I made my nightly call when I got home.
“Brynn, please don’t be mad at me for coming to see you tonight. You looked as beautiful as ever. I miss you.”
I felt guilty as I thought about what Maria had said about me hurting Brynn by being a daily reminder of her pain. Maybe if I were a daily reminder of how amazing she was, she’d be more likely to communicate with me. Just maybe.
The next day I went to the theater and bought a ticket to Grease. It didn’t start until the first of December, but I was ready. I also sent a huge bouquet of flowers to Angel at Sashay. All I wrote on the card was, ‘My girl.’
I sat home the rest of the weekend and dodged calls from Gia and my Mom. I hadn’t even told Gia about Brynn and me. I lied when she asked about Brynn, telling her that she’d been really busy and I’d be sure to have her call. I couldn’t bear to tell anyone what Brynn had said to me that day when we left the airport. I couldn’t bear to say the words. Then I’d have to face the truth and I couldn’t.
I finally returned my Mom’s call Sunday evening, assuring her that I’d be there for Thanksgiving on Thursday. The thought of another holiday season alone was almost too much but I did a good job of hiding it from her. My family didn’t know anything about my relationship with Brynn, so at least I didn’t have to explain that.
***
When I met with Dr. Miller on Tuesday morning, I had no idea that it was going to be huge for me. It would test what little hope I had left for a life with Brynn. It would shove the truth I’d unknowingly been hiding deep within me out for the world to see.
We’d been working on my feelings toward Gia. Dr. Miller was adamant about it for weeks. We’d gone over the same things over and over. She was my best friend and I loved her. She’d given me back what I’d lost so long ago when I lost Gretchen. She was so much like Gretchen; sexy, bossy, and mouthy. I couldn’t see what he saw when I looked at it, until that day.
The ride home was bittersweet. I’d spent over a month denying what had been so obvious to Dr. Miller and Brynn. Yes, it was true that I loved Gia. It was true that I dropped everything when she called, and as much as I hated to admit it, I had put her first, in front of Brynn. Gia was a second chance for me. From the first second I saw her at the hotel, I was obsessed, it was true, but not in the way that Brynn thought. I was obsessed in helping her, protecting her, and spending time with her, in a way that alleviated some of the guilt I still carried over not being able to do any of those things for Gretchen.
When I lost Gretchen, I was overwhelmed with a feeling of being out of control. It was common when losing someone in a split second and not even being able to say good-bye. Through my years of downward spiral and then back to the surface with intense therapy, I’d faced and even overcome most of that out of control feeling. When I helped Gia take control of her life, it gave me a fulfilling feeling so intense that I felt unnaturally close and protective of her. I wasn’t in love with Gia. I was in love with the way she made me feel whole again.
I couldn’t believe Brynn had thrown it right in my face and I still didn’t see it. I thought about all the times I’d pushed Brynn aside when it came to Gia and I was ashamed. The only thing that kept me sane was knowing that I hadn’t done it intentionally. I called Brynn when I got home.
“Brynn, you were right about Gia. I’m so sorry. I put her needs ahead of yours on numerous occasions. I understand now why you felt the way you did. I’d love to talk with you about it, but I know you won’t call and I don’t blame you. I want you to know you were always my first choice and you still are. There’s so much more about Gia and Gretchen that I realized today with Dr. Miller. It’s amazing what I learned about myself once I shut up and listened. I’m so sorry I didn’t shut up and listen all those times when I’d disappointed you.”
I showered, ate, and called Gia. I’d been avoiding her long enough and now that I had a handle on who she really was to me, I had to confront it.
“It’s about time you called,” she said. “I was beginning to think you’d lapsed into a coma or something!”
“Sorry. It’s been a rough month.”
“Sean, what’s going on?” She was concerned.
“After you and Ethan left, Brynn broke it off with me. I haven’t talked to her since.” I heard Gia gasp. My heart was heavy.
“But you said Brynn was fine and that she was busy when I’d asked about her.”
