by J. R. Rogue
“I don’t want to fuck this up,” I confessed.
“Then don’t,” she said softly.
I’ve found that I am a man of routine. I know when I am in the wrong and I always vow to be a changed man once I’ve been called out. With good intentions, I throw some duct tape on my life, on the people in it, and I go on my merry little way. It’s always a half-block down the road when the tape starts unsticking and I get bored with the looks of it. Eventually, I figure old ways aren’t all that bad.
I was done with that. Done, done, done.
I felt Kat’s breathing slow in my arms as I drew up a game plan in my mind. I untangled myself from her limbs so that she could get into a more comfortable position while my mind raced. I was wide-awake, no sleep in sight. This was what starting over felt like, I knew it. Not my old versions of starting over. This was the real deal.
Kat drifted off swiftly beside me and I felt a little foolish being unable to follow her. I was wired and excited for the next day. We would finally be getting the truth out of the way and everything would finally be the way it needed to be. It was about fucking time.
When I woke up, I was alone. I reached across my bed and found Reese gone. He must have run home to get ready for work. I wished he said goodbye. Odd.
I grabbed my phone and cursed myself for not setting an alarm. It was seven a.m. and I normally woke at least a half hour earlier to get ready. I needed to get up and take a shower. I needed to wash the sex off my skin. After I took care of a few things in my office, I would walk next door to see Reese.
I smiled to myself at the thought of everything that happened between us the night before. We were finally on the same page. No more back and forth. No more chasing. I was so tired of the wanting. I needed him to return my affections. And he had. Damn, he had.
I threw the covers off and skipped to the shower. Yes, I skipped. I couldn’t remember the last time I felt so giddy. Maybe the morning after I got married to Charles. Before I knew the real man I had married. I shrugged off the thought of my ex and vowed to never let that happen again. Ever.
The girls in the shop didn’t let it go unsaid that they could tell I was walking around with my head in the clouds. Alicia cornered me in my office and I gave her as little information as I could to get her off my case. By nine a.m. I was able to leave. I backtracked to the coffee shop and picked something up for Reese. Before we fell asleep, I asked him how he took his coffee and intended to have a cup ready for him in the morning. I would bring one to him since he didn’t wait around.
When I walked into his office, I didn’t find him at his desk. I didn’t find anyone. I glanced down the small hall leading to his father’s office, finding an open door. I timidly called out, “Hello?” and heard movement in response. Reese’s father filled the hall and smiled as he walked toward me.
“Kat, dear, hello, what brings you by?”
I smiled and held up Reese’s drink. “I brought this by for Reese. But I don’t see him.” Perhaps it was a little forward to stop by, essentially outing our relationship to Reese’s father before I knew what was going on. But last night, I felt it. This was it. We were going to cut the crap and finally be together.
Paul’s face darkened at his son’s name, just for a moment. He quickly recovered and answered, “I’m sorry, Kat, Reese isn’t here today. He’s home packing.” He crossed his arms and tossed a disapproving look at his son’s desk, then met my eyes again.
“Packing? For what?” I should have called Reese instead of putting his father on the spot, but my question came out so quickly there was no chance of my stopping it.
“Yeah. He told me this morning he wasn’t coming in and he would be leaving town. I don’t know where he’s going. Probably to his mother’s house again. I never know with him.”
I’m not sure what I said next. I know I mumbled something and fumbled to put the foam cup of coffee down before I dropped it all over myself. I felt my chest rising and falling quicker and quicker.
When I made it outside, I didn’t turn back into my store. Instead, I rounded the corner of our building and started navigating the sidewalk to Reese’s house. He wouldn’t be disappearing on me again. Not without a goodbye, or an explanation.
I could feel tears beginning to fill my eyes so I stopped and stood still. I stared up into the hot summer sky, already unbearable, and willed my tears to go back into my eyes. I wouldn’t be tear stained and weak when I confronted him. I was hurt, but more than that I was furious.
I wasn’t going to climb the side of his house and crawl through the window. No, not this time. I was tired of crawling for him.
When I reached the house, I walked right up to the front door, glaring at his truck in the driveway as I waited for someone to answer my loud knocking. Just as my hand started to go a bit numb, the door opened. The person standing on the other side was not the cause of my fury. My best friend Sera’s mother was smiling at me, her brows furrowed a bit at the sight of me.
“Kat, dear, how are you? Come in,” she smiled, pushing the door open wider and letting me through. “I’m so glad to see you, Hun. How are you?”
I choked down my anger and rearranged my face. “I’m good, Mrs. Taylor. How are you?”
“Oh, wonderful. I was about to make my way out back to the garden but the heat is so stifling already. This summer is going to be the death of me. Did you walk here? I didn’t see a car.”
“Yes, I’m only around the corner though. Remember, I’m living at the shop now?” I pointed in the direction of my apartment like an idiot. I wasn’t expecting to see Reese’s stepmother, a woman who had been like a second mother to me growing up. I really didn’t have a logical reason to be there without Sera around. At least not one that anyone knew about yet.
“Oh, yes. Yes, I knew that. Sorry. What can I do for you? Would you like a drink?” she asked, walking out of the foyer into the large kitchen.
