by Gia Riley
Sucking on my straw, I play with my miniature drink umbrella as I let his words absorb into my hazy mind. “I’m honestly pretty proud of me too. That felt amazing. I’m so getting drunk tonight. Damn, this thing tastes good. I don’t even taste the alcohol. You sure it’s in here?”
“Oh, it’s definitely in there. The whole thing is a mixture of it and I can tell you’re tasting it,” he says as he laughs at my antics.
Amie comes over to congratulate me on my heart-warming performance. I feel like a rockstar right now with all the compliments that are flying at me from every direction. A girl could get used to this. After hearing her gush for a few minutes, I grab her hand and tug her out on the dance floor with me. We shake our asses and throw our arms up in the air flinging our hair all around into a tangled mess. It feels exhilarating to let loose as the thumping of the bass deep in my body heightens my buzz.
Just as I’m getting into it, I feel warm hands on my hips pulling me back into a strong chest. A deep voice in my ear says, “you sounded so amazing up on that stage, baby, and look so damn sexy right now. I’m glad you’re moving on and letting loose.” Immediately my defenses go up and I remove his hands from my body.
“Don’t call me baby, asshole. I’m nobody’s baby,” I spit at him as I push the body far enough away from me so I can walk away. I race to the bathroom where I sit down in the stall and catch my breath. Inside the stall, I realize the hands on my body belonged to Sean and I just told him off. I know I over-reacted, but for all I know he is screwing Amie and I’m never going to be labeled a home wrecker. That may be a moot point considering Amie is married, making Sean the home wrecker. Either way, it’s sleazy and I want no part of it. I can’t help I was briefly turned on when he was holding me. I must be drunker than I thought. There’s no way in hell that’s happening. As I’m contemplating my next move, there’s a knock on the stall door.
“Hallie, you in there?” I’m almost positive that’s Sean’s voice. This keeps getting weirder by the minute.
“Yeah, why? Who wants to know?” I ask annoyed.
“It’s Sean. I need to talk to you. Can you please come out for a minute?” he pleads.
I open the stall door and find a very remorseful-looking Sean standing in front of me. I walk out and he takes my hand, but I immediately break the attempt at contact. “You can’t be in the ladies restroom, Sean. It’s against the law or something,” I mumble.
“Calm down. They aren’t going to toss me in jail for being in here. There are bigger fish to fry,” he assures.
“You don’t know that. I can have someone go find Luke and get you busted.” I cross my arms and tap my foot like I mean business. The asshole laughs at me.
“Okay, tough girl. You win. Let’s go in the hallway if it’ll make you listen to me for five minutes so we can have an actual conversation.” I don’t miss the brief ogling of my pushed up boobs that takes place before he ushers me out with his hand on my back, staying annoyingly close to my body.
“Why do you keep touching me?” I ask as I move away from him and lean against the wall.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t realize I was doing it.”
“You don’t remember putting your hands on me on the dance floor? How drunk are you, Sean?”
“Well, that I remember. I also remember you blowing me a kiss too,” he says with a shrug of his shoulders like it was partly my fault.
“What do you want, Sean. I don’t have all day to listen to you talk in circles. Or should we go find out what Amie thinks about your wandering hands?” I know I’m being a bitch, but I can’t help it. I don’t like whatever game he’s playing with me.
Looking at me like I’ve lost my mind he asks, “what does Amie have to do with any of this?”
Completely frustrated, I say the first thing that comes to mind. “Oh I don’t know, Sean, you tell me. You’re the one screwing her. I see a pattern here. She cheats on her husband and you cheat on her. Sounds like a solid system you guys have going.”
Throwing his hands up in the air he says, “seriously, Hallie! What the hell makes you think I’m hooking up with Amie? Jesus, you couldn’t have this more wrong if you tried, doll.”
“Doll? How original. I think you’re full of shit and ruining my buzz. I’ll tell you how this is going to go. I’ll go get a drink; you find your girl and leave me alone. And keep your hands to yourself!” I storm away in a dramatic fashion in search of whatever it is Alex and Tanner have for me to drink. I’m enjoying the new drinks they are getting me to try. Fruity isn’t so bad after all.
