by Toni DeMaio
“Ha! Good point, but I’ve been hearing some good things about internet dating. That seems to be where all the hot to trot older singles are. They’re at home on the computer trying to meet each other. The perfect site for you would be the one for widows and widowers, or maybe that E-Harmony one where they give you all the tests to find the right match. Haven’t you seen the commercials? You should break down and get a computer. You know Kat would show you how to use it.”
“I’ve thought about it but I’m not sure it will work for me.”
“Why the hell not? It works for all those other people! Everyday you hear about someone else who found their husband or their wife on one of those sites. I know,” Liz says, leaning forward and putting her empty mug down on the ottoman, “You pick a card. I can’t wait until you get the card that says you will soon meet a tall, dark, handsome stranger. Then maybe you’ll start looking.”
I laughed. “That’ll be the day I win the Powerball too, and I don’t think this deck has a card like that. But I did get the ‘Live in Love card today. It’s all about universal love.”
“Universal love is okay, but a tall, dark, handsome stranger is a lot more fun.”
“I disagree. I’m happy, and you know how long it took for me to be able to say that again.”
Liz reaches out and squeezes my hand. “You’ve survived some dark days, My Friend.”
“Yeah, Kat and I both have. I just wish Kat would open up to me a little more. I’ve felt she’s been hiding something important for years. I was in such bad shape back then I can understand why she wasn’t eager to confide in me, but I’m not that person now.”
Liz nodded, “For sure, but she always was more laid back than my Lilly. What has it been? Eleven years now since you both lost Bob and Angel within a freaking month of each other?”
“Ten; and you’re right, she took it very hard; we both did.” I sipped my tea as the memories raced back. “It was such a stormy day. Bob needed some nails to finish whatever project he was working on out there in his shed and you remember how antsy he always got on rainy or snowy days. He was just itching to finish what he’d started and even though I asked him not to go, he went anyway. I had a bad feeling about the roads, but he just laughed at me.”
“Nails,” Liz said, shaking her head, “are hardly crucial to life and certainly nothing to risk it for.”
“You can say that again, but who can tell an old man anything once he’s got his mind made up.”
“My Jack is just as stubborn.” She stood, stretched and yawned. “Oh, no, look at the time. Now he’s going to be cranky cause I’ve made him wait around. I’d better listen to the angels and get moving or Jack will think I’m hiding out over here and trying to avoid the gym.”
“Like that isn’t what you’re doing…And be careful you don’t hurt yourself in spin class.”
“Ha! Don’t get up, Meri, I’ll let myself out. See you later.” Then she grabbed both of our empty mugs and brought them out to the kitchen with her. In another minute the bell on the back door tinkled and I knew she’d left.
I got up anyway and went for a second cup of tea, thinking about what Liz had said. Finding a man is a long shot, and I’ll be lucky if I even end up with some grandkids to love. Of course that’s totally up to Kat and it’ll only be possible now if she cooperates and finds the love of her life before it’s too late for kids.
I agree with Liz that she’s become more secretive since the terrible shock we both had early that March when her dad passed so suddenly.
Kat was only nineteen and a sophomore at Cal Tech. That phone call I had to make to tell her what had happened was the worst one I’ve ever made.
Then, only one month later, her sister, Angel, left us in her sleep. We’d known she had a heart murmur, but it had never caused a problem. And the worst part is Angel had been so busy with her modeling in New York City I hadn’t seen her in weeks
I was a mess and in no shape to help Kat deal with it any better than I could. She came home from school for both funerals, but we were both numb with grief and not much comfort for each other.
I was hurt but not surprised when Kat called me from school late that May to tell me she and Lilly had decided to travel through California and into Mexico that summer. They had money saved from their part-time jobs, and even though Liz and I hadn’t been thrilled with the news, we had no choice but to accept their decision since they were both nineteen and of legal age,
They’d bought an old van together the summer before freshman year, and all Liz and her husband, Jack, and I could do was pray and wait nervously for their weekly phone calls.
When the girls came home in early September for two weeks just before their junior year began, we were all just relieved they’d both survived the summer.
I was doing a lot better by then but I sensed there was something else wrong with Kat beyond the grief, but she has never discussed it with me. To this day I don’t know for sure what happened to Kat that summer, or why she chose to stay away.
When she went back to school I was glad because I wanted Kat to get a good education and to use the scholarship she’d won, but the loneliness nearly crushed me. It wasn’t long after she left, I decided to sell our home across town, and accept my dad’s invitation to move back here to help him run the family’s Bed and Breakfast.
I love this place and I’ve never regretted that decision. The way I see it, Kat and I are blessed to have some angels of our own in the family and I always say it’s a blessing to have friends in high places. It probably makes it easier for me to accept our losses because at the start of my third act in life I know I’ll see everyone again sooner than later. But for now, I’m ready for my next adventure, so I think I’ll listen to Liz for once and ask Kat to help me set up a computer, and give love one last try.
CHAPTER FOUR
TO
My life sucks even more now than it did two years ago when mommy died and I would never have believed that such a thing was possible. My little brother, Anthony, and I thought we’d die when she left us; that’s how terrible it was. It was the worst thing that could ever have happened to any kid.
