by R. J. Gadney
She must have heard Hal’s plea. But she didn’t heed it.
Falling to her knees, she toppled slowly forward. Her body accepting the blade through her white silk dress, drawing it into her, right up to the hilt, puncturing veins, arteries, lungs and heart.
THIRTEEN
—I faced what I had to face.
HENRY JAMES
The Turn of the Screw
96
Few tears were shed at the funerals, presided over by the Vicar who’d taken his sermon’s text from Isaiah:
“The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb, and the leopard shall lie down with the kid; and the calf and the young lion and the fatling together; and a little child shall lead them.”
Outside the crematorium, a sober Betsy MacCullum showed Hal a bitter face.
“You’ve won,” she said.
“There are no winners,” he told her.
“Only losers,” she said. “You’ve got what you always wanted. Nothing changes in these parts.”
“I wish it had turned out differently.”
“And what do you think I wish?” she said.
Before he could answer she turned her back on him, adding as an afterthought:
“It’s not over yet.”
For the time being, along with Sophie, Minti and Schadzi, Polish “Concierge Officers” from Secure Property Services of Carlisle (SPSC) were taking care of The Towers.
Like its past, its future was uncertain. Following “the emergency incident,” the police reminded Hal it was his responsibility to ensure the property was secure. They offered to assist SPSC “with measures to prevent vandalism and theft,” and fire service officers said they would advise “on protection against further weather damage.”
He had grown accustomed to fear and as the days grew longer and the evenings lighter, so the intensity of the horror on the hillside faded. He felt perhaps it was terror, the gnawing anticipation of horror, that The Towers embodied. The terror it generated was indeterminate but not, he felt, essentially negative. He had a vague recollection that he’d reached that conclusion many years before. To his surprise he remembered it was none other than Ann Radcliffe who’d given him the insight. For the first time since childhood he turned again to her essay On the Supernatural in Poetry. “Terror,” she explains, “expands the soul and awakens the faculties to a high degree of life …” whereas horror “freezes and nearly annihilates them.”
What of fear?
The truth was that it excited him.
Where now could he find it?
FOURTEEN
It’s spring fever. That is what the name of it is. And when you’ve got it, you want—oh, you don’t quite know what it is you do want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so!
MARK TWAIN
97
No reason was given to him by the Army for the order to be on parade at Headley Court on the sixth of January. Coincidentally it was Epiphany, the twelfth day of Christmas. Perhaps this was the military’s little joke that his future would be revealed on the same day Christians celebrate the Adoration of the Magi, their recognition that the Incarnation of the Christ child really is the Son of God.
Was this the day they’d chosen to tell him his bomb disposal expertise was no more required?
Or were the powers that be in the Ministry of Defense about to offer him a numinous experience, to reveal a mysterium tremendum, invoking fear along with mysterium fascinans to draw him back within the fold?
Sophie drove him to Leeds Bradford airport for the southbound flight.
She kissed him three times and explained it would be bad luck to see him enter the terminal building. “Don’t look back,” she said.
It seemed to be an omen.
98
“Ladies and Gentleman. May we have your special attention for the following safety instructions.”
Given a fair wind the flight time from Leeds Bradford airport to Gatwick above the spine of England is about fifty-seven minutes.
It’s a distance of about three hundred and eighteen kilometers or one hundred and ninety-eight miles. From Gatwick it’s a short taxi ride to Headley Court.
“Please make sure that your hand luggage is securely stowed under the seat in front of you or in the overhead locker …
“Emergency lights on the floor show you the way to the emergency exits. Fasten your seatbelt whenever the FASTEN SEATBELT sign is on. The belt can be opened easily whenever necessary.”
He looked down to the landscape and saw flood waters covering long stretches of the countryside.
WAKEFIELD
the eastern ridges of the Pennines
SHEFFIELD
built on seven hills
“For safety reasons we advise you to keep your seatbelt fastened while seated.
“In case of loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will be automatically released above your seats. Pull down the nearest mask, place it over mouth and nose and secure it with the elastic band. Your life vest is located under your seat. In the event of a water landing, place the life vest over your head, fasten the straps at the front of the vest and pull them tight. Do not inflate the vest inside the aircraft.”
His mind was far away.
