by Sarah White
“You didn’t think I’d just let you get away with it, did you? You know you’d have done the same thing in my position.” Gabe looks to her with a cocked eyebrow.
“You made me do your laundry for a month, Gabe. That’s just cruel.” Her whine turns into a big smile when he shrugs his shoulders.
“You made me wash your car after the trip to the desert or you were going to tell Mom that you caught me trying cigarettes with our cousin Joe. Do you have any idea how many bugs I had to scrape off your bumper?”
“Joe’s always been trouble,” she says, “and that’s totally different.” We all watch Gabe and Maggie go back and forth playfully, teasing each other about things in their past. What I learn from the exchange is that they never told on each other no matter what they had caught their sibling doing. I also learn that the two of them got into plenty of trouble together as well.
When dinner is finished, Maggie jumps up to grab dessert. Gabe follows her into the kitchen to help. I’m talking to one of her friends about an old teacher that we both had for English, so I stay where I am and wait for them to come back. After a while I wonder what’s taking so long. The teacher conversation is long since over and a few of the girls have started to glance back into the house to see if they can spot them.
When Gabe finally emerges with a tray full of cookies, he sets them down and then grabs a plate and puts a few on it. Maggie sets her tray down as well and moves to sit with a friend close to the back door. I stand up and walk toward the cookies, but Gabe catches my elbow and motions for me to follow him to the secluded seats in the corner. The girls don’t pay any attention to us, and we watch the bonfire from a distance as we eat. I’m smiling around a bite of warm, gooey cookie when he speaks low enough for only me to hear. “She’s mad at me.”
I turn my head toward him and wipe at the spot of chocolate I feel on my lip. “She doesn’t seem mad at you.”
“She wouldn’t want her friends to see.” He sets his cookie down and pushes it away like he’s lost his appetite. He leans forward and rubs the back of his head, trying to get it together before he speaks again. “I made her take her pill in front of me. Mom and Dad left me responsible and I panicked.” He looks over to where his sister is and she catches his eye. I watch her smile fall for the briefest of seconds and imagine the way it must break his heart. A rush of air speeds out of his mouth and his eyes meet mine again.
“What happened?” I whisper.
“She was acting too excited. I thought maybe she hadn’t been taking them. It’s this fear.” He rubs at his chest and leans back in the chair, looking up into the sky. “Those pills are the difference between life and death for her, and my parents left them with me. I begged her to let me see the bottle.” He closes his eyes. “She told me it was her life. I can’t understand how the meds make her feel. She hates them. I just kept saying ‘please.’” I reach for the hand still resting on his chest and rub my finger across the back of it.
“You were just doing what you thought was right.” I give his hand a squeeze. I know that sharing this with me must be hard. He seems so strong when helping me, but right now I see the cracks in his facade. He’s hurting and I just want to be here for him.
“She cried. She put it on her tongue and cried, Everly. She swallowed the pill without water and then opened her mouth wide like they make her do in the hospital, to prove she wasn’t cheeking it.” He pulls my hand into his. “It hurt. I have to be so many people with her. Sometimes, like right now, I get to be her brother. I say hi to her friends and light the barbecue and we can all laugh and talk. Then other times I have to be on my parents’ side against her. I have to tell her what she can and can’t do, like she’s some little kid.”
I push my plate away and move my chair in closer to his. It takes everything I have not to pull him into my arms and comfort him. “If she loves you even half as much as you clearly love her, she’ll understand. Sometimes doing what’s right feels wrong. What choice do you have? You’re trying to keep her healthy. What happened next?”
“She took the bottle and threw it at the wall.”
“She took the medication. That’s all that matters.” I watch his face twist with pain. “Maybe for a while it will feel like an uphill battle, but that doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong.”
“It’s not fair. I’m supposed to be her brother, not her fucking keeper. I force her to take pills that make her miserable so she won’t leave us. That’s so fucked up.” We sit back and watch the girls laughing and then standing and gathering their plates. Maggie makes her way over to us as her friends go inside.
