by L. L. Akers
The golden-oak floors shined with fresh lemon oil, the smell bringing back fond memories of her and her sister spending hours pampering their beloved dressing table. It was amazing the weird things they found to do when they were kids that brought them pleasure.
Just in front of the bed in Gabby’s temporary bedroom, the floor was covered with the soft fabric of a braided rug—yellow, blue, and white. It was obvious to Gabby that this repeated color scheme was purposely chosen to remind her that even in her darkest hour, during her recovery, the sun would eventually come out again and the sky would be blue.
To further combat the war against depression, Jake and his mama had hung a huge painting of a young lady on a swing, hanging from a gorgeous old oak tree, with dozens of sunbeams finding cracks between the full, leafy branches to shine down upon the young lady’s face. She was painted from behind, leaning way back in mid-swing, long brown hair almost dangling to the ground, holding on to the rope sides while she kicked up her dusty bare feet to the sky, swinging in abandon.
The girl in the picture could have been Gabby, or Olivia—or even Emma in a few years. She was so similar in appearance to them. And she looked happy. This was hung directly in front of the bed where Gabby had spent hours upon hours staring at it, sometimes imagining it was one of her sisters when she worried about them or just missed them and sometimes imagining it was herself when she longed to get up but the depression held her there.
It was no coincidence that Gabby had once told Jake her favorite thing to do was to swing and that she loved big, sprawling oak trees, or that his dad had hung a similar swing in the back yard just outside her window.
Jake and his family made a formidable army against Gabby’s postpartum depression topped with the grief of giving up her baby and her mom in the same day. They just wouldn’t let her wallow in her self-pity. They surrounded her with the colors of sunshine, blue skies, and white freshness... a blank palette—hope. That’s what she saw when she paced this room... the colors of hope. And it worked. She had never felt better.
Gabby took a deep breath, exhaled, and dialed the phone. It seemed to ring in slow motion with long drawn-out pauses between each ring, falsely giving Gabby the excuse she was looking for to just assume no one was home and hang up before proven wrong. It had now been over three months since she’d left the hospital, and she was sure Olivia was fit to be tied and would be ready to give her an earful.
On the other end, it rang normally, three times before being picked up.
“Hello?” Olivia answered, breathless from running all the way downstairs to pick up the only phone Uncle Jackson had, an old-timey wall-mounted phone with a long stretchy cord twisted in knots from being pulled around the corner for the couldn’t-live-without-it-adolescent-needed privacy of two generations of children and grandchildren during its long life here in this old farmhouse.
“Hey, Olivia! Happy Birthday!” Gabby said, masking her anxiety with cheerfulness.
“Gabby, where the hell are you? I’ve been worried sick. I haven’t heard from you since the day before you went into the hospital. I’ve even called Jake’s number, which has been changed, and I couldn’t find hide nor hair of you. For all we knew, you could’ve been dead! You should’ve called me!” Olivia spilled out in one rushed lecture.
“I know... I know! I’m sorry! Okay?” Gabby said, trying to get the apology out of the way so they could really talk. “Listen, Olivia, I’m at Jake’s parents’ house, but I don’t want Mom to know. You have to promise not to tell anyone. If she wouldn’t let me come home after having the baby, then she probably doesn’t care about where I am anyway,” Gabby said with her voice full of bitterness.
“I promise, but what are you going to do, Gabby? You can’t stay at his parents’ forever,” Olivia said. “Where are you going to go?”
“I’d love to stay with his parents forever, Olivia. His mom and dad are so nice. Everyone is just happy here. It’s so different from our home life. It seems like I’m watching an episode of Leave it to Beaver or something, except it’s real... They really mean it. His mama treats me like a daughter. She’s been taking really good care of me. Now that I’m back on my feet, I’m looking for a new job, and Jake and I are looking to get a place of our own—and I got big news, Olivia...” Gabby teased her playfully.
“What? Tell me!”
“Umm...” Gabby teased, drawing it out. “Jake and his daddy got me a car.”