I’m still angry as I make my way back over to the bar where I find Alex deep in conversation with some random dude. Where is Tanner and who is that? With a huff I plop down on my stool and moan into my hands. “Alex, I’ve changed my mind. I hate men and I want to switch teams.” Both Alex and his friend whip their heads in my direction looking equally amused at my statement.
“Hallie, this is Josh. Josh meet Hallie, my adorable, slightly intoxicated best friend,” he says as he waves his hand back and forth throughout the introductions. “Wanna tell us what happened?” Alex asks.
Raising my head from my hands, I blow a piece of stray hair out of my eyes and explain. “What happened is Sean can’t keep his hands to himself and I was shaking my ass having a perfectly good time until he ruined that with his touchy feely shit and I couldn’t get out of the bathroom without a lecture. I don’t get what that guys deal is. How many girls does he need to screw before he gets a clue that I’m not going to be a little groupie in his sexcapades?”
“Who else is he shacking up with that you know of?” he asks.
“Well I assume Amie, but he denied it. I don’t know why. I always see them together. Clearly they have to be,” I tell him as I flick around a peanut from the basket on the bar. Who actually eats these things anyway? All those filthy hands reaching into the same basket during the course of the night is enough to make me gag.
Alex brings me back to the present and says, “think about what you just said. You and I are always together and are we hooking up?”
“Well obviously not, you’re gay.” And I’m the drunk one. What kind of question is that?
“Well maybe the same goes for those two,” Alex says.
“You think Sean is gay?” I say in surprise. Alex has exceptional gaydar and he never mentioned a word of this to me when he met him at the hospital the night Ryan passed away.
“No, Hallie. I’m saying maybe they’re just good friends like you and I are. Not every guy and girl who are friends want each other. Sure, they’re both attractive, but that doesn’t mean any sex is taking place. Just think about it. You had a lot to drink tonight and might have read something wrong.”
“Hmm. I guess you could be right. I just assumed,” I say as I analyze the confrontation we just had in the bathroom as well as his actions on the dance floor.
“Does that change how you view Sean then?”
“What do you mean?” I ask confused.
“Hallie, the guy has feelings for you. It was plain as day in the ER and at the ceremony earlier tonight. I see the way he looks at you. I never mentioned it because it wasn’t the time or place for that. Surely even you must have picked up on it. You told me he flirted with you at the conference you both went to. Maybe he’s trying to ask you out and isn’t sure how to go about it given your situation.”
“Seriously?” I squeak out slightly embarrassed by this revelation.
“Yes. I seriously think so. Would it be such a bad thing if he did like you?”
“Absolutely!” I blurt out.
“Care to tell me why?”
“Alex, I love you dearly but you know why. I don’t think of anyone like that anymore. I’m still healing from Ryan. It wouldn’t be fair and it’s still too fresh for me.”
“I get that but you can’t stay single forever. Eventually you’ll have to take the plunge and get back in the dating pool. Maybe Sean is someone to start with. He’s a good gu
y and you know a lot about him.”
“You can’t be serious right now, Alex. The douchebag may or may not be seeing Amie and he molested me out on the dance floor and called me doll and baby. He also tricked me into going to the conference with him. You think he is the guy for me? Really?”
“Calm down, Hallie. Jeez. I’m just trying to talk to you. Maybe it’s his way of showing he cares. Guys are idiots, they get desperate.” He shakes his head and drains his beer, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand catching the few drips that fall. He looks directly into my eyes and deadpans, “You like him don’t you.”
“Alex, shut the hell up and leave me alone. I do not.” I don’t know who I’m trying to convince more, him or me. While I feel like I can’t possibly feel something for another guy after just losing the person I was in love with, a small fraction of the remaining piece of my heart tells me I might have feelings for Sean. I can’t say why or where they came from, but I know I’m attracted to him. Hoping it’s purely a physical attraction and nothing deeper, I decide to tuck my secret away and let it remain hidden. It’s too early and makes me feel horrible for even having an inkling of an attraction for someone else. My loyalty should be with Ryan one hundred percent. Otherwise, I just feel shameful.