“We’re going to the movies. You guys want to come with?” Gabe looks over to me and I shrug my shoulders.
“Thanks, Maggie. I think we’re just going to hang out here.” He keeps his eyes on hers until she agrees, so many unspoken words passing between them.
“In case you’re gone before I get back.” She leans over and hugs me again, this time a little tighter and a little longer. “It was nice meeting you.”
“You too.” Her embrace is different from before, almost defeated. Can she guess what we’ve been talking about? Is she uncomfortable that I’ve been let in on their family secret—her secret?
When she turns and walks back toward the house, Gabe slides his phone from his pocket and types out a quick message. He looks up to the group of girls inside the house as if searching for some sort of sign. Finally his phone beeps and he breathes out a sigh of relief. “She has some really amazing friends who have stuck by her through the tough times. The blonde in there”—he sticks his chin in the direction of the house and I see a petite fair-haired girl sliding her purse onto her shoulder—“she told me she’d look after her tonight. I just asked her to text me if anything happens.”
When the girls finally leave the living room, Gabe’s eyes meet mine. It’s so clear to see that some weight has been lifted from his shoulders. His face is more relaxed and I can see a playful smile beginning to emerge. “Having you here made my day a little better. What was the rest of your day like?”
“I volunteered at the retirement home again. It felt good.” I squeeze his hand in mine.
“Do you ever get tired of doing everything right?” He smiles when he says it, but I can tell he is being serious.
“Not until recently. I used to live for being perfect for everyone. I’ve surprised myself lately by how much I’ve let my mood get in the way of following the rules. This year I ditched class for the first time and flat-out didn’t show up to a few of my regular commitments. What about you? What kind of bad side are you hiding?”
“You’d blush if I told you.” His eyes stare right into mine and I feel heat climb up my neck to my cheeks. Last night he kissed me until we heard my parents pull into the driveway. We both fled to opposite ends of the couch and tried not to laugh while we waited for them to open the door. It didn’t give us any time to talk about what had happened, but I thought a lot about it after he left. I liked that the kiss and the excitement of being with him had chased away my heartache for a while. I’m not ready to dive into anything serious, but maybe Dawn and Rosie have the right idea.
I cock my head to the side and say, “Try me.”
“You wouldn’t be saying that if you could see what I was thinking.” His crooked smile tips me over the edge and makes me feel drunk with lust. I notice my breathing change. His free hand moves lightly to my neck, his thumb slowly sliding over my pulse there.
“Why don’t you show me then.” I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’ve never been this bold, but I’ve also never wanted to get lost in someone as much as I do with Gabe. This time it’s his breath that catches and his mouth is on mine, hot and needy. He kisses me greedily and I love it. I feel wanted and desired, something special that he can’t get close enough to.
He pulls away after a few minutes; our chests are heaving and our hearts are racing. My face is flushed and my lips are swollen from his kisses. He stands and offers
me his hand. I feel nervous, unsure of what will happen, but I put my hand in his and let him pull me to my feet. His arms circle my waist and I wrap my arms around his neck. Until now, he’s been the one always holding me. This time I hold him, pulling him to me and standing firm. The night is dark around us, the flames from the fire are gone, and only a slight red glow from the embers remains.
His lips feather against the sensitive skin below my ear and along my neck. I close my eyes and fill my lungs with his scent as I hold him close. “Come inside with me.”
“Yes,” I say and I pull back, holding his face in my hands. This time I move first, pressing my lips to his, loving the way he responds. He lightly sucks my bottom lip into his mouth before stepping back, grabbing my hands, and pulling me into the house. I can’t believe I’m about to take my sister’s crazy cheer practice advice. Friend, boyfriend, or our own place in between, it doesn’t matter right now. I just want to feel good and I know we can do that for each other.