The house was so beautiful. Sera’s mother had always been skilled at decorating. She retired from her position as a teacher and now owned the only bed and breakfast in town. Her decorating skills were out of this world. Walking into her home was like walking into a magazine. I was transfixed on the decor above the kitchen cabinets when her voice pulled me back to reality.
“Kat? Dear? Is everything all right?”
I shook my head and reached for the glass of orange juice in her hand, reaching to me. “Yes, sorry.”
“What can I do for you?”
“Is…” What did I call him? Fuck. “Is Reese home?” I rushed my question out and chased it with a gulp of my drink.
“Yes, he’s upstairs. Would you like for me to get him?”
“No, that’s okay. Do you mind pointing me in the direction of his room? I need to talk to him.”
“You sure you’re okay?”
Coming to her house, looking for her stepson, I knew it looked odd. I didn’t blame her for the perplexed look painting her face. But she was the last one I wanted to explain anything to. Okay, no, maybe Sera was the last person I wanted to explain everything to. But I needed to do that soon. I had been hiding everything for too long.
“Yes it is. I just need to tell him something.” That he is a coward and I am going to throw him off the roof. No big deal.
She pointed me in the direction of his room, the location of which was already known to me, but I had to feign some innocence here. I finished my drink and thanked her, rushing from the room and taking the steps two at a time. I didn’t knock. I reached for Reese’s doorknob and walked right in.
I found him next to his bed, a large suitcase open on top of his comforter. He froze at the sight of me, with a t-shirt in his hands. I shut the door behind me and turned back to his face, the tears beginning to form already.
“So it’s true. You’re leaving again,” I choked on the words.
His eyes were so sad, I nearly ran to him and reached for him. But my heart would not rule me here. He needed to know how this felt. How his cowar
dice ruined me.
“It’s not what it looks like, Kat,” he said, his voice low and remorseful.
“Don’t lie to me, Andrew!” My voice hitched on the name. I didn’t mean to use it. No, no, maybe I did. I was tired of this game. His face tensed at the two syllables. He looked like I had slapped him.
“Please don’t call me that,” he said softly.
“Why? It’s just a name. It’s your name!”
“No, it’s not.”
“Yes, it is. I get it now, I didn’t at first. When I saw that you changed it on Facebook when you finally reactivated it, I had no clue who you were. I had to click on your profile. It was weird. But I see now that you were trying to leave it all behind. What you did, that spring, everything between us. I hated you. I won’t lie about that. Reese Andrew Taylor. RAT. I had fun with that. That’s what you were to me. A liar and a thief. It took me two years to get over it, to forgive you. And I had to do it all on my own. Then you come back here, changed. Grown up, still a little wild, but safe. And I find myself not only forgiving you, but wanting you.”
“Why do you feel that way?” he questioned vaguely.
“What way?” I asked, my voice still shrill.
“That I’m safe. Nothing in this world is safe, no one is.”
“What is safety? A lie? That’s the truth I had convinced myself of. I look at the postman, my customers, a teenage boy on the street with a schoolbook in his hand and I see danger. I see danger in every man that comes near me. The hairs on the back of my neck are exhausted. The constant fight or flight somersault is draining me. I don’t know what it is about you that makes me feel less like a scared little girl, but it’s there. In the past two years, you’re the only man other than my father who hasn’t frightened me. I was reckless with you so soon after all that happened. I try to convince myself those moments weren’t monumentally stupid, that I knew you, that nothing bad could have ever happened with you, but then this other side of me wars with that truth I want to hold onto. I just want you so badly. I want the hurt inside to be gone and when I’m near you, it dies.
There is something new and raw there when I see your skin or hear your voice. It’s a want that is untainted. What you and I have, this current between us, it isn’t logical, it doesn’t make sense. And I’ve always needed that. I need balance and order. Everything was taken away from me by the one person who was supposed to love me through thick and thin. This shouldn’t be happening. I shouldn’t want you, but I do. You’re completely wrong for me on paper, you’re a mess, you’ve been a mess. But you make me feel safe in a world where that is often taken from us. That feeling, it shouldn’t be stolen. It was stolen from your sister and it was stolen from me, it happens every day to little girls, women, men, everywhere.
When you touch me, I don’t recoil. I don’t draw in. I don’t feel my eyes well up and my heart doesn’t stop. It beats faster, and I just want you closer. You didn’t lie to me but you didn’t give me the whole truth. Those two sins are wicked twins. You want to throw it all away? Go, I won’t stop you. You never give me the chance to anyway. Always sneaking away while my back is turned.” I pulled my hands up to my face and pressed into my eyes. The tears were coming; I couldn’t stop them.
I heard Reese walking to me, so I pulled my hands down and stepped back just as he reached for me. He stopped and raised his hands up to show me he wasn’t coming any farther. His eyes held hurt. “Kat, I promise you, I wasn’t lying. I am not leaving. I am just going on a little road trip. I want you to come with me.”
“What are you talking about?”