“Cool. What kind?”
“A five hundred-dollar beater, a very old Honda. It didn’t have a motor. So they got one from the junkyard and rebuilt it. It runs like a top. Jake’s uncle let them borrow his paint booth and Jake taped up the windows and painted the whole car blue, the same blue as my eyes. It was sweet.
“The inside still needs lots of work, especially the driver’s seat. It’s broken, so for right now, Jake wedged it up with an empty two-drawer toolbox to keep me from lying down when I’m driving,” Gabby said, laughing.
“That is big news, Gabby. You needed a car,” Olivia said, trying to sound enthusiastic but obviously expecting something bigger.
“I’m just kidding you! That’s not it! I mean, yeah... they did get me the car and I love it. But that’s not my really big news,” Gabby said with giddy anticipation.
“Well, out with it. I ain’t got all day, Gabby,” Olivia answered impatiently.
“Okay already, crabby... I mean, Olivia... Jake asked me to marry him! He gave me a friggin’ real diamond ring!”
“Awesome! Slam dunk, girl! I knew you two would work out. He really is your knight in shining armor—if you count camo and boots as armor,” Olivia teased. “Seriously, though, when’s the date? Maybe I can sneak into town just for the wedding.”
“We haven’t set a date. But you’ll have to come... There’s no way I’m standing there without you beside me,” Gabby said, her voice cracking, taking its cue from the stinging behind her eyes. “I miss you, Olivia... It’s just not fair that he did all that to you, but you are the one being punished—and me.”
Olivia took a deep breath and let it out.
“I miss you too, but you know I can’t come back for good yet,” Olivia said firmly. “I’m finally free from him, Gabby. I’m good here. I actually like my life here, surrounded by all our uncles and cousins and all my new friends and church. I feel welcome in this part of the family—and loved and embraced; it’s a good feeling, from so many people at once. Foreign... but really good. Uncle Jackson has even taken me deer hunting and taught me how to drive his tractor!” Olivia said convincingly.
“The only downside is I’m not crazy about being in all this snow again,” Olivia rambled on, trying to get Gabby past the upset by piling her with bits of random information. “I’m sure you remember, although spring is probably poking its head out there. The snow was beautiful to see again the first time it fell, but it never gets warm enough to melt and go away. The snow plows just kept pushing more and more of it to the sides of the road and then it looks like big, dreary mud mountains the rest of the winter. They seem to be shrinking a little each day now, so I’m hoping in a few more weeks the last of it will be gone and I can see some buds on the trees around here. But everything else is going great.
“Maybe one day Billy will find someone else,” Olivia continued in an upbeat voice. “If you keep tabs on him and tell me, then maybe I can come home,” she said, her voice beginning to waver on the word “home.”
“If I come home before then, Gabby, after hiding from him for so long... he might just really kill me,” Olivia finished, not nearly as strong as when she started.
“I know... ” Gabby said sadly, but agreeing completely with everything Olivia said, just needing to hear it reiterated out loud so she didn’t forget why Olivia had to stay so far away. “And I think he’s capable of it too. I ran into his cousin the other day... and she asked about you. I told her I had no idea where you were. She says if I hear from you to tell you Billy has changed and wants his wife ba
ck,” Gabby told her against her better judgment. “But you know that’s bullshit, Olivia. He’ll never change.”
“Yeah, I know he hasn’t changed—and never will. Don’t you worry about that. I’m never going back to him. I’ve learned my lesson, Gabby. I can be happy without a man,” Olivia said. “You just make sure your friend that works with him lets you know if Billy gets a serious girlfriend. I’ll have to keep my eye out for the divorce announcement if he does, because you know if he dates someone seriously, she’ll push him to pursue a divorce... and he has to be the one to do it and publish it nationwide for a non-contested divorce. If I do it, then he’ll know where I’m at.”
“I’ll keep my ears open,” Gabby said. “Have you talked to Dad lately?”