As I cross the threshold of Gabe’s bedroom my confidence begins to waver a little. I can’t seem to quiet the worried voice in my head, and a wave of fear rushes over me as I question how capable I am of living up to what he’s imagined all this time. My heart flutters in my chest and I steady my breathing, concentrating on four slow counts in and four slow counts out.
I get the feeling that Gabe is picking up on my growing anxiety as he unhurriedly moves toward me, reaching for my waist. I watch his hand getting closer and with a small glance I can see his eyes watching to make sure this is what I want. And deep down I know that I do. I want to feel good again even if it isn’t going to last forever. My hip seems to move on its own accord, turning to meet his palm.
I feel it the moment he touches me, the tingle that begins where his warm hand rests just above my hip, then gradually climbs up my body. His gaze pierces mine as he tugs me closer and his muscles flex as he presses himself against me. His free hand brushes the side of my neck and his fingers tangle into my hair, tipping my face up to his. I breathe him in and thoughts of anything but the way his lips will press against mine flee from my mind.
My body ignites with a steady hum of heat and pulse when his thumb slips beneath the hem of my shirt and caresses the skin underneath. I close my eyes as an intense sensation starts to build within me, insistently aching to be released. As if perfectly in tune with the inner workings of my body, Gabe slides his hand a little lower on my hip, splays it out, and then pulls me to him, pressing his body tighter against mine.
His face is so close, his nose brushing against my cheek as he closes the remaining distance between our lips. His fingers in my hair grow more urgent, tightening their hold and bringing me so close we seem to blend together. Our tongues slide along each other, retreating only to plunge back in. I tuck my hands beneath his T-shirt on each side, needing to feel his skin. I let my palms roam up his tensed back, loving the feel of his muscles contracting beneath them. He pulls his hands away from me to reach over his head and remove his shirt. My teeth dig into my bottom lip as I take in the broad, tan chest in front of me.
After giving me a moment to explore his chest with my eyes, he hooks his fingers under the hem of my shirt and looks at me for approval. I nod my head and raise my arms, feeling another surge of excitement as he slides the fabric up and off my body. I stand before him in only my pink bra, the small satin bow buried between my breasts.
“You’re more beautiful than I imagined.” His voice is rough and deep, drawing me in and making me drunk with excitement. He moves his hands to my sides and presses against me again, tucking his face into the curve of my neck. I love the faint scratch of his cheek as he runs his face up to my ear, sucking it gently. My knees begin to buckle, but he holds onto me tightly, continuing his exquisite torture—tongue and teeth, smooth and rough—along my neck.
My arms are resting on his shoulders, and I lean my head back, urging him to kiss down the other side of my neck too. His tongue licks softly along my collarbone before slipping lower. Finally his hand caresses me and never in my life have I felt so lit up with raw need.
Of course, that is the exact moment that his phone begins to ring. It takes us a minute to shake the fog from our heads and separate so he can answer the call. It feels like I’m floating, every nerve in my body pulsing and afire. I close my eyes, fanning my face to relieve the heat flushing my cheeks. I scramble for my shirt, suddenly worried we’re moving so fast. Once I’ve pulled it over my head, I turn around and watch him. His back is to me and he has his phone to his ear, the other hand rubbing worriedly through his hair.
“She went out with her friends.” I hear only his side of the conversation. “Yes, she took her pill . . . okay, I’ll see you guys soon.” His shoulders slump as he disconnects. He turns to me and tosses the phone on the bed. “My parents are on their way back. They’re worried about us. Maggie called them earlier and told them that we’d gotten into a disagreement.” He looks down to the floor.
“I should go. They’ve never met me and I don’t think it would look too good if they found us here alone together.” I smile at him reassuringly when he looks up and nods in agreement.
He retrieves his shirt from the ground and pulls it back on, covering his chest. “I don’t want you to go, but you’re probably right.” He moves to stand in front of me, chastely kissing my lips while entwining his fingers with mine at our sides. “I’m really glad you came tonight, Everly.”