“I lied. I’ve been trying, all this time, to get her back. I didn’t want to face the fact that she really did end it. I assumed we’d work it out.” Saying the words killed me.
“And now?”
“Now, I don’t know. I hope we still have a chance. I’m not giving up, but today I realized some things that I’d been doing to her that weren’t very nice. I don’t deserve her. She’s so pure and sweet. I hurt her.” I felt like scum. It was painful to face.
“I take it you’ve been seeing Dr. Miller?”
“Yes. Do you know that I’ve had a weird obsession with you?” I had to talk about it with her. I had to get past it.
“Yes.” I could hear her smile. “Thank god you’re dealing with this, Sean. Do you remember the conversation you and I had here when you came to visit? The one when I told you that you were just scared, and that you’d know how you really felt about me once you fell in love with someone else?”
“I remember,” I said, although I had forgotten about it because it made no sense to me at the time and I thought she was wrong.
“Was I on track?” she asked.
“Yes, right on. Gia, I never wanted a romantic relationship with you, I just wanted…you. Does that make any sense at all?” It sounded stupid.
“Actually, yeah, it does. You wanted everything I stood for, all the things I proved still existed, the things you’d shared with Gretchen. I even reminded you of her. It was perfect the way you and I helped each other, but you weren’t quite ready to fall in love again, were you? You weren’t ready for Brynn when she shot the arrow through your heart. You were still in la-la land, high off the realization that you could have it all again, but scared of losing it all again.” She knew it. She’d tried to warn me, but I was in denial.
“Exactly,” I said. “I’m sorry I did that to you. I was so confused by the way I felt about you that I couldn’t see straight. I do love you, Gia, so much. You’re closer than a sister to me, you’re a soul mate, just not the kind Brynn is. I’m in love with her so deeply. She’s all I’d ever need, and more. What am I going to do, Gia? I can’t lose her.” I cried silently as my heart ached.
“I’ll do my best to help you, Sean. Tell me everything.”
I told her about the break-up and what Brynn had said to me. I told her about the phone calls and the trips to her apartment and to Sashay. I told her everything I could remember about the last month from hell.
“Sean, have you even told her that you love her?” She was angry.
“No, I didn’t want to scare her off.”
“Jesus Christ! What the fuck is wrong with you? She’d practically begged you to tell her how you felt! Then you turn around and tell me you love me right in front of her? Fuck, she probably hates me!” She sighed a very loud, annoyed sigh. “Okay, well, I like what you’ve been doing, but since it’s been a month, you may want to switch it up a bit. I think she’s going to have some reaction to the message you left her today. At least she’ll feel like you’re working on becoming a better person and that you’ve realized what you were feeling towards me. Maybe let her think about it for a day or two. Don’t call. See what happens.”
When I got off the phone with Gia, I felt a little better. At least I’d come clean with her about everything and she said she’d try to call Brynn. I knew Brynn hadn’t been in contact with her, so she probably wouldn’t answer, but it was worth a try.
I laid low for the rest of the night and Wednesday. When I woke up Thanksgiving morning, I called Brynn for the first time since I left her the message about Gia. I was sho
cked at the three long beeps I heard.
“We’re sorry, the number you’ve dialed has been disconnected or is no longer in service…”
I hung up and dialed again. Same recording. Fuck! I sat and stared at the floor. Brynn didn’t want anything to do with me. She didn’t want any more messages from me. I couldn’t even wish her a happy Thanksgiving.
Spending the day with my parents kept me from going completely insane. I did a good job of hiding my broken heart from them. The last thing I wanted to do was talk about it and ruin an otherwise perfect day with my family.
***
I was a nervous wreck on opening night. You’d think I was the one who was about to make my big debut. I’d sent a huge bouquet to Brynn at the theater with a note that simply said “Congratulations.”
I got there two hours early and wandered around, hoping to catch a glimpse of her. There were show posters all over with pictures of Brynn and the rest of the cast. I wondered if the someone she said she’d met was one of the cast members. I immediately got the painful thought out of my mind. I had to focus on getting her back, nothing else.
