by David James
“What is it?”
She wanted nothing, her eyes spoke that much. I could see the way they shone, dull and gray, and knew my secret would break her completely. She was already crying.
Last night would be another secret untold.
“Everything is pretty good,” I said, smiling wide. I felt her look away. “I’m sure, Mom. Nothing new.”
I could see it in her eyes whenever I spoke: Luke.
This conversation was killing her.
My heart: I am killing her.
I turned to look down at my plate.
I wanted to say this: Tyler is right. I will never be what he is. I know that now. There is nothing to worry about.
But I couldn’t.
Still, I worried for Mom more. Her eyes were sunken so that a deep blackness encircled each, and her skin had become sallow and tight. Even her lips seemed thinner, as if her breaths came less frequently. As if she weren’t breathing at all.
“So,” I started, not knowing where I was going. “I went over Tyler’s last night to have dinner with his family. Mrs. Little wishes you her best.”
She grabbed the newspaper next to her, turning it to the Lifestyles section. “Hmmm. Sounds nice.”
“You know, Mom,” I tried, “you should really think about coming over to the Littles one day. I know they would really love to have the both of us over.”
“We’ll see,” she replied, her face buried in the newspaper. “Twenty more gone from Jefferson County. They say the count is up to a few hundred in Detroit and Memphis. Two more missing since yesterday from Lakewood Hollow. I wonder why they didn’t mention any names. Have you heard anything?”
“Not a thing,” I sighed and took another sip of my bitter coffee.
She wrinkled the paper and moved it closer. “They’re saying everyone should act normal, that because nothing is confirmed we shouldn’t worry.”
I couldn’t help it. “Mayor White is dead. The whole state is basically red with blood and you agree we should ignore it?”
She didn’t answer.
We sat in the kitchen for a few more minutes, quietly sipping our coffee and enjoying the silence of company. It was the perfect Saturday morning, except that Mom wasn’t really reading the paper, and I wasn’t really enjoying the silence.
“So, what are your plans for the rest of the day?” Mom said, brushing the paper softly with her hand to smooth the permanent wrinkles.
“The Homecoming bonfire is tonight,” I told her. “If they don’t cancel it because of the missing people.”
“Sounds good,” she said.
“Are you sure? We could hang out instead, I went to the bonfire last year so I pretty much know how it goes.”
“No, no. It’s really okay,” she said, smiling and shaking her head. “I actually have some work I need to finish for a board meeting on Monday, so that will give me some extra time to work in the quiet house.”
“Okay,” I said.
She got up from the table, gripping her mug tightly. “I think I’m going to go rest for a while. I’ll see you in a bit. Remember to wear a sweatshirt tonight. Your green one’s clean.”
Perfect, I thought.
~
Every year Homecoming made the air thick with hope and anticipation. And every year that feeling reached a crescendo on the night of the Homecoming bonfire. Students gathered from all crowds to feel the warmth for all different reasons. There were those hoping they might meet their true love, and those anticipating a night with one already found. Hope for popularity and anticipation of rejection. The bonfire was a night of moments; some screamed out loud and some better left unsaid. Tonight, though, the quiet moments were framed in a circle of officers, armed and ready.
I looked at the police in their blue uniforms, the orange light from the bonfire making their black holsters shine. They were safety.
For tonight-
I’m safe.
Though I couldn’t help but wonder: If Lakewood Hollow was supposed to be living normally, why were we surrounded like this?
I made my way through bodies that moved like flames afraid to burn out, each of them kissing another, intertwined. I always loved the way the air smelled on this night: burnt and alive. It reminded me of everything good about my childhood, all the happy memories of camping trips and s’mores before the downfall. There was something about a bonfire that made it magical, a beacon in the night signaling that anything could happen.
I saw Annabelle and Chad kissing feverishly in the darkness just beyond the firelight, ignoring the officer glaring at them. Their rings glinted against the fire and, bright as the flames were, the night seemed to embrace them in shadow. I wondered if they were cold, or if their love was keeping them warm. With their hands linked together, dark and light, I wondered if they were happy.
The shadows dancing off the fire felt like warnings; somewhere out there was my father, his heart beating for one more drop of blood.
I moved slow, cautious. Looking around, I found Tyler standing with a few guys from the football team. Brett, Justin, and Charlie; they always included me in anything the group did. Or tried to. I tried to be polite about turning them down most of the time; I couldn’t stand around for hours talking about grunts and burps. Together Tyler and I were different, but with this group I knew I didn’t fit. I tugged my green hood on and walked over.
“Hey guys,” I said, pulling my hoodie tighter around me. “What’s going on?”
Charlie grunted.
“Not much, Wade,” Justin said, slapping my back. “What’s up?”
“Nothing,” I shrugged, feeling my shoulders shake.
Tyler walked up next to me and whispered, “You okay? You seem upset.”
I sighed. “You know, sometimes I hate that you’ve known me for so long.”
His lips tilted to a smile, but in the soft light I could see his emerald eyes dark as night wanting more. “Spill it. Come on, let’s walk.”
