Everybody wanted to tell him what to do but not how to do it. This job was getting annoying. “Since everything is my job I suppose that means the imp’s red coat that might blow me to bits will have to do,” Tad said.
“You want to wear that thing?” Sev asked.
“Unfortunately, it can’t be helped.” But at least Roselle wasn’t around to see him when he wasn’t at his best. That coat would make anybody look homely. Still, it was a good plan. “There are two beasts out there so we’ll need a distraction.”
Chapter 16
“What are you planning?” Nan asked.
“To use myself as bait for the second beast so Nila can get close enough to Hameus to break the curse,” Tad answered. “Since I can magic myself away in a flash, it seems like that’s the solution.” If terror didn’t cause his brain to freeze like it had done at Gram’s cabin. “The two of you will need to keep a lookout for Dame Muriel.”
Tad moved to the shelf where he had stowed the boginn imp’s coat. He pulled on the stinky shag covering and checked himself out in the mirror next to the suit of armor he still dreamed of wearing, were it not much too large. The thing he wore now was too small in a few places.
He heard Pip whisper behind him, “Look, fat guy in a little, red coat.”
Bird snickers filled the air.
“What are you doing here again?” Tad said. He didn’t bother to turn around.
“The little porkers got away from me while I was…thinking,” Pip replied.
Highly improbable. “And you thought it acceptable to not go looking for them?”
“I thought I would ask the globe where they are.”
“The way they rattle about you can hardly lose them,” Nan said.
“They’re sneaky,” Pip replied. “I’m sure they’re up to no good.”
Tad turned to him and raised an eyebrow. “So, ask the globe, then.”
Pip did not budge. “Maybe you should ask, since you’re the new guy. You need the practice.”
Tad eyed him. “Oh, I insist. Show me how it’s done, o great one.”
Pip looked sideways at the globe.
“It doesn’t listen to you, does it?” Tad beamed at the magic orb.
Pip did not answer.
“Can’t keep track of a few children, can’t read minds, can’t even order the globe around.” Tad sighed loudly, dramatically. “What can you do, Pip?”
“I have skills. But what do you do all day?”
Tad turned this way and that in the mirror. The coat dragged the ground and was too large in the shoulders and too small in the waist. “I woo my true love,” he replied with absolutely no interest at all in the topic at hand.
“What do you do for money?” Sev asked.
“Yeah, we haven’t seen any evidence that you do anything at all except hide from a girl,” Pip said.
Tad did not answer but kept inspecting himself in the mirror. He had to get this shaggy coat to work.
“You are lazy,” Pip said very loudly and slowly.
“You are a featherbrain,” Tad replied without looking at him. “And I happen to be a gentleman of leisure.” That was mostly true.
“How pathetic. You are as useless on this case as you are to society.” Pip lifted his head as if trying to assume a pose of supremacy. “I don’t know why the Lady chose you.”
“Look, Pipsqueak, my father is a famous craftsman.”
“You can’t even button your coat,” Pip replied.
Tad tugged at the waist belt and managed to fasten it, though it squished his innards. “Admittedly, I take after my mother.”
“Is she fat, too?” Pip asked.
“She most certainly is not fat. She happens to be a beautiful, sweet woman, and the finest cook in the realms, and—”
“Lies,” Pip said. “Everyone knows Queen Sandrine is the finest cook in all the realms. I remember once I partook of an especially delicious strawberry pie she set out for me on a little table under my favorite tree...mmm mmm….delicious.”
“I’m sure it was for you,” Tad said. “Queens usually feed the local pigeons.”
“They don’t usually cook, either,” Sev said. “So nobody could blame a person for assuming…”
“And your mother must be fat,” Pip said, looking Tad up and down with his bird eyes.
Tad did not answer. The pigeons knew nothing about anything. Maybe Nan was a little charming.
“Still, it is a good sign when a fellow speaks well of his mother,” Nan said.
“Yes, I am a gentleman, unlike some birds I know,” Tad said with a sideways glare at Pip.