I took my seat after an hour and a half of wandering. I was unsuccessful in my quest to bump into her but I knew it was a long shot from the start. I saw a group of girls that I recognized as dancers from Sashay and I wondered if they closed the club to come to the opening. I was happy that Brynn had their support.
I had nervous butterflies when the curtain opened, but as soon as I saw that innocently beautiful face, it faded away. I was in awe from her first line to her last. I’d never heard her sing before and it was as angelic as I imagined. The entire show revolved around her and the whole place fell in love with my girl. I was beyond proud of her.
***
I dreamt of her that night and almost every other night in December. I talked about the dreams with Dr. Miller and he helped me come to terms with the fact that I’d lost her. He made me realize that it was me who wasn’t ready, not Brynn, and that she’d waited for me as long as she could. I knew she’d given me several chances to get my shit together, but I didn’t come out of pause mode until it was too late. I didn’t know what I had until she was gone.
Christmas was tough, as it had been every year since I’d lost Gretchen. I stared at my Christmas tree, remembering how I’d proposed to her by the one we’d shared and then made love in front of it after she’d said yes. I smiled as I pictured her standing there, tears in her eyes while I fumbled with the ring. I’d never been so nervous and excited at the same time. My phone rang and brought me back to the present.
It was my buddy, Corey, inviting me to a New Year’s Eve bash he was having. I agreed to go, knowing New Year’s was especially hard for me and it would be a good distraction. Corey knew it, too, and I was sure he’d try to set me up with some stuck-up rich girl to ease my pain. Little did he know there was only one girl I wanted now and she sure as hell wouldn’t be at a party on Corey’s side of town.
The week between Christmas and New Year’s was slow and depressing. Every morning when I got up I tried to be positive, but within an hour or two I’d be feeling sorry for myself again. I wished I would’ve volunteered to work at the hotel during Christmas break. At least I would’ve been doing something besides unsuccessfully trying to study or daydreaming about beach days, zip-lines, and sex with Brynn.
As I headed to Corey’s, I gave myself a little pep talk. I told myself to relax and have fun. One night out didn’t mean I was giving up on getting Brynn back. It just meant I was taking a much needed break.
A couple of beers and a few old friends later, I was listening to my own advice and relaxing for the first time in months. Corey hadn’t introduced me to any girls and I was relieved.
“I actually dated someone over the summer,” I told him.
“You mean a real, live girl?” he teased.
“Yeah.” I nodded. “A smokin’ hot, real, live girl.” I took out my phone and pulled up a couple of my favorite pictures of Brynn.
“Shit, man, you ain’t kidding about the smokin’ hot part.” He passed it around to the other guys.
“Hey, isn’t that Brynn Crane?” one of them said. “Professor Crane’s daughter?”
I laughed. “No, her name’s Brynn McDonald.”
“No,” he said. “I went to grade school and junior high with her. It’s definitely Brynn Crane, just older and thinner.”
My heart raced. I thought it was going to jump out of my chest. No! It couldn’t be! I grabbed my phone and excused myself to the bathroom. I vomited and sat on the side of the tub as I stared at Brynn’s picture. I was shaking as tears ran from my eyes.
“Hey, man, you okay?” Corey knocked on the door.
“Yeah, just not feeling so hot. I’m gonna take off in a minute. Thanks for having me.” I managed to say through the door. I tried to get control of my emotions. I was a wreck as I snuck from the bathroom and out the back door.
Chapter 16
I drove a block and pulled over. I thought of Professor Crane and all he’d done for me. All the years he and his wife had been good friends with my parents and all the respect and admiration I’d had for him. He’d helped me get into a prestigious college even after the trouble I’d been into during my dark years when I’d lost Gretchen. He’d been a mentor, someone who always believed in me, and a much respected professor at another prestigious college. There was no way he could be Brynn’s father! There was no way he could’ve had a daughter I’d never known about or met. There was no way he was the kind of man Brynn talked about.
