by Shona Husk
That she could picture all too clearly.
Wear him out.
The idea had appeal but she’d never been that kind of girl, but then, she’d been so young that she’d never really had a chance to work out who she was.
Sex with Ed was…well, it had been so long she had nothing to compare to, but it had certainly worked for her, although it would be nice to try sober.
It was a day later and she was still thinking about his hands on her calves as he took off her shoes, the way his lips had been hot on her skin, and the feel of him inside her. She supressed a shiver of longing. She’d opened up the door to desire and now wanted to explore more.
The conversation turned to those who were pregnant again or were trying to get pregnant. As the chatter bubbled around her she watched the kids play. Di was right. He wanted her and she wanted him, and it didn’t matter if it went nowhere because they were both getting what they wanted right now.
If he called her, then she’d say yes.
If he didn’t…well then, there was no decision to be made.
Chapter 11
There was no one in the house except him. His father was at work, his mother and sister were at the salon—apparently everyone wanted their hair done before Christmas—Gemma was helping her mother get away from the man who had made Gemma’s teenage years hell, Mike was at work and Dan was doing whatever the fuck Dan did when he wasn’t here.
The silence was unnerving.
He’d texted Dan and got no response.
Ed knew he should be working but he couldn’t get started. After finishing the milk and the tin of Milo, he knew he’d have to go out and buy more or his mother would be pissed off. Finishing the milk and not replacing it was a capital offence and had been since he and Kirsten earned money and could drive. He deliberated going out now but he didn’t want to waste the morning at the shops, they’d be full of last minute Christmas shoppers.
So he texted Olivia, hoping that they could get together and he could ignore his lack of motivation a little longer.
Want to catch up?
He almost added that he had the house to himself, but that looked too much like all he cared about was sex.
Can’t right now. This evening?
Movies 1st?
Not staying over this time...how do you want to spend a few hours?
Hmm. He wasn’t sure what to make of that.
Come round and we’ll work something out.
7ish, after E’s bedtime?
He had to remember that she came with attachments. Plus she was looking for work. She couldn’t drop everything to spend the day with him.
OK C U then x
He pressed send then immediately wondered if the x was too much?
:) x
He exhaled with relief. Now he had nine hours to kill. He looked around the kitchen, then put his glass in the dishwasher. The lawn didn’t need mowing. Maybe he should go to the shops then getting the milk was done.
No. He had nine hours until he saw Olivia and he was on his own. If he couldn’t get one song written in that time, he should hang up his guitar and get a real job. A shit song was still a song. He gathered up the papers and notebook from his room, his tablet and an acoustic guitar, then sat out in the backyard.
He started flicking through the bits and pieces, looking for an idea or a few chords that sparked something. After a while, time lost meaning.
It was a rattle and the sound of something or someone hitting the ground that made him pause. The sun had crept around and was close to burning his feet and he was thirsty. He should take a break and relocate to somewhere where he wouldn’t burn.
Dan walked around the corner. “I texted. Thought you were ignoring me. Then I heard you.”
“So you jumped the fence?” He’d actually been enjoying being alone and he’d made progress on a couple of ideas. One of which was not for anyone but him because it was about Olivia.
Dan shrugged. “What you going to do? Bark at me?” he said as he chewed gum. At least the dishevelled look was over. “What you working on?”
Ed cringed at sharing something so half assed. Once it wouldn’t have bothered him. Dan was here now so they either finished this song or wrote something fresh. He had to suck it up. “It’s something I was thinking about while surfing.” The idea was weak—no, the idea was fine and so was the melody, it was his lyrics that were sucking. Dan might be able to work his magic. “What would you choose, a rip or a shark?”
“Did you get hit on the head with your board one too many times?” Dan sat and looked at him.
“I’m serious. Your two options are stay in the water with a shark or go for the shore where there is a rip.” Both were possibilities that he was well aware of.
“Remind me why you like surfing again?” The gum snapped between his teeth.
Ed shook his head. He couldn’t remember Dan ever being a gum chewer before and if he wasn’t going to be serious he’d be better off working alone.
“Rip,” Dan said after a few more seconds of thought.
“Why?”
“I dunno. I don’t like the idea of getting eaten.”
“But it may not bite you…you could drown.”
Dan was silent for a moment. “Yeah, but it was my choice, not the sharks.”
Interesting. Was Lisa the shark who’d taken a bite? Dan seemed better…too much better if that made any sense. “Anyway there’s no sharks in what I’ve written, just a rip, and the lyrics need work.”
“You say that about every fucking song you’ve ever written.”
Did he? He fiddled with the tablet and pulled up the last recording he’d made, making sure to close the song about Olivia. Then he made himself sit there and listen to the song about the rip.
The sound quality was crap, but it was enough that when he was toying with ideas they were captured instead of being lost.
“The first verse sounds pretty solid…second verse is a little rough and the chorus isn’t quite right.”
That was what he’d thought. It was okay, but not great. Not yet. “You want to work on it or do something fresh?”
“Send it to me and I’ll listen to it again later. Let’s do something else, something fresh.”
Ed looked at his notebook and papers. “Got any ideas?”
