“Everly, I truly am sorry.” Her own voice broke.
“Do you ever regret leaving them the way you did?”
“Every single day since,” she admitted. “Things were...painful to say the least. I was so far along with you and mourning the loss of my sister. My parents tried to be there for me in the beginning but they were never supportive of my pregnancy before that, so I knew it was only a matter of time before they decided they couldn’t handle it, ya know? They were absolutely devastated when we lost Penny, and it hurt too much to witness that, especially when I had you to worry about.”
I stared at her, and each word felt like a pin being put in my heart.
“Why didn’t you ever go back?”
“I was ashamed,” she said, shaking her head. “I didn’t know how I could ever face them again. I took the coward’s way out and left when I should have stayed and been there for them.”
“If there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that the more time you spend regretting what you didn’t do, that’s time wasted not doing what you should.” I stood up and moved to sit in the chair beside her. I grabbed her shaking hand and held it in mine.
She gave me a small, shaky smile. “You remind me so much of her, Everly.”
“Well, that just means you did a good job at raising me,” I told her.
Tears fell from her eyes and I hugged her against me.
“Mom,” I croaked, my heart expanding at the use of the word, a word I rarely used when addressing her. “You don’t have be so put together all of the time. It’s okay to break, it’s human nature. Chaos fuels us, and it helps shape who we are, who we’re going to be—who we’re meant to be.”
She sobbed harder against my chest. I comforted her, my arms tightening their hold.
I could waste time wondering about how different things would have been had I not pushed her away for so long, had I not held onto Penelope and the life that I lost, but there was no point. I couldn’t undo the past, couldn’t redo decisions. All I could do was be myself and hope for the best.
There’s something wonderful that happens when you stop being afraid and start unapologetically being who you truly are.
Claire pulled away from me. Her face was red and puffy from her tears, but she no longer looked as broken.
“She would have loved you so much, Everly, I really wish you two would have had the chance to know each other,” she said with a sad smile.
“I know her better than you think I do,” I mumbled as she turned away to grab a tissue.
“I’m going to try to find them, okay?”
“Who?” I asked, slightly confused.
“My parents,” she said slowly. “Your grandparents. I don’t want to spend my life wondering what could have been had I just looked harder, or had I never left in the first place.”
“All we can do is move forward, and luckily we’ve got each other.” I promised.
“Yeah, we do.”
I felt like I was living in some sort of fantasy land. Either that, or I was trapped in an alternate universe of some kind. Life had been good lately. Almost too good.
Things were beginning to look up. Claire was back to being herself and we didn’t have another argument or breakdown since that day in the kitchen. Lio was being the true definition of what it meant to be the perfect boyfriend, and I was passing all of my classes for once, which in itself was a miracle.
So, why did things feel off, and slightly forced? I had this sinking feeling that something bad was always about to happen, but I never knew what. And that scared me. It scared me a whole lot.
Which is why I sat in the middle of my bedroom floor with music blaring from my headphones and focused on the pen and paper in my lap.
Writing had helped in the past, so I figured that’s what I would do to push this growing impending doom-like feeling away.
You were me, and I was you.
Did you ever have a clue,
That someday you’d be gone and I’d be here?
You left before I came,
Sometimes I wish for you to have another day.
I miss you, and they do too.
You’re a part of me,
But I know you’re somewhere out there too.
A tear slid down the side of my face and onto the page. I laughed at how poetic of a moment it was.
I didn’t miss her memories as much as I thought I would because I was too busy living in the moment and doing my best to make the most out of this life.
It hadn’t been easy, that’s for damn sure, but it had been worth it. I was happy, and I never wanted that feeling to go away, which was why I needed to leave Penelope in the past, for real this time.
A secret I hadn’t told anyone was that every night before bed I spent time reading through the dreams I had written down. They weren’t all that detailed, but they kept me connected to Penelope, even though the dreams had stopped.
It was something I kept to myself because I knew how Lio would react, and I would have agreed with him. Up until then I wasn’t ready to let her go, not completely anyway. But as I stared at the words I had just written and the wet spot from my lone tear, I realized that I was finally ready to pack her memories away and set her on a shelf—literally. I put the journal in a Christmas-themed box and set it on the top shelf in my closet, burying it behind some other boxes I hadn’t opened in years, and I hoped that would be true for this one too. I didn’t want her memories to jump off the page and remind me of what she had lost. I just wanted to live my life as Everly.
I knew I had stressed that a lot, differentiating between Penelope and Everly, but when Penelope’s memories were front and center, I needed to remind myself that they weren’t the same person, even though it sure felt like it sometimes.
The truth was that I had always been Everly, I was just too afraid to admit it.
Not anymore.
Nope.
I was going to embrace Everly Hope Davis. I was going to embrace the heck out of her.
With that resolve, a smile grew on my face and the final weight from Penelope’s world lifted, giving my soul the space to breath and live that it had always needed.
