by L. B. Dunbar
“The goal is to have someone love my sister as she deserves. An adult-someone which is different than having a child love her.”
I get what he’s saying, and I agree, but that someone isn’t me. That’s not what she wants from me. I could joke about her need for a sperm donor, but I can’t find the humor in the thought nor do I think Ben will appreciate such a thing said about his sister.
“Look, I’ll be whatever she wants me to be. If she wants me hands off, I’ll keep my hands off.”
“Seems a little too late for that,” Ben mocks, lining up for his swing.
“If she needs money or wants support, I’ll give what I can.” The statement does not make my rivaling emotions settle any better. Do I really want to just throw cash at her and walk away from a child, my child?
“Not really a glowing recommendation.” Ben swings and watches as his golf ball takes off.
“What do you want me to do?”
Ben peers back at me, squinting his eyes in the bright sunlight. “I want you to stay away from my sister.” There isn’t much bark behind the biting words, though, and his shoulders fall. “But Anna’s been pushing that it be one of you guys. She thought it should be Mason.”
“Why?” I question. “Why Mason?”
“She’s worried he’s lonely. She probably thought he’d sleep with Autumn, and he’d fall in love with her, like my sister has something magical between her legs.”
“Don’t talk about your sister like that,” I snap. Ben watches me, brows arching at the aggression in my tone.
“Well, I’m not certain how to explain it without being totally grossed out myself. Still, Anna thought any of you would be better than some random sperm donation because at least we’d know the history of the father.”
Autumn hasn’t mentioned artificial insemination in all the conversations where her baby-making decision has come up, so I assumed the list was her plan. I don’t like the idea of her baby’s father being someone random or coming from a frozen test tube. She’s beautiful enough to get a man to sleep with her, and I’m a willing volunteer at the moment.
“What happens when this doesn’t work? She isn’t going to get pregnant after one time,” Ben questions.
My head lowers as it’s already been three. “It only takes once.”
“Don’t talk like you’re the poster child for sex education.” Ben’s voice turns bitter as he leans on his golf club. “It could take months for this to happen. You’re only here until the following weekend, and then what? Back to Indiana for you.”
And she moves onto the next guy. The thought churns in the pit of my stomach.
“I don’t know what’s next,” I admit, squinting off at the end of the fairway, avoiding his questioning gaze. I keep telling myself I don’t need to think about what’s next because Autumn only wants what’s now. She only wants the effect, but not the cause itself. The truth is, I could easily fall for her, but she doesn’t want that, and I’m not about to admit my conflicting feelings to Ben.
“I don’t even know how she thinks she’s going to be a single mother and run her business. She works all the time, hardly taking time for herself.”
I might agree. I’d had the same thought, but Autumn seems capable, and as having a baby is a priority, I also think she’ll work out what she needs to do in order to parent. While I didn’t have to do such a thing when Lorna was a baby, I’ve certainly had to re-arrange my life now as I co-parent. It’s manageable.
“She says she has you and Anna for support,” I tell Ben, turning back to him. He shakes his head, lowering his face to glance at his feet.
“Yeah, well, that’s not a solution.” Suddenly, I feel like we’re back to the second half of the conversation this morning in the hallway where there were hints of Ben having a less than perfect life. Admittedly, no one has it stellar. We’ve all had money concerns, or marital issues, but out of the four of us, Ben has it the most together.
“Is something going on with you and Anna? Paradise is still intact, right?” I question, wondering if this is one of those rare moments for him.
“Yeah. Anna and I are fine.” He looks up and stares down the fairway as I had.
“Good, because I need to believe true love does exist, even if it isn’t for me,” I tease. Ben softly chuckles.
“Who says you can’t have love?”
I stare back at him. “Dude, divorced guy. Already tried that, and it didn’t work.” I like to think I loved Chloe, and I’m certain I did. I always will in some ways, as she mothered my child. But true love? Yeah, I’m not so confident in that concept because if true love were the case, Chloe would have loved me in return no matter what.
