by June Francis
He stared at her intently. ‘And that mattered?’
‘Of course it mattered! Why else would I have gone out to Australia? Why else would I have spent months going here, there and everywhere trying to find you?’ There was anger in her voice as she remembered all the worry and pain of those months, and Rob Fraser. She wondered if now was the time to mention him but Matt had come back at her with more words.
‘You wouldn’t have had to do all that if you’d have done as I asked and gone out with me!’ He drew a deep breath. ‘Everything would have been all right! Neither of us would have been hurt! But if we both still care there’s a chance to mend things. We are husband and wife for better, for worse. Do you still care?’
‘Haven’t you been listening to what I’ve said?’ she whispered.
Matt did not hesitate but drew her into his arms and his mouth found hers unerringly. She stopped thinking and surrendered to the pleasure of the moment. With their mouths still locked, somehow they managed to climb the stairs. It was almost as if they were afraid to let go in case they lost each other again.
Inside the girls’ bedroom they tumbled on to the bed and continued to kiss and hold each other. She knew she wanted him, could feel desire rising inside her, was aware he wanted her. Suddenly they could not hold off any longer. She watched as he undressed, her fingers trembling as she struggled with her suspender button, but she managed and when he turned to her, naked, she was ready. Her breasts brushed against his bare chest and his mouth sought hers blindly. She could not get it out of her mind that after being torpedoed, he had crossed the world to find her despite the continuing danger of U-boats. Her bare toes rubbed the inside of his calf as her fingers wandered slowly down his chest, stroking the hairs on it, attempting to twist them round her little finger, reassuring herself of the reality of his presence. He removed her hand and buried his head against her breasts. ‘I’ve lived this moment over and over,’ he said in a muffled voice, holding her tightly.
‘Me too,’ she whispered, her insides melting as his hand slid lower and she remembered what ecstasy making love with him could be. She wanted to cement their relationship quickly, to be joined to him. With part of her mind she was still afraid that something might go wrong to prevent them sharing that oneness they had known before he had left for Australia. For a flashing instant Rob and Abby surfaced in the front of her mind again but she dismissed them. It was God who had been her rival and Joy had played her part in keeping them from each other. Rob had lied to her. There was no need to mention Abby and spoil things.
She explored Matt’s loins, enjoying knowing it gave him pleasure, but he removed her hand and rolled her on to her back, planting kisses all over her face. Then he ventured downwards, his mouth and fingers rediscovering her body in a way it had not forgotten, and then he took her and she surrendered everything to him.
The hammering on the bedroom door fortunately came after they had collapsed in a tangle of sweaty limbs. Yet they drew apart as if caught in some illicit act.
‘Lil! Did you put the kettle on?’ yelled Ronnie’s exasperated voice. ‘I heard it whistling just before it’s bottom boiled out but I thought I must have put it on and forgotten. It’s time to rise and shine. Are you getting up?’
She struggled to sit up but Matt’s arm across her body held her down and his laughing eyes gazed into hers. ‘I’ll be with you in a minute,’ she called to Ronnie.
‘OK. But don’t hang around. I’ll do you some toast.’
‘Thanks.’
Matt’s head drew closer and their lips met in a long, leisurely kiss. ‘Forgo the toast,’ he murmured. ‘Forget the cows. We’ve got three years to make up, Lil.’
She smiled and smoothed back a lock of tawny hair that had fallen into his eyes. ‘How many nights is that?’
‘More than a thousand.’ He nuzzled her ear. ‘We’d have to be at it day and night. We’d have no time for anything else. No eating, no sleeping, no praying.’ His mouth lingered on hers. ‘No parting, no war.’
‘The war!’ A sigh escaped her. ‘Much as I’d like to stay, I have to leave you. The cows are calling as is the cockerel and there’s only me and Ronnie to see to them.’
‘Where’s Ben?’ he asked.
‘With the army in Wales. He’s seen action in France but thank God he got away.’ Reluctantly she drew away from him.