Life, I am so ready for you.
“I am so proud of the both of you,” Claire squealed, forcing Lio and I into a group hug with his mom, his dad, and her.
She was suffocating me, but I was too happy to care. Lio and I had successfully made it through college and we were with our family and friends celebrating. Well, mostly Lio’s family and friends, but still.
Life didn’t get any better than this, honestly. My heart had never been more full and my soul had never felt more liberated. Things had fallen into place, and after so many years of being unsteady, I was finally on solid ground.
I wasn’t going to lie, it felt good. Really, incredibly good.
“So am I,” Lio said, pulling out of her embrace. “I mean, I thought for sure that Ever was going to trip going up or down the stage but she was steady as a rock.”
I hit him playfully on the shoulder, sinking my nails into his dress shirt lightly. “Ha ha, handsome, you’re hilarious.”
He grabbed my hand and pulled my front against his side, smiling down at me. “I know, it’s one of my many redeeming qualities.”
“You have qualities?” I asked, scrunching my face in confusion.
“Oh, you want to play like that, huh?” He squeezed my sides.
“Who said I was playing?” I asked, raising my eyebrows in challenge.
I heard a longing sigh from my side and looked up to see Claire and Emily with sparkling eyes and gigantic grins.
“What?” I asked them, confused at their gawking eyes.
“I always knew you two were meant to be,” Claire said, her eyes shining with tears. She had been doing that a lot lately. Apparently having your first and only child graduate from college made her an emotional wreck, but the good kind of course.
“So have I,” Emily said.
His dad gave
us a tight smile, the only one I had ever seen on him, and stealthily excused himself from the group. I couldn’t blame him, I sort of wanted to slip away too.
“You would think that after like four years of us dating that they would be used to this by now,” I whispered to Lio.
He bent down and his lips brushed against my ear as he spoke, sending chills down my spine. “They’re best friends and their kids became best friends who eventually started dating. I would gawk too, it’s like the type of romantic movie you would watch on cable or something.”
I laughed, rolling my eyes at his ridiculousness. “You’re too much, you know that?”
“Nah, you seem to handle me just fine,” he said, moving his lips along my jaw. “Besides, you love me for it.”
“It’s true.” I smiled, moving my lips against his when they finally met mine. “I really, really do.”
He stopped his assault on my lips and looked up at our moms. Their cheeks were red and their smiles had somehow grown. They were eating this up.
“When are you two going to start talking about marriage?” Emily asked, her hands clapping ecstatically.
“How do you know we haven’t already started?” I asked with a smirk.
At the look of pure elation on their faces, Lio barked out a laugh.
“Mom, we’re still super young, I mean sure we’ve thought about it but that’s as far as it’s gone, so if you’re expecting to hear wedding bells anytime soon, I wouldn’t get your hopes up.”
Their faces fell, but only slightly, almost like they didn’t believe us. Ugh, mothers.
My chest swelled with pride. Claire was my mom, and she was more than I could have ever hoped for.
Life took dark turns sometimes, but somehow, someway it always led us back into the light.
Lio’s fingers laced through mine. “Now, if you’ll excuse us, I have something to show my girl.”
Blood rushed to my cheeks and my heart swelled with pride.
His girl.
Two simple words that always seemed to make me so freaking happy.
“What is it you have to show me?” I asked. “Or was that just a ploy to escape the piercing eyes and probing questions from your family?”
“Definitely more of an excuse than a ploy,” he said, pulling me to the side of the house, the only place that was empty of people. “But I really do have something to show, or give you actually.”
Lio pulled his hand from mine and wiped his palms against his jeans nervously.
“Oh yeah? You know how much I love gifts, so what is it that you’re so anxious to give me?” I clapped my hands together and did a little dance, anxiously waiting for him to respond.
“Ever?” He asked quietly.
“Yes, Lio?” I asked just as quietly.
“Can you please look around?”
“What do you mean?”
“Have you even bothered to see what’s around us right now?”
I tilted my head confused, but let my eyes wander the small space between the brick wall and side of the house.
I gasped and my jaw dropped.
“Lio,” I said in awe.
Along the surface of the walls on either side of us were cutout stars in varying sizes. I reached out, my fingers gliding along their surface. They were made from paper and colored in with crayon.
I let out a light laugh, my throat closing as tears sprang to my eyes. “You did this all on your own?”
“Yeah,” he said softly. “It took some time, but I wanted it to be perfect for you.”
“Lio, this is really thoughtful and sweet of you.” My fingers lingered on a star. “I want to pack them up and string them up in my room.”
“You mean our room?” He asked.
“What do you—?” I started to ask but stopped short when I turned to find him down on one knee with a star-shaped miniature jewelry box in his hands.
“I meant exactly what I said, Everly.” He played with the box, a smile lighting up his face. “Our home.”
“Our home.” I repeated, my body going numb from shock—the good kind, of course.
