by J. R. Rogue
Her shoulders shook a little in laughter, and she mumbled into her palms.
“What’s so funny?” I asked.
“Nothing.” Her smile was glowing in the light. “I just said, ‘topsy turvy, down the rabbit hole I go.’ It’s something I used to say in high school, or in college, when one of my friends was about to do something they shouldn’t.”
“Am I something you shouldn’t do?”
“Yes.” She was a little breathless.
“Just tell me what to do.”
“Be delicate.”
My heart broke a little at her words. What the fuck did her ex-husband do to her? She was still lying on her back, her legs stretched out in front of her, bent a little at the knee, her small ankles resting on the steps leading to the grass. All talk, no backbone. That’s me.
“Oh, I’ll be delicate, until you beg me not to be anymore.” Jesus Christ, who was I? Some ridiculous book boyfriend my mother went on about? That Sera had referenced on social media countless times? I mentally shook my head at the fact that I knew what that term meant.
I shifted my focus back to Kat. I thought I could hear her breathing pick up. I turned to her, full on and let my palms rest on her knees. She arched just a bit off the deck at the small touch.
“What if someone sees us?” she breathed.
I looked up at the front door, still open. “Trust me, they’ll turn around real quick.” I put my palms back to the trembling knees and pressed lightly on the insides of her legs with my thumbs, spreading them. She did not push back, merely whimpered lightly. “I’m not going to do anything you don’t want me to. Please tell me you know that.”
“I know that.”
“You want this?” I asked.
“I want this,” she echoed in reply.
I moved my hand back down along one of her legs, down her calf, to her ankles. I started pulling at the tiny strap around her skin. The shoe slipped from her foot, clattering down the steps. I moved to the opposite leg, mirroring my tempo, my undressing. Delicate.
I had never been able to sleep well in a house that wasn’t mine. I always tossed and turned when I was wrapped in blankets that were not familiar to me, when the night was not exactly the right shade of black, when I didn’t have my own pillow beneath my head. So when I woke up in Sera’s house just as the sun was creeping out, it was no surprise to me.
I didn’t remember going to sleep. I didn’t remember sleeping at all. How I was able to fall under so easily was no doubt due to the alcohol. When I sat up on the living room couch, I had to struggle with the weight of three blankets draped over my body. I squinted my eyes at the emerging light shining into the window across from me and then looked out into the entrance area. From my seat, I could see the base of the stairs and on into the kitchen. There was not a single sound in that house except my breathing and the movement of my legs shifting beneath the covers.
I was a little disappointed to see that Andrew was not on the couch with me, but quickly stamped that down. There was no room for two bodies on it. Why wasn’t I locked in the office with him where he slept?
I thought of everything that happened the night before as I wrestled my still sleeping legs from the mound of covers Andrew must have placed over me. I pulled the last moment from my muddy mind.
Andrew’s hand in mine. His lips on my temple. His body lined with mine head to toe, pulling me close in a hug that was not a joke like almost every word that fell from his mouth. There was nothing humorous about that moment, just honesty.
I was smiling as I searched the floor below me for my purse. My phone was dead, and I stopped myself from cursing out loud in frustration. I needed to get out of here, and I needed to do it without anyone knowing.
It still got dewy some mornings. When I made it outside, I was struck with the beauty of the field in front of me. It was more than dew, it looked like it had rained through the night. The sky was gray, promising more.
I could see why Sera never wanted to sell the land or her childhood home. Most of the property was wooded, but twelve acres surrounding the house were not. In front of me, the lawn stretched out to the large pond her grandfather had put in. A dock stretched out into the water. Just beyond the end of it, I saw a cluster of ducks splashing. Chace’s dog was sitting at the end of the manmade walkway watching them.
I walked to the right, heading around the house to the gravel driveway where my car was. My little two-door coupe with electric blue paint should have caught my eye immediately but it didn’t. What caught my eye was the bare ass standing to the right of the detached garage in front of my car.
