by K E Osborn
We step up the stairs and the crisp midday air hits my face. It’s getting close to December and it’s pretty crisp up here these days. She wraps her arms around herself as we walk to the edge of the building and sit down on the seat. We’re quiet for a moment, but I don’t want to let the silence get a hold of us.
I want to tell her about Katie.
I’m ready.
I turn to face her and grab both her hands holding them securely in mine. Taking a deep cleansing breath I start. “So, I know you’re wondering who Katie is,” I say, and she sits up a litter taller and nods.
My chest tightens slightly, but I push through my memories and thoughts. “Katie was my childhood sweetheart. We grew up together and basically knew we were going to end up being together for the rest of our lives.” I smile at the happy memory. “We were eighteen when I asked her to marry me. We were young, yes, but we’d been together since we were pretty much twelve-years-old, if you can even have a relationship that young. But Katie and I, we were inseparable.”
Tillie chews on her bottom lip while furrowing her brows slightly.
“We got married not long after I asked her, and then two years later we had our little girl, Maddison.”
Her eyes open wide and her brows furrow like she’s completely confused, but she doesn’t say anything just tightens her hands in mine.
“Anyway, we were a happy little family. I loved my girls more than anything, but then that night happened.” I tense up, stopping and taking a second to compose myself.
Her breathing quickens and her eyes start to glisten like she’s on the verge of tears. “You don’t have to tell me anymore if it’s too painful,” she offers kindly but this isn’t about me. Tillie needs to know. She must know everything if we are to go on from here if we have a future together.
I shake my head and fake a smile. “No, it’s okay, you need to hear this... I was driving. Katie was the front passenger, and of course, Maddie was in her booster seat in the back. We were on our way out for a family dinner. Maddie was crying. I was distracted, trying to make her happy, you know being the goofball dad that I was. I just wanted my baby to feel better. So I had her binky and I was playing with her when I should have been just, fucking driving.”
My eyes well up and I have to swallow hard the lump that’s formed in my throat. I can’t risk looking at Tillie, but I can hear her sniffing as my eyes mist up completely.
“I looked back for a moment, just to try to ease Maddie. The light just turned green so I drove straight through, but a truck driver on his cell wasn’t paying attention to his red light.”
I gasp as a slight sob leaves my throat and Tillie squeezes my hands tighter. The tears don’t fail me as they burst through and slowly slide down my cheeks. I don’t care if she sees me cry. There’s one thing I’ll cry for in this world and it’s my dead family. I’m not ashamed of that.
“It’s the sound of the metal crunching that never leaves you, you know? I don’t remember hearing the glass shattering, but the metal crunching I’ll never forget…”
I risk looking up at her and she’s looking at me with such sad eyes. My chest hurts as I gaze over at her thinking that it all could have happened again when she had her accident. I could have lost her, and instead of spending every precious moment with her, I pushed her away. I’m such a dick.
“They didn’t make a sound, not one. I was moaning and groaning, but I couldn’t hear anything from either of them. The truck hit the passenger side and it was crushed right in. When I looked up, Katie…” I wince and trail off as I remember the disfigured body of my wife. Tears stream down both our faces as Tillie’s bottom lip trembles uncontrollably.
“I didn’t dare look back at Maddie, but I knew. I could feel it. Her booster seat was on the passenger side at the back. There was no way… no way she’d survive.”
“Oh God,” Tillie murmurs and then reaches out and hugs me tightly. “I’m so… so sorry. I get it now. Why you pushed me away after the accident. I can’t even imagine… all the memories… everything that must have brought up for you. I’m so sorry. But you know the accident wasn’t your fault.”
“Then why do I feel like it was?”
She shakes her head and caresses my face. “It wasn’t Ryan. You went through on a green, you did nothing wrong.”
“I was driving, I was distracted by Maddie… if I was paying more attention I would have seen him running the light. I could have saved them—”
“Hey! There was nothing you could do if it was a truck, you wouldn’t have been able to outrun it. There was nothing you could do, Ryan. Stop blaming yourself and pushing people out. Let me in, I’m here for you if you’ll let me be?”
