by Jaxon, Andi
24
Logan
I have no destination in mind, I just get in and start driving. I can still hear Katie’s sobs ringing in my ears. I am glad she has people to be there for her, to help her through this mess I made of everything. It’s one thing to ruin my own life, but to bring her down with me is unforgivable. This is the exact reason why I didn’t want to come back, I should have just left her alone.
I can’t stay here. The one thing I’m good at is running, so it’s time to start running again.
I reach over and grab my phone off the passenger seat to make a call,
“Hello?” LT responds groggily.
“Sorry to call you so late, sir, but I needed to let you know that I need to cash in some emergency leave dates. I have personal matters to take care of.”
I hear rustling on the other end of the phone.
“Cowboy, this doesn’t have anything to do with Katie, now does it? Is everything alright with you two?”
I can feel the tears beginning to well in my eyes once again, the knot in my throat choking me. I pull in a deep breath, trying to hold them at bay.
“No sir, I just need some personal time before the mission. If I’m even still here when you fly out.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?!”
I sigh before I answer, “What it means is, I’m putting in for an immediate transfer.”
“Logan, I know your history. You have volunteered for every mission possible. Only a man that’s running from something does something like that. Let me give you some advice, take a few days of leave but don’t make any decisions until you have had a chance to clear your head.”
I want to think that a few days will help Katie see things differently, but no one saw the look in her eyes or the way she recoiled from my touch. At this point, I revolt her, there is no manner of begging that will fix this. I have broken any trust that we had, I may have even broken Katie.
“I want nothing more than a few days to make everything magically right with the world, but that just won’t cut it. I’m a realist, sir.”
“How about this, I’m not signing any transfer papers until after this mission. So, you’re going on this mission, with your team, whether you like it or not. If you still want to turn tail and run when we get back, then so be it.”
I sigh in defeat, “Yes, sir.”
“Be sure to report back to base no later than 0700 Tuesday morning.”
Before I am even able to respond, I’m greeted by a dial tone. That went well. Nothing better than pissing your commanding officer off right before a mission.
It’s not that I don’t agree with what he’s saying, but I know deep down that nothing can be done to salvage the relationship between Katie and me. I fucked up, plain and simple. I’ll be damned if I watch her move on and be happy with some SOB, not again. I can only survive a broken heart once in a lifetime, but at least this time she won’t be making off with my best friend.
* * *
As the sun begins to rise I find myself nearing MCAS Miramar, subconsciously I must have known what I needed to do. There’s someone I need to apologize too for this colossal fuck up, and it isn’t Katie. The only thing Ryan ever asked of me was to protect Katie and love her unconditionally. What he wasn’t banking on was having to protect her from me.
After checking in on base, I head right for the veteran’s cemetery. I haven’t been here since I first returned to San Diego, this visit has been long overdue. I pull up to the curb and park near Ryan’s grave, but I find myself unable to move. What do you say to the one person that trusted you with their most prized possession, but you destroyed it and any hopes of putting it back together? How can I beg for his forgiveness, when I don’t know if I’ll be able to forgive myself?
The pain of losing both my best friend and the only woman I have ever loved is starting to become more than I can bear. I can’t breathe from the weight on my chest. The anger I feel at myself for keeping this secret for so long, at Katie for not letting me explain, and even at Ryan for stealing her from me in the first place, is welling up inside me needing to be released.
I ball my fists at my side as I begin to shake with anger, angry tears begin to pool in my eyes. I let out a pain filled yell, hoping all the anger and anguish will leave my body with the sound. When they don’t give me relief, I grab my cell and throw it against the windshield watching it shatter into pieces and cracking the glass. I look around for something or someone else to break so they can feel this pain and anger I am feeling right now. This is irrational, I know, but I can’t shake the pain and rage that’s consuming me.
I can’t stay here any longer, or I’ll combust. I’m not ready to apologize, I know that now. I need to deal with all these emotions before I can think of asking anyone’s forgiveness.
I take a few cleansing breaths to try to calm myself down. When I’m sure I can move without pounding someone’s face in, I put my truck in drive.
25
Katie
“You break my heart, but you can’t answer your damn phone when I call!” I scream at my cell before throwing it into the passenger seat. I have been searching for Logan, unsuccessfully, for the last few hours. It’s as if he has vanished into thin air. I fear that Charlie is right, that he has run from any chance of fixing this, but my heart tells me something different.
I make it home in record time, but no sign of Logan. Everything is exactly how we left it before we headed to my parents’ house. Pieces of him and the time we spent together are spread all over my place, bringing tears immediately to my eyes. I don’t have time for self-pity, I need to find Logan before he does something stupid.
Here I am, sitting in my car, thinking of anywhere he might be. Charlie and Amber are headed back from my parents after locking up and haven’t heard from him. Charlie did mention that LT called to check in with him to see what was up. Apparently, Logan called and sounded weird, whatever that means. Charlie won’t tell me what they talked about but said Logan requested leave and was still slotted to go on the mission, thank God for small favors.
