was to be her knight in shining armour. He was going to whisk her away and make everything that was broken in her life whole again. They were to have the happy ever after, just like in the movies. He had told her so. Now it was just her against the world, against her mother. She left home the following year, vowing never to go back and never to expect a happily ever after from any man as they would only let her down.
***
The sun rose on Sunday morning, after a mostly sleepless night. As per the usual ritual, Frank and Mary turned up, just as everyone was waking from their big night out.
“Shit boy. What happened to you? Go a round with Mike Tyson last night?” Frank exclaimed when Patrick opened the door.
Asha waited with baited breath for Frank's reaction. She knew how he felt about Xavier.
“Xavier actually,” Patrick smirked, flicking his eyes to Asha.
Frank drew a deep breath, before turning his eyes to Asha. He hissed as he exhaled ,“What did I tell you girls about that boy? He's just like his father.”
Asha jumped to Xavier's defence. She was still angry at him for what he had done, but she could not stand by and listen to Frank run him down. “Patrick was being an ass. Xavier was defending me.”
“Where was this?” Frank demanded. “Here at the house? Did the cops come?”
“No, not here, it was at the club. The cops didn't come. It was over before it began really.” She drifted to Patrick's side and he extended an arm around her shoulders in a side hug. “He's ok aren’t you bud?” Looking up into his face she could see where bruising was starting to develop around the side of his lip and extending down to his chin. There was a small laceration just along his jaw line. Reaching up and running her fingers gently across the bruising, she huffed out a laugh, “He might not want to shave for a few days is all.”
“I brought you ladies some banana bread and scones,” Mary announced coming to the door behind her husband, completely oblivious to the current tensions. “Oh my, you’re hurt Patrick,” she said stopping in her tracks when she saw his face.
“I'm okay Mrs D, don't worry about me, banana bread you say?” He extended a hand to Mary quickly relieving her of the bags and containers she had brought in.
“Typical boys,” Mary chuckled. “Always thinking of their stomachs. Come on girls, let's get that kettle on.” Mary marched off after Patrick toward the kitchen.
Frank remained in the doorway, eyes piercing right into Asha's. He never said a word, but Asha knew he wanted too. She felt the hairs on the back of her neck prickling under his gaze.
Chapter 19
ASHA'S PHONE RANG AND RANG. She knew it was Xavier and she was not ready to talk to him yet. She had given herself a few days to calm down but seriously? Violence was just something she did not tolerate. The memory of the assault she had endured at work recently, fresh in her mind. There had been a few violent incidents during her career, particularly when she had worked in the emergency department and drug addicts had been brought in by the police. This was different, though. Drugs had a way of warping people's minds, she knew and understood that.
Violence against another human being because you did not like the way they behaved? That was something that Asha could never comprehend. It was barbaric. Stupid if nothing
else. Why did men, like Xavier and his dad, think it was okay to hit first and ask questions later?
When lunch time arrived, Asha was feeling cooped up, so went for a stroll to the local cafe. She did not always bother with lunch, often missing it as work was too hectic. Today had been quiet. She guessed that was kind of a good thing, no new patients and a few of her regulars had passed recently. That was always hard, even when it was expected. She had gotten somewhat desensitised to it. Expected it even. Death was part of life, and she did choose to work with cancer patients who were more likely to die sooner than the average person. Sometimes though she allowed herself to wallow for a while.
As she was nearing the sliding doors to her office, something caught her eye and made her look around. Just over near the side of the building she saw something she recognised, Xavier's motorbike.
“Oh that’s just fantastic,” she groaned to herself. “Now I'm going to have to deal with this.”
Walking through the doors, she took a look around the waiting area. Okay, maybe he was not there. Just maybe, he had brought his mum in for treatment. No, that would not be right, he would have brought her car. She was sure it was his bike she had seen parked out there. Maybe she had been wrong.
As she wandered toward her office, Gemma came running towards her, and in a low whisper announced, “Mr X is in your office.”
“Oh Gem, really?” Asha sighed.
“Well he came in here, demanding to see you and I know Maria has been in a crappy mood all week. I didn't want him to cause a scene out here, so I sent him to your office and told him you would be back soon,” she said hopefully.
Asha rolled her eyes, it wasn't really Gemma's fault. “Okay, thank you. I guess.”
Gemma winked, “You're welcome, just remember not to be too loud, we don't want to hear you making up.”
Asha shook her head in disbelief and headed into her office.
“Xavier,” Asha nodded as she walked in, closing the door for privacy.
“Asha, I'm sorry baby,” he reached out putting his hand on her forearm.
She shied away from his touch, she loved the feel of his fingers on her bare skin, but she couldn't let her guard down. “Yeah I know, you said so already.”
“I shouldn't have been so rough with Patrick, but baby you gotta believe me when I heard the way he was talking to you and then he was grabbing you the way he was...”
“So what Xave? What?” her voice was getting louder, “you thought you would deal with him like a man and beat the crap out of him huh? That doesn't make you a man Xavier, it makes you a fucking Neanderthal. Hit first ask questions later.”
“Ash,” he pleaded.
“No Xavier, I can't be with you right now. I just can't...”
“But Ash, sweetheart.”
“Don't, I'm sorry Xavier. I just can't do this. I can't be in a relationship with you,” she shook her head.
“I'm not going to beg you Asha, but I don't understand.” Xavier pulled himself up to his full height, puffing out his chest, as if in an act of defiance.