“A porky one,” Pip sniped back.
Tad turned to him. It was time to put a stop to his tomfoolery. “What is it with you and speaking of a person’s weight? Your own chest feathers are an abomination. I may be a little fleshy, but I do make myself presentable out of respect for others. The three boys who follow Nila around may be mischievous and bear a little extra weight as well, but they outsmarted your bird brain. That’s what’s really got your tail feathers in a twist now, isn’t it?”
“The Lady must have only picked you just because she liked your name,” Pip replied.
This was hardly an insult. Tad did not wish for this position, not now or ever. But he did want the reward at the end of the nebulous tenure as the Lady’s agent. “I have no idea why the Lady picked either of us, Pip, but at least I have style and class.”
Pip snorted.
“You may abuse me,” Tad said, lowering his eyelids at the bird, “but I do believe if you speak one word against any of those roundish boys who dote on Nila, she will shoot you with her bow and put your carcass on a spit for them to devour. And I would not mourn the loss of your company. No sir, I should thank her. Please, do keep insulting us portly gentlemen and hopefully some of your nonsense will slip out in front of her.”
“Maybe you should listen to the avenger and keep your beak shut if you have nothing nice to say, Pip,” Nan said. “…at least until this case is over and you are out of earshot of Nila. I daresay she intends to adopt those boys, fat and all.”
Tad gave Nan a curt nod of approval. “Spoken like a true gentlewoman. How do I look?” He spread his arms and gave himself a whirl on his heels.
“Like dinner,” Sev said. “A rather juicy one, too. He will not be able to resist.”
“Since that is the intention, I will say thank you…Thank you, Sev and not Pip.” Tad popped the pigeon’s name out between his lips. He took another look at the rainbow suit of armor. Maybe he could find a shrinking spell so that he might wear it? Not tonight, though. He added this to his list of things to figure out after he had settled the matter at hand.
He lifted the hairy hood of his rotten-egg-scented coat and pulled it into place. The stench of sulfur had him gagging and he jerked the thing back down. “Isn’t there anything that can get this smell out?”
“Put it in the chifferobe,” Nan said.
Tad looked around but he did not see any robes.
“Over there.”
He turned to see her pointing her beak at a tall rosewood cabinet that sat amidst a long row of objects that appeared to be no more than clutter, the kind a person acquired when a very old relative passed away and bequeathed them the entire contents of their house. “That wardrobe closet? What did you call it again?”
Nan heaved out an agitated sigh. “A chifferobe. You may also have heard it called a shift robe?”
Tad shook his head. “What does it do?”
“Technically, it’s only for emergencies,” Sev said. “But I think that smell qualifies.”
“But what does it do?” Tad asked again.
“Maybe you should ask the library,” Pip tweeted.
That did not bode well. Tad looked at Sev, who turned his eyes down. “Why won’t any of you just tell me what sort of magical thing that is?” He pointed emphatically at the innocent-looking wardrobe.
No answer.
“Fine.” He sto
mped over to the chifferobe, no more than a wardrobe with a rosy glaze. “As long as it gets the stink out of this coat, I don’t care.”
“You suffer from a serious lack of curiosity,” Pip said.
“I am simply not interested in any more magical mischief. I’ve had enough for one day.” For one lifetime, even.
The small drawer or large one? He wondered which was safer. His hand reached for the little wooden nob on the largest compartment, but hesitated. But then he decided he was too tired to care if some evil was hiding inside, and jerked the thing open.
Empty.
He shot the pigeons a look of annoyance and removed his coat.
“Just set the coat down inside and close the door,” Nan’s voice echoed out.
Tad did not fail to notice none of them had joined him, though the wardrobe was more than fifty paces away from where they sat. He leaned forward as little as he might, dropped the coat onto the floor of the compartment and swung the door shut.
The wardrobe shook as if an invisible hand had seized it. A pair of round eyes and pouty lips appeared, the latter coughing and sputtering. “I say, what’s the big idea?” a hefty voice cried in soprano tones.
