by Rachel Dove
Stuart had his whiny voice in full flow. His needy, get round Lily singsong voice. Lily found herself grinding her teeth.
‘Listen, Stuart, I told you, I am thinking about it – just give me the time to do that, eh?’
Stuart stuttered down the phone, and Lily winced at how unkind her words came across. She almost wished she was the Lily of a couple of months ago, happy in her ignorance, but she had changed. If he’d asked her the question six months ago, she would have said yes in a heartbeat. He sighed, a long, frustrated huff, and then silence.
‘I love you, Lily, just remember that, whatever else happens. I do love you, in my own way.’
Lily was just about to ask him what ‘in his own way’ meant was when she heard the line go dead. She put the phone back in its cradle, walking slowly over to Will at her desk.
‘Hey,’ she said, and he turned to look at her, a large drawing still in his hand.
‘Hey,’ he replied, a half-smile playing on his lips. ‘What’s this? A new project?’
‘It’s an idea I had for a community garden. Agatha mentioned that they were looking for a new project for the Westfield in Bloom scheme. I thought I could work on it this summer, but …’
Will put the drawing back on the desk. ‘I’m sorry about today.’ He moved to face her, and she forced herself to look him in the eyes. He smiled at her then, a detached, faraway look on his face.
‘When I met you, I was a mess. I came in for flowers, but to be honest, once I had met you and spoken to you, I was hooked. I kept coming back, not for the flowers, but to see you. Not the most honourable move I know, coming for flowers to give to another girl from a girl you like.’
Lily swallowed hard, her heart racing in her chest. He was opening up to her, but he still looked so sad.
He cleared his throat. ‘Today, when you kissed me, it took me by surprise.’
He ran his hand through his hair, and Lily’s fingers tingled when she thought of how his hand felt in between her hands that morning. ‘I’ve been calling you, since you left. I hate that you left like that.’
Lily shrugged her shoulders. ‘I was busy; I had to get back to work. Roger’s been holding the fort a lot lately.’ While I was out falling for you, she added silently.
‘I came to apologize, Lily. I never meant to come into your life to hurt you. I would never hurt you intentionally. That would pretty much kill me. I realize now that I should have stayed away.’
Lily shook her head. ‘No, you shouldn’t have. Look, I know it’s wrong. I don’t like how this started, but I am not happy. I wasn’t happy in my life at all.’ She pointed to her desk. ‘Since I met you, it’s like you woke me up. I’m drawing, making plans. I moved out from my parents’ and started my life. I think that says something. I think that we were meant to meet.’
Will shook his head. ‘That’s not down to me, Lily. That was all you. I’m proud of you for making your life your own, but I can’t be a part of it any more. We have to stop seeing each other.’
There it was. The huge punch in the gut. Lily felt winded, dizzy.
‘Is it because of Kim, and Stuart? I know that it would be awful. I hate the thought of hurting them but we deserve to be happy, right?’
Will’s fists clenched at his sides. ‘I can’t do this, Lily. I came here to say goodbye. We have to stay away from each other. I am not free.’
Lily went to his side, frustration pricking her eyes with tears. ‘I know you aren’t free. Why do you keep saying that? I’m bloody well engaged. I know how torn you feel, Will, but we are not bad people.’
‘I am a bad person, Lily, and if you knew the truth, you would never want this.’
She took his hands in hers, but he pulled away. ‘You could never be bad, Will. I know you, and I have seen you punch a man, get angry … it doesn’t change anything. I am falling in …’
‘I’m married.’ Will slipped the words out from his mouth, slumping his shoulders and resting his chin on his chest.
Lily heard the words, playing them on repeat in her head, over and over. He’s married, he’s married, married.
‘Married!?’ she spat, searching his face. ‘Married?’ She expected him to laugh, tell her he was joking, but he just stared at her, looking every inch the broken man.
‘Yes,’ he said softly. ‘I have been married to Kimberley for five years. I told you, I am not free. I –’
Lily cut off his words by slapping him across the cheek hard. Her hand smarted from the impact and she rubbed it with the other. Will did nothing; he just took it, watching her with a look on his face that Lily couldn’t bear. She could see his cheek reddening, the print of her hand on his face.