I pulled onto the road and sped to my mom and dad’s house. All the way, I tried to make sense of it. I prayed that there was some sort of misunderstanding and that it wasn’t true. How could they possibly be the same man? It didn’t make any sense!
“Mom, I need to talk to you,” I said as I stormed through the front door. Her eyes grew big as she saw my demeanor and she pulled out a chair.
“Sean, what’s wrong?” she asked softly.
“Joe and Frances, do they have any kids?”
“Yes. They have a daughter.” She looked at me oddly as my expression went from hopeful to devastated. “But something happened to her a few years ago and they don’t stay in contact anymore. What’s this about, Sean?”
“What happened to her? Mom, this is serious. I need to know everything you know about her and what happened.” I knew Brynn hadn’t lied to me. I had to know what the hell was going on.
“Honey? Come in here,” she hollered to my Dad. He joined us and Mom caught him up on our conversation.
“Her name is, uh, Brynn, yes, Brynn,” he said. My heart dropped even further. “She made some poor choices, choices that put her and her family’s life in danger. Joe and Frances had no other options but to disown her and have her change her name. They couldn’t be held responsible for her troublesome ways. You know how people get when they find out you come from money. They had to protect themselves. She was a prostitute, son. She was hanging out on the streets and living in dangerous situations with bad people.”
“Did you ever meet her?” I had to know if they knew about the way Brynn had been treated at home.
“Um, once,” he said. “She was usually at some camp or private school function. Joe and Frances always made sure she had all the opportunities. It’s hard to believe she threw that all away. It’s a shame.”
“What about the time you met her?” I was desperate for some sort of truth.
“We went to their home for a party of some sort, right, hon?” He looked at my Mom, who nodded. “She came downstairs and got something out of the fridge. One of the staff saw her and panicked. She quickly marched her back upstairs. I guess it was a little odd, but I figured maybe she was supposed to be in bed or something.” He shrugged.
“How old was she?” I asked.
“Probably about twelve or thirteen. She was cute. A bit chubby, but cute.”
“She was a teen and she got ushered back upstairs to bed? R
eally?” I was angry. I knew my parents thought the world of Joe and Frances, but I knew they weren’t seeing the real Cranes.
“What’s going on, Sean?” Mom asked.
“I met her.” I took a deep breath and sat up straight as I held my head high. “I’ve been dating her. She’s amazing. She wasn’t a prostitute; she was a virgin.”
“Was?” Mom’s eyes were big.
“Yes, was. She was also neglected by Joe and Frances. The staff was her family. She didn’t go to camp or prestigious private school functions. She was home and alone most of the time, even on holidays. She left when she turned eighteen with nothing but a duffel bag and the clothes on her back!” I was fired up with the facts as I knew them.
“Sean, you need to calm down! We’ve known the Cranes for fifteen years. You’ve known Brynn for a few months, and from what we know of her past, do you really think everything she’s told you is true?” Dad said.
“No. I know it is.” Tears ran down my face as I defended my girl.
“Sean.” Mom took my hand. “Your Dad and I are willing to sit and listen to the whole story before we rush to judge Brynn.” She gave my Dad ‘the look.’ “I’m going to make you some cocoa.” I smiled at her and nodded.
“Your Mom’s right,” Dad said when she left the room. “We’re here for you and will help get all of this straightened out.”
We talked, rang in the New Year, and talked some more. It was a comfort to be there with them, telling them everything I knew about Brynn and her past, reliving falling in love with her as they listened. It surprised them that I hadn’t mentioned Brynn before, but I explained that she was hesitant about meeting family too soon, and then the fact that I’d been in pause mode for a while after that. They were thrilled that I’d met someone and they could tell how much I loved her, but it was bittersweet for them, knowing there would need to be some sort of confrontation between Professor Crane and me. It didn’t matter whether Brynn and I had a relationship in the future or not. I was going to confront him and they knew it. I had to stand up for Brynn. I had to be the voice she’d never had. Someone to tell her parents how lucky they were to have her and how they were mistaken about what they believed she’d become.
Sean Page 22