I pull back from her and look her in the eyes wiping the tears from her face. “I want you to be… please don’t leave.”
She sniffs, shaking her head. “I’m not going anywhere. Although, if you do this again—”
“I won’t… promise,” I interrupt. Leaning in I press my lips to hers tenderly, and she kisses me back with such a fierce intent my knees feel weak even though we’re sitting. A spark so strong shoots through every atom in my body. I know Tillie is right for me and I’m aware she’s the one to bring back the balance in my life. I know she’s my safe place, my home.
I pull back from her slowly and look into her beautiful eyes, even though they’re puffy and have cried enough tears lately to sink a battleship, she’s still the most beautiful woman on the face of this earth. “I love you, Tillie.”
She presses her forehead to mine taking in every inch of me. “I love you, too, Ryan.”
We pull up the car at Roxie and Donny’s house ready for Christmas lunch. I’m looking forward to seeing them again, although Tillie has warned me that Roxie might give me the third degree for breaking Tillie’s heart for a second there. But I don’t blame her, I deserve it, so I’m ready and willing to take the full brunt of her sister’s ferocity if need be.
“Are you ready?” Tillie asks as I pull the keys out of the ignition.
“Yep, let’s do this.” I smile at her and she takes a deep breath and hops out of the car. I file out and open the back door to pull out the bag of presents. I made sure to get a child-sized guitar for Savvy. I know Tillie told me not to, but I felt as her new uncle I kind of owed her. Plus, I wanted to. Especially, if I’m going to be coming by and teaching her how to play, I need her to have something to play, don’t I? Otherwise teaching her is kind of null and void. Loading my arms up full of gifts, I bump the door with my hip to close it. Tillie chuckles racing around to help me carry some of the bags.
“I think it’s official… we went overboard,” she says pointing at the ridiculous amount we are carrying. I chuckle as we reach the front door and Tillie somehow manages to push the doorbell. Not long after, the door opens to a high pitched squeal in Roxie’s usual greeting. I shake my head as Roxie races forward grabbing Tillie in a giant hug and sways her from side to side even though she’s trying to hold on to presents.
“Oh my God, Till, it’s so good to see you. Merry Christmas! And you too, Ryan. Come on in, lunch is nearly ready,” she says while letting Tillie go.
She looks to me and then furrows her brows giving me the stink eye. I scrunch my brows and she breaks out into a wide grin. “That’s all I’m going to say, Ryan. Okay?” She closes the door behind me and I nod.
“I’m sorry, Rox. I’m just happy I came to my senses in time for Tillie to forgive me.”
She softly smiles and gently squeezes my elbow. “Me too, honey, me too. But if you break her heart again…” she pauses giving me her well-practiced stink eye once more, then follows it with a bright smile. I nod, and she turns walking into the kitchen.
That wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be.
I place the presents on the couch and follow Tillie and Roxie to the kitchen where Donny is busy mixing pots on the stove. He’s wearing a Mrs. Claus apron and a very red and Christmas inspired sweater. He looks li
ke something from one of those old style Christmas movies, it’s quite hilarious.
He turns to see me, and opens his eyes wide with a gasp while he looks down at his very feminine apron. “Fucking hell, Roxie, you didn’t tell me Ryan was coming!”
She laughs as I raise my eyebrow. “I know, I did that on purpose just for this moment right here.”
Donny groans while frantically trying to take his apron off but not succeeding. “I swear, Ryan, I’m a man, a manly man, I don’t normally wear women styled aprons. It’s just the only one Roxie conveniently had available today. I bet she had this all planned out. Evil woman!”
Roxie giggles. “You may be correct in your assumption, dear husband.”
I chuckle as Donny rolls his eyes and Savvy rushes in from down the hall.
“Ryaaan!” she calls out running right for me. Her cute little curls bouncing as she goes.
“Hey, Savvy! Merry Christmas,” I say as she reaches me and lunges right into my arms. I pick her up as she wraps her arms around my neck hugging me tightly.