‘Get out,’ she growled, trying and failing to stop the tears from coming. ‘Get out!’ she screamed, pushing him hard in the chest. Will never moved, trying instead to reach for her arms. She batted him off, slapping him again.
‘No, no!’ she shouted, breaking down in tears now. He grabbed her and pulled her to his chest. She couldn’t help but wrap her arms around the front of his shirt.
‘I am so sorry,’ he said, and he sounded like he was crying too. Lily burrowed her face into his chest, grabbing and pushing at his jacket as her contorted emotions swung from wanting to hold him to her for ever, and kicking his lying arse. ‘Lily, I am so sorry. I will explain, I promise. Just stop, please.’
She took a shuddery gasp in, wiping her eyes and pushing herself upright, away from him. He looked down at her, putting his hand on one side of her face. She shuddered at the contact, the heat from his hand. He brushed her hair from her face, wiped at a tear that escaped and ran down her cheek. It ran down his thumb, leaving a tiny wet trail down his arm.
‘I need you to go,’ Lily said, silent tears running down her face as she reached to take his hand away from her face. His expression dropped, and he nodded slowly.
‘Can I see you tomorrow, explain properly? I have so much to say to you.’
‘No, Will, you can’t,’ she said coldly, moving to the front door of the shop. He visibly crumpled in front of her as he realized that she wanted him to leave for ever. Her hand shook as she reached for the catch, and she shuddered from the cold as she pulled open the door. Everything in her was screaming at her to shut the door, take him upstairs, let him talk, but she ignored the sharp stab in her heart. ‘You can’t contact me again. Ever. Stuart says they have work at the golf course, a lot of work, so you won’t need me any more. Just go speak to the assistant manager there – he will sort it.’
‘Lily, I don’t care about work, I care about you!’
‘No,’ she said, sneering at him as she felt her anger rising. ‘No, you do not care about me at all. Now go.’
Will shook his head, a flash of fire lighting up his eyes. ‘Lily, I know you’re mad. I get it. I should have told you, but it’s not about work, or Kim. I need to explain …’
Lily jabbed her finger towards the doorway. ‘I don’t want to hear it. I thought I knew you. I knew you were with someone, and that was bad enough. I have ripped myself apart, hating how I was feeling when we both had someone, but marriage?’ She cried out, unable to hold back the sobs. Will went to comfort her, but she pointed to the door.
‘No, Will, you were right. We need to stay apart – it’s for the best. You go back to Kim, work at the golf course. I know you need the money.’
‘Screw the job,’ he said, trying one last time to get close to her. She pushed herself against the door, pointing again at the doorway, her face slick with tears. ‘I’ll go, but please, let me call you tomorrow – we can talk about it. I have to explain.’
She moved away from him, giving his chest a gentle push to the door.
‘Will, go. Now. It won’t matter anyway, I won’t be here much longer.’
Will looked shocked. ‘What do you mean you won’t be here? Where are you going?’
Lily shook her head, her expression hard.
‘That is
none of your business. Not now, or ever again. Go home to your wife, Will.’
Will walked to the door, and Lily went to close it behind him. Her body was fizzing with anger now, and her tears felt like ice on her hot cheeks. He paused in the hallway, and she turned away from him. She couldn’t look at him, because if she did, she would be done. No going back. She felt his lips brush her own, felt his breath against her face.
‘I know it means nothing,’ he said, his voice breaking. ‘But I love you.’ She closed her eyes, and when she opened them, he was gone. She stood in the quiet of the room, the early evening chill feeling all the more cold against the heat from her body.
‘I love you too,’ she whispered and, shutting the door, she began to sob.
***
Will walked through the entrance hall, just as Celeste was coming out.
‘Evening, Will, you okay today?’
Will smiled, but it was a feeble attempt at best. Celeste seemed to sense his discomfort and she smiled kindly.
‘Don’t worry, your in-laws have already gone home.’ She took a set of keys from her bag, and headed to her car. ‘Have a good evening, Will.’