“Doesn’t mean it can’t happen again.” Ben pauses, peering back at me. “Or for the first time. Maybe for real this time.”
If Ben’s implying I’d love his sister, or she’d love me, he is living in a dreamland. This is just sex. We don’t even live in the same state, plus I’m already a father, and Autumn doesn’t want a dad for her kid. She wants a man to father one with her, and that’s it.
“Ben, I don’t need your permission. Or I should say, your sister doesn’t. She’s a grown woman. It’s her body, and she can do what she wants with it.”
“Please, spare me the details.” He holds up a hand.
“But I’d still like your blessing to give this a try with her, for her.”
“If it works,” he mutters, pausing a second before speaking next. “I’m not saying I approve of this method, but if I had to choose between you and Mason, my bet would be on you. I love you both, but you’re the better fit for her.”
His words surprise me, and I recall what Autumn said about thinking I was made for her as a teenager. Does Ben know she had a crush on me? Am I the only idiot when it came to Autumn’s feelings?
“Why?” I ask. Why me?
“Because deep down, I know you’re the best of men. You’ll do the right thing, if necessary, and you aren’t really taking advantage of my sister. Plus, you’re reliable, respectable, and reasonable.”
Jeez. Why doesn’t he just say I have a good personality?
“What I’m most worried about is the practice it takes to get pregnant. It’s never just sex. Someone is going to get hurt.” Ben subtly taps his chest, indicating his heart.
“No one’s going to be hurt. We both know what we’ve gotten into.” That’s actually not one-hundred percent true, though. I hadn’t planned on all the emotions I have rolling around inside me or the way she makes me feel when we’re together. I’m alive in a way I’ve never been. She makes me feel . . . like a new kind of weight has been lifted. I’m free yet whole, which doesn’t make any sense to me.
“We can never know anything for certain,” he says, sounding cryptic once more. Zack calls out to us, waving a hand for us to hurry up, and Ben walks away, leaving me wondering what he meant.
15
[Autumn]
My body hums with nervous energy after this morning’s altercation in the hallway. I don’t know why Ben said what he said, other than he doesn’t believe in me. I’m the flighty, little sister who can’t find a man. While I’m smart enough to manage our father’s business for years, and then open my own, I’m not sensible enough to make an intelligent decision for myself, my body, and my needs. Ben can really piss me off even though I love him.
The idea of a day in the sun does not sound like a good plan to me. I don’t have the wherewithal to sit still and chat with Anna, but I can’t leave Anna as she’s suddenly responsible for all the children again. Mila and Lorna. Oliver and Trevor. Bryce and Calvin have been relieved of kid duty as Calvin has a job working for the local location of Kulis Landscaping. Bryce was allowed to hang with some kids he knew in the area. Both boys will be making new friends come fall. When the two weeks at Lakeside Cottage are complete, Anna and Ben plan to return to their home to pack up the house. It’s already on the market with some eager interest.
To add to my dismay, my m
other arrives once we settle on the beach. “I just want a little time with my grandchildren,” she announces.
Anna and I lock eyes. My mother is here on a fishing expedition and not the kind that involves a hook and a pole.
“How are the boys?” she asks, helping herself to a chair.
“Calvin and Bryce, or do you mean Ben and friends?” Anna asks of her mother-in-law, knowing how to play the game with her.
“Let’s start with the older set.”
“They’re all hungover and paying the price by golfing.” Satisfied that walking a golf course in the day’s heat is punishment for yesterday afternoon’s behavior, Anna huffs.
“Is Ben okay?” Our mother has never hovered over Ben as she does over me, mainly because she trusts Anna to keep him in line. I’m the problem child. Still, I understand her current concern.
“He’s fine,” Anna lies, not wanting to worry my mother. “He’s having the time of his life with these guys, and that’s all that matters.” Her firm tone brooks no argument from my mother, who actually thought getting the guys together would be good for the soul.
“And how are my girls?”