“This town is killing us, Kat.” he said, exhaling. “We can’t keep living this way. I’ve been hiding from the truth but it finally hit me last night. I keep running away from here. And then I keep coming back. I thought there was something about this town that I loved. It was the only thing that could explain why I always end up back here. But it’s not something. It’s you. You’re here, so I came back. But I’m not happy here, and neither are you. You can’t keep looking over your shoulder, wondering if Chuck is going to be there.”
“I don’t do that,” I stammered. “I, no, I won’t do that anymore.”
“I think you will. I think maybe you just don’t see it. I talked to Sera earlier this week and she’s the one who made me realize it. She had to come back here to face her demons, and once they were dead, she had no reason to stay. That’s another reason I came back. I had something to prove to my father. And I have. Now it’s time to move on and pursue the life I want.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m heading to Nashville. I’m going to stay with Sera and Chace for a few days. Come with me.”
“I can’t.”
“Yes, you can. You own the store. You can make your own schedule. Walk out this door, tie up loose ends, and let me pick you up and take you away from here for a while. Just see how it feels. I wasn’t trying to slip out, Kat, I wasn’t. I needed to get home early to talk to my dad, to tell him how I really felt about coming back here and everything between us. Then I was coming back for you.”
His eyes pleaded with me, and I believed him. I knew I shouldn’t, after everything he had done, but I did.
The silence enveloped us and finally I relented. I nodded and he came to me again. I let him wrap his arms around me. I let my anger subside for a time.
Sometimes it is painfully obvious that no matter how far I’ve come, I am still an enormous idiot. When your biggest regret is leaving the woman of your dreams with no word, then you never do it again. Never fucking again. Not even if it’s just to go home to pack before trying to convince her to leave for a spontaneous road trip with you.
Kat’s eyes, when she saw me placing clothes into my suitcase, nearly broke me. The disappointment was deafening. And then her voice was as well, as she finally brought up the way I left two years ago. It had been the elephant in the room ever since I came back, ever since we started to spend time together again. I was too afraid to bring it up. Too afraid she would come to her senses and wonder right along with me, wonder why she wanted me again.
There was so much more to be said, another confession to make, and the time for it to fall from my lips to her ears was now, soon.
Kat left and ran home to pack. She agreed to go south to Nashville with me for a week. One long week to see how her soul would breathe away from this town, to see how her best friend—my sister— would take our relationship. Or whatever it was that we were starting. She needed this and so did I. She didn’t fully understand how time away could cure you. I did.
It’s so easy to tell someone how they should handle the big decisions in their life. I could tell Kat what I thought her next step would be until I was blue in the face, but the honest truth was that my suggestion was scary. I knew that. And as easy as it was for me to tell her she should move to another state and sell her failing business, when it came down to it she was the one who would have to do it. It was her life and as an outsider, it was easy for me to offer answers. But I knew my plan was the right plan. That town and those memories were poisoning her. She was right about a place holding memories. There were too many poisonous ones there and she needed to get out. I desperately hoped that this trip would be exactly what she needed to see that.
The eight-hour drive down to Music City was long and stifling, heavy. Every inch that I had gained the night before was nearly lost. Nearly. I still had a little bit of luck left on my side.
Kat let me hold her hand. She laughed at my jokes. They weren’t belly laughs, but her eyes smiled. And to be honest my jokes were a little lame, a little rusty. I hadn’t been the court jester, the comedian in her life since that spring we spent together. I was trying to glue two versions of me together for her and she saw the cracks. We both saw them.
I had no clue who I really was now and we both knew it. Maybe they were pity laughs. Maybe I wasn’t the only one who could put on a show.
But as each mile took us farther away fro
m our hometown, I felt something grow inside of me, something akin to freedom, something foreign. This was a different escape.
Sure I had left town plenty of times, but it was always to run to my mother. The farther I got from my father, the more I had to confront those issues. Everyone talks about women and their daddy issues. For some assholes, it’s nothing but a bullseye on a woman. But what about dudes with daddy issues? I certainly had them. Was it obvious when I walked into a room? Could you smell it? I was always fighting to force people to accept me for who I was because my father couldn’t. Even when I was failing at life, I wanted everyone to choke on the truth of it. Because even when I succeeded, he cut it down.
This didn’t feel like running away. This wasn’t me boomeranging between parental disapproval and acceptance. This was a new beginning. My sister, Sera, was waiting down the road and she always set me straight. She definitely was going to set me straight when she saw who I had in tow.
When we finally made it to Chace and my sister’s house, there was a hysterical panic so close to tumbling out of my mouth that I thought I might crack at any moment. Toward the end of the ride, my jokes didn’t even make sense and seemed even more forced than the ones I had shot out at the beginning of the ride.
When Sera opened her apartment door to see her brother and her best friend, I forgot to breathe. She caught me with my hand on Kat’s shoulder. Sure that’s a pretty innocent act, but the whole thing had to look bizarre to her. I told her I was coming down. I never mentioned Kat. As far as she knew, her best friend and her little brother lived in the same town and possibly saw each other at the post office and that was it. We were not two people who went on road trips together. We were not two people who stood outside of doors, close together, touching casually, intimately. At least to her we were not those two people. We were two separate parts of her life.
This was the worst way to go about this. Goddamn, man. Goddamn.