Despite not wanting the whole album to be tormented and dark, Rip, which would need a new title once the chorus was cleaned up, was following that vein. He wasn’t fool enough to deny the muses.
Dan chewed his gum and considered. “Rip is a little slower, it’s a nice balance to some of the stuff we already have…we need a Gemma song.”
By that he meant something a little more pop. Gemma wouldn’t be impressed but she did bring a snap and sparkle. “She said she’s working on some songs.”
Dan nodded, then he snapped his fingers. “What about something with epic drums? You remember that bit Mike laid down last year that we never used?”
“Yeah…we didn’t use it because it didn’t fit but it kicked.” Mike had been sad it hadn’t make the cut.
“Mike may not be here in body…”
But he was there electronically, if Ed could find the track. Today hadn’t been the waste he’d thought it would be, and there was Olivia’s visit to look forward to.
Olivia put the ring on and then took it off. She’d done the same thing a half a dozen times this morning. Now, in the driveway of the people who should’ve been her parents-in-law, she was stalling. Wearing the ring didn’t feel right anymore. If she wore it, she was lying to herself and them.
The alternative was telling them she was moving on. This Christmas she didn’t want to cry about what she didn’t have or the life she should’ve had. She wanted to celebrate what she did have…and that included seeing Ed tonight.
She’d read his text and thought about saying she couldn’t. But she could. Her parents were home and there was no reason she couldn’t go out for a few hours. So she’d accepted. Di would be proud o
f her, making the most of the guy who’d carefully avoided saying come round for sex while still making it clear that was what he was implying. He certainly hadn’t asked her out for dinner. But she wasn’t going to say no to what he was offering.
“Come on, Mummy. Nan will have presents.” Ethan kicked his legs wanting to be released from his car seat.
She glanced at her son in the rear-view mirror. “Yes, she will.” She held the ring in her hand for a second longer. She was allowed to move on, but she was aware that Miles’s parents never would.
At first she’d carried the guilt that it was somehow her fault, and that she should’ve done something to stop him from driving. Miles had claimed to be fine and she hadn’t wanted to cause a scene. She never trusted people when they said that now. Ed’s refusal to consider driving on a night out made her smile.
Her memories of that whole night made her smile. It was the morning after that gave her reason to pause. She needed to be like Di and enjoy the ride until it stopped, instead of focusing on the maybe and what-ifs. It was hard when it had become habit. She put the ring in her purse. She didn’t have to tell them she was seeing anyone. One thing at a time.
She turned off the car and got out, freeing Ethan before grabbing the bags and walking up to the front door. There would be no AC, only hot tea and fruitcake.
Her parents would serve fruit punch and mince pies.
How would Ed’s parents celebrate?
Karen opened up the flyscreen and let them in. Olivia’s heartbeat increased. How long until she noticed the missing ring? It wasn’t too late. She could put it on. No. They would find out eventually—did they really expect her to be single forever—and small steps were better. A slow change instead of an instant that could never be reversed.
The windows were open and the ceiling fan was on, moving the hot air around. Pictures of Miles decorated the lounge room, turning it into shrine. Ethan went straight for the toys while Olivia perched on the brocade sofa.
Karen poured the tea; the cake was already on the table uncut and fresh out of its packet. She was starting to hate fruitcake and everything it stood for. Her gaze darted around the room. Once she’d enjoyed coming here, now it was a chore and a constant reminder. She wished Karen would stop holding her breath and hoping that Miles was going to walk through the door at any moment. He wasn’t.
It had taken her three years to realise that she’d been waiting for something without realising she had to do something. It wasn’t a case of waking up one day and noticing that she’d moved on. It would be nice if it was that easy.
“This is for you.” Olivia held out the present.
“Thank you.” Karen smiled, but it was a shadow of what it had once been. In losing her son she’d lost part of herself. If anything happened to Ethan, Olivia didn’t know how she’d cope. Would she let sadness suck the life out of her until nothing remained, or find something positive to do? “There is something under the tree for you and Ethan.”
“Can I open mine now?” Ethan looked over, his eyes bright at the idea of presents.
“On Christmas Day.” He’d reached that age where he knew what a present was and wanted it now. He glanced at his grandmother hopefully and Olivia expected the older woman to give in to him. A bead of sweat trickled down Olivia’s back. She shouldn’t have made the AC in the car so cold, as the contrast was too much. It was too still and too stuffy, cloying with no fresh air for relief.
“Listen to your mother.”
“Can I have cake?” He approached the table.
“Sure. Take a plate and sit down.” Karen handed him a plate and a piece of cake.
Olivia knew he wouldn’t eat it. He’d pick the fruit out and make a mess. They watched him in silence. They had nothing to talk about except the past and she was done with that. While she could feel the shadow, she didn’t want to hide in it and wear it like armour.
“Miles used to do that too.” Karen smiled then sighed.
Olivia sipped her tea, mostly to give her something to do. “How is everything?”
“Good, David plans to retire at the end of next year. We might get a caravan and do a trip up north.”
“That sounds nice.” Getting away and rediscovering life was what they needed. What they all needed.