“Do you mean Lorna and Mila?” I ask, teasing my own mother. She’s taken on Lorna as her pseudo-grandchild as Logan doesn’t have living parents.
“Well, them too, but how are you two holding up?”
“Everything is under control, Ruthie,” Anna addresses my mother. She never quite got the hang of calling my mother Mom as she had her own until a few years ago.
“That’s my girl,” Mom directs at Anna, having adopted her as a second daughter. Then Mom turns to me. “And how are you?”
“I’m good,” I admit, finding it very true despite all the morning’s hullabaloo in the hallway. I feel amazing.
“You have a certain glow about you today,” she adds, eyeing me, and for half a second, I feel like a teen again, wondering if my mother knows I had sex last night. “Still thinking about having a baby?”
“Uh, Mom, I can’t talk about this right now.” I gaze over at the four kids digging in the sand. Using them as my excuse, I dismiss a conversation I don’t want to have with my mother today, tomorrow, or months from now. It’s not her business, although I’m certain she’ll have plenty to say about it.
“You should sleep with Mason.”
“Mom!” I shriek. “Weren’t you the one saying as long as Mason isn’t the father.”
She waves a dismissive hand at me. “What? He’s good looking, and we know he’s virile.” My mother wiggles her brows, and Anna snorts.
“Mother!”
“I’m just suggesting that if you’re going to shack up with someone to make a baby, at least pick a beautiful looking man as well as one sexually appealing and strong.”
“This is not happening.” I glare at Anna because if she hadn’t opened her mouth, Mason wouldn’t have opened his.
“I’m sorry,” my sister-in-law mouths to me, but at this point, she can beg forgiveness to the end of time.
“I’m going to help the kids build a sandcastle.” Pushing off my chair, I walk over to Oliver and Trevor. They have the energy to burn as do I suddenly, and I follow their lead to dig in the sand. Eventually, we walk along the beach and play in the water, splashing around as though I’m a kid myself. Thankfully, my mother disappears while I’m walking the boys down the shore.
Trevor is the wilder one of the two boys, while Oliver is a bit tinier than his twin. Once we leave the refreshing lake, Oliver shivers, and I wrap him in a towel, tugging him to me to warm him up. Settling in a chair, I pull the boy onto my lap, and he tucks his head against my shoulder. With an arm stroking up his back, he snuggles into me.
“When did she leave?” I question of my mom’s absence.
“A while ago. She said she had a lunch engagement.” Anna’s been reading a book but closes it with a snap. We’re silent for a second, and I decide I might as well get this conversation over with.
“I suppose Ben told you,” I mutter, not wishing to disturb the little one on my lap.
“Told me what?” she questions, glancing over at me. Usually, I’m good at reading Anna, so I can’t tell if she’s pretending—acting as if she doesn’t know anything—or if she really doesn’t know what happened this morning.
“I just assumed . . .” As Anna stares at me, she shifts in her seat.
“Well, now you really need to tell me.” Her eyes drift to Oliver on my lap, and I realize we aren’t in a position to discuss anything in detail. However, Anna has this way of having a cryptic conversation. She says you develop it as a mother, and I better learn the language if I plan to be one.
“Logan and I . . .” I wave a hand around my midsection. Anna’s eyes widen.
“What about Mason?” she questions.
“It was never going to be Mason.” I laugh, jostling Oliver, who is out like a light, and I shift him over my lap for more comfort.
“Why Logan?” Anna isn’t asking to be facetious. She’s truly curious why I chose him over Mason the manwhore. The virile, sexually appealing one, as my mother called him.
“I’ve always had a crush on Logan. We had this silly misunderstanding back when he was in college, but I’ve never really lost the infatuation with him.”
“What happened in college?” Anna asks, concerned.
“I might have . . .”—I check that Oliver isn’t listening—“tried to kiss Logan at a party and he rejected me.”
Anna’s brows lift. “I can’t imagine Logan ever rejecting anyone. He isn’t desperate but he also wasn’t the one girls went for first. In fact, Logan really struggled because once a girl met Mason, nine times out of ten, she’d go for Mason instead.”