He waved her off, and headed down the hallway. He took off his coat and put it on the hook, rubbing his neck. He felt like his whole body was choked up with stress. He sat down in his usual chair heavily, letting loose a big deep sigh. The room was quiet, the usual noises in the background. It was dark outside now. The little light left from the street lights was filtering through the gap in the heavy curtains. A small bedside lamp in the corner of the room lit the room somewhat and Will let his eyes adjust slowly to the light.
He was grateful for the darkness, because it matched how he felt in his heart. He could see the bouquet of flowers Lily had made in a vase on the table, and he looked away before he broke down again.
‘Well, it looks like I made a real mess of things. You will laugh when I tell you. You thought you messed things up.’ He laughed, a short hollow sound against the backdrop of the machines. He sat forward in his seat, taking Kim’s hand in his. ‘Sorry, bad joke. I didn’t mean it.’
He looked to the door, but there were no sounds from outside.
‘Is it weird, that I keep talking to you about this?’ Kim didn’t answer, and he looked up at the machines that kept her alive. The steady beat was comforting somehow, soothing to him. When she had taken a turn for the worse a few weeks ago, the machines had gone haywire. Their noises were irregular, terrifying then, and Will had been scared out of his mind.
When she pulled through, he felt even worse when he felt a tiny sliver of disappointment slide into his thoughts. If she had slipped away, succumbed to her illness, it would have been out of his hands. The decision would have been made by a higher power. Not many argued with God. Even if they did, did he listen? Did it alter anything? She did recover though, weaker than before, but still hanging on to the existence she had left. Will still wasn’t free, and he hated himself every time he mourned that fact.
He kissed Kim’s hand, rubbing her fingers with his.
‘I love her, and I screwed it up. I should never have gone near.’ A tear dropped down his cheek, and he brushed it away angrily. ‘I can’t bear it, Kim. I have no idea what to do. I can’t be alone again, I just can’t.’
Kim never said a word, not that he expected her to. He had stopped hoping for that a long time ago. He listened to the machines: beep, beep, beep. He thought of where his wife might be. He hoped it was a better place, not trapped in this body lying in bed. He hoped wherever she was, she wasn’t alone. To Will, being alone was a fate much worse than death, than this. The strange thing was, the only person he could talk to who would understand was the woman in the bed, who’d left him alone in the first place. Without her, he had nothing, but she was the person who took it all away.
***
Back at the shop, Lily had managed to pick herself off the floor. She stopped crying, walked over to her desk, and ripped up the drawings she had done of Will. She ripped his image up over and over, tearing them into tiny pieces and throwing them all over the floor. Calming herself down enough to find her voice, she picked up the phone and dialled a number. A voice answered, and she took a deep breath.
‘Yes,’ she said, willing her voice not to break. ‘My answer is yes, to all of it.’
The voice down the line rambled on excitedly and Lily listened, pulling the phone away from her ear so he wouldn’t hear the sound of her tears.
‘I know,’ she said, looking at the pieces of paper all around her. ‘It’s going to be great, a fresh start for us both.’
***
Lizzie and Irvin both got up as usual, got dressed in their separate rooms and bathrooms, and ate their own breakfasts. Lizzie eating in the conservatory, Irvin eating at the kitchen island. They washed up their dishes in turns, before getting into their separate cars and driving to the community centre. Once there, they said hello to everyone they knew, each chatting about their day, the news, the weather, whilst pretending that the other just didn’t exist. The people in the community centre were baffled, but they did the politely British thing, and turned a blind eye.
Lizzie walked into her class, dressed in her usual Lycra and cotton, all ready for the dance class. Fernando walked into the room, and the women all turned two shades brighter.
‘Good morning, Fernando,’ they trilled in unison.
‘Ladies, this morning, we have a treat in store for you!’
Lizzie and the other girls all looked at each other, excited to hear what he had to say.
‘This morning, we are to, how you say … merge!’
Lizzie looked at the instructor she had fancied for weeks and gulped. Chance would be a fine thing, the voice in her head tittered. Fernando winked at the ladies.