HELMAND
Islamic Republic of Afghanistan
Latitude: 32.07 Longitude: 64.8
23,000 square miles of it say, about half the size of England, roughly
NOTTINGHAM & SHERWOOD FOREST
once home to Robin Hood
LEICESTER
motto Semper Eadem, Always The Same
MILTON KEYNES
City of Seven Choirs
LUTON
once home to Taimour Abdulwahab al-Abdaly
(2010 Stockholm suicide bomber)
99
Shortly after sunrise, Ops Room receives a tasking message. My No. 2 tells me what I’ve already guessed. It’s an IED shout. The sixth in five days on the trot.
I’ve slept fully dressed.
I grab my kit and join the others at the team vehicles. The rest are donning Kevlar helmets and combat body armor; activating radios, making ready electronic counter-measures gear and loading weapons.
The “10-liner” that’s alerted us to the incident gives the details of the IED and a brief assessment of what may be additional threats. The route is planned.
Accompanied by an infantry escort, we head out from the base into the low morning mist.
I’m on the road, back in business in clouds of dust, bound for the wastelands and the bomb in a riverbed.
The sun dazzles me. The roaring engines taunt me. Every shape I see harbors danger. The rim of the seatbelt is another slithering viper; a streak of dried chewing gum, a scorp, then turns into a wire; a wire connected to another IED.
When I see the lizard on the patch of desert shale pretending to be dead, I blink.
The lizard flinches.
“Ladies and gentlemen, we have started our descent to London Gatwick. In preparation for landing please make sure your seat backs and tray tables are in their full upright position.”
“As you leave the aircraft, pull down the red tabs to inflate the vest. If necessary the life vest can be inflated by blowing through these tubes.”
“Bear with me a moment …”
The flight attendant is reading from the wrong hymn sheet.
The lizard springs into a tangle of bamboo roots narrowly avoiding the dusty package.
Wise move, trapelus agilis.
“Sorry about that, Ladies and Gentlemen. Make sure your seatbelt is securely fastened and all carry-on luggage is stowed underneath the seat in front of you or in the overhead lockers.”
Maybe it’s fear that induces the adrenalin rush. I crave fear like the gambler; or the mountaineer climbing some Alpine rock face without a safety harness.
*
He unfastens his seatbelt.
The flight attendant sashays along the aisle and doesn’t notice.
“Please turn
off all electronic devices until we are safely parked at the gate.”
“It’s not over yet.”
“The flight attendants will shortly pass through the cabin to pick up any remaining cups and glasses.”
100
Defense Medical Rehabilitation Center
Headley Court
Counter-Terrorism Response Level: Low.
POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER
NAME: Captain Hal Stirling
WRITE YES. NO. DON’T KNOW.
1. Have you suffered trauma?
Yes
2. Did you witness death or serious or minor injury?
Yes
3. Did you face death or major injury?
Yes
4. Did you experience fear, terror, horror or paralysis?
Yes and No
5. Have you regularly experienced fear, helplessness or horror since trauma?
Yes and No
6. Do you have troubling thoughts about the event?
Yes and No
7. Did you witness violent death or fatal injury or the threat of same?
Yes
8. Do you regularly experience unease, panic, fear or terror or horror?
Yes
9. Do you have nightmares about all/any of the above or have disabling thoughts of same?
No
10. Did you actually witness death or serious threat of death?
Yes
11. Do you feel helpless/powerless/relive the trauma?
Yes and No
12. Can you remember the traumatic event/s in detail?
Yes and No
13. Do they constantly appear in your head?
Yes and No
14. Are your sleep and rest patterns normal?
Yes and No
15. Is your diet normal?
Yes
16. Are your bowel movements normal?
Yes
17. Has sexual activity been reduced or impaired?
No
18. Has it increased?
Yes
19. Do you have an alcohol problem?
No
20. Do you have a drug problem?
No
21. Do you have a satisfactory domestic/emotional partnership?
Yes
22. Do you consider yourself completely fit mentally and physically to return to unit?
Yes
“I can think of no better news than your return to Afghanistan,” the counselor said. “Can you?”
“Not immediately.”
The counselor smiled. “One turns off the computer in the head. Mother Nature turns it on again. Shutting the brain down is Mother Nature’s cure. Most minds restart just fine if turned off properly. One heals oneself.”
They shook hands.
“Safe journey, Hal,” the counselor said. “Good luck. Mind how you go. Any other problems?”
“None that I know of.”
Closing the file on his desk, the counselor said: “One never knows what goes on in a brave man’s head.”