Karen’s gaze landed on Olivia’s hand. She said nothing, but Olivia saw her swallow hard and blink rapidly. “And you? What’s new?”
Olivia drew in a breath. “I lost my job as the café is under new management.”
“You’ll get another. You’re a smart girl.”
The wards chafed but she ignored the bite. She was smart, not a smart girl, or smart for a girl. People had once tried to discourage her from doing maths and accounting, because maths was supposedly hard for a girl. “I’m thinking about going back to uni to finish my degree.”
Karen nodded. “You can do that online now. David was talking about it. If he stays on, they want him to do some course.”
Online uni. Olivia watched as Ethan scattered cake crumbs on the floor as he stood. She wouldn’t have to go to classes. She could study at home around Ethan and work when she got a job.
Karen’s gaze flicked again to Olivia’s naked finger. “Any plans for Christmas?”
“Nothing special.” She had to say something. It was getting more weird and stilted than usual. Once she’d lived for these chats as it was her link to Miles, but at some point over the last year she’d come to dread them…no, not dread, but it was like getting sucked back to a time when she was so unhappy. She didn’t want to be that person anymore. “I decided to stop wearing the ring. I...I want to move on.”
The words hung in the air. Olivia pressed on. “You can have it, if you’d like.”
Perhaps it would give Karen some comfort. Olivia had no idea what to do with it, keep it for Ethan?
Karen shook her head and brushed away tears.
“I’m sorry.” She should’ve worn it. She should’ve waited until after Christmas to break the news.
“No. I knew this would happen. You’re young. You’ve got your whole life to live.” She sighed again. “I’m not ready to lose you too.” Her voice cracked.
Olivia got up and gave Karen a hug. She was not going to join in with pity tears. “You aren’t losing me. You will always be part of my life and Ethan’s.” She realised she didn’t want to cut out this part of her life…not totally. But she needed to reframe it to make room for new things, and new people.
“I have company coming, can you find something to do?” Ed smiled hopefully at his sister.
“Same girl or different girl?” Kirsten lay on the sofa flicking through the TV stations.
“Same girl…how many girlfriends do you think I have?” What the hell had Gemma been saying? He’d never cheated when he did have a girlfriend and it had been easier not to have one over the last year or so. Plus he hadn’t met anyone he actually wanted to talk to beyond the your place or mine question.
Kirsten laughed. “I’m just teasing. I’ll watch TV in my room, with ear plugs so I don’t have to listen to you grunting.”
“I don’t grunt.” He really needed to move out. If he and Dan pooled resources they could get a place. Although it didn’t make much sense when they were hardly home. Conversations like this made the expense seem worthwhile. “I manage to sleep knowing you and Gemma are doing whatever you do.” Truthfully, he tried not to think about it. He didn’t want to know.
Kirsten looked away as if suddenly interested in what was on TV. “I thought you didn’t have a problem.”
“I don’t. Your business and all that. Besides, Gemma is cool. But boundaries would be good. I don’t tease you about your girlfriends or boyfriends or torment them, so you respect mine. I haven’t had one in eighteen months. I’d like this relationship to have a chance to get off the ground.” It was already wobbly and he suspected that Olivia would run if startled.
“You really like her.”
Ed nodded. “I do.”
“And she’s not a groupie.”
“No. I met her at the beach. And she’ll be here soon.” He didn’t want to hide in his room with her like some horny teenager whose girlfriend only came around for sex.
Kirsten tossed him the TV remote, which he caught one-handed. “I’m moving.”
The doorbell rang.
“A little more notice next time would be nice. Shall I get it?” She peeled herself off the sofa and took a few steps toward the front door.
“No.” Ed stepped in front of her.
She shrugged. “You afraid I’ll turn her?”
“Jesus, K. No. It’s a new thing, give me a chance. Boundaries, remember?”
She made a biting gesture with her hand as she walked by him. Yeah, he’d taken the bait and swallowed the hook that time. He’d forgotten how easily Kirsten could push his buttons. They still argued like ten year olds.
Ed walked over to the front door as his father started down the stairs. “I got it, Dad.”
Did everyone have to butt into his personal life?
“I wondered how long you were going to leave the poor girl out there.”
He was so moving out as soon as this second album was done. And now he had no choice but to let her in while his Dad hovered. Mood killer.
He unlocked the door. Olivia was in another shapeless long dress, but it was strapless, with her hair done up in a messy knot on top of her head. He’d only seen it down the once.
“Hi.” He gave her a quick kiss on the cheek as she came in and prepared to introduce her to his father.
When he turned, his father had gone back upstairs where his parents were obviously sitting on the balcony watching the sunset and the street. He was very grateful for small mercies, although he was sure there was a lecture coming in his near future. His dad had that look about him, had for a while.
“Hi.” She glanced around as if expecting to see people. “No one else home?”
“My parents are upstairs…” Did she want to meet them? “And my sister is around.”
“My parents would be insisting on an introduction.”
He laughed, but suspected he was about one visit away from his parents asking who she was…unless they were assuming it was different girls, like Kirsten had. If his dad tried to do a safe sex reminder he would die and then pack his bags. “Yeah, parents.”