Tad jumped back and fell onto his behind. The birds laughed at him from across the chamber. He growled at them but kept his eyes on the wardrobe. “Eh…sorry,” he said.
The rose-colored eyes widened. “You’re a cute one. Not my usual type, but it does get so lonely sometimes.”
Tad pushed his torso forward, his palms on the floor behind him. He did not think the massive piece of talking furniture was mobile as it possessed only a squat peg under each corner. The thing could probably not come after him. But he picked himself up anyway in case he needed to make a run for it.
“Well?” The wardrobe fluttered a pair of long eyelashes at him.
Tad looked at the pigeons out of the corners of his eyes. What was he supposed to do?
“I’m waiting,” the wardrobe said.
“Eh…for what?” Tad asked and took a step back.
“A kiss, my little sugar dumpling. You do want me to launder this item you have put in my drawers?”
Tad stared at the curvaceous mass of wood without blinking. “I cannot give you a kiss because you are not my true love.”
“Oh, that’s sweet,” the wardrobe said. “Saving yourself for true love?”
Tad nodded and swallowed down the lump in his throat.
“I suppose I can make do with a sonnet or an ode.”
Tad cleared his throat. But sweet words would not come. His brain fogged over. “May I know your name?”
“Ah!” Those pouty lips curved into a smile. “You wish to know my name?” The wardrobe turned to the right, then to the left as if searching for something. Tad was horrified at the animated movements. If she kept it up, the she-thing might tip over and squash him flat. “This has never happened before. What should I say? How should I look when I say it?”
“Madeline, dear, just tell him your name,” a male voice said.
Tad dared a glance at the articles around him. A coat rack was staring at him with misshapen eyes, one up here, one down there. Rather grotesque, but he supposed it was difficult to have facial pieces in the right configuration when your body was covered in hooks. More eyes popped to life amidst the scattering of objects around him. Were all of the Lady’s consorts oddities?
“What are you…er…magical persons doing in the library?” Tad asked.
“Waiting for my true love,” Madeline sang out.
“So am I,” a squat chest of drawers next to her said.
The candlestick on top of the chest sparked to life, its sudden flame causing Tad to spring backwards. “Me as well,” it said.
Murmuring and humming and buzzing filled his ears, and if Tad wasn’t mistaken, each of these voices spoke of true love.
A thought occurred to him. He turned to the pigeons. “Are all of you hoping for true love, too?” Just how long was the waiting list?
“None of your business,” Pip chirped out.
It most certainly was his business if he had to wait in line.
“We all have our reasons for serving the Lady, dear,” Nan said very sweetly.
“What about my song?” Madeline asked in a pout of a voice. “Just a line or two would do.”
Tad turned back to the wardrobe. “Such eyes, such…curves,” he said. “How could I begin to describe you?” He thought of what he might say to Roselle. He sang, “In your eyes I see my destiny, in your lips, my sweetest embrace. How long must you deprive me of your smile, your kiss, our happily ever after?”
Madeline’s eyes threated him with tears. “Oh, you shall not be deprived another moment,” she cried and began waddling toward him on her quadrupegs.
Tad put up his hands and took a leaping step backwards. “The song is for my Roselle, madam, though I thought you might like to hear it.”
Madeline ceased her tottering steps. “Oh, yes, I forgot, you see…” Her eyelashes fluttered at him. “But if it doesn’t work out, honey, you just come back to Maddie.” She looked him up and down. “I’ll be gentle…but not too gentle.”
Across the room Pip and Sev snorted.
“Might you help me with that coat now?” Tad asked.
The twinkle in Maddie’s eyes faded. “Sure thing, sweet lips. Just let me inspect my drawers….hmm hmm hmm…Oooh, magic!” she cried and shivered as if some frigid thing had caught hold of her. “Ah, that tingles.”
“The cloak has magic?” Tad asked.
“Yes, a strange sort, like winter and fairy dust at the same time. But what do you want it to smell like? Strawberries? Roses?” Maddie whispered in a husky tone, “Love?”