Avery is in the wind as well. Since the trail for Logan has gone cold, I give her crazy ass a call. I reach over to the passenger seat as I hear my stomach growl. Damn, when was the last time I ate? I guess I should head to The Mission while I call Avery. I dial Avery’s number as I pull away from my place and head toward Jimmy’s place.
“Hey, Kit Kat! How’s it hanging?”
“Don’t you hey me! Where the hell are you? Amber and Charlie are beside themselves looking for you! If they weren’t so busy helping me stop my life from falling apart, we would all be searching for you. Where the hell did you go?”
“I wanted to see mountains.”
I wait patiently for more, but after a few moments of silence, I figure that was all I was going to get. I sigh into the phone before I try to figure out what is going through her head right now.
“Why did you leave, Avery?”
I hear her begin to sniffle on the other end of the line.
“They don’t need me. I’m sure they will make one big happy family without me. Give it time, they’ll forget all about me soon enough.”
I don’t know what is going on between the three of them, but this goes deeper than just an argument or Charlie saying something stupid.
“What are you talking about, Avery? What happened?”
“Doesn’t matter. They don’t need me getting in the way anymore. I just want them both to be happy.”
I want to climb through the phone and smack her right now.
“Avery, you didn’t see how devastated Charlie was when they noticed you were missing or the lost look in Amber’s eyes when she noticed you weren’t in the room with me. The three of you need each other, accept it.”
I hear her huff on the other end of the line. Avery is the most stubborn person I know, but I have to make sure she understands how much we all need her.
“Forget the two of them, I need you! Who i
s going to help me kick some sense into Logan when I find him, huh?”
I hear a soft laugh on the other end, “What do you want his ass back for anyway? He lied to you.”
“Let’s just say I’ve got a better understanding of his reasons now.”
“Well, look at you, Kit Kat. When did you become the one with all the answers?”
“About the time you started running, thinking that we don’t all need your crazy ass. You’re the glue that keeps us together, Avery. Now get your fine ass back here before I have to come find you!”
“Yes, ma’am!” she responds before promptly hanging up the phone.
I just shake my head as I pull into the parking lot of The Mission. I probably should call Charlie and Amber. They have been worried sick since she disappeared, but this is something the three of them need to handle. Right now, I have to get some food into my stomach and find my SEAL.
* * *
After eating my fill, I’m sitting at the bar trying to figure out where the hell Logan went.
“Can I get you anything else?” Jimmy ask as he wipes down the bar around me.
“How about a crystal ball to tell me where the hell Logan is hiding,” I respond sarcastically.
He chuckles in response, “If I had one of those I wouldn’t be using it to find your lover boy, that’s for sure.”
“Thanks. You’re such a great help.”
I roll my eyes while taking a long sip from my pint glass. Where the hell can he be? I checked his apartment but had no luck. Charlie checked all the places they frequent together, and no one has seen him. He even went so far as to call the rest of the team to see if Logan was hiding out at one of their places, but still, we came up empty.
“Maybe I can help? Sometimes it helps if you talk things out. That’s usually why people come to bars, isn’t it?”
“Seriously? You want to become a typical cliché bartender?”
It can’t hurt to have someone to talk this out with. I’m not getting anywhere on my own, maybe a fresh take on things could help.
“Well, you asked. Logan and Ryan knew each other. That’s an understatement, they were best friends. Apparently, Ryan asked him to take care of me before he died.”
I look at Jimmy for some type of reaction, when there was none, I continue with my tale.
“To make matter worse, Logan has been in love with me since before Ryan and I met. I guess we all met when they were first here for training. Due to the bro code, Logan let Ryan have me.”
Jimmy huff in response, “There is nothing more sacred to a SEAL than his team members, even more so if you’re truly friends. Logan did the most honorable thing possible by putting his feelings aside and doing what he thought was best for both you and Ryan.”
Jimmy’s statement stopped my response. What was best for me? I was instantly attracted to Ryan; his dark brown hair and warm brown eyes melted my heart immediately. I remember when I first laid eyes on him like it was yesterday.
“Hey there pretty girl, is this seat taken?” I hear someone say next to me.
I turn my head to find the most gorgeous man I have ever seen. Don’t get me wrong, I have been on dates before, but this guy is an Adonis compared to anyone else around here.
“No,” I whisper as I tuck a strand of hair behind my ear.
I’m not used to guys like him giving me the time of day. Usually, they walk right by me to talk to Avery or Amber, sometimes they talk to me so they can get their numbers.
“So, which one do you want?” I turn to him and ask.
“Excuse me?”