“I thought so,” Alex says.
He can think whatever he wants. It doesn’t change the way things have to be. “You’re exhausting.” I chug the rest of my drink and this time when I get off my stool the entire room sways to the right and then slowly back to the left. This is much better. I like this feeling and the warmth coursing through my veins much more than facing the facts, so I get Alex to order me one more drink.
“You sure you want another one? You had a lot, Hallie. Maybe you should slow down and call it quits.”
“Alex, I don’t want a damn lecture. I just want to feel good for a while. Why is that so wrong?” I ask him with my hands placed firmly on my hips as I protest his idea of ending my night.
“You’re holding onto the bar for support and your eyes are glassy. I think you’re good. We should head home anyway. Do you want to find Sean before we go? Clear things up, maybe?”
By this point, I’m beyond reason. I just want to drink, continue to get drunk, which I think I am accomplishing well at the moment and since I am trying to forget men, I definitely don’t want to see Sean. That will only make me do something stupid I’m not ready for. In my mind, I know Sean wouldn’t be just a random hookup you forget about the next day. Those I can handle. It’s the serious shit I know will fill me with too much guilt. I decide to be a brat and get what I want. So, I do the only logical thing a girl in my shoes would do. I flirt shamelessly with the hot guy next to me. He’ll buy me a drink! I really wish I hadn’t left my clutch in the car and had my own money. But a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.
“Classy, Hallie,” I hear as I set my sights on Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome. He has no clue I’m only using him, but I play along and smile and flirt in all the right places. He orders me a shot too which I happily accept along with my drink. Such a kind sucker. Deciding I better show some thanks for my alcohol, I let him lead me out on the dance floor. I feel absolutely nothing for this guy. His style is all wrong and too pretty boy for my taste. I have nothing against preppy frat guys, but something tells me this guy has a mile long list of women he’s been with. I don’t miss the stink eye Alex sends my way as I walk by him. He’s frantically whispering to Tanner. He knows my game, but I could care less. I just want to forget and preppy dude is allowing me to do that.
This guy isn’t a bad dancer as he holds me tight to his body and grinds himself against my ass. His arms are wrapped tightly around my waist helping keep me upright as he laces his fingers with mine. I know I got angry with Sean for doing the same thing to me not long ago, but for some reason I am okay with this since I don’t feel anything for this guy. My drunken mind isn’t the brightest. We dance for a few more songs before he whispers in my ear we should leave. Assuming he means heading back over to the bar, I take his hand and agree.
When he heads to the bar and keeps on going, I try to stop him but he can’t hear me over the music. I stop and yank on my hand, but he doesn’t let go right away either as he helps pull me through the tightly packed bodies lining the bar. We end up by the exit before I get him to stop and listen to me. Although leaving with him wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world, I don’t know if I can actually go through with it. Before I get a chance to explain, Sean is standing next to the two of us looking equally as pissed off as Alex.
“Hallie, what the hell are you doing? You aren’t leaving with this guy,” Alex firmly explains.
The guy I still have no name for says, “she can do whatever she wants and she wants to leave with me, so I suggest you get out of our way.”
That was definitely the wrong thing to say as they glare daggers at the both of us. I could continue on with this charade and actually leave with this guy and hate myself in the morning, or tell him to go ahead without me. As much as I would love to throw caution to the wind and just feel something again other than sadness, I know having a random hookup isn’t the answer to my problems. I decide to tell the guy I can’t leave with him and realize how close I came to a colossal mistake. Thankfully, he doesn’t put up a fight, shakes his head and tells me it’s my loss. I’m sure it could be considering the amazing body he has, but I still can’t go no matter how much I had to drink. I’m left standing with two men who both want to have words with me.
“I’m sorry, guys. I didn’t mean to be a bitch earlier and I wasn’t going to leave with him, you know that.”
“Do I, Hallie? You have been so up and down lately I can’t keep track of your moods anymore. All I know is, the girl I see right now still isn’t my best friend. I thought I saw her on stage tonight, but then she went away again. I miss her.”