‘And Daisy?’ He watched Lily as she reached for her clothes, unable to get enough of the sight of her.
She told him about Daisy and May as she dressed.
‘Poor Daisy.’ His eyes fixed on her face. ‘Wouldn’t you have been safer at the farm? Why stay here?’
‘Ronnie was determined not to go. I couldn’t leave him alone. Besides I felt I had a duty to keep the dairy going and help where I can. As well as that I’ve no desire to live under the same roof as Aunt Dora.’
‘I’ll have to find some war work here.’ He lay with his arms folded behind his head, his eyes narrowed in thought. ‘I’ve a feeling this is where the front line is going to be for some time.’
‘That’s what Ronnie says.’ She sat on the bed and his arm slipped about her waist. He kissed her again and she realised there was a desperate anxiety behind the kiss and with a sense of shock she thought, this is wartime and on front lines people get killed! They had to snatch every moment together they could, but for now she had to milk the cows or people would not get their pinta.
Lily told Ronnie about Matt’s return as they exchanged information about the raid.
Her brother was delighted. ‘Mr Jones is the one Matt should speak to,’ he said, forcing himself between two cows. ‘He reckons we’re in for it now good and proper, and every able-bodied man is going to be needed.’
She and Matt discussed what he was going to do over a breakfast of porridge and toast. She had offered him an egg but despite her saying they weren’t short because her hens were laying he told her to give it to a child, that porridge would do nicely, adding that he would sort himself out concerning papers and war work and she was not to worry about him or change her day.
Matt did not come in for lunch. Officialdom being what it was he could be some time. There had been an appeal for blood donors so Lily went to the Royal Infirmary along with a stream of other people, some of whom could not stop talking about last night’s raid. The Customs House had been set on fire and an air raid shelter in Cleveland Square had received a direct hit. It was depressing and upsetting and she did not want to think about it. Matt was back and making love had been wonderful. She did not want to let worry, jealousy or guilt cloud her happiness, although why she should feel guilty about Rob Fraser, she did not know. It was not as if they’d done more than kiss. Even so Matt might not see it in that light and she wanted nothing to spoil their life together from now on.
Lily had put a rabbit on to stew by the time Matt arrived home that evening. ‘Did you get everything sorted out?’ she asked.
He nodded, planting a kiss on the tip of her nose as he slid his arms around her waist. ‘I managed to see the vicar. The curate’s joined the army as a chaplain. It seems I might be of some use, organising a rest centre in the church hall for the homeless, keeping their spirits up and helping them to find other accommodation. He’s already got a couple of homeless families in the curate’s house. I said I’d be all right here. He’s going to get in touch with Church House about paying me something.’
She realised he was happy. ‘It seems as if you came at the right time.’
‘So did I until I saw Frank,’ he said ruefully. ‘He was surprised to see me and doesn’t seem to think I’m good for anything.’
‘How does he make that out?’
‘He says it’s because I’ve had no civil defence training and that I’m not a practical man!’
‘That’s not true,’ she said defensively. ‘I’ve seen you change a wheel.’
‘You tell him that, my sweet.’ He hugged her against him and kissed her. ‘I told him I was prepared to drive a
n ambulance but he said I don’t know the city well enough.’
‘The rat!’ Her eyes sparkled. ‘He is getting too big for his boots. You don’t have to know the whole city and you wouldn’t be on your own! I know of typists and housewives who’ve volunteered to drive ambulances. I’ll put you in touch with the right people. I’ll show him he can’t speak to my husband like that!’
‘Thank you, Lily, but don’t let’s turn Frank into an enemy.’ He rubbed his cheek against hers and his hands wandered over her body.
‘You’re too nice,’ she said reprovingly, pressing against him. ‘This is war.’
Matt smiled. ‘But we’re not at war with Frank.’
She nodded, thinking that Frank might have hoped Matt would never return but he had, thank God, and she hoped there would be no raid tonight. But why wait until tonight? ‘How many nights did you say went into three years?’ She began to untie her apron.