The only thing that helps me feel better at all is drawing on the sketch pad with the pastels Mommy gave me, on our last Christmas together. So now drawing and writing in my diary are the only things keeping me from going completely crazy.
Mommy was sick for a long time, but we prayed so hard for God to make her live, we didn’t expect it when she died anyway. Daddy said it wasn’t God’s fault, it was just her time to go home to Heaven and there was nothing anyone could do about it. Now we’re supposed to be glad we still have each other and to stay strong, and somehow we will all live through it. Mommy would want us to live our lives and be happy.
He said she’s our special Angel in Heaven, and she will always send us love and look after us. Anthony and I just stood there and stared at him when he said that because if that was supposed to make us feel better, it didn’t.
When you’ve had a real mommy who loved and took care of you, the idea of an Angel you can’t even see doing the same thing sounded pretty lame to us. We know Daddy tries, though.
I try not to blame God because I wouldn’t want to risk making Him mad at me, because you never know. So on Sunday when we go to church with the family, we always light a candle for Mommy and we all say, “Amen,” after Daddy thanks God for giving her to us, even though she wasn’t able to stay very long.
But what I really want to do is scream as loud as I can and say, “No! That’s crap! I want my mommy and I want her now! No part of her being dead will ever make me feel grateful!” Of course I would never say anything like that out loud, but only I get to control what I think…even in church.
Bad enough our Mommy left us, but losing our home in the same year was more than most grown people could take. I remember Anthony screamed like a little baby when Daddy said we had to sell our house and move here to The Poconos just because his family lives here
and can help him out with us! The whole idea upset me so much I got sick to my stomach and was sure I had the flu.
These mountains are just plain wicked cold! Not anything like San Diego which is a perfect place to live. There’s no ocean around here at all just big dumb lakes and I can’t be happy without the ocean!
This place totally sucks. Long before winter even gets here it’s hard to get warm at night when I get into my bed, honest to God, the sheets feel like they’ve been in the refrigerator! Daddy says to wear socks to bed, and my flannel pajamas, but that only helps a little.
What helps more is when Anthony sneaks into my room and crawls in bed with me. It’s a lot easier to sleep when we can do it all cuddled together. The thing I love best in the world now is my baby brother and I would do anything to keep him safe. Anything! He was only two when Mommy died and he needs me even more now to remind him what she was like. I will always make sure he never forgets every little thing about her.
He says he does remember how nice she was and he says he knew she really loved us, even though he was just a baby, and I’m glad. Every night we look at the pictures in our album of all of us together and it helps a little bit.
Daddy gets tears in his eyes when he looks at the pictures, so we don’t do it that much in front of him. I do love my daddy but I’m still mad at him for making us move here!
The only good thing about moving here is my grandma. She’s an awesome cook, just as good as Mommy, and she makes sure we always have a special dinner and lots of home-baked cookies in our cookie jar. But her hugs are even better than her cooking. We love to have sleepovers at her house. Having a grandma who loves you is great, but nothing can replace your mommy, not even your daddy.
My Aunt Lisa is pretty cool too, and my cousin, Gia, is in my class and in after- school-gymnastics and soccer with me and we’re kind of best friends now, especially since Gia’s real daddy died too, so we have a lot in common. And Gia’s little brother, Sal, isn’t all that annoying. It’s nice that he and Anthony get along okay too, for four year olds, but I don’t like Aunt Lisa’s new husband, Uncle Mario.
I have the feeling he’s not a good person, but for some reason, nobody else in the family seems to have a problem with him. That’s the way I think it is in big Italian families. Once you’re a member of the family, they all love you forever, no matter what. You’d probably have to kill somebody to get kicked out of this family, and I’m not even sure they’d turn their backs on you then.
Aunt Lisa works the lunch shift at Grandma’s restaurant and so most every day she’s the one who picks us all up after school and then we stay with her at her house until Daddy gets done working and comes to get us. It’s fun being with Aunt Lisa and she’s smart and good for helping with homework, but none of us like it when Uncle Mario watches us instead.
Even Gia doesn’t seem to care much for him, and he’s her step-dad, which I think says a lot. He stares at us in a way I can’t explain, but it creeps me out! And he doesn’t have any patience at all with the boys, so both Anthony and Sal know to keep out of his way. I just don’t trust him. It’s a good thing Aunt Lisa isn’t called back to work when we’re there very often; only when one of the night waitresses needs time off.
I was really hoping Daddy would let Gia and Sal come over here for a sleepover Saturday night, but it turns out he already made plans for all of us to have dinner with his best friend from back in the day, Tom, and his family. If that isn’t bad enough news, he acted weird and wouldn’t look me in the eye when he added that Tom’s wife’s friend, some lady named Cat, which is too funny, is also going to be there.
I wouldn’t think much about it if Daddy hadn’t turned as red as Grandma’s marinara sauce when he told us about her. And now I don’t think I’m going to like her at all. Daddy says she works at the bank and helps him to make his sales by getting the money for his clients to buy a house and pay him. That’s a good thing, but if that was the whole story, then why is daddy blushing?