‘I have been talking with the very fine teacher Samantha, and we have decided to integrate the spoken language, with the language of the body, to get the full Spanish experience!’ He opened the door with a flourish, and in walked Sam with a lot of very bemused students.
Irvin stood at the back, looking decidedly uncomfortable in his diamond-patterned jumper. Lizzie watched him look at Fernando, his nostrils flaring. Silly old fool, he’s jealous! Lizzie perked up a little, smiling at the thought. Irvin being jealous was a turn-up for the books, if ever there was one. She couldn’t help but feel a little frisson of excitement. He did still care after all.
Sam stepped forward, linking her arm into Fernando’s. Everyone gasped.
Sam and Fernando laughed. ‘The secret is out, I see,’ Sam said, and Fernando grinned, dropping a kiss onto her lips.
***
‘Not the only secret,’ Irvin said under his breath, and some of the students tittered. The women in Fernando’s class looked crestfallen.
Irvin looked at Lizzie, worried that she was smitten too. He had never liked Sam that way, but he had worried about the sway Fernando had. But his wife wasn’t looking at Fernando. She was looking at him, with an expression that said she wasn’t thinking about it at all. He winked at her, something he did when they were soppy teens, and she blushed.
‘So,’ Sam said, ‘we will have some partners, and then we can have a morning of dancing! Pick a partner, everyone!’ Irvin and Lizzie looked at each other, and Irvin held out his elbow, raising his brow in question. Lizzie tried and failed to hide her laughter, and she tucked her arm into his.
‘Just don’t show me up,’ she said, pretending to chastise him. ‘I am rather good at this dancing, you know.’
Irvin smiled, turning away briefly so she wouldn’t see. ‘Well, you haven’t seen my linguist tongue yet, my girl.’
The look on her face told Irvin that his Lizzie was still there with him, and that today was going to be fun.
***
Will squinted in the morning sun as he hacksawed off another branch. He had been out working since the sun rose, unable to sit in his quiet terraced house a moment longer. He
hadn’t heard from Lily in two weeks, but it felt like for ever. He was driving himself insane, but he stopped himself from going to see her. He told her that he would never hurt her, and he’d broken the promise he had made her, and himself. Besides, he knew if he went to see her, called her, she wouldn’t want him there.
The thought of her on that day, looking at him so differently, it broke him in half. He reached for another overhanging branch, steadying himself on the ladder. The golf course had kept him busy thankfully, and he had not seen hide nor hair of Stuart. Derek, the assistant manager, had been overjoyed to talk to Will. Apparently gardening wasn’t the thing at the forefront of Stuart’s mind. What a surprise.
Will wasn’t going to even take the job, but in a sick kind of way, he felt closer to Lily this way. He might have a chance of seeing her, and besides, she was right, he did need the money. Since the accident, the care bills had come thick and fast, and government help didn’t pay for the nicest places. Kim’s parents chipped in too, but they were retired and Will didn’t want them spending their whole nest egg on paying for their only daughter.
Will took a deep breath as he set the saw going against another limb. He felt the burn in his muscles as he worked, and it took his mind off the pain in his head and his heart.
‘Good morning,’ a chirpy male voice came from below. Will stopped dead, holding the branch tight.
‘Whoa,’ he said, ‘stand back please. If this goes it will cause a nasty clunk on the head.’
‘Well,’ the voice below said sarcastically, ‘that wouldn’t be great, given that I’m getting married soon.’
Will looked down at the man standing on the green below. He smiled, a sly shit-eating grin that made Will’s own lip curl in disgust. The man took a step backwards, waving his arms out as if to say ‘take your best shot’. Will cut off the branch, throwing it into the pile not far from the man’s feet.
‘I think you know her,’ the man said, looking down at his manicured nails. He was dressed in a cream suit, white shirt, and cream tie. He looked like an old-fashioned ice-cream salesman, made all the more ridiculous by the expanse of sunlit greenery around him. ‘Lily Baxter – she runs the florist’s in town.’