“Roses is fine,” Tad squeaked out.
“So romantic,” Maddie replied. “All done, love. Now…come and get it.”
Tad took shuffling steps toward Maddie and her beckoning expression. Slowly, he reached out and grasped the knob on the cabinet where he had dropped the cloak. He drew back his arm and looked down at the bottom of the compartment. But the coat hung right in front of him. He pulled it off the hanger and took a sniff. Rose blossoms. “Thank you…er…madam.”
“With pleasure!” Maddie cried at full voice.
She shrill projectile set Tad’s ears to ringing. But he smiled.
“It appears the Lady has a lot of…beings in her employ,” Tad said. Too bad they were all hopelessly inadequate. Why did Rune’s side get all of the good ones? Now a creature like Dame Muriel, if something like her could be wielded as an ally, that would make his life easier.
He breathed out a martyr’s sigh at these reflections and turned back to his mostly useless helpers. “Now, to set the trap.”
And hopefully not become some creature or other’s dinner.
Chapter 17
“We know how to break the curse,” Tad said upon finding Nila and Gram alone at the cabin.
“Does it involve a sweet kiss?” Gram asked.
“Unfortunately not until after the curse is broken,” Tad said. His eyes wandered to the broken window.
The hole in the wall had been covered over with a flap of leather, but the dawn peeked in through the cracks around the edges. Tad moved next to where Nila sat with her injured leg up on a chair, bow in her lap, quiver at her side
“Today is the blood moon,” Tad said.
“Blood moon?” Gram’s voice wavered. “I never thought of that.”
Nila’s brow furrowed. She looked at Gram, then back at Tad. “I don’t know what that means.”
“It means Dame Muriel will be desperate to finish her plan, one way or another,” Tad said. “She’ll need to get you and Hameus together. I think we should do just that, lure Hameus into the barn before it gets dark. I suspect he’s out there now waiting and pining for you in the woods. To break the curse you have to face him while he is in his beastly form. Without fear.”
“Well that should be nothing,” Gram said and gave Nila a warm smile
. “You see how he saved you twice now. He would never harm you.”
Nila’s eyes shone with alarm.
“You’re still afraid of him?” Gram asked.
“How do we know for sure which one is Hameus? It might be the other beast come to finish the job.” Nila looked at her injured shoulder, covered by her cloak. “And I’m in no shape to defend myself if things…don’t go well.”
There was something else in Nila’s eyes. Tad stared at her to see if the source of her troubles might suddenly reveal itself.
A soft rap issued from the door.
Gram rose and strolled right over to it as if there might not be a witch or a flesh-devouring beast on the other side. She lifted the latch, cracked the wooden barrier open and poked her head outside. “Connie? You had best not be out here. There’s a murderous beast on the loose…not Hameus, of course.”
She opened the door wide and a hunched woman wobbled her way inside, her upper half bending itself over her lower half. Ulga shuffled in behind her carrying a rectangular item with a fabric over the top.
“This is Connie,” Gram said. “The poor dear’s mute, but she’s a fine listener.” She looked steadily into her friend’s eyes. “These are friends to help save Hameus,” she said very slowly.
Connie cracked a smile. No teeth.
“We thought you could use some breakfast,” Ulga said, nodding at the rectangle in her hands. “Eggs, bacon, biscuits, butter and jam.”
“Oh, you’re wonderful,” Gram said. “I’m starving, didn’t have a thought to cook with all this mess.”
“Connie and I already ate so these are the leftovers, but we’ll get busy sewing while the two of you have your meal.”
Gram accepted the dish from Ulga and uncovered it. She thrust it at Nila. “See, there’s plenty.”
“I’d rather not eat,” Nila said.
“What? Child, you’ll starve,” Gram replied.
“You gave me more yesterday than I normally have in three days. And I’ve gone much longer without food. I promise you I’ll not perish…but thank you.” Nila fixed her face with a smile.
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