by M. J. Carnal
“He’s only human. Meeting you changed him. It was a good change but he was scared. He’s spent half his life running away from anything that matters. He got lost out on the road. Fear is a powerful thing.” Max gets quiet, his mind lost in the past. I take the time to study him. His blond hair and boyish good looks make him seem so much younger than he is. “Anyway, we’re all a family. If one of us fucks up, we all take the blame. Damien did some shit on the road that wasn’t good for our image. We’re just all trying to keep shit together so we can get on with the tour.”
“Thank you for loving him so much.” My voice cracks with emotion. These men are more than a band. They’re family and it’s beautiful to see. “I don’t know how you guys do this. All this attention and micromanaging every second of your lives. I’m glad you have each other.”
“Want to get out of here?” Max winks and nods his head toward the exit. “You’ll have to trust me.”
“Hell yes. Let’s go.” I giggle when he stands up and offers me his hand. He’s so tall and goofy.
As we start to walk toward the exit, the cameras take aim at us. Max throws his arm around my shoulder. “Sorry guys. We don’t have much time together. We’re gonna go make the best of it.”
I make eye contact with Damien. He is holding Oksana’s hand, sitting front and center of all the media. His eyes are full of uncertainty. So is my heart. I don’t know what to do and I certainly don’t know what I’ll say to him. Each step away is like ripping my heart out. He only has two more nights in Los Angeles before they hit the road again. There’s no going back after what happened tonight. I want him in my life, even if it’s just in a small capacity. He’s become too important to me. My world doesn’t make sense without him. But seeing him as the center of attention, with the woman they call his fiancé wrapped around him, I can’t help but think that I don’t have the resilience it will take to be a part of this.
Chapter 9
The road has come to an end, it’s time for goodbyes. It’s ripping me in pieces when you look into my eyes. Life isn’t fair, we knew that from the start. I’ll keep pieces of you with me, in my dreams, my thoughts, my heart. – Liquid Regret
Joshua is sitting behind his big desk looking all smug. He knows this is ripping me apart. I know he’s doing his job. A part of me even knows he’s right. But mostly, I’m pissed. How he can think keeping me away from Mia is a good idea blows my mind. I’ve done everything short of offering to suck his dick. He’s not giving in. I feel like a seven year old about to have a temper tantrum. This cannot be happening.
“Damien, let me be clear. You walk through life like nothing can touch you. You didn’t give one shit about your image and the image of the band. You had your ass kicked, you fucked everything that moved, and you were threatened with a couple different lawsuits after fighting. You’re a liability to the label. When the story hit that you were engaged, they gave you a second look. No one gets a second chance in this industry. No one. You have been granted the impossible.”
I scrub my hand down my face. I haven’t been able to eat for the past twenty-four hours. Seeing Mia leave with Max made me sick. She called to let me know she was going to take a shift at the aquarium to let her coworker have a day off. Selfishly, I wanted to scream at her that our time was running short. But I couldn’t. She’s put up with a lot of shit since I showed back up in her life. With me or not, she heard the stories. I know I meant something to her before I left last year. I hadn’t even considered her feelings in all of this.
“For how long? How long do we need to keep this up?” I’m defeated.
“It’s not forever. Be seen with Oksana at a couple venues, take her to a couple events. Paste on a smile and let the world believe you love her. If things get too hard and Mia decides she wants to come see a few shows, we fly her in. Max can pick her up at the airport. He’s agreed to be seen with her when needed.”
“He’s agreed to be seen with her.” I scratch my head. Like it’s so fucking difficult to be seen with her. “So we all live this big lie and everyone stays miserable.”
“Everyone stays employed.” Joshua stands up and shakes my hand. “Go do whatever it is you want to do before we head back out. The tour isn’t forever. I know it might feel like that but it won’t be long until you’re back here and you can live your life the way you want to.”
“You’re doing the right thing, bro.” Harley slaps me on the shoulder. Always the voice of reason. “Be honest with Mia. Tell her how you feel. Give her a reason to fight for the relationship. It’s not going to be easy but it won’t be forever. She’s worth it, man.”