Andrew’s head turned to the side just as I skidded to a halt, the gravel crunching beneath me, giving me away. I saw his eyes wrinkle, a smile surely covering his face. “Oh, hey,” he called over his shoulder, casually. This boy would be the death of me.
“Hey,” I returned, my voice sounding warbled. He was just six feet in front of me but I worried he didn’t hear me.
I didn’t move until he was done and turned to me. I cast a nervous glance up at the house, thankful that Sera’s bedroom was on the opposite side. Andrew leaned on my driver’s side door and smiled warmly at me as I pulled on my purse strap, avoiding his eyes, waiting for him to speak. I just said “hey!” It’s your turn to talk!
Finally, he put me out of misery. “So where are you running off to, little lamb?”
“Home,” I offered. “I have, I have laundry to do.” God, you’re lame.
“Kat. Were you even going to say goodbye?” He pushed off my car and walked to me.
I circled around him and tried to get to the spot he just vacated. I must have looked a little like a scared child avoiding the stranger at the mall because Andrew held both hands in the air and backed up.
“Don’t worry, doll. I’m not going to touch you. I have dick-hand,” he laughed, looking over to the spot he had just been standing in, taking a piss.
“Okay, explain that,” I said, scrunching my eyebrows together and simultaneously feeling a little lighter. “Why were you peeing outside?”
“Well, as luck would have it I woke up needing to take a leak just as Chace was needing to do the same. So I figured why not just hop outside to relieve myself.”
He shrugged his shoulders like it was no big deal. And it really wasn’t I guess. What would I know? I wasn’t a guy.
“Fair enough,” I said, reaching for the handle of my car door. “So what are you up to today?” I wasn’t asking because I was hoping we could hang out. It was just something you said to people. It just sort of fell out of my mouth. I didn’t need to make more conversation; I needed to get the hell out of here. Help!
The thing about Andrew was that you couldn’t let anything through without him latching on, bringing it to light, making you blush. And sure enough, he didn’t disappoint.
“Why, Kat? Do you want to see me again? Is that what I’m hearing?”
I didn’t have to look at his face to see his smile. You could hear it. You could feel it on your skin. He warmed me up and I really needed that in my life.
“Shut up.” I rolled my eyes and threw my purse in, looking back at the house, avoiding his eyes.
“I have band practice later,” Andrew said, letting me off the hook. “Noon I think.” He stepped over to my car again and leaned on the hood, crossing his arms over his chest.
It really hit me then how hot he was. It felt wrong to think it but any woman with eyes could see it. I had always been attracted to men with a certain softness that could be clearly seen on the surface, a reflection of what was inside. Andrew’s best friend Chace was more my type on paper. The quiet voice, the pensive stare, he had those things. I could see why Sera was so taken with him.
Andrew wasn’t that. He was loud and colorful and in your face. He was everything I stayed away from when it came to men, through high school, in college, and in every stage of my life.
If I were forced to enter the dating world again—something I was in
no way up for—the list of what I desired in a man would read like this: well read, college educated, steady employment, 401k. I knew I sounded like a snob, but it wasn’t intentional. I just knew what I wanted. Stability and no surprises. But I learned you can get exactly what you wish for in a man and have no idea it’s all a lie. I shook the past from my bones and listened to my body.
My heart was beating out of its chest, and my palms were sweaty because of this boy in front of me. The antithesis of everything I thought I needed. Maybe what I needed right now in my life was the opposite of what I had. He would never hurt you. Right?
The rising sun, that was battling to break through a tree in the distance while I awkwardly attempted escape plans in vain, broke through the branches of a tree, hitting me in the eyes. I needed to get out of here.
After five more minutes of random chatter from Andrew and nervous head bobbing from me, I was able to get him to get off my car and let me drive off. But not without another warm hug, similar to the one he had given me the night before, and a kiss in my hair.
I gripped the steering wheel tightly the whole way home.