The crowd shifted around us as we moved, waving to people we knew and those we didn’t. For every step we took, a pop of burning log sounded, sparking bright moments of light into the night.
I breathed deeply, inhaling the smoky air as if autumn would be gone tomorrow. I whispered, “I saw my Dad last night on the way back from your house.”
Tyler stopped but said nothing. His eyes, now an orange color from the light of the fire, were wide. Was even he afraid of my father?
“He was just there, out of nowhere,” I continued. “He was crazy and he grabbed my arm and my neck and his eyes were so angry.”
“You okay?” Tyler’s voice was barely audible. “Did he hurt you?”
I shook my head. “I’m okay, but he told me I have two more days left.”
“Two days? But Kate said you had three. Does that mean they know each other?”
I felt my face grow pale. “I don’t know. But I don’t want to think about it now, Tyler. What happens to me tomorrow or the day after? I don’t want to think about it.”
He nodded. “Okay.”
For a while we stood there, both silent. The sounds of the bonfire popped around us, but somehow we stayed untouched.
And then words I couldn’t stop escaped: “You should have seen the way he looked, Tyler.” I was shaking now. “His eyes so sunken-in like he was nearly dead. He was so pale. But he was so excited to see me. It was like he was possessed by someone that wanted me dead.”
Tyler just smiled. “I don’t know what’s going on,” he said and patted my shoulder, “but I do know that at least for tonight we should forget this. Like you said, let’s not think about it right now. We’re as safe as we can be here; there are like twenty cops walking around. Forget Kate. Forget your Dad. Forget everything that has ever made us anything less. Maybe it’s what we both need. It’ll be like magic. Tonight will solve everything if we just let it.”
“Yeah,” I said, though my entire body shivered. Even so, I thought of the night before, of Dad. With so many people aroun
d, surely one more night couldn’t hurt anything. “Maybe you’re right. Let’s just have fun.”
“And tomorrow we can figure everything out.”
Tyler shouted at his friends and we walked back over to where they were standing, waiting for magic to happen.
Charlie grunted.
“Whoa! You’re right, Charlie,” Justin said. “Check it out guys. Across the fire. Smokin’!”
The three of them grunted back as Tyler elbowed me in the shoulder. “It’s her. It’s Kate.”
She was standing across the fire, the flames flickering across her face, sheltering her from me. Sparks seemed to fall from the sky, reminding me of the single red leaf that fell the day before, burned like the ash from the fire.
“Go talk to her,” Tyler said, pushing me forward. “Maybe this is the sign you were waiting for. Go confront her and ask her what the hell is going on.”
But I couldn’t. I was frozen. “No.”
“Do it,” he urged. “Ask her what she meant when she told you ‘three days’. You deserve an answer.”
I didn’t even realize I was moving until I was right in front of her, beyond the fire. Had I walked through the flames, or around them?
I stood there, unsure, hands in my pockets.
“What?” she asked, arms crossed, a frown etched deep in her face. The light from the fire made the tattoo on her finger blaze like a tiny flame itself. Her eyes were locked on the fire, looking a beautiful shade of yellow-purple.
Talk.
“Hi,” I said.
Like lightning she turned to face me, her hand reaching forward, finger poking me in the chest. So close, her face glowed, the firelight shining like a hundred soft candles. I almost fell backwards.
“I don’t know how you hide it so well. You think you’re so great, so in control of everything but you have no idea.” Her lips bent and she shook her head.
“Uh. Okay,” I started, ignoring the way her touch made me dizzy. “I have no idea what you’re talking about, Kate. I’ve done nothing to you. I barely even know you. You’re the one who threatened me. Tell me what’s happening in a few days. Tell me what’s going on!”
She crossed her arms again and spat, “Oh, shut up. You know exactly what’s going on and who I am. You are sick and pathetic going around like you are trying to blend in. All these innocent people missing and you don’t even blink!”
Cold.
“What? I have nothing to do with the missing people. Do you know anything about what’s going on?”
“I know more than you think.” She scowled. “The Bloodletter is the least of your worries. The Orieno is gaining strength and you sit in school and do nothing like you have no idea what’s been happening all around you. That you don’t know you’re the one they want and all these people would be alive if not for you.” She shook her head. “Marcus warned me that this would happen, that you would play the fool, but don’t think your little act here tricked me for one second. I’ll give you tonight; there are too many cops. But if you leave I will kill you no matter what the Order says. No matter what the consequence.”
I felt so cold.
My entire body felt dead, as cold and lifeless as a corpse. Still, my heart beat fast, so rapidly it seemed to stop. My vision tilted and, my lips dry and crack, I whispered, “Kate. What are you talking about?”
Her eyes met mine for the first time all night and I could have sworn the fire burned brighter, more blue and purple and angry. The other world faded to black around us and it was just her and I.
One moment lasted forever.
One dark, infinite inferno.
“Oh my god,” she breathed, bringing a hand to her mouth. She took a step back. “Why do you look... How... You have no idea do you?”
