He held up a hand. “Stop, Tara. I have enough to deal with emotionally with my sister. I can’t handle this.”
“Please don’t push me away. Not now. Let me be there for you.”
With closed eyes, he shook his head, his lips forming a grim line. Slowly, he looked up. “Julien?” And I could see the pain in his eyes.
“I didn’t know you’d be coming into my life again.”
He remained silent.
“Don’t give up on us, Wes.” I couldn’t believe he was going to walk away from the happiness we brought to one another.
“I can’t deal with this.”
“I want a do-over,” I whispered.
“Well, you can’t always get what you want.”
There was no use in furthering the discussion if he no longer wanted us. His pain was a mish-mash involving all the people closest to him. The man was gutted. That was clear to see. Standing up, I looked down at him. “I’m going to see Stacy.”
And I left him alone in the waiting room and walked down the hall in my own personal, surreal fog. Annihilated. Totally annihilated.
Wiping my eyes before I entered the room, I squared my shoulders and collected myself. Leaning over, I gave Stacy a kiss on the cheek and pulled up a chair.
“That fucking cough,” I shook my head.
“Did you speak to Wes?”
I nodded, my throat closing. Suddenly I was fighting back tears and I didn’t want to burden Stacy, who had bigger issues than me getting dumped.
“So, you’re not having the greatest day either.”
I shook my head and moved the subject off me. “So, what are they doing for you here? What have they told you?”
“Not much. Just that there is a mass in my right lung. It might be operable, but first we need to clear up this infection.”
Reaching over, I squeezed her hand. “How are you feeling?”
“Ironically, physically not so bad. Emotionally, I’m still processing it. I’m not happy that the chemo has obviously been ineffective, but the oncologist was by earlier and he said we still have options with chemo that targets my type of breast cancer and potentially surgery when this infection clears up.”
“Okay, so this sounds hopeful.” I was relieved to hear they were presenting viable options to Stacy.
“Hope. That’s all we’ve got.”
I nodded, but couldn’t speak.
“Don’t give up hope on Wes, Tara.” I could see the sadness in Stacy’s eyes. “He really cares about you.”
“I don’t think Wes wants to have anything to do with me.”
“Give him some time. He’ll come around. He’s crazy about you. He’s just overwhelmed right now. And it’s like he’s living his worst nightmares all over again.”
Nodding, “I can only imagine what seeing you go through this is doing to him.”
“I know,” Stacy agreed. “But that’s only part of it.”
“I’m not sure I understand.” I really wasn’t quite sure what she was getting at.
“That fucking Julien.” The look of distaste on Stacy’s face was evident.
“I feel so terrible,” I admitted, trying to hold back my shattered emotions.
“You have nothing to feel terrible about. Julien’s just a douche and this hit way too close to home for Wes.”
“I don’t understand, Stace.”
Pressing the button on the side of her bed to elevate the upper half of her body so that she was now in a sitting position, Stacy rearranged her blankets before she started speaking. “Although they are the best of friends, there’s always been something of a rivalry between them, back to when we were all in school. If Wes liked a girl and Julien knew about it, he’d pursue her and face it, he’s a really good looking guy, so usually he’d get her and Wes would end up in the friend zone. It happened all the time when we were growing up. And Wes has always been so good to him. Like bringing him into C-Kicker when he got laid off from his last job. So, when Lisa was so sick, my brother was just so dedicated to her. There wasn’t enough he could do for her, finding doctors, trying to make sure she was comfortable and had everything she needed, trying to keep her spirits up and a few months before she died, she became really withdrawn and he was so devastated, feeling like he was already losing her and he wasn’t ready to let go. Around that time, she started confiding in Julien and it was really weird, they got very close. There was nothing physical going on. Lisa was physically weak and certainly not doing anything like that, but there was definitely this emotional thing going on between them and I know it hurt Wes deeply that she was turning to Julien for support and not him. So, what I think he’s reacting to is a combination of what is going on with me and this bombshell Julien dropped on him.”