“It’s so good to see you again. This is the best Christmas… ever!”
“Well, it’s nice to know I’m not your favorite anymore, Sav,” Tillie says with a chuckle and Savvy giggles.
“Aww… Auntie Til, you’re still my favorite. Just Ryan is cooler, that’s all,” she clarifies, and I chuckle as Tillie giggles.
“Good to know,” Tillie says as I wink at her and move Savvy on to my hip.
“We brought presents,” I say.
Savvy jumps up and down on my side and I have to grab her again with two hands to stop from dropping her as she cheers loudly. “Yay presents! Can we open them, Mom? Can we?”
“Oh God, more stuff she doesn’t need. I hope you didn’t buy her anything expensive, Ryan!” Roxie emphasizes my name with a smirk.
I chuckle and tilt my head. “I can neither confirm nor deny those allegations.”
“Oh geez… okay kid, go unwrap your presents,” Roxie says.
Savvy drops down from my arms and runs to the living room.
We follow her in and Roxie walks up beside me. “You better not have spoiled her.”
I move my fingers close together. “I might have… just a tiny bit.”
She rolls her eyes and shakes her head as we file into the living room, and Savvy’s already gotten all the gifts out of the bag. She runs a gift over to Donny. “Dad, this one’s for you.”
“Thanks, guys,” Donny says, and I nod.
Savvy runs another one to Roxie shoving it in her arms, so she can quickly get back to the others. That’s when she notices that the other three gifts are all for her.
“They’re all for me?” Her eyes light up and she jumps around in a circle. A slight pain seeps into my chest thinking I could have had something like this with Maddie. But I’ll never see that, feel that elation of watching Maddie open her presents. There’s no point thinking about it, though, it’s too damn depressing.
She opens the first one and it’s a music book with guitar chords. She opens her eyes wide and smiles. “Does this mean you’re gonna teach me, Ryan?”
“Sure does.”
“Yes!” She throws her hand in the air and opens the next slightly smaller gift. It’s a set of picks in different colors and designs, there’s a ton of them. I know I prefer to pluck the strings, but I want to give her an option to pluck or pick. Her eyes shoot open and she turns slowly to face me as Roxie groans.
“If there’s picks that means… oh my God. Oh my God!” She grabs the huge third present which we wrapped in a rectangle box so it wouldn’t give it away. She pulls the paper off dramatically to find the cardboard box. She slumps slightly as if she’s disappointed and then opens the box to find a guitar case. She screams so ear-pitching loud that I actually wince. “Holy hell… it’s a guitar, an actual guitar.”
“Savvy… language!” Roxie chides.
Savvy stands up, looks to me and her eyes droop and her bottom lip quivers. I smile as her eyes fill with tears and she starts to cry while she walks to me. I’m not sure what to do, so I simply put out my hands and take her into a hug as she starts to uncontrollably sob into my shirt. I look to Tillie and she winces as I hold onto Savvy.
“Savvy, sweetheart?” Roxie says.
She sniffs hugging me so tight. “This is like my birthday, and Easter, and Christmas, all combined. This is the best present… ever. Thank you, Ryan. I’m going to play just like you.”
I kneel down taking her into a real hug. “You’re welcome, Savvy, and I promise I’m going to make time as often as I can… how about once a month, to come over and practice with you. Deal?”
She pulls back looking at me and nods. “The only time I won’t be able to is when I’m on tour, but then I will still Skype and we can play, okay?”
“Deal. Thanks again, this is the best Christmas ever.”
She leans in to hug me again and I hug her back. I glance up and Roxie looks at me with a genuine smile and mouths ‘thank you.’
“Well, now we’ve had all that excitement, lunch is pretty much ready. I’ll just get it all served up,” Donny says.
“Savvy, how ‘bout you go and get cleaned up before lunch, okay?” Roxie says, and she and Donny walk into the kitchen.
Savvy lets me go and runs off down the hall leaving Tillie and me in the living room.
“That was so nice,” Tillie says walking up to me as I stand back up. She wraps her arms around my waist and cuddles into me.
