by Abby Ayles
“No, you are being inconsiderate of my needs, of your own children and I... I sometimes believe I married the wrong woman,” John said coldly.
“Well perhaps I married the wrong man,” Cecilia replied.
Silence fell. Antoinette was not sure if she ought to go back to her room before either Cecilia or John stormed out of their bedroom. But they did not. Instead, she could hear them speaking again, now in lower voices.
“I am sorry,” John said. “I did not mean to say that. You are the right woman for me. Through thick and through thin. I may place a few too many demands on you, and that might scare you away, but all I want is for you and our children to live the life of luxury you deserve.”
There was another pause before Cecilia replied. “I am also sorry. I have been selfish. But I am scared. We worked so hard to create what we had and it all came collapsing down so suddenly. And then at a time when I needed you, you were just... spending.”
“Had I known it was bothering you I would not have done such a thing. I figured you were sad because of the loss of our wealth,” John replied.
“No... I thought it was part of my anger too for a while. But this time here with my family has made me see that you are doing your best for me. And... and even if we have nothing, I will still love you,” she insisted. “I was wrong to leave. We ought to be together, and fight this as a family.”
As their voices grew lower, Antoinette got up and sneaked back to her room. This was not what she had expected. But in some ways it was turning her thoughts on their head.
She had wanted to do what was right for her family, largely based on what her sister had told her. She had been afraid of ending up like Cecilia: disappointed in life and a burden on their family. But now she saw the nuances to her sister's situation. It was not a case of black and white, where one person was in the right and the other in the wrong, or where one action was just and the other was inappropriate. In marriage she should not have to sacrifice all she was for her husband, or for her family. But neither should she be able to demand complete freedom at her husband's expense. It was give and take between two imperfect humans, trying their best to do the right thing and be happy.
Antoinette sat on the edge of her bed. She knew now what Mary had meant when she had said that fate would decide. And fate was deciding.
Sir Dodge, and all her lesser suitors, had been swept away by the tides of good fortune, protecting her from a surely terrible marriage to someone completely inappropriate for her.
But now she was left with two men, and fate had not yet decided which she would be allowed.
Her heart and soul were set on Mr. Perry. But he was not hers to claim. Not yet. Nothing was set in stone between him and Lucy, of course. Not until the vows had been exchanged. However he was still largely interested in Lucy, and their union would be favourable to both of them. Meanwhile, Antoinette and Mr. Perry marrying could have disastrous consequences for both.
Besides, she was engaged to marry Duke Godwin. Which, although also not set in stone, was almost so. After all, she could not exactly turn a Duke away for a... nobody. The whole of proper society would be against her. If he were above Duke Godwin, or even his equal, there would be some sympathy. But if she were to chase after Mr. Perry she risked becoming a pariah. No... it was too late.
A knock at the door startled her. “Just a minute,” she said, making an effort to sound ill, but also hastily make her way back into the bed. She needed to keep up the impression, if for no other reason than to protect herself from the awkwardness of having to admit to her lie. After all, it was not as though she would be putting on the act for Duke Godwin...
“Come in,” she finally said once she was buried under the covers. She had expected Duke Godwin to have returned. Or her mother to be paying her a visit. Or for her sister and brother in law to be standing there, ready to tell her the good news of their reconciliation.
But it was Mr. Perry.
She felt the heat rising to her face and averted her gaze. “Back so soon?” she asked.
“Yes,” Mr. Perry replied. “I was on my way into town when I bumped into Duke Godwin. He said your illness had suddenly taken over you again. Something to do with being exposed to too much cold and damp air. He asked me to come and stay with you a while.”
“I am so glad you could make it,” she said. And she genuinely meant it. Whereas her supposed fiancé could only think of his wedding plans and of passing her care onto someone else, Mr. Perry was more than willing to change the course of his entire day to keep her company.
“You do not look so terribly ill,” Mr. Perry commented.