“Oh God, Stace, I feel so awful for him.”
“And they must’ve really had it out based on what my brother’s face looks like.”
“Julien did that to him?” I was shocked and now hated Julien even more in that moment.
Stacy nodded. “Yeah, they got into a huge fight. And I think it was events both past and present that brought it to the boiling point.”
I was sick listening to how Julien took advantage of their friendship and I could only imagine how he had trashed me to Wes. Unfortunately, I didn’t feel very hopeful that Wes would reconsider and I was angry at him for not having more faith in me. In us. But Lord knows what Julien had said to him. Had he embellished to make me look even worse? Not that it needed it, just spewing facts from his stilted perspective would be damning enough.
“Does Wes always forgive Julien for his bad behavior?” I asked, already knowing the answer.
“He hired him and gave him a big job after that crap with Lisa. My brother has a big heart.” Stacy shook her head.
Regrettably, that heart no longer had a place in it for me. What was the old saying? Bros before hoes. Wes would continue to take Julien back and that was a relationship I was never going to come between. The odd man out here was me and I just needed to walk away.
Pulling into the parking garage I knew exactly what I needed to do. It had come to me on the way home and although I knew it was a longshot, I had to try it. What had Stacy said? Hope. That’s all we’ve got. Well maybe there was some magic in that.
Entering the condo, all the lights were off. I had beaten Scarlett and Laynie back home and I was glad to be alone to do what I needed to do. Immediately, I went into the kitchen and got what I needed, then headed to my bedroom, situating myself in the center of my bed.
“Here goes.” I held the dark-haired doll firmly in my left hand and raised the blue-headed pin with my right hand, stabbing it with force into the right side of the doll’s chest. Raising my hand, I did it again, the pin landing near the last stab. And then again. And again. And again, with more force accompanying each successive blow.
“Die motherfucker,” I spat from between clenched teeth. “I’m going to kill every single one of you. Obliterate you. You don’t stand a chance against me. Against my power. I’m going to destroy you.” And I stabbed and stabbed and stabbed and stabbed. As tears rolled down my cheeks and into my mouth, I swore, “Don’t you understand. I’m not going to lose them. Either of them. I love them both. I want them in my life. Need them in my life. So die, you motherfucker. Just die.” Viciously, I continued to stab the doll’s chest. “Die,” I screamed through my tears. “I need you to die.”
And with every stab, I screamed. “Die.” Stab. “Die.” Stab. “Die.” As I sobbed, I could barely see the doll in my hand with the now ripped open chest. When there was no fabric left to stab on the right side of the doll’s chest, I continued stabbing into the stuffing before moving to obliterate the left side of the chest. “I’m going to kill you. I’m not letting you rob everything from me. You get nothing, you motherfucker. I will destroy you.” Tears dripped onto the poppet as I relentlessly decimated it.
“Mom! Are you okay? What are you doing?” I could hear the terror in Scarlett’s voice, bu
t it sounded as if she were on the far end of a tunnel, her voice echoing off the graffitied, concrete walls.
Surprised by the interruption, I hadn’t heard Scarlett and Laynie enter the apartment and now I needed to finish this fast. I wasn’t done yet and through my tears I continued to stab, now reciting the death incantation in my head. Or so I thought.
“Mom, what is wrong with you? Stop!” I barely heard my daughter.
I couldn’t stop yet. I wasn’t done. I needed to complete the job or it wouldn’t work.
“Aunt Laynie,” Scarlett screamed.
A moment later, Laynie was on the bed next to me. Scarlett remained in the doorway, her fingers clenching the wooden doorframe.
“Tara. Tara. Stop,” Laynie implored. “Tara, stop!”
But I couldn’t. I needed to finish. I couldn’t stop yet. And I stabbed and stabbed again.
“Tara, who is this doll?” I didn’t answer and Laynie repeated the question. Finally, grabbing my right arm mid-air, she asked the question for the third time.
With my wrist tightly in her grip, I choked out, “Stacy. It’s Stacy.” I needed her to let me go. Let me finish.