“Ok.” I can’t think of anything else to say. It’s all been said. I laid my cards out on the table for the band. It’s time to do the same thing for Mia. I’ll fight for her until the day I die.
The drive to the aquarium isn’t long. I loved coming here as a kid. Walking through the lobby brings back so many memories. I miss how carefree my life was then. I miss how loving and safe things were. I miss running through the halls with Steve, racing each other to the shark tank to get the best seat to watch them swim. I miss his laugh as my mom would yell at me to slow down.
“Damien?” Her voice pulls me from my past. “What are you doing here?”
She’s keeping her distance. It’s been twenty minutes and I’ve already forgotten I can’t be seen with her in public. “Is there somewhere we can talk?”
She shrugs. “Sure. I’m heading into the theater to rehearse with a very unwilling dolphin. You could come with me if you’d like.”
“Unwilling, huh?” I follow her. “What is it that you’ve asked him to do? Maybe it’s beneath him. Maybe he’s shy?”
She laughs. “We lost one of our dolphins last week. He’d been taken out of the shows a couple months ago. He was old and it wasn’t unexpected.” She bends over and taps the surface. I jump back as a head breaks free of the water. “Don’t be such a girl.”
She zips up her wetsuit and jumps into the water. When she breaks the surface, so does the dolphin. I’m witnessing something that could bring tears to my eyes. She blows her whistle and the creature spins in a circle before splashing her in the face. She laughs, the love apparent in her eyes.
“Want to swim with us?” Mia calls out to me. Hell yes I do. “Grab one of the suits over on the hooks and come on in.”
I pull the suit on and watch in awe as she communicates with the bottlenose. She blows a series of whistles, each one commanding a different trick. She feeds him tiny fish when he gets something right. Seeing her like this, in her element, doing what she loves, makes me realize I could never ask her to give it up and join me on the road. We can make this work. We don’t need to figure it all out right now.
“Stormy, this is my friend Damien. Can you give him a kiss?” She motions to him and he kisses me on the mouth. “He looks like he didn’t like that. What do we think of that?” Another hand motion and Stormy blows air at me and it sounds ridiculously close to taunting.
“Why would you want to kiss me when she’s right here? She’s gorgeous. Certainly you see that.” I rub my hand across his face. He’s soft like satin. “This is incredible, Mia.” I don’t think I’ve smiled this much in weeks.
“Want to try something even better?” She smiles at me and all I can do is nod. “Swim over to the side. Stop about six feet from the edge. Do not panic.”
She’s laughing so I’m instantly scared. “Why? What are you doing?”
“Trust me.” She motions to Stormy and blows the whistle. He goes under water and I can’t see him. “When you feel him, push your legs down and try to stand. Just go with it.”
My heart is pounding. I feel him under me. I lock my legs and push up. I’m being pushed through the water. Just before we reach the other edge of the pool, he lets me go. It’s an adrenaline rush like no other. Mia is clapping and giving Stormy a fish.
“Congratulations, Mr. Reynolds. You mastered the foot push on the first try.” She swims to
wards me, her face completely void of makeup, her hair soaked. I could search the entire world and never find anyone more beautiful. “What’d you think?”
“I think you have the best job in the world.” I reach for her without thinking. I need her. My lips meet hers, my tongue begging for entry. She sighs and melts into me. I claim her mouth and I tell her everything I can’t say with words.
Water splashes us and Mia pulls away laughing. She splashes Stormy back. He clicks and whistles, happy to be in the same place she is. I don’t blame him. She raises her hands and he rockets from the water, propelling himself upright and through the water with the strength of his back fin. When he dives below the water, she blows her whistle. He comes up under her, launching her into the air before she dives back into the water. I have never been envious of anyone. But in this moment, I envy the life she has. Her joy is written all over her face. This breathtaking mammal put her smile there. I’m not embarrassed to admit, I’m jealous of a dolphin.