“I’m so glad she liked it. I didn’t think she would be that excited, but seeing her that enthused gives me hope she might make a go of it.”
“Well, with a mentor like you, who knows where she might end up? We should go help them set up for lunch,” she says, going to walk off, but I grab her around the waist and hold her to me.
“Before you go, there’s something I wanna ask.”
She raises her eyebrow. “Mmm… sounds ominous.”
I chuckle. “Nothing too scary, I hope… So, Danger and Lunar are obviously getting married.”
Her eyes open wide and she stops breathing. “Oh God… please don’t ask me to marry you.”
I chuckle and shake my head. “Well, I wasn’t going to, but I’m gutted to know it would be a no if I did.”
“No, it wouldn’t be a no. It would be a… not yet. We’re not ready for that kind of—”
“Relax, babe, I’m not asking, and I’m not offended. I’m right there on that page with you.”
“Oh, thank God.” She smiles.
“But, I do think that Danger and Lunar deserve a house to themselves. There’s something else I haven’t told you… to do with Katie.”
She takes a deep breath and nods. “Okay.”
“My house… it’s where we lived, as a family. I couldn’t bring myself to sell it after they died. Sure I got rid of everything that reminded me of them, but the actual house, I couldn’t part with.”
She nods slowly. “So what does that have to do with Danger and Lunar?”
“So here’s my thought process. I don’t want to sell that house, but I don’t want to keep living in it either. I think the memories of the relationship I had there makes it weird for the relationship I have now, but I’d like Danger and Lunar to stay living there, together.”
She nods and half-smiles. “Ryan, are you saying you wanna move out?” I nod, and she smiles. “And are you looking for a housemate?”
I nod again slowly and press my forehead to hers. “Think of anyone who might want to fill that position?”
She giggles. “Ryan, are you asking me to move in with you?”
I nod as I look deep into her dark brown eyes. “Tillie Marks, will you move in with me?”
She purses her lips and starts to slowly shake her head. “How about this. I love my house and it’s definitely big enough for two. So… Ryan Hunter, will you move in with me?”
I chuckle and raise my eyebrows in shock. I hadn’t expected this, but hey, it’s as go
od of an outcome as any. “Yes, I’d love to.”
Danger and Lunar are pissing me off. They’re fully into wedding planning mode and I guess I always thought she’d see the light. Not necessarily that she would leave Danger for me—although that would be great—but Danger, even though he’s a cool guy, he’s never been the type to settle down. Sure he’s done this once before with that fucking stupid British bird, Ella. She pussy whipped him well and good, but even then, he was never one hundred percent faithful to her. I guess what I’m saying is, I really like Lunar. I don’t want to see her getting hurt. And Danger… well, I don’t trust him not to do that to her. But if they do follow through and get married, I suppose I want to find a woman just like Lunar—sassy, yet classy, someone with brains and beauty.
Lunar is the whole package.
I really need to get over her!
Then, if I don’t have Danger and Lunar making googly eyes at each other, it’s fucking Ryan and Tillie, now that they’re back being lovey-dovey again. I think I preferred it when Ryan was trying to practical joke Tillie at every chance. At least that was entertaining. Now having two loved-up couples in the office all the damn time, and it’s a fucking joke. Not to mention living with Matt and having him bringing home a new woman every other day while I pine over a woman I can’t have. Well fuck. I’m one sad sack of sorry shit.
Everyone else is happy while I really need to get my life in order. I know I’m not the best guy to hang around with— I’m annoying, I say fucked-up shit, and act like I have a chip on my shoulder.
Well, fuck, I have good reason!
I’m always coming second fiddle to the better twin.
Being born second means I’m always the second best at everything.
I shouldn’t be jealous of Matt just because he’s better at everything, but fuck, sometimes I’d just like to be number one. Just once, you know? Get the girl. Get the better grade in school. Be the first to be picked on the team. I’m always after Matt. And if it isn’t Matt it’ll be someone else. I can’t seem to ever get ahead. I’m just unlucky, in everything.