Antoinette blushed. “I am not terribly ill,” she confessed. “I did not want to spend any more time with Duke Godwin. And I was testing him a little too...”
“Did he pass the test?” Mr. Perry asked with a faint smile.
She shook her head.
Mr. Perry's smile fell. “Oh... I suppose he is a good choice nevertheless?”
“He is practically my only choice, but as far as having no choice goes, this is by far the best lack of choice to have.”
“You are indeed most fortunate,” Mr. Perry said.
“You are more so,” she replied. “I did not need the help of Duke Godwin anywhere near as much as you needed the support of the Fitzroys.”
“I have actually come across some good fortune,” he said with a slight shrug. “I intended to tell you in the garden, but... I suppose I did not wish to do so in front of Duke Godwin. It's not absolutely certain yet, of course, but good news is good news and I needed to tell someone... You may need to be calling me Duke Perry from now on.”
Antoinette blinked and paused. She looked into his eyes. He was not lying. “Did you say 'Duke'?”
“Well, it's not confirmed. But do you recall how I was handling some estates belonging to my deceased uncles? It turns out one of them had married a woman who was the only child of the Duke of Devonshire. When she passed away during labour they left no heir of their own. But the Duke of Devonshire has, himself, passed on since my uncle's death and unless they can find a direct descendant or a living sibling of the late Duke's... I may be a Duke.”
Antoinette gasped. “That is most wonderful news! I am so pleased for you. If it does come to pass,” she added hastily, tapping her wooden bed post.
“I shall hear back in the next few days. Or the next month, by January at the latest.” He drew a deep breath, as though trying to calm himself. “I have not told anyone else yet, of course. I must wait until I know for sure. Makes a bit of a difference from the few pounds I thought I would be inheriting.”
Antoinette was in awe. And yet... “I suppose Lucy would be a very happy girl, becoming a Duchess so suddenly,” Antoinette said. “Well, when she finds out. If it happens. Nevertheless she must be glad that you are inheriting some money. It takes the pressure off her family.”
“I actually... I have not told her about either thing,” Mr. Perry confessed.
“You have not?” Antoinette asked. “Why not? I thought you were going to ask for her hand in marriage. Surely it would count in your favour if her parents knew–”
“I have not asked for her hand,” Mr. Perry interrupted sheepishly. “I have been reluctant to take any action at all, as things stand.”
“Oh, you are waiting for the news before you decide? So that you have greater leverage?” Antoinette asked.
“Not exactly...” Mr. Perry replied, averting his gaze, his face blushing bright red.
“Then why?” she asked. Although she had a sneaking suspicion she knew the answer already.
“Would you like to marry me, Antoinette?” Mr. Perry asked.
“But... I am engaged to marry Duke Godwin,” Antoinette replied.
“An engagement is as easily made as broken,” Mr. Perry insisted.
“Not one to a Duke,” Antoinette argued. “It may be all well and good to break up an engagement to a simple shoemaker, or a doctor, or even a soldier. But
with the amount of clout a Duke wields, I would need to be marrying someone far more important than him. Otherwise I could be ostracised, my family's business could be sabotaged... I am at risk if I insult him by eloping with a, pardon the term, lesser man.”
“I suppose you know the Duke of Devonshire has somewhat more influence than the Duke of Hamilton,” Mr. Perry replied.
Antoinette looked at her hands and sighed. “But you are not the Duke of Devonshire. Not yet, at any rate. You are Mr. Perry.”
Mr. Perry hesitated and then reached out, laying his hand over hers. She knew she ought to pull it away, but she did not. “What if... what if we stall our respective weddings?” he suggested. “At least until I know whether or not I shall inherit the title.”
“I... I am not sure I can,” Antoinette replied.
“Pardon my forwardness, but... you love me, do you not?” Mr. Perry asked.
Antoinette felt her face flush again and clenched her fist. She could not answer that. It would be wrong. It would mislead him. It was too soon...