Fear burned in her eyes, and I found myself being more afraid because of it.
“Kate,” I said stepping forward. “Explain this to me so I can understand. What are you talking about?”
“Don't,” she said, and moved further back. “Don’t you dare come near me!”
She reached out and punched me in the stomach. It was like nothing else I’d ever felt; not even Tyler could punch that hard. I fell to the ground in a heap just as rain began to fall from blackness. The world burned around me. Rain poured down, for a moment looking like mirrored droplets of tiny flames, reflecting the fire before killing it. Smoke lifted into the dark sky.
From across the extinguished fire I could see Kate, running away through the crowd. I was sure she had made it rain. Who else but a beautiful monster could have killed such a beautiful night?
Chapter Seven
Hearts on Fire
-Calum-
Hearts falling from the sky,
Twisting like bodies in the air.
Burning.
Hearts on fire.
Red and orange and green turned black.
Life falling all around me,
My world burning.
Cruel hands, black and gray,
Moving toward me.
Wanting.
Needing.
Branches of autumn’s rage,
Spiked daggers of decay.
Moving closer.
Everything moving closer.
Always closer.
Then, in the second before I drifted back to the real world and away from the cruel dream, I heard a voice; the same lyrical timbre I’d heard in the parking lot two days before. Though perhaps it was me, my mind, dreaming a warning I couldn’t understand.
“Walk away from trouble.
Rise with your brother moon.
Follow the light of it, a road.
Listen.
It is time, for darkness is close.
Become who you will always be, Caeles,
Who you have been born to be
One thousand times before, and always.”
The voice played over and over in my mind, but it made no sense. Nothing did. Like razor blades stuck deep underneath my tongue, my world felt uncomfortable to live in. Last night’s dream left me in disarray. Only when I woke did I realize the hearts had been real hearts, burning bright as they fell as madly as torn leaves. Realizing that made my own shake with fury.
And as I lay listening to my heartbeat, barely breathing, I could only think of Kate.
Today is the day, I thought, sucking in air through my nose. Sunday had come and gone without a thought, and I still smelled like fire, dark and smoky. Last Friday I met Kate and Dad tried to kill me. Today must bring something, some kind of truth to help me understand.
As much as I feared what was to come, one thought, bright as the sun rising red outside, raced through my mind: Today I will have an answer. One way or another I knew today was a day that would bleed truth. I could feel it.
I kept my eyes closed. Time went by so slowly when you were half asleep and half awake; it was the perfect time to daydream. Hoping, of course, that you didn’t actually fall back into a nightmare. My alarm was still safely set though, so I didn’t worry. No way did I want to be at school early. Not today.
I rolled over so that I could see out the window, resting both hands, as if praying, under my cheek. The sun was already high in the sky and its rays beat down, warming my room and making it too hot to be under the comforter. It was such a strange sight to see first thing in the early morning, before school, before my world actually started. Lately, the darkness of autumn had become prominent, overflowing the atmosphere with its feeling of chilled comings. But today was different. Today was light.
Maybe it won’t be so bad.
With a big sigh, I ripped off my comforter and felt a breath of relief as the cool bedroom air hit my naked calves, skipped over my boxers, and ran up my stomach and chest. I rolled out of bed. My feet crunched on crumpled pieces of paper inked black and blue with words. I bent down and picked up a piece so scratched with ink, scars ran up and down where I had crossed through words.
This I wonder can feel:
I am nothing my dreams
.
I am afraid of haunted by them.
They tell me secrets. They are whispers of truths.
I can feel my soul screaming at me to open up and believe.
Still, there isn’t I can’t find a truth to believe in.
I am nothing without truth someone more than this.
I am someone.
Am I even alive? Who am I?
The words shook in my hand, tiny letters shattering me. I had written this months ago. My dreams then were so haunted and real. I remembered the mist taking me each night. I remembered the light, my savage, saving grace. I remembered so much about my dreams, but I still didn’t know the truth about my reality.
Still my dreams were like that.
Still I had no truth.
I threw the paper to the floor and pushed my shoulders back. Today would be different than my dreams; it would be real. Answers were powerful things. That was enough.
I walked to the mirror on the back of my door and locked eyes with my reflection. Even if I didn’t know who I was today, I knew who I wouldn’t be.
I remembered his words: I’m doing this for you...
“I am not my father,” I whispered.
For a moment, he was all I could see. His eyes looked back. His hair lay matted on mine. His lips smiled as he drank me in.
I closed my eyes, willing that singing voice to fill my head again. I knew it wasn’t anything real, but lately, aside from Tyler, it was the only thing that believed in me.
Then, like the light in my dreams: Become who you will always be...
When I opened them, my eyes shone as bright as the moon, ever blue, and I was me.
I was me.
I had black bags under my eyes, and my hair, looking more messy than normal, was thrown every which way. I still had on my hoodie from yesterday and somehow it was half on and half off, one arm in and one arm exposed.
But I was me.
I was not my father’s son today.
I smiled-
let him fade to dust.