Shady Gators at the lake was on fire. Okay, not literally. No, it was on fire with sweat and swear words, with liquor and laughter, with short skirts and cheap thrills. The crowd around us was wild, and their attention was mine. I had it. I commanded it. I was in control.
But they didn’t have my attention. The crowd’s laughter was nothing but background music, dancing in time with that of my band’s. All I could see was her. Kat. She was here in the crowd, and she was staring at me. She was smiling. Her perfect lips were curled around her straw, and those eyes were flirting with me. Why was she doing this? My self-control was about to punch me in the face.
It was nearly time for us to take a break and I was dreading it. I couldn’t hide from her if we weren’t playing. I first noticed her a couple of songs ago. Her long lean legs were what did it. Just when I got them out of my head, just when I stopped fantasizing about having them wrapped around me, there she was again.
I didn’t know what had triggered Kat’s new behavior, but I was struggling with it. I didn’t deserve it. I couldn’t get into any kind of relationship with her. Not this friendship she assumed we could have. I couldn’t just start fresh here, now, with the truth still unsaid. The past weighed too heavily on me.
I watched more than a few guys walk up to her during our show, only to be blown off. I had been counting her drinks. God, I needed to hide from her.
Once the last song ended, I bolted from the stage and exited out the back, like the coward I was, dodging strange looks from my bandmates as I went. There was a door leading to an outside balcony which I found deserted. I suspected she would find me out there eventually, and she did just a few minutes later.
“Hey,” her soft voice floated up from the outdoor stairs to my right.
“Hey, look at that, you found me,” I said, staring out into the black water of the lake.
“Were you hiding?” She laughed. She made her way to me and set her drink on the railing, staring at my profile, making me blush.
Kat had this ability to halt the thumping of my heart. She was never a flirt unless she had a drink in her. She was shy, so shy, and one sip warmed her. She was a little more sure of herself when she was off balance. But it led her to poor decisions. Poor decisions like pursuing me, letting me into her bed, letting me lie to her.
“No.” I laughed in return. “So are you here alone? Did you drive? It looks like you’ve had a few.” I sounded like a disapproving parent. Attractive.
“I came with one of my coworkers,” she said, dismissing my concerns.
“You’re the boss,” I countered.
“Okay, one of my employees,” she corrected herself, even though I was clearly being an ass.
“Has she been drinking, too? How are you getting home? It’s a forty-five-minute drive back.”
“She isn’t drinking.”
“Good.” I paused, still not turning her way. “How long are you staying?”
She turned away from me in response, resting her arms on the balcony, staring out into the water at the late night boats making their way to their condos or lake homes. A breeze blew up from the water below us, blowing my long hair around my face. She turned back at the sight of it.
“I like your hair. I’m glad you grew it out,” she said, not answering my question, a smile dancing in the cadence of her voice. She reached out and touched the strands lightly. She was too close.
“Thanks,” I said shortly, pulling away a bit. Walking the line between aloof and asshole wasn’t easy. It’s incredibly simple to blow off a girl you have no interest in. Blowing off a woman you desperately want, fuck that shit. I’m not a fan. All I wanted to do was grab her and kiss her. I wanted to stick my hand under that short skirt and make her beg for me. I wanted her to grab my hair, put me in my place, punish me a little bit. But none of those fantasies were going to play out. Not if I remained stoic.
I wanted to remind her of the past, our past. She needed to remember the way I skipped town with no warning. I searched my brain for some little reminder I could slip in, but Alec saved her by popping out on the balcony. We both turned at the sound of the crowd from the now open door.
“Hey, man, we’re ready to start back up in about five minutes,” he said, before he left with a smile on his face from seeing Kat next to me.
I rolled my eyes at him and turned to Kat, clearing my throat. “Well, I better get back in there,” I said, walking toward the door.
“What’s up with you?” Kat chuckled.
“What do you mean?” I asked, turning back her way.