Anthony and I don’t want a step-mother. I think it’s too much of a risk. I mean, look what happened to Gia and Sal. We could easily get some lady in here who comes around being all nice to us at first, then later…look out! There are enough movies about it on T.V. They wouldn’t keep telling the same story if it didn’t happen a lot. At least that’s what I think.
Gia says when you're single parent starts dating, it’s all great at first and then, after they get married, it doesn’t take long before things change and you have a new parent, practically a stranger, messing with you. Who needs that? Anthony and I are fine with just Daddy.
“Dinner’s ready.” Daddy calls from the kitchen.
I really hope this is one of the nights Grandma sends over something special from her restaurant. It’s one of the best places I know. We usually go there to eat on the weekend and we love the mandolin players who walk all around the restaurant. Anthony and I are learning all the words to ‘That’s Amore’ in Italian. Anthony always laughs when we get to the part that goes, ‘When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore!’ Believe it or not it sounds even funnier in Italian.
“Time to eat, Shortie,” I call to him and then we run down to the bottom of the stairs where the wonderful smell hits us. “Yay!” I call out, “Chicken parm!”
“Yay,” Anthony copies me and leaps from the third step up all the way to the bottom.
“Don’t do that, Son. You don’t want to break your ankle, do you?”
Anthony shakes his head hard and slides into his seat in the yellow breakfast nook. We never have eaten in the dining room because there’s just the three of us now and we think it’s cozy in here.
“Let’s see,” Daddy says, grinning at us. “What else did Grandma send us for dinner?” He opens another container and Anthony wrinkles up his nose and says, “Yuk! Artichokes are nasty!”
“No they aren’t,” I say, “Too bad for you but that leaves more for me and Daddy. Right, Daddy?”
“You bet,” Daddy says and spoons up some chicken parmesan with spaghetti on Anthony’s plate, and then gets the left-over broccoli out of the refrigerator and warms it up for him. I’m next and he gives me the same thing he’s having, with an extra helping of the artichokes for both of us, and we all just eat for a while. Like I said, Grandma is a great cook!
“So how was school, Guys?”
“Good.”
“Okay.”
This is how it goes every night. Daddy makes a few lame jokes, and then he checks our homework for mistakes. After that, we all clear the table and load the dishwasher and then we head into the living room to watch a little T.V. before our story; then baths and bed. No surprises in this house.
Nothing very fun ever happens around here either. Not like back home when Mommy was alive. She made every day seem special even if it really wasn’t. Some people are just like that. I guess Daddy and me and Anthony aren’t any good at making her kind of magic.
Sometimes when Anthony and I go through the picture album he’ll look at my hair, which is red and then he’ll look at a picture of Mommy and say, “Look, Tori, you look just like Mommy.”
But I know I don’t. Mommy had red hair too, but mine is different. It’s thicker, harder to do anything with, and not as pretty as hers used to be.
Most of the time now Daddy just brushes my hair back into a high pony-tail. I figure that’s for the best. It really is hard to do much else with it. Sometimes, on the weekend, Aunt Lisa, or Grandma, use a curling iron and make it look kind of nice with lots of long curls, much better than the frizzy mess it usually makes if I let it hang down past my shoulders.
Suddenly Anthony starts laughing and rolling around on the floor at some stupid thing that just happened on America’s Funniest Home Videos. It’s a re-run and I didn’t laugh the first time I saw it.
I haven’t been paying attention to the T.V. because I can’t stop thinking about this coming Saturday night. What if this Cat-person turns out to be Daddy’s girlfrie
nd? What if he decides to marry her and we end up with an evil stepmother? If I don’t say something right now, I think my head will explode.
“Daddy, do you like this Cat-lady like a girlfriend or just a regular friend?”
Daddy spins around to face where I’m sitting on the dark purple sofa. “What did you say?”
I gulp first because he doesn’t look happy. “I was just wondering how much you like this Cat-lady who’s going to be at the dinner Saturday night? I mean…do you like her a little or a lot?” Now I’m the one with marinara-sauce-face.
“I…I really haven’t given it much thought, Tori,” he says, “Can I ask you why you’re asking me questions like this?” Daddy looks like he really wants to know, so I tell him.
“Well, it’s just that Anthony and I don’t want a step-mother. We see how Gia and Sal aren’t that happy about having Uncle Mario as a step-dad, and we figure we don’t need the aggravation.”
Daddy starts to laugh, but hides it behind his hand. “Aggravation? “
“Huh?” Anthony asks, glancing at us briefly when he hears his name mentioned; then stares back at the T.V.
“You know what I mean, Daddy. We like it the way it is now with just the three of us. Grandma’s a good cook, and we have Aunt Lisa to watch us and The Merry Maids to clean the house, so who needs a woman around here?
I stare back at him, a little scared to hear his answer.
Daddy rubs his chin for a while and looks up at the ceiling; then he sighs, “First of all, this isn’t the right time to have a conversation about this because I don’t even have a girlfriend. But, I also can’t promise you two that I never will. As time goes on, I may want to share my life with someone special. But that won’t make any difference in how much I love the both of you and always will.”