I point across the street to where the Twins are waiting for their turn in line,
“Which one, Avery or Amber? They’re both currently single, so you can’t go wrong with either one you pick. I can say Avery has a little bit of an attitude so if you don’t like your woman feisty I suggest staying away from her.”
He reaches down to grab my hand, bringing it to his lips and placing a gentle kiss on my knuckles.
“I’ve actually been working up the nerve to come talk to you, gorgeous. The name is Ryan.”
“I’m Katie.”
I honestly forgot about that moment until right now, I was never the one guys paid attention too, it was always the twins. So, when someone finally wanted my attention, I soaked it up like a sponge. I forgot about everyone and everything that entire summer. Avery and Amber still complain about how I dropped them to spend all my time with him.
“Kit Kat, where the hell have you been?” Avery huffs into the phone.
I can’t say I‘ve been the best friend the last few weeks, but I only have so much time with Ryan before he has to leave for the next phase of training.
“Well, Ryan...”
I don’t even have a chance to finish my statement before she cuts me off,
“Ryan this! Ryan that! Are you obsessed or something? What are you going to do when he leaves? It is as if no one exists but him, Katie. This can’t be healthy.”
“You’re just jealous! For once, someone is interested in me and not falling all over you and Amber. Can you just be happy for me, just this one time?”
I can feel the tears well up in my eyes. I thought if anyone would be happy for me it would be my two best friends. I hear rustling on the other end of the line before Amber begins to speak,
“We are happy for you, Katie, but we are also worried about you. You act like no one else exists in the world except for Ryan. We just don’t want you to get hurt.”
I can’t help but think what is going to happen if this is all a game. What is going to happen when he leaves for the next station. I shake my head to clear these negative thoughts. I just want to enjoy the time that we have together right now, I will worry about the rest later.
‘Thanks for worrying about me you two, but right now I just want to be happy.”
I’m brought back to the present by thoughts of Logan, he was here for training as well. We met, talked, and apparently spent time together but I never even noticed him. That conversation with the twins is what made me hesitant about my relationship with Ryan.
“Did you know Ryan asked me to marry him before he left here for the next phase of training?” I whispered to Jimmy.
“Actually, I did.”
I am shocked by his answer, and I am sure he can read it all over my face.
“Let me show you something.”
Jimmy reaches about the bar and grabs an old picture off the shelf, handing it to me. As I look down, I notice Ryan front and center with another guy wearing a cowboy hat and his arm slung over his shoulder, a very serious look plastered on his face.
“That picture was taken the last day of training. It was right after I talked to Ryan and the rest of their class about sniper training and what to expect. I was an instructor back then.”
I stare at Jimmy waiting for him to continue,
“I happened upon these two as I was walking out and overheard their conversation. Ryan was letting Logan know his intentions on asking you to be his forever. I have no idea what they said to each other, but as I came around the corner, Logan started shouting about how his best friend was getting engaged and wanted a picture to remember it. However, the look in his eyes, that is the look of a broken man.”
I look down at the picture rubbing my thumb over Logan’s face. Those are the same eyes that looked at me as I broke down and cast him from my life. All Logan has ever wanted to do was protect me, even if it was from himself.
“Well, shit…”
“Puts things a little more into perspective, doesn’t it? You were so hung up on what he did or didn’t do to you that you weren’t thinking about what he may have been through all of these years.”
“Oh, wise one, you have helped me see the light. But this doesn’t help me figure out where the hell Logan is!”
I throw my arms up in the air before crossing them over my chest in a huff. I know I must look like a child throwing a fit, but I just want to talk to Logan and make se
nse of all these questions swirling around in my head.
“That’s an easy answer. If he can’t talk to you about all of this, who is the only other person who would understand exactly how he is feeling right now?”
I sit there thinking about what Jimmy just asked, there are a million and one people that Logan can pick up the phone and call. He can even try and call me but based on the way I acted I wouldn’t try and call me either. Suddenly, the answer hits me, I throw some cash down on the counter and head out the bar.
“Thanks, Jimmy! I have a man to see about my heart!”
I hear Jimmy chuckling as the door closes behind me.
26
Logan
I find myself sitting in my truck at the cemetery once again. After a good night’s sleep, I hope I have got my anger in check enough to have one final talk with my best friend. I take a deep breath before I shut off my truck and reach for the handle.
I can’t bring myself to open the door. I look down to see my hands shaking. This time it’s not in anger, but fear. The fear of facing my best friend to tell him that I’ve failed him failed Katie, failed us all in the only job that I promised to never fail at.
I finally force myself to climb out of my truck and head toward Ryan’s grave. All the gravestones are well kept and clean. You can tell that some soldiers have loved ones that come and visit regularly from the flowers that decorate their nameplates, but others are as lonely as I feel at this moment.
As I get closer to Ryan’s headstone, I am reminded of the day he told me he wanted to make my Katie his wife.
“Logan, I need to tell you something, and you aren’t going to like it.”