In his eyes there was a wakening response. ‘We’ll never get them back, Lil.’
‘No?’ She smiled.
He swept her off her feet and carried her upstairs and she felt overwhelmingly happy despite the unasked question about Abby still lurking in the dark recess of her mind.
Chapter Thirteen
Lily felt nauseous as she slumped in a chair in front of the fire after doing the milking and serving in the shop. Just ten minutes’ rest, she pleaded with God. At six that morning she had still been working with the mobile canteen, serving tea or soup and butties to the homeless, and nurses from the nearby nurses’ home in Mill Road which had been bombed.
It was difficult to believe in a couple of days it would be the season of goodwill and peace to all men. For the last three nights wave after wave of aircraft had passed over the city, dropping incendiaries, parachute mines and high explosives. She wondered what Ben would make of so many familiar landmarks damaged or obliterated. He had managed to get leave for Christmas but Daisy had written to say she could not face the long journey home. Lily had hoped the family could all be together and with that thought in mind had asked Matt to get in touch with his Aunt Jane.
Lily need not have mentioned it to him because Matt had made up his mind to visit her, having heard that Bootle had been hit hard during last night’s raid. It was not the first time it had suffered badly because of its docks and expanse of timber yards, some of which had caught fire last night. Jane did not live so close to the docks as to make it highly dangerous but the gasworks, easily recognisable from the air, was just a short distance away. An incendiary had dropped on it at the end of summer, causing little damage, and Matt had tried to persuade Jane to leave then but she had refused to go.
Lily worried about her husband. In the last couple of months she had discovered he had a fatalistic attitude to life and death which she was unsure whether to label heroic or foolhardy, because, despite Frank’s words, Matt’s offers of help to fight fires or rescue the buried had been received with gratitude from the often overstretched services. She sometimes wondered if he enjoyed the danger because of the kind of life he had led, and part of her wished he was different. She wanted him home safe because there was something important to tell him. She tried to imagine what he would say, but it was something else they had not thought to discuss before they married. She grimaced, closed her eyes, and dozed off.
Matt came in just as Lily closed the door for lunch, but he was not alone. With him were a boy and a girl of about four years old. Their hair could have been blonde beneath the dust and tears had washed paths through the dirt on their chubby little faces. There was the acrid smell of smoke and plaster dust emanating from them and she could have wept for them, and herself. She had so wanted a few hours alone with her husband. It was three nights since they had slept together and she saw little of him during the day as he sought to comfort the bereaved and help the living. Her eyes met his above the children’s heads. He looked tired, worried, and was as dirty and smelly as the children. It was not the first time he had brought the homeless home.
She forced a smile. ‘What have you been up to? Did you find Jane?’
He shook his head. ‘I’ll tell you later.’
She felt a familiar rage and sadness, believing the worst. ‘I’ll run a bath and then I’ll make you all something to eat.’
He shook his head. ‘Food first, please, Lil, and a cup of tea. We’re starving, aren’t we, kids?’
They nodded dumbly, their eyes blank.
Lily made porridge despite the time, thinking they might not be able to manage heavier food. She wondered about their family as she half listened to Matt talking quietly. He would make a good father, she thought, as she poured cream over the porridge and spooned a dollop of Aunt Dora’s home-made raspberry jam into each bowl.
‘Now eat it all up,’ she said, setting it on the table in front of them.
The children looked at each other as if for reassurance and sank their spoons into the porridge, forcing it into their mouths. A sob burst from the boy and he gagged on the food.
Lily moved quickly. ‘Hush, hush now.’ She put an arm round him.
‘Mam used to say “Eat it all up”,’ stuttered the little girl, ‘and we can’t!’
‘You must try because your mam would want you to,’ she said gently. She glanced across the table at her husband. ‘Speak to them, Matt. Take their minds off things.’
He stared at her from beneath drooping eyelids. ‘I doubt if anything can do that. Their names are Joe and Josie, by the way.’
She smiled. ‘Try, while I find them clean clothes.’