I roll up onto my toes and press another kiss to his lips. “Thanks for inviting me. I had a lot of fun.” I feel my cheeks flush again and he smiles, squeezing my hand in his. He leads me down the hall and to the front door. Before reaching for the knob, he turns to face me. His hands touch my face softly as he kisses me goodnight. I feel no regret as I leave his house, but a part of me wonders if it will surface as soon as I’m alone in my room.
eighteen
IT FEELS GREAT to wake up on my own instead of to the sound of an alarm insisting I get up. I peek at my clock and see that it is only eight in the morning. My family never expects me to be up so early on Sundays—even when I do wake up, I usually cover my head and stay in bed until someone comes to pull me out. Today though I feel like taking advantage of the beautiful weather.
After a trip to the bathroom I get dressed in my running clothes and dig my shoes out from under a pile in my closet. I love running, but I haven’t been out for a while. It’s hard to think about exercise when you are struggling even to eat. I’ve been doing better with that too, and I feel a little proud as I tie my laces. I can hear my parents’ TV and smell the rich scent of coffee, so I don’t bother to grab my front door key, but I tuck my phone into my bra after starting up my music and putting in my earbuds.
As my feet hit the pavement I quickly fall back into my rhythmic breathing. The sound of a guitar in my ears makes me smile. I downloaded Ed Sheeran’s albums as soon as I got home the night I watched the planes with Gabe. The songs help me to pace myself as I run along the sidewalk and up and down the small hills in my neighborhood. I feel the sweat beading and dripping down my back and head. I’m not a fast runner, but I’ve worked my way up to four miles at a time and love getting lost in the rhythm of it.
I alter my usual path since it would bring me right down Brady’s street, but I can’t help but glance in the direction of his house as I run along the street perpendicular to his. In the distance I see his car in the driveway and then my eyes land on Elle’s car, parked across the street. I feel my feet falter below me and I force myself to keep going up the next block.
Stopping because the burning lump in my throat is making it too hard to breathe, I rest my hands on my knees and try to suck in air. I shouldn’t care anymore. Hasn’t it been enough time? I give myself a minute to rein it all in and then start running again, faster this time, until I’m in a full sprint as I fly up my driveway.
My parents are still in their room when I make my way down the hallway. Rosie’s door is shut. I close my bedroom door
behind me and pull the latest log out of my book, unfolding and straightening it on my desk. The first pen I grab is out of ink, but the second one works and I quickly write down my thoughts.
Situation: She stayed over at his house.
Feelings: OUCH. Panic, fear, hurt. Stomachache, sharp chest pain.
Unhelpful Thoughts: He loves her more than me. She is already a part of his family. I’ve been replaced.
Alternative Thoughts: He will hurt her eventually too. I only saw her car because I was out getting on with my life.
I toss the pen and fold my arms on the desk, resting my head on top of them. I close my eyes and try to focus only on the alternative thoughts. I don’t feel like I’ve come far enough in getting on with my life. I want to so badly, but I can’t push the hurt from my heart. I pull my phone from my bra and shut down the music that has been lost in the background of my crazy thoughts. I let my fingers linger over the keys. It might not be right to share my feelings about this with Gabe, but I can talk to him about something else so that I won’t feel so alone. I pull up his contact so I can begin my text to him, but a bubble pops up on the screen letting me know that Gabe is writing a text to me. I smile, so grateful to have him right now.
GABE: What are you doing two Tuesdays from now, after counseling? I just bought two tickets to a concert you have to see. Would your parents let you out late?
ME: Please tell me it’s Ed Sheeran!
GABE: Does that mean you’ll go with me?
ME: Yes! My parents won’t care. They sort of loosened the reins when I turned eighteen.
GABE: I’ll pick you up next Tuesday morning before school. We’ll go to our appointment together and leave from there.
I sit staring at my phone with a big smile on my face. I grab my pen and write a quick note at the bottom of my log when a new alternative thought enters my mind.