“Yep. He said you sucker-punched him... and got his foot itchin’ real good, so he went back. He got a job and was able to find an apartment right down the road from Mom—for a few weeks until she moved to the country—but he’s been picking up Emma every weekend. He also pops in every once in a while to take her to dinner. He says she’s fine when she’s with him. He doesn’t know what you were so worried about. I guess you didn’t tell him?”
“Hell to the no! I wouldn’t say that to him unless I knew for sure. He’d kill Mark, but I feel better with him being here. That might keep Mark from picking up his game again with Emma—or worse—if he knows ‘Daddy’ is just down the road.”
“Well, she’s not a baby anymore... She might look younger, but she is twelve now. I think she’s old enough that she’d say something, especially to Dad, if something freaky was going on. Oh, and Dad said if you called to give you his number so you could call him. Maybe you could get together for lunch or dinner or something. He’s lonely when he’s not with Emma,” Olivia said.
“Not right now, Olivia. I just need some space from everyone to concentrate on me and Jake. Maybe I’ll get it the next time I call. My life is finally starting to take off. I feel like there’s been a big parachute dragging behind me for the last eighteen years and someone has finally just cut the strings. It’s like what you said, but for me, being away from our family gives me a sense of peace and freedom from the drama and stress of it all, which reminds me... We’re totally twins again! I got the tattoo!”
“Seriously? Does it look just like mine and Mom’s?” Olivia asked enthusiastically.
“Just like it! I took the artwork copy back to the same tat artist that gave Mom hers. Now we’re identical again... and free.”
“What did Jake say about that?”
“He paid for it. He said if it made me feel better, then he wanted me to have it. He loves it too, says it’s sexy—but we have to be sure his mama and daddy doesn’t see it. They are a tattoo-free family,” Gabby said and laughed.
“Cool, now the only one who doesn’t have one is Emma. Let’s hope she doesn’t find out about yours and find a way to get one at her age! But seriously, Gabby... I got to run. I’m working out at the YMCA with my friends before work today since I’m working the late shift tonight. We need to finish this later. Can I call you back?” Olivia asked.
“No... I’ll call you back as soon as I can—I don’t want to give out Jake’s parents’ number to anyone. If I can land a good enough job, I’m getting a cell phone. Then you got to get one too. ‘Talk anywhere... anytime,’” Gabby mimicked the baritone voice on the commercial and then giggled.
Gabby sounded happy, and that made Olivia happy.
“It’s good to hear you laugh, Gabby. I know emotionally, especially with the postpartum stuff, it hasn’t been easy for you”—Olivia paused—“but I want you to know I think you did the right thing. I’m sorry I couldn’t be there because of my jerk of a husband, but I am proud of you. Do you think of the baby much?”
“Every day, Olivia. I make myself think of him every day. I don’t want to forget his smell, or his eyes, or that adorable tiny dent in his chin. I pray that his life is wonderful, but I’ll never give up on the hope that he finds me again one day. The pain is still there, but I haven’t cried for him in weeks. I think my heart is healing some.”
“Well, it sounds like you’re making peace with it. And you and Jake will have lots of babies one day, when you guys are ready,” Olivia answered reassuringly.
“I hope so. Well, I’m going to make you late if I don’t hang up... I’ll let you go. Love you, bye.”
“Hey wait, Gabby!”
“What?”
“Happy birthday to you, too. Looks like we’re finally adults now,” Olivia said mischievously.
“Yeah, looks like. Always wondered what that would feel like,” Gabby joked back.
“Well, I think we’re through the worst, so the next eighteen are going to be the good years. Love you, Bye,” Olivia said and hung up, ending their conversation with their usual quick farewell—like a Band-Aid, pulling it off quickly so as not to drag out the pain.
CHAPTER 18
Olivia had enjoyed a day on the farm by herself. Uncle Jackson had been out fishing with his brothers while Olivia climbed up into the hayloft with a good book, two bottles of water, and a family-size pack of Cheetos. The mixture of fresh hay, horse, and leather tack always tickled her nose to remind her of their childhood, where she and Gabby had explored every barn they could come across, as well as chasing each other with cow prods and playing “dodge the cow patty” while racing from one end of the pasture to the other.