“I love you,” Mr. Perry continued in a low voice. “I have loved you a long time, Antoinette. I would do anything to make you happy.”
Antoinette sighed. “If you would do anything to make me happy... then leave. Leave me alone, do not visit, do not write to me. If you become a Duke, then return and we may be able to discuss marriage.”
“When does Duke Godwin intend to marry you?” Mr. Perry asked.
“Some time before Christmas. Or after, but before the new year,” she replied, still avoiding his gaze.
“Please, buy us some time,” he insisted, “persuade him to delay the wedding until after Christmas. By then I ought to know if I shall be a Duke, and I will have all my paperwork in order. Then you can make your choice.”
Antoinette knew what she ought to say... but she also knew what she wanted to. And sometimes you needed to ask for what you wanted. “I will make sure that we are not wed before the new year,” she said. “I am ill, remember?”
Mr. Perry grinned and, as she looked up into his eyes, he leaned in, pressing his lips against hers in a brief, tender kiss. “Thank you,” he whispered.
Chapter 35
Antoinette was in complete shock. That was just... plain inappropriate. It was uncivilized. She was engaged. He was soon to be engaged. She was in her bed, the door wide open so anyone could have seen. She leaned in and kissed him back, feeling her heart beating hard and fast in her chest.
As their lips parted the second time, Antoinette, face glowing red, turned and looked away. She heard Mr. Perry sigh softly and, out of the corner of her eye, saw he was blushing and smiling. She smiled too. She needed this. She needed his love and his touch. His company alone would not do and she had been a fool to think it would.
She would stall for as long as she possibly could. That way she had at least a chance of ending up with Mr. Perry legitimately. But sitting there, having felt his lips on hers, she knew there was no going back.
“You ought to leave,” she said softly.
“I shall. But I shall not stay away. I wish to visit you.”
Antoinette paused, then shook her head. “No, that cannot be. Not after all we have just said, all that has happened... we must endeavour not to see one another in private at all. And in public as little as possible.”
Mr. Perry fell silent, stood up, and adjusted his coat. “Very well... I shall visit your parents tomorrow,” he replied.
Antoinette felt her jaw drop as he walked out the door. That was the most confident, the most decisive she had ever seen Mr. Perry. And, irritated though she was at his blatant disregard for her concerns, she found it exciting to see how passionate he was about her. He was willing to risk being discovered, to put their entire plan in jeopardy, just to spend more time with her.
She hoped that it would all work out. That he would become a Duke, that Duke Godwin could be dismissed without too much bad blood.
Lucy.
Antoinette felt a pang of guilt. Lucy... Mr. Perry may have no true love for Lucy, but it was clear that Lucy was, however, still infatuated with Mr. Perry. Lucy believed he was the greatest man she had ever met, unparalleled, that she would never encounter someone she could possibly love so much. Of course, Lucy was naïve, and wrong about many things. But that did not change the fact that she was in love with Mr. Perry, or at least with her own impression of Mr. Perry. And for Antoinette and Mr. Perry to marry would hurt her deeply.
Hurting Duke Godwin was one thing. Antoinette knew him well enough to understand that his expectations of her as a wife were not at all reflective of who she was as a human. She knew that he would be just as miserable as her in that marriage eventually. But to hurt Lucy...
Lucy was a gentle soul. She was sweet and kind and naïve. And just because she did not understand Mr. Perry did not mean she was not capable of loving him. It was entirely possible that even after he opened up, even as she got to know him, Lucy would have fallen even further in love with him. And Antoinette was about to deprive her of that.
“Are you alright? You look quite... morose,” Lady Byrd said from the doorway, causing Antoinette to jump in her skin.
She shook her head. “Why does life have to be so complicated, mother?” she asked quietly.
“It simply is,” Lady Byrd replied, walking over to her daughter's bedside. “But it does not need to be complex in a bad way. Often the things we consider the most convoluted and confusing are the most beautiful at their core. What is troubling you?”