“Thank you for this.” She smiles as she swims to me. “He’s always showing off when someone else is here with us.” He needed this. He’s been so down since his buddy died. He relies on me to feed him and love him. He has no idea that I rely on him to love me back. He’s amazing therapy.”
“He’s not the only one.” Shit. The words are out before I even know what I’ve said. She stops swimming and stares at me. I need to touch her. I pull her to me, it’s now or never. “Do you have any idea how I feel?”
She bites her lip, tears forming in her eyes. She doesn’t speak. Just shakes her head and looks into my eyes. I can feel her shaking.
“I don’t know what this is. But I want to find out. I’ve never felt this way. It scares the shit out of me.” I pull her into a tight hug. “You’ve stayed with me, Mia. No matter where I went, part of you was there with me.”
“I feel the same way.” She wraps her legs around me. “I just don’t know if I’m strong enough to deal with everything you have to deal with.”
“Baby, let me deal with all the hard stuff. I just want you to be here when I get home. Will you be?”
“Not if things are the same way they were the last time you went out on the road.” She’s being honest. I hurt her. I won’t do it again.
“You mean more to me than that. I hope you’ll trust me long enough to prove it to you.”
She smiles. “You leave tomorrow?” I nod my head. “Then come home with me tonight and show me why you’re worth waiting for.”
“That sounds a lot like a dare, Ms. Lee.” I laugh when she splashes me. “I plan on making sure you can’t forget me even if you try.”
Chapter 10
My heart is pounding while I wait for Damien. I’ve made him lasagna, salad, and crunchy garlic bread. My mouth is watering. My apartment smells amazing. I can’t wait to dig in, fill my belly and then spend the rest of the night lost in him.
He leaves tomorrow. It’s like déjà vu. I know that my heart will feel shattered in the morning. Watching him walk away the first time was hard. The second time will be impossible. But this time, there’s hope. He’ll be coming home eventually. And he knows exactly where I am.
A knock. Here go the butterflies. My hands are sweating. Why? I shake my head trying to focus. I reach for the knob, take a deep breath and open up my heart to all that he has to offer.
“Hi honey. I’m home.” He kicks the door shut with his foot. “Come here.”
I lean into him and he attacks my mouth. He takes hold of my cheeks, holding me captive against his mouth. Heat pools between my thighs. I can feel his excitement growing against my belly. The dinner might’ve been a waste. I need him.
He spins me around, pinning me against the door. His hands are frantic, unbuttoning my shorts and shoving them to the ground. He leans into me and pulls a condom from his pocket. His pants fall around his ankles. He rolls the condom on like a pro. Before I can even form a coherent thought, he pushes into me. “Dinner smells amazing.” He leans in and sniffs my neck. “But you smell even better.”
When he begins to move, I lock my ankles behind his back. My body is on fire. The door shakes on its hinges as he pumps into me. He bites my neck, then soothes it with kisses. His tongue traces my neck, my jaw. I feel him breathing in my ear and I shiver.
He fills me completely. My body was made for him. He pulls almost all the way out and pushes back in. It feels unbelievable. Just when I think it can’t get better, he pulls all the way out and circles my clit with the head of his penis.
“Oh my god.”
“You like that?” He does it again and I start to tremble. “Oh yeah. You do like that. I’ll take you right to the edge but I want you to come on my cock.”
His voice is my undoing. My orgasm is building. My body is on high alert. I’m going to explode. He pulls his cock away, leaving me begging for more. “Please, Damien. I’m so close.”
He circles my clit one last time and slides back in just as I come apart. My orgasm makes me scream. My walls tighten, milking him. He moans and bites my shoulder. His legs shake. He’s fighting hard not to come. He takes a deep breath and starts to move again.
His pace is more frantic. “Your pussy feels so good. So wet. I want to feel your come dripping down my legs like it did backstage.” He presses his thumb to my clit, his dick pounding into me. “I want to hear you scream.”
It’s too much. I’m like a live wire. The electricity between us sparks. My pupils are blown with pleasure. His breathing is erratic, his eyes almost closed in ecstasy. I come so hard, I may pass out. I throw myself against him as my legs loosen from his waist. I’m completely at his mercy.