“What did you think was going to happen with us Xave? Where did you see us going? Did you really think we were going to fall in love? Get married? Have a family? Live happily ever after? I hate to tell you Xavier, but happily ever after doesn't exist in the real world. It's all just a fantasy dreamt up by romance writers who want us to believe in it, so they can sell their books and movies to poor pathetic people who hate their lives,” she laughed bitterly. Then her voice softened and she added. “Loving someone means eventually having to endure their loss, we both know that, we both know how much that hurts. I won't put myself through that again Xavier. I can't risk loving you and losing you.”
A tear escaped and trickled down her cheek, she quickly wiped it away, hoping Xavier hadn't noticed. She hated pushing him away like this but knew it was for the best. The longer this went on, the greater the risk of getting in too deep with him.
Xavier shook his head in disbelief, sadness swarmed his green eyes and for a moment Asha felt a pang of regret and thought to take her words back, to rush into his arms and tell him how sorry she was, that she hadn’t meant any of it and not to go.
“So this is it then?” Xavier asked brokenly.
Asha nodded, she had nothing more inside of her. Just an empty broken heart. She had been falling in love with this man and yet, that was the one thing that terrified her the most. As Xavier walked toward her, she stood deathly still, wondering what he would do next. He placed both hands on her upper arms, reached towards her and placed a kiss on her forehead. Then turned and walked out of her office, closing the door behind him.
Asha's heart twisted in her chest. What had she done? Every muscle in her body felt weak and she stumbled backwards, allowing her back to slide down the wall, hugging her legs to herself and rested her head on her knees.
Within minutes she heard the door handle turning quietly. Then soft footsteps coming toward her. She didn't have to look up to know it was Gemma, coming to see if she was okay. Gemma's body appeared beside her and she was being pulled into her arms for a hug. That was when the tears started and she could not make them stop. There were no words, no questions Gemma just sat with her quietly, soothing her, rubbing her back. She was not sure, but she thought maybe she had just made the biggest mistake of her life?
***
“Do you want a ride home tonight?” Gemma called as Asha was leaving her office and walking through the waiting area.
“No, thanks, Gem, I'm thinking I might wander around the shops for a bit.”
“Bit of retail therapy huh?”
“Absolutely,” Asha nodded. “Thanks for today.”
“What are friends for?” Gemma offered her a sad smile.
She was a good friend. Asha was so glad she had made a friend of Gemma. They had grown really close.
The local shopping precinct was not far from the clinic and she wandered aimlessly around the mall, even boots weren’t interesting her tonight. All she could think of was Xavier's sad, sad eyes. It was for the best, she had to keep reminding herself. No point wallowing. It would happen sooner or later anyway. She had her career, he had his. It was better this way. Build up the walls, protect yourself, that way you don't get hurt. Isn't that what she always believed? She should never have let her guard down when she did and she wouldn't be feeling this way now.
Giving up on shopping, Asha hailed a cab at the front of the mall, rather than go home, she felt compelled to talk to someone who she knew would understand. A career woman who had never had a family. Who knew Xavier better than she did.
“Well, well, I didn’t expect to see you again so soon pretty girl.” She heard Polly before she saw her, turning around she was hauled into Polly's massive cleavage.
“How are you, beautiful girl? You look so sad, what’s happened?” Polly asked concerned, pulling back and studying her face.
Asha was really not even sure, what had compelled to go to Polly, but she burst into a fit of tears.
“Oh Asha, baby girl, come now,” Polly was saying as she pulled Asha blindly along. Before long she felt a chair behind her knees and Polly's hand on her shoulder, encouraging her to sit.
“What’s up sweet girl?” Polly soothed.
“Oh Polly,” she sobbed. “I think I’ve just ruined everything.”
Asha was not one to pour her heart out to a stranger, she was not sure what it was about Polly that made her feel that it was okay, but before long she had told Polly the whole story. How she had met Xavier and been instantly attracted to him. How she had tried to fight her feelings for him. How he had swept her off her feet. About the fight over Emma and how it made her feel so insecure. Then about the fight with Patrick, ending with what had happened in her office today with Xavier.
Polly listened intently, not interrupting once, she had someone bring them drinks and pushed a glass with what Asha thought was whisky into her hand. When Asha was done, Polly wrapped an arm around her, pulling h
er in for another hug.
“Oh darling girl,” she whispered close to her ear, stroking the back of Asha's head as if she were a small child. When they each sat back, Polly looked deep into Asha's eyes and went on.
“You know, I'm not much for giving relationship advice, but I do know my Xavier,” Polly smiled a small wistful smile. “He is a beautiful boy Asha. Losing Maddie broke his heart. She was everything to him, more than his mother. Yes, he loves his mother, but she would never take Xavier's side. Whenever that pig of a man did anything to his mum, Xave would be so upset. I can't tell you the times he came to me as a youngster, in tears over the things his dad did to his mum. As he got older, he stood up to him and copped a hiding numerous times and you know what Annie did?”
Asha shook her head, her mind reeling, Xavier had never talked to her about these things and now she was learning all about it, from his aunt.
“She would get angry at Xavier, he was there trying desperately to protect her and she would shun him. Maddie and Xavier were all each other had in the world. They might look like the perfect loving family on the outside, but his parents were not nice people. Not to Xavier.” She shook her head.
“What about Maddie?” Asha asked.
“Oh, she was the golden-haired child. Maddie could do no wrong,” Polly's face hardened. “But she hated them for the way they treated Xavier.”
“Xavier never told me any of this,” Asha admitted searching Polly's face.
“I probably have no place telling you all this either, but I think you should know. Xavier has had never had trouble finding girls. He is a bit of a looker, my boy.”
Asha giggled, she was right about that.
“But, he has never brought any of those girls in to meet me,” her eyes twinkled. “Do you know what that tells me?”
Asha shook her head.
“That boy can see something special in you Asha, and talking to you just now, I can see why.”