“Everly Hope Davis, my enchanted Ever,” he said with a small, secretive smile. “You are everything, and I know that’s vague but it’s true. You make my world better and my heart do crazy tricks whenever we’re together or apart. Every part of me belongs to you. It’s yours. I. Am. Yours. We’ve spent these last few years doing the distance and I don’t ever want to do that again. I just want to be with you.”
His eyes were sparkling with hope and a little bit of fear.
“I just want to be with you, too, Lio,” I said, staring at his shaky hands as they held the mysterious box.
“I was hoping you would say that,” he said confidently.
“Did you ever doubt me?” I asked, shaking my head. “What’s in the box, Lio?”
“What’s in the box, she asks,” he mumbled to himself. “What do you think is in the box, Everly?”
“My future?” I asked hopefully.
“You’re so smart, Everly, it’s one of the many reasons that I love you,” he said, slowly opening the box and holding it out toward me to see.
I took a deep breath and released it, unsteadily, as I stared at what sat wrapped in the middle.
A note was attached to the star-shaped key—he had really gone all out with the star theme—that sat inside the box.
I waited for him to say something more, and my heart raced at what literally felt like a mile a minute.
“This is the key to an apartment I rented us downtown, and I even got it made in the shape of your favorite thing because I figured you would have done it on your own anyway and thought that I would save you a step,” he explained, talking faster than before. He sounded nervous.
I crouched down and sat on my knees in front of him. My hands closed around the box in his hands and closed it, setting it on the ground.
“You got us an apartment?” My eyes never left his.
“Yeah, I did.”
“Downtown?”
“Your favorite place,” he said, his small smile growing into a barely contained grin.
I leaped forward and his arms wrapped around my body, settling on my waist. I pressed my palms against his cheeks and locked my hazel eyes onto his darker ones, shaking my head with uncontrolled happiness.
“Since you haven’t officially asked, I’m not going to give you my final answer,” I said with my own smirk, matching his.
“Everly Hope Davis, someday Everly Hope Smith, will you move in with me into our new apartment?”
“You bet I will, Elliot Smith,” I said, locking my lips with his and sealing my promise. “Our lives together are finally, officially just getting started, and I’ve never been more ready to explore this life with you.”
“I love you, so effing much,” he said passionately, his lips connecting with mine again as he sealed his own promise.
Life had finally turned around, and I couldn’t imagine anything better than living mine with Lio.
“Job searching is about my least favorite thing to do,” I said to Lio, frustration getting the best of my emotions.
We were just starting to settle into our new apartment, but I was too worried about the zero job leads I had gotten to really enjoy it.
“Babe, we’ve only been college graduates for a week, just give it some time,” he said, always supportive and optimistic no matter how dire the situation was.
“I know, I know,” I said, walking over to him and wrapping my arms around his neck. I pressed my forehead against his. “I just don’t like the waiting game, the uncertainty, ya know?”
“I know, but we’ve always talked about how everything happens for a reason.” He pressed a kiss against the side of my neck. “All good things come to those who wait, or something like that. Isn’t that how the old saying goes?”
I chuckled and shook my head. “Maybe. That sounds about right.”
“Ever, I’m going to ask you something and I don�
��t want you to punch me in the face for it, okay?”
“Okay, what is it?” I asked cautiously.
“Are you sure you still want to be a teacher?” He asked, slightly pulling away from me. “I mean, that was the-girl-who-shall-not-be-named life. I thought you were going to leave that behind.”
“I was,” I said, shaking my head. “I am. And now that you’ve asked, no I’m not really sure that I want to be a teacher. My patience isn’t all that great and it kind of makes my stomach churn—not in a good way.”
“What would make your stomach not churn, Ever?”
I hadn’t really thought about the answer to that question because thinking about it gave me an irrational strong force of fear, and I tried to avoid those types of feelings as much as possible. But that was kind of hypocritical since I was trying to make a habit of facing my fears head on and not running away from them.
I blew out a frustrated breath. “I honestly don’t really know.”
“Well, how about you take some time to think about it and stop stressing over a future that you don’t want to pursue that way you can focus on what you really want and give all of you to it instead of only half a heart.”
“You wouldn’t mind being the only full-time employee in this relationship?” I asked, feeling a little guilty about his selflessness.
“Not at all,” he said, pressing another soft kiss to my skin. “It would make you happy and that’s all I want in this world.”
“Ugh, you’re so good to me,” I said against his lips. “It’s crazy to think about how far we’ve come. I never thought we would where we are now if I’m being honest.”
“Really? I always knew we would end up here, I just thought we would have gotten here a lot sooner than we did,” he said, seemingly lost in thought. “It was your thirteenth birthday when I really knew. We were really young but I knew.”
“You knew what?” I asked.
“I knew that you were the one for me, that you were the person I would give my heart and soul to with no questions asked. You’ve always been it for me, Ever, even before I truly knew what it meant to love someone.”
This Life Isn't Mine Page 16