“That’s my girl. Do you feel that?” He grunts as he continues his assault. “I was made to fuck you. Only you, Mia.”
I can feel my pleasure pour from my body. No one has ever made me feel so good, so alive, so on fire. I shove against him, pushing away from the door. He momentarily loses his balance as I drop to the floor and pull him back into me. I rip the condom from him and take him into my mouth. He’s already so close but I need to taste him. I need him to lose his mind. I need him to feel a fraction of what he makes me feel.
“Holy fuck.” He braces his hands on the door behind me. I take him all the way into my mouth, humming as he hits the back of my throat.
I hold onto his perfect ass as he fucks my mouth. My other hand finds that sensitive spot just under his balls and his legs almost give out. I press and feel his dick swell. His whole body convulses as he empties himself into my mouth.
He roars as he comes. “Fuck, Mia.” It’s the hottest thing I have ever heard. I did this to him and I’m proud of myself. I smile as I lick him clean.
He drops to his knees and pulls me to his mouth. His kiss is possessive. He already owns me. He owns every part of me. He moans when my tongue enters his mouth. The sound is heaven. I’m ready for round two. Just like the last time we said goodbye, we won’t be getting any sleep. Only this time is different. This time, I plan on spending every second making him understand how much he truly means to me.
The morning sun is my enemy. My stomach rolls at the thought of Damien leaving. He opened up to me last night and told me everything. He was emotional and broken as he explained the need to keep up appearances with Oksana. He praised Max for subjecting himself to the lie. He warned me about paparazzi and what life might be like. I didn’t care about any of it. I’m so completely in love that I will do whatever it takes to be a part of him. I know he feels the same way. He didn’t say the words I long to hear. But everything he did say, every emotion he let me see, confirmed what I think I’ve known all along. Our week last year meant just as much to him as it did to me.
“I never thought I could feel so high and so low at the same time.” He stretches his arms above his head. His body is perfection. His arms are covered in tattoos, his chest and abs covered in muscle. His dark hair is tangled and standing up in every direction after spending the night having the hottest sex of our liv
es.
“I can feel the darkness creeping into my heart.” I giggle and cry at the same time.
“Don’t cry. We’re in Seattle at Rock Fest next weekend. We’ll get you there. I’ll get my own room. We’ll make this work.”
“Won’t Oksana be there?” I can’t help the tears. I’m such a girl.
“I’ll talk to her. She’ll understand as long as I promise to keep the lie alive. She’s crazy but she’s not heartless.” He rubs my back as I lay my head on his chest. It’s going to be the longest week of my life.
“Thank you.” I rub my hand over his abs. He shivers.
“For what?” He kisses the top of my head. Falling in love with him was so natural. It was as easy as breathing.
“For calming me down in the elevator. For making me see we were worth the risk. For picking me.”
“Baby, I would pick you every single time.”
As the alarm goes off on his phone, we hold each other. My heart is in my throat. His hold is tight and I don’t complain. I don’t want him to ever let go. Walking him to the door makes my heart shatter.
“You’re everything to me, Mia.” He leans his forehead against mine. It’s all the contact we need. His eyes tell me everything. He loves me too.
I watch through the bedroom window as he drives away. The apartment is suddenly completely silent. I can’t breathe. I curl into a ball on my bed. I’m exhausted, emotionally and physically. It’s only a week and I made it a whole year before now. Of course, my heart feels so much more invested than it had before. My feelings are stronger. Sex changes everything. I knew that when I went backstage with exactly that in mind.
I’m in and out of sleep. My cell phone is on my nightstand but it’s silent. My tearstained cheeks burn, my eyes are on fire. I know I need to drag myself out of my bed, take a shower and get ready for tomorrow’s shift at work. Life goes on. I need to remind myself that I survive every day because I choose to and it’s ok to be sad. If I choose to be in his life, I need to get used to being away from him. Maybe I need to get in touch with Harley’s wife for some advice on how to survive. As the tears start again, I turn onto my stomach and bury my face in my pillow.