He nodded and covered her hand with his own a moment. Tears pricked her eyelids.
She left him with the children and went over to a cupboard where she kept clothing purchased at jumble sales for such moments. As she rummaged through it, she half listened to Matt’s voice. There was something about the way he spoke of angels and heaven which was infinitely reassuring but she wondered if he still believed in what he said after the horrors seen in the aftermath of the raids.
Despite it being afternoon Lily decided a few hours’ rest would do them all good so she found clean pyjamas and put hot water bottles in beds. After the children had managed to eat most of the porridge she dumped them in the bath together and anointed their scratches and cuts before dressing them in pyjamas slightly too large for them. Then she tucked them up in her father’s old bed. She handed them a comic each and told them she’d be back soon.
After putting their clothes to soak in the sink, Lily went in search of Matt. He had bathed and was in bed, his hair curling damply on the pillow. ‘That’s probably the first sensible thing you’ve done in days,’ she murmured, starting to undress.
‘What are you doing?’ Suddenly he looked less weary as he watched her strip in the darkened room.
‘I thought you might need warming up and I want a cuddle and to talk.’ She lifted the covers and her naked hip slid against his. He pulled her close and ran a finger slowly down her spine. ‘I didn’t find Aunt Jane.’
‘You think she’s dead?’
His brows drew together and his expression was pained as if to think hurt. ‘I thought everything was all right because I could still see that toffee works chimney rearing up against the sky but nearly the whole of her street’s gone and part of those next to it. It’s a mess! I spoke to several people but nobody knew her. One ARP told me that whole areas of Bootle were evacuated weeks ago because of unexploded bombs but they were vague about exactly where which families have gone. Aunt Jane could have gone into Lancashire or she could be among the dead.’
Lily pressed against him, holding him tightly. Jane was his only blood relative and Lily could guess what the loss of her meant to him. They were silent, just comforting each other. Eventually Lily said, ‘Where did you find the children?’
He sighed heavily and rubbed his face against her shoulder. ‘They were sitting on the corner of a street just across from the toffee works with their sister. She’d been injured in the blast tha
t killed their mother. The sister told me she went back for her handbag. Apparently she shielded them from the worst when they followed her and a landmine went off right in front of the house.’ He paused, frowning. ‘They’d been told by a policeman to stay where they were, that someone would come for them. I think they’d been forgotten. Perhaps he was killed. The sister isn’t badly hurt. A slight concussion and superficial injuries. She’s in hospital and I promised I’d look after the kids until she gets out. Their father was killed at sea last June.’
‘Poor loves,’ said Lily, forcing down the lump in her throat. ‘We’ll have to do something for them. Although …’ she hesitated. ‘I don’t know how much I’ll be able to do, Matt. I’m having a baby!’ she blurted out, without meaning to do so in that manner.
He stared at her and she wondered whether he had taken in what she had said because he looked stunned more than delighted.
‘You’re not pleased,’ she murmured, pulling away from him.
He ran a hand through his hair. ‘Of course I’m pleased you’re having our child! It’s just the timing!’
They were not the words Lily had wanted to hear but she forced herself to stay calm. ‘There’s nothing I can do about the timing, Matt!’ A nervous laugh escaped her. ‘It’s God’s!’
He sat up abruptly. ‘You’ll have to get out of Liverpool, stay at the farm.’
She frowned. ‘I don’t want to stay at the farm. I want to stay here.’
‘You’re not thinking sensibly. You’ll be safe there.’
‘Oh, yes! Bombs drop in the country, you know,’ she said pettishly, not wanting to leave him.
‘Not as often as they do in the city!’ His grey eyes hardened. ‘You’ll obey me in this, Lily. I want you and the baby out of danger. We haven’t suffered too much from the bombing around here but I’ve seen what a heavy raid can do and I don’t think they’ve finished with us yet.’
She stared at him thoughtfully. ‘You’re inconsistent, Matt. You talk of God’s will and His plan. Well, if it’s God’s will I and the baby survive then we’ll survive just as well here as at the farm.’