Antoinette sighed. She felt compelled to tell her mother everything. But... could she?
All along, she had feared her mother. She had respected her, and looked up to her, of course. Lady Byrd was exactly the sort of woman she had always wanted to be as a child. But nevertheless she had feared her. Her parents had never been particularly strict, they had never punished her in a way that had left her reeling with physical or emotional pain, they had always given her cause to trust and love them. But precisely in that she had found fear.
She had been afraid of their social power. Of their place above her. Of their ability to enact restraint when she would not, to use good judgement when she could not, to make the right decision when she did not. They had been the parents, and she had been the little child.
But now, looking up into Lady Byrd's understanding eyes, Antoinette felt a different emotion. She was no longer a little girl. She understood about restraint and good judgement and making tough decisions. She had done much of this already. She was the adult now. And she had no reason to fear her mother's adulthood.
Instead, she felt her mother's overwhelming love radiating outwards, embracing her, uplifting her. She had done well to get so far on her own. But to want to cling to secrecy and independence, even at a time like this, was still a childish thing. If she truly wished to transcend as a woman and mature, she had to acknowledge that sometimes it was not a bad thing to rely on others, or to trust them.
“I... I believe I am in love with Mr. Perry,” she said. She felt the anticipated stab of fear and guilt as she said this. But she also felt an immense relief, as though a huge stone had been lifted from her shoulders.
“I know,” Lady Byrd replied.
Antoinette looked up into her mother's loving eyes. “I suppose... I knew you knew,” she said with a meek smile.
“It was pretty obvious, you two,” Lady Byrd continued. “But... it is a difficult situation. And one which, had you been able to handle it alone, might have been for the best.”
Antoinette shook her head. “No, it is not difficult. It was. But it is not any more. For now.”
Lady Byrd raised an eyebrow.
“Mr. Perry has said he might inherit a Duchy. The Duchy of Devonshire. If he does not, then neither he nor I would gain anything from marrying one another, and we would do best to never meet again,” she elaborated.
From her eyes Antoinette could tell that every word was being taken in and scrutinized.
�
�If he does inherit the Duchy, then it would be no great insult to Duke Godwin for me to break off our engagement in favour of a more powerful Duke. He may be heartbroken, but it would not much affect his status, and he would not need to retaliate against us,” Antoinette concluded.
Lady Byrd paused, and when Antoinette said no more, she uttered four words: “And what of Lucy?”
Antoinette sighed. “That is why I said there is no difficulty for now... I believe Lucy is still deeply in love with Mr. Perry. And I fear that she may never stop loving him.”
“Does he love her?” Lady Byrd replied.
“No, but... he was considering her as a marriage prospect because she is his best opportunity in his present situation. And I fear that realization will hurt her as well. She... She has not been fortunate yet. She has not had much experience. I do not wish to disillusion her so suddenly,” Antoinette said with another deep sigh.
Lady Byrd sat back in her chair and hummed to herself a little as she mulled the situation over. Antoinette felt as though she were waiting for her fortune to be told. She sat dead still, anticipating her mother's next words.
“You and Mr. Perry love one another, do you not?” Lady Byrd asked.
Antoinette nodded.
“And both of you are considering a marriage for more practical purposes should this Duchy not be rightfully his?” she continued.
Antoinette nodded again.
“Then I suppose the only solutions are to either keep Lucy in the dark, as with Duke Godwin, until such a time as you know what to do next... or for him to gently dissuade her, so that the severance is not so harsh should he become Duke,” Lady Byrd concluded.
“Is there no way of sparing her feelings?” Antoinette asked.
“There is never a way of sparing someone's feelings,” Lady Byrd replied. “Feelings happen. They change. They get hurt. Such is life. Were she to marry him, eventually she would find out about your love, or his true motives for marrying her, and her feelings would be hurt then too.”