So she’d fudged the truth with Gabby again. She didn’t feel bad about it. Gabby had enough to worry about—giving up a beautiful baby boy. She didn’t need to know that Olivia had dropped to less than a hundred pounds, unable to eat for the fear and worry over Billy finding her. She also missed her family. It was her first time away from Gabby and the others. Her uncle and cousins were great, but she’d barely known them. Now she lived off canned liquid vitamin juice, and even swallowing that was hard to do. But she’d learned one thing through it all: she was a damn good actress. No one suspected how bad off she really was.
She lounged in a bubble bath, having washed the itchy hay off before a rash could set in, when she heard the front door open and close. Uncle Jackson was home early. She dried off quickly, throwing on some sweatpants and a T-shirt before quickly opening the bathroom door, not wanting to disappoint Uncle Jackson with no supper but getting caught up short with him home early.
“Hey, Uncle Jackson. You’re home early! What do you want for supper tonight?” Olivia asked, smiling at her favorite uncle.
“Girl, ain’t I ever gonna break you of that ‘hey’ stuff? Hay is for horses! You been here over a year now. It’s time you starting saying ‘hi,’” he teased her gruffly.
“Whatever, Uncle Jackson... I think I’ll keep that smidgeon of southern with me,” Olivia said, winking at him over her shoulder before going back to digging through the refrigerator.
“We’ll see about that!” he said, followed by a forced huff. He was all hot air; he loved all the bits of southern Olivia had brought with her—wouldn’t change a thing about her—and fondly referred to her as his southern belle when talking about her. He just wouldn’t admit it to Olivia. Olivia was a godsend coming when she did. His kids were now grown with families of their own. He’d gotten pretty lonely out there all alone on the farm with never any company, save his brothers and their wives. After his own wife died, he didn’t have the energy to pursue another wife and didn’t think he could ever replace the one he’d had anyway.
“I think I’d like to make us some potato soup. Does that sound good?” Olivia asked.
“Sounds good to me, honey,” Uncle Jackson answered.
“Okay, I’ll be back. I’m going to run to the store for some fresh milk. The soup doesn’t taste right unless the milk is real fresh. Need anything else, Uncle Jackson?” she asked.
“Nope. Be careful.”
Olivia felt the fine hairs on her neck nervously tickle her as if in giddy expectancy as she walked to her car. Her nerves tightened like a fist to her stomach. Why
hadn’t she listened to Uncle Jackson when he’d issued his standard “be careful?” That would include parking near a light pole, except it hadn’t been dark when she went in, only when she came out. She threw a long look over her shoulder... No one was there, but that didn’t convince her fluttery nerves, so she stopped walking abruptly to listen to the sounds around her: a car passing, the sound already fading away, the end of a long whistle on the Santa Fe train system that was such a part of this town she almost didn’t notice it, the faint buzzing of the Safeway grocery sign... nothing else—just the beat of her own heart, which sounded louder than anything else to her.
She shook off the feeling as having too much caffeine and resumed a hurried walk, almost a run, toward her car, wishing she hadn’t let Uncle Jackson talk her into that late-night scary movie last night.
Olivia climbed in, shoving the two bags of groceries into the passenger floorboard and quickly locking her door. She let out her breath that she didn’t realize she’d been holding, then laughed. She felt silly for getting herself all worked up about nothing; she was fine. Locked up tight, safe in her car.
As she leaned over to look for the keyhole—there was no working interior light in this old thing—someone grabbed her head from behind, roughly pushing her down into the passenger seat and hulking over her to grab the keys out of her hand before she even knew what was happening.
“It’s me, Olivia. Don’t scream,” said the voice from the back, his arm still through the bucket seats, holding her down firmly.
Olivia’s blood ran cold. He had found her, after all this time. She was speechless; she wasn’t sure what to say or do. Thoughts raced through her head. Here was her past, looming over her, already having her at his mercy with one shove.
