by Tommy Barnes
It was April. I had given in my notice to all my gardening clients because the brewery was a success. I strolled through the large barn doors into Rose’s studio, having returned from my final ever gardening job. She was deep in concentration, finishing off a sculpture of a greyhound. I should have left her to it, but this was important.
‘Rose, I’ve had the most extraordinary day! I’ve finally bonded with Burt!’
‘What? But he hates you with every bone in his body.’
‘His fat body, Rose. His fat body. That’s what I thought, but listen to this. I was lying under a ride-on lawnmower at the bottom of the ditch next to Adrian and Suzannah’s house.’
‘You were doing what?’
‘Yes, they’d warned me not to try and mow the grass along their drive with a ride-on lawnmower, but the alternative was to strim it and strimming takes much longer, and besides, whenever someone tells you not to do something, it could mean they’re trying to hide buried treasure.’
‘You’ve got to be kidding me,’ said Rose.
‘ … So I went mowing along the ditch and within moments the whole thing turned to shit and I found myself trapped under the lawnmower. But then Burt, who had been sniffing round the underside of the car – I believe attempting to work out where the brake lines were – saw me in peril and, much to my surprise, galloped over to me. As I lay there stricken, the weight of the lawnmower rendering me helpless, I fully expected Burt to use this opportunity to attack my face, but instead he sniffed around me, and then started licking me. And it was then I realised what Burt had been wanting all this time. I realised what Burt had been craving for. And he just wanted what all of us want, deep down.’
‘Oh my God. He just wanted you to love him.’
‘What? No, not love. God no. It’s Burt. No, it was croissants. All this time he just wanted croissants. I was covered in croissant crumbs as usual. Little bugger licked me clean as a whistle. Some Eastern European vegetable pickers in the next field managed to lift the lawnmower off me.’ (Let that be a lesson to you, Brexiteers.)
‘Jesus. You’ve got to be more careful. You could have been killed.’
‘Well look, Rose, it takes one to know one. So—’
‘What does that mean? That doesn’t make any sense at all. And how does that count as bonding with Burt anyway?’
‘Don’t you see? As long as I keep him fully stocked with croissants, he’ll tolerate me.’
‘But you can’t keep feeding him croissants. He’s practically obese anyway. It’ll kill him.’
‘But Rose, he’ll tolerate me. Can’t you see? He’ll actually tolerate me!’
And that was how it played out. From then on, as long as I fed Burt some croissant every ten to fifteen minutes, he wasn’t an arsehole.
So there you go. If you stick at something no matter what; if your motivation is the love and well-being of your family, and every time you face disaster it strengthens your resolve; if you are prepared to admit when you are wrong, prepared to learn from those around you, even the French, and prepared to gamble everything for what you believe, then perhaps one day an overweight hound might tolerate you, too.
BEER GLOSSARY
Hops – Plant distantly related to cannabis that provides bitterness, flavour and antibacterial qualities to beer.
Hot break – Foam formed of proteins that rise through the wort at the early stages of the boil.
Liquor – Brewing term: The water used to brew.
Malt – Grain that has been allowed to start germinatation before being kilned.
Mash – Soaking one’s grains in water.
Sparging – Brewing term: Rinsing the grains of any remaining starch once the mash has finished.
Racking – Moving one’s beer from the fermenter to a storage tank.
Trub – A bed of dead yeast and other bits.
Wort – Liquid full of sugar that is extracted from malt.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
I would like to thank the following people:
My wife, Rose, who stood alongside me through great tempests of uncertainty when others surely would have retreated to safety.
David Reynolds, for all his help both with the book and the brewery, and for being a good egg and a funny man. I owe him an enormous debt. Hopefully we can avoid the small claims court.
Maggi Healey, the first investor in the brewery and the saviour of Braslou Bière. Let’s try and avoid the small claims court.
Aunty Myra and Uncle Chris, for reading everything I’ve ever written.
Sara Keane, who believed in me when I had all but given up. I will try and repay her faith. Ideally, we won’t end up at the small claims court.
Damien and Celia, who took us in.
Emma Robinson and Shaun Walsh, who finally accepted my total ineptitude and set me free from the office.
Martha Reynolds, who gave me belief in my writing.
Chris Hosegood, who showed me that making mud coloured alcoholic liquids was possible.
Kate Quarry, the real talent.
Lastly, Sarah and Kate Beal – the greatest publishers of the 21st century. In an industry paralysed by fear it’s extraordinary to meet people with a sense of adventure, with daring, courage and élan. I hope to repay their faith. I hope this means we can avoid the small claims court.
La Ruche.
The family with some of their menagerie.
Gadget the miniature horse and Burt the satanic dog.
Rose, Albert and Tommy with that woodburner.
Chinon.
Early on market day in Richelieu.
The brewery in the barn.
Enjoying a beer with Burt.
Tom’s ancient van.
COPYRIGHT
First published by Muswell Press in 2018
Typeset by M Rules
Copyright © Tommy Barnes 2018
Tommy Barnes asserts the moral right
to be identified as the author of this work.
ISBN: 9781999811754
Muswell Press
London
N6 5HQ
www.muswell-press.co.uk
All rights reserved; no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise without the prior written permission of the Publisher. This book may not be lent, resold, hired out or otherwise disposed of by way of trade in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published, without the prior written consent of the Publisher. No responsibility for loss occasioned to any person or corporate body acting or refraining to act as a result of reading material in this book can be accepted by the Publisher, by the Author, or by the employer of the Author.