“Tara, why are you killing Stacy? Did she do something to you?”
Shaking my head, I sniffed, trying to breathe through my stuffed nose. “I’m not trying to kill Stacy. I’m trying to save her.”
“What are you doing?”
“I’m killing the cancer cells, Laynie. I have to kill the cancer cells in her lungs. I need to get them all,” I cried and wrenched my wrist free of her grasp so that I could continue on my mission to heal Stacy.
Laynie’s arm went around me, “Okay Sweetie,” she said softly. “Kill all those nasty cells. Kill them all,” her voice choked up with emotion.
Scarlett joined us on the bed, flanking my other side as I continued to stab. When the poppets chest was just batting, I stopped.
“Julien told him.” I looked at Laynie, fresh tears making their way down my cheeks.
“I thought he knew.”
“Me too. But obviously not.”
“Holy crap. And he heard it from him first. Well, what did he say to you?”
Trying not to totally break down, though after what my daughter had already witnessed tonight, there was very little left that I could do that would shock her. “He ended things.”
“Oh Tara.” Laynie’s arms went around me tighter.
Scarlett remained silent, but laid her head in my lap. Softly, I ran my fingers repeatedly through her long hair, the repetitive motion calming me.
“So, it’s been a pretty shitty night. Stacy’s chemo didn’t work and Wes told me to take a hike.”
“I wish you had an extra doll for Julien,” Laynie muttered.
I actually laughed. “I’ve thought that on more than one occasion.”
“So, why the blue pin?” she asked.
“You know how a beautiful blue sky makes you feel good, that anything’s possible? The sky’s the limit. It’s like infinite hope. And right now, we need hope. We need infinite hope.”
Chapter 20
As I went to enter Stacy’s room, I saw a tall, white-coated doctor by her bedside and remained in the hallway, so that I could give them privacy.
“Tara,” Stacy called to me. “Come on in.”
“Hi.” I approached judiciously.
The doctor turned to me and extended his hand. “Bray Hamilton.”
Taking his hand, instead of uttering an appropriate hello, the words, “You are beautiful,” sprang forth from my lips.
Stacy laughed, “I know, isn’t he? Dr. Hamilton, this inappropriate woman is my friend, Tara.”
“Nice to meet you.” He smiled and to his already overwhelming features, dimples were now added. Tall with an athletic build, Bray Hamilton was of mixed race. With high cheekbones, green eyes and skin the color of Cappuccino, he was one of the finest looking men I had ever laid eyes on.
Turning back to Stacy, “Okay, let me take a listen to your lungs. Breathe in deeply for me.” He began with his stethoscope on her chest. Moving it, “Again.” And now to her back, “Take another deep breath for me. And another.” Moving the stethoscope again, “Please say the letter E for me.” Stacy complied. “And again. Okay, you can lie back now. I’m now hearing some crackling in there, so I’m going to order another set of x-rays.”
“What does crackling indicate?” Stacy asked.
“Well, it could mean fluid,” he explained.
“Like pneumonia?” It was the first time I heard alarm in Stacy’s voice.
“That is a possibility.” He was frank, but calm.
“But I’m already on antibiotics.” Stacy searched his face.
“What we’ve got you on for the type of lung infection you have is not something we typically use to fight pneumonia. Let’s get them in here to take some pictures so that we know what we’re dealing with and come up with a course to address it. Let me go put in those orders now.”
“Fuck,” Stacy screamed as soon as he left the room.
“Let’s think positive until we know what’s what.” Hope. We still needed hope.
“I think it’s going to come back positive. My upper back is killing me.”
Shit.
“Have you heard from Wes?” she asked.
“No.” I shook my head.
Stacy sighed. “What a dumbass. This is when he needs you most.”
“I think that windjammer has sailed, Stace. I can’t imagine Julien letting up on trashing me to Wes.”
“Well, Julien’s a piece of shit and he doesn’t deserve to ruin my brother’s life and rob him of his happiness and he should not be allowed to do that to you either.”