I know I deserved that, but it doesn’t hurt any less.
As tears spill from my glassy eyes, I walk right out the front doors and in the direction of my house. I don’t want to fight or yell or do anything other than admit defeat. Alex and I never fight, but lately it seems to be happening more and more. He wants the old Hallie, but she is struggling to find her way back. Desperately seeking answers in my drunken haze, I can’t figure out how to turn back the clock and get my sanity back. I’m not the same girl I used to be. My walk becomes faster until I’m practically jogging down the sidewalk. My tears are now full blown sobs and I realize how lost I feel. Running feels natural and freeing. Breaking free from every emotion tying me down, I just let go and ugly cry for the first time since the night I lost Ryan.
Lost in my own tormented thoughts, I don’t hear the footsteps barreling down the sidewalk until they come to a stop with warm arms hugging me. Much to my surprise, it’s not Alex, but Sean. He rocks me back and forth with his chin resting on my head as his hands rub my back, calming me. “I know you feel broken, Hallie, but I promise to help you put every piece back together. Let me help you. I know you can’t be with me, but please don’t push me away. I’ve cared about you since the day I met you at the seminar. You fell for Ryan and I knew I couldn’t compete with what the two of you had. I’d like to say I didn’t get how you could feel so strongly for each other so fast, but I get it. You are easy to fall for, Hallie. Your heart is beautiful, but it won’t be broken forever. I won’t let it stay broken.”
His words both scare me and calm me. My tears continue to freely fall down my cheeks as I sniff and pull away from Sean’s arms. “I’m sorry,” I barely say as I try to get control of my rapid breathing.
“You don’t owe me anything, Hallie. I know my timing sucks and you don’t want another relationship yet, but I want you in my life. If that means as a friend, I will be the best friend you can ask for. I just can’t keep pretending I don’t have feelings for you. Amie told me to be patient and I was honestly trying. Then, I saw you out on the dance floor looking drop-dead gorgeous and I wanted to be the guy who got to dance
with you. Freaking you out wasn’t my intention. I tried to apologize in the bathroom but I screwed that up too.” He sweetly uses his shirt to dry some of my tears.
“You really aren’t with Amie?” I ask.
“She’s married, of course not,” he says.
“Oh.” I feel like an idiot. I should have known better and probably need to call Amie and apologize to her tomorrow considering I’ve been pretty short with her lately.
“Hallie, were you jealous? Does the thought of me kissing someone else bother you?”
“What! No. Of course not. I don’t care what you do,” I say as I smack his chest in my attempt to downplay just how much it did bother me.
“It’s okay, doll. I don’t blame you; I mean have you seen me? I’m seriously hot!” he says pulling me forward as we head in the direction of the parking lot. I appreciate his attempt to lighten the mood so I just laugh and keep walking.
We walk the few blocks back to Shorty’s and find Sean’s car. I have a text from Alex saying he caught a ride with Amie and took Tanner with him. I have a feeling this was his way of getting me to talk to Sean and smooth things over. Considering I have no idea what to say to him, I don’t say anything at all.
The ride passes quickly and before I know it, Sean is sitting in front of my house. “Thanks for the ride.” I reach over to open the door and step out into the warm night air. I hear Sean call my name so I lean back down and pop my head inside the open window. “Yeah?”
“Will you call me if you need anything?”
“Okay. I’m good though. No worries.” I don’t have any intention of calling him, but I don’t tell him that.
Once inside my house, I take a long hot bath and climb into bed. This is my least favorite part about losing Ryan. I have nobody next to me as I fall asleep and the loneliness creeps right back into my heart. I try desperately to push it away, but I really just want to feel safe and warm inside his arms again. Knowing I can’t have that, I pick up my phone and call his voicemail hoping to hear his soothing voice talk to me again. When I hear a message telling me the call cannot be completed, my worst fear has come alive. His family cancelled his phone service. Feeling like the final nail has been placed in the coffin, I get angry. I cry for losing what I feel is my last connection to him. His voice will only be a memory from now on. Then I cry for feeling something for another guy. Sean doesn’t deserve my emotions, only Ryan.