Not liking the comparison, my lips purse. “Well, I never wanted Mason more than Logan.” My thoughts drift back to the incident with Logan and his dismissal of that night. His negative comments about the fat girl wanting his sausage. His humor was his coping mechanism and I’m sad at the thought he needed to protect himself. He was a great man, and any girl would have been lucky to handle his sausage back in college.
“If you have feelings for Logan, are you sure this is a good idea?” Anna asks. I’m still waiting for her shock or disapproval of my intentions to have a baby.
I thought it was a phase, Ben’s words rang through the closed bathroom door loud and clear this morning.
“It’s what I want,” I whisper, leaning forward and pressing a kiss to Oliver’s little head. He’s more than a baby, but these are the moments I want in life with my own child. The sense of security and comfort this wild child must feel with me as he’s crashed out on my lap.
“And what does Logan want?” Anna glances off toward the lake water, and I turn my head enough to see Lorna dancing in the waves with Mila.
“He’s been more than willing to participate,” I joke, but a bitter lump forms in my throat. Logan already has a child who adores him, and he worships her. Will he really be okay with giving me a child and walking away? I could never ask him to stay with me. Suddenly, I’m wondering if we’ve made a mistake. If I’ve made a mistake, allowing Logan to have sex with me for a baby. Maybe I should have asked Bert the vet, propositioning someone I don’t know half as well as I know Logan. Logan is someone too close to our group, and I’ve brought him even closer to me. “Do you think I’m doing the wrong thing?”
“I think you’re an adult and can do what you want. Just make certain you’re doing it for the right reasons.”
And what are those reasons? I don’t need to ask her. She can’t answer because she was married when she had children. She was younger. She doesn’t understand the burning desire I have now as I’m growing older. The fear I might have missed opportunities in my past, and the concern I might not have other chances in the future. I need to do things my way, which is this way.
“I’m keeping everything in perspective,” I say as if that’s an answer to her statement. Anna nods, opening her book once more, and I’m reli
eved our conversation is finished. I have much to think about, but for now, I close my eyes and let the sun heat my face.
I’m not certain how much time passes before I hear a male voice.
“How did you get him to do that?” The quiet question flips my lids open. Disoriented as I’d been dozing, I follow Zack’s gaze to his son on my lap. He’s still asleep against me.
“I don’t know,” I whisper, not wanting to wake him but finding my neck aches from the position I’ve been resting in.
“Let me take him,” Zack says as the other guys circle our messy setup on the beach. Chairs, coolers, and towels cover feet of the sand. Mason has a spike ball game in his hand, and Logan carries a football with a case of beer. Ben brings up the rear, looking exhausted.
“I’ve got him.” Leaning forward, I press a kiss to Oliver’s head. The little boy snuggles deeper into me.
“Well, I’m jealous,” Logan says, falling directly into the sand beside my seat. He stares off at the water as if he didn’t speak to me.
“Of what?” I mutter.
“A six-year-old,” he teases, glancing over his shoulder at the little boy resting against me. I’d ask about his day or their golf game, but a strange tension surrounds the guys, and I don’t want to trigger any conversations revolving around this morning. I just want to sit still and hold this boy.
“Spike ball. Who’s in?” Mason calls out, and Logan presses up off the sand at my silence. Anna glances over at me, noting Oliver still on my lap.
“It’s a nice look for you,” she says.
“What is?”
“A child on your lap and a man interested in you.” Tears prickle my eyes. It isn’t fair as neither the boy nor the man are mine.
+ + +
Coming out of my bedroom after dinner, I have a book in hand as a decoy. I’m hoping to head to the landing for some quiet after a busy afternoon and another chaotic meal. The guys seem restored to their old selves after a rousing game of spike ball on the beach and beers with burgers for dinner. Ben and Zack are taking all the younger kids into town for ice cream, giving Anna a break for a bit.