Shrugging my shoulders, “I really don’t know what I can do. The damage is already done and Lord knows what he’s already said to Wes.”
“Wes loves you, Tara. He doesn’t want to be without you. He just got hit with a double whammy and doesn’t know whether he’s coming or going. He’s bracing for pain and loss and in some deluded way, he thinks what he’s doing will minimize that.”
“I don’t know how to get through to him. And I don’t want Julien to do or say anything else that could hurt Wes.”
“You love him, don’t you?”
I nodded. “How could I not? He’s going to be a very rough one to get over.”
“Well, you need to have some hope, Tara.”
Here was Stacy, in the throes of fighting for her life, trying to convince me to keep the faith. Amazing. “I don’t want to set myself up for something that’s not going to happen. And with Julien by Wes’ side every day, I don’t stand a chance.”
Taking a deep breath and nodding her head, Stacy said, “I’m going to tell you something that very few people know about. I know it, Julien knows it and my two best friends from high school know it. Wes does not know it. Use it if you want. Or don’t use it. I’m telling you this so that you have an ace up your sleeve to protect yourself, okay.”
“Okay.” I was dying to know what she had to tell me.
“When I was sixteen years old and Wes and Julien were nineteen, I slept with him a few times. I actually lost my virginity to him. He was so good looking that I didn’t even care what a total dick he was. I was young and stupid and I got pregnant. I was in 10th grade at the time and I didn’t know what to do. I told Julien about it and of course his first response was how did I know it was his.”
“What a douche. Why is Wes even friends with him? Wes is such a quality human being.”
“Wes’ downfall – he sees the best in people.”
Stacy read the look on my face as I silently asked the question, Why isn’t he seeing the best in me?
“Give him time, Tara. He’s on overload, but he’ll come around. Anyway, I asked Julien for money to help me pay for an abortion and to please come with me. He threw half the money at me like I was some cheap whore, not his best friend’s sister who he had watched grow up. He also promised to come with me
and drive me, and on the day of the appointment, he no-showed and wouldn’t answer my phone calls. My friend Ali came with me and we had to take the bus there and back.”
“Just when I thought I couldn’t despise him more. And you never told Wes?”
Stacy shook her head. “I was sixteen and scared.”
“It’s hard to imagine you fearing anything.”
“I was afraid my brother would never look at me the same. And I was ashamed.” Stacy paused. “So, if he fucks with you, Tara, tell him you know all about April 22, 1994 and that you’ve got proof.”
“Proof?”
Stacy grabbed a pen and paper from the tray next to her bed and began to scribble a note.
Wes,
Tara is telling the truth. On 4/22/94, I had an abortion. The baby was Julien’s. He called me a whore and then stood me up and made me take a bus to get the abortion. Ali came with me. I’m sorry I never told you. I love you.
~ Your Brat
“Trust me, you will never, ever need this. This note will not see the light of day. But if Julien attacks you, you have that. And Wes will know I wrote that.”
I noticed that my hands were shaking as I held the note. I was beyond angry at this man and angry at Wes for not seeing through him. “Wes is a savvy guy, Stace. I don’t understand how Julien has continued to dupe him.”
“The man is a great actor and Wes has always had a soft-spot in his heart for him because Julien lost his parents very young. They were in a car accident when he was eight and Wes kind of adopted him into our family after that. For some reason, Wes has always felt a responsibility to him as if he were the third sibling. And you know when it’s family, sometimes you’re more forgiving.”
An x-ray tech entered wheeling in a mobile x-ray machine. “Stacy Bergman?” he asked.
“That’s me.”
“I’ve come to get a couple of pictures of your lungs.” And then turning to address me, “This will only take a few minutes.”
Grabbing my purse, I stepped out into the hall. Checking my phone, there was a wave of disappointment that there was nothing from Wes. Which after three days shouldn’t have come as a shock. But I was still hoping beyond hope.
The Do-Over Page 17