“Did I do something to piss you off?” She was still smiling, the liquor making her bold. “Because if there is one of us who should be acting like an ass, it should be me. But I’m not. I came out here to see you play. I came out here for you.”
“Why though?” I asked, finally letting emotion play in my voice, crossing my arms and staring at her head on.
“You asked me to.” Her voice cracked a little when she responded.
“I know.” I laughed at myself. God, I was an idiot. “I didn’t think you really would though. I thought the whole ‘let’s be friends’ thing was just some moment of temporary insanity.”
“It wasn’t. I meant it. The truth is I felt better than I had in so long when you were in my apartment. And I wanted that feeling back. You remind me of what safety is supposed to feel like. And, you know as well as I do that I can’t help myself with you.”
My heart sped up again at her words. I shook my head in response and stared up at the sky. “That’s the problem. That’s what I do to you. I make you do bad things.”
“Like listening to live music? Like letting my hair down? Like having a drink and forgetting all the bullshit in my life for a minute?”
It didn’t sound bad at all coming from her. But I knew how this story ended. “That’s the beginning of it all. That’s the rise before the fall.”
“What fall are you talking about? I don’t get you, and do you know why I don’t get you? Because you won’t let me. You bail, it’s what you do.”
And there it was. The reminder. I didn’t need to do it; she pulled it out. “Kat, this will never work.” I wasn’t going to let us pretend this was a friendship thing anymore. That was bullshit and we both knew it. “You’re a grown woman, and I am a boy who can’t get his shit together.”
“Really? I’m pretty sure that’s what you’ve been doing the past two years. I know where you’ve been and how you’ve changed. Although I think maybe it was a bit overkill.”
“What does that mean?” I asked, scrunching my face up.
“I’m glad you got the band back together, Reese. I am. You shouldn’t have let that go.”
“I couldn’t exactly have taken them with me.”
“You didn’t have to leave to make those changes.”
She was wrong. I needed to be away from
her and the rest of my collateral damage. I turned at the sound of the door pounding behind me from Alec’s impatient fist. I turned back to Kat and bit my lip. “I’m sorry. I have to get back on stage.”
“I want your new phone number.”
Shots fired, damn girl. “Why?” I edged.
“I think you owe it to me after everything,” she said, pulling her iPhone from the small cross-body bag she was wearing. She unlocked it and looked up at me with piercing eyes. I sighed and walked back over to her, holding my palm out, letting her place the device in my hands. I put my number in and handed the phone back, careful not to touch her fingers.
I turned and walked back to the door, running away, retreating. Her words flew over my shoulder before I opened the door, letting the thunder of the crowd out.
“I’ll see you after the show.”
Fuck.
I was scaling the side of a building like a fucking idiot again. The thick summer air wrapped around me and threatened to choke the life out of me. Once I reached the top of my place of employment, I tiptoed over the black tar roof and made my way to Kat’s window. It was open again. God dammit. I quickly closed the distance to the opening and slammed my open palm on the top glass. Inside I heard a yelp and the sound of glass breaking on hardwood. I turned angrily from the window and walked to the other side of the roof. I pressed my back against the brick wall of the building next door and lowered myself slowly to the roof to sit, letting the rough feel of the wall cut into my back, pulling me from my anger and warring emotions.
After about a minute or so I saw Kat fill the frame of her window, her eyebrows furrowed and her lips pursed. “What the fuck was that about?” she cursed, the bite in her voice fumbling like a foreign language on a clumsy tongue.
“Why is your window open again?” I barked. I wasn’t the crazy possessive alpha male asshole that I was coming off as, but she seriously needed to be careful.
She groaned loudly at my retort and pulled herself back into her home. I buried my face in my hands and waited for her to come back. Another minute passed before she returned again, her face a little calmer. We stared at each other for a while, no words spoken, then she broke the eye contact and started crawling out to me. I crossed my arms, defensively, wanting to keep her at bay, despite the fact that I had come up to her window by my own volition.
