by Lin Stepp
“I’m really disappointed in your Scott Jamison,” she told Fritzi, repeating her thoughts out loud. Fritzi took little notice, bounding on up the road ahead of her.
Hoping a walk outdoors would alleviate some of her built-up stress, Vivian and the collie had set out around the loop road in front of the farmhouse. Now they were following the creek as they strolled up a side street called the Wildwood Road. It led eventually to a white church on a hillside by the same name, and Vivian decided to explore the old cemetery beside the church before starting back.
She found many familiar names among the gravestones - Harts, Millers, McFees, Harpers, Rayburns. Vivian located Mamie’s grave there, too, along with other Jamison tombstones. Even on a walk, she couldn’t seem to escape from the Jamison family. Under two large shade trees at the back of the cemetery, Vivian found a concrete bench. She sat down for a minute before noticing a saying engraved across the back of it. It read: “Spend time with God here - and your answers will become clear.”
Vivian sighed. She needed some answers, all right.
All morning, Vivian had found it difficult to focus and write for the minimal four hours she expected of herself every workday. She had written anyway. After all, she knew she didn’t have to be inspired to write.
She reached down to pet the collie’s head. “I learned a long time ago, Fritzi, that when a person has work to do, they just have to do it – not wait to be inspired or motivated. And when people have a writing gift – and I know I have that – they just have to make a space for that gift to flourish in. It’s a theory I’ve tested time and time again and found to be true.”
The collie lifted her ears and seemed to look up in genuine interest.
Vivian smiled at her. “My problem today was that I never moved over into what psychologists call flow – the state in which you lose yourself in the writing and in which time seems to just magically slip by. In fact, I had to fight to keep my focus and concentration at all. I watched the clock the whole four hours I was working, and the time simply dragged by minute by minute.”
Frizi put a paw up on Vivian’s knee sympathetically. Vivian petted her again, glad of her company.
As the little collie took off to chase a passing butterfly, Vivian closed her eyes to enjoy the quiet and relax her mind.
“Lord, I hope the saying on this bench is true, because I need some clear answers.” She picked up a leaf to twist it in her hand. “I don’t know what to do about Scott. He is different from anyone I have ever known before. I admit that I’m attracted to him. No man has ever made me feel like he does, Lord. I know he likes me, but I don’t just want to be just a conquest for him. I’m sorry I made him mad, perhaps let things go a little too far. He would be so easy to love that way. I’ve never wanted so much ever before to… uh, well …” She stopped and sighed.
“But I hated that he made me feel so stupid because I haven’t done that before with someone else. What is so wrong with that anyway, Lord? Why is that practically made fun of today?”
She stopped and thought for a minute. “It’s odd, Lord. Once adultery was thought to be wrong. In the story of The Scarlet Letter, Hester was forced to wear an embroidered A on her chest for succumbing to passion inappropriately. Today if an unmarried woman Hester’s age didn’t yield to her passions, she would probably be required to wear a big V on her chest for still being a virgin.” Vivian shook her head and smiled at the humor of her own thoughts in this. “We’ve gone from one extreme to another. It’s hard to know what is right sometimes with so much pressure.”
Vivian hung her head. “I hated Scott being so angry at me for saying no, Lord. I also felt I might be starting to fall in love with him a little, too. Do you have to sleep with a man to have love today, Lord? Is that the only way anymore?”
She kicked at a stone on the ground. “I almost wish I never had to see Scott Jamison again. I hate all these confused emotions. After all, I came here for peace – not more turmoil. Maybe I just ought to leave.”
A noise startled her, and she looked up to see a man coming across the cemetery from the back of the church. Catching her gaze, he smiled and waved as he came nearer.
“I’m Reverend James.” He smiled and held out a hand. “Gilbert James. I saw you through my study window at the back of the church.” He pointed behind him to indicate. “I don’t think we’ve met, so I thought I’d just come out a minute and say hello. Besides, it’s the sort of day that keeps wanting to draw me out into the sunshine. Ever since I got back from lunch at the Blackbear, I’ve had trouble concentrating on my work. Do you ever have days like that?”
He was a comfortable-looking man, probably in his early forties, his hair receding slightly on each side of his forehead. He wore glasses, khakis and a white shirt, and he had a nice smile that made Vivian feel relaxed.
Vivian took his hand and smiled back. “I’m Vivian Delaney. I’m staying down at the Jamison place.”
“Ah, yes,” he answered. “Vivian of the chestnut hair. My wife Susan and my mother-in-law Ruth Hart called on you. I wasn’t able to come that day, had a hospital visitation. I’m pleased to meet you now. Mind if I sit down here with you a minute?”
Vivian moved over and gave him space on the bench.
“I was looking around the cemetery,” she said. “The bench attracted me as a nice place for a rest before starting back. Do you think it’s true what the saying on the bench says?”
“That if you spend time with God here your answers will become clear?” He gave her a kindly look.
She nodded.
“Well, I have two responses for that.” He pushed up his glasses thoughtfully. “First, local legend has it that many an important and needed answer was found right here on this very bench. So the bench has developed a certain regional appeal. A lot of folks come to sit here on this bench when they need to find an answer to a problem. Some swear by it.”
Vivian smiled. She liked folklore.
“My other answer is that when you spend time with God in any place, on this bench or in any other place, your answers are more likely to become clear just from the time spent with Him. Do you see the little scriptural note carved underneath?”
Vivian looked behind her. “Isaiah 65:24,” she read. “I don’t think I remember that one right off.”
“The scripture reads: ‘And it will come to pass, that before they call, I will answer; and while they are yet speaking I will hear.’” He smiled. “You see, God is eager to answer; it’s just that all too often we don’t ask.”
“Do you think God has changed over time in what He expects of people?” Vivian frowned as she asked this. “It’s a different world today from the days of the Bible. A lot of people think some of the expectations of that time aren’t relevant for today’s time.”
Reverend James folded his arms over his chest as he considered this question. “Well, in thinking on that, several thoughts come to mind. First, like the Word says, there’s really nothing new in the world. Most joys and wonders we know, and most sins and temptations we experience have always been around. The beauty and wonder of the clouds on a day like today, or the troubling of a man or woman’s heart when they’re tempted with a roll in the hay and yet know it’s wrong in the eyes of God. Both are as old as time, I’d say. That’s the way it is with most things. The times don’t change basic joys or temptations much. I find that the rationalizations for sin are about the same now as they always have been, from Biblical days to today.”
Vivian, at first enchanted with his words about the timeless beauty of the clouds, found herself almost in shock after he mentioned the temptation of a man and a woman. She kept her eyes down and avoided his. Did the man read minds?
He seemed unaware of her thoughts, and continued on congenially. “So the first part of my answer is that people and times haven’t really changed that much in the essence of things.” He paused a moment. “And for the second part, I don’t think God has changed, either. The Word says He’s the same yes
terday, today, and forever more. People are always trying to update God, change Him around, revise His ideas, and modernize Him. But think for a minute about why people do that. It’s generally to rationalize sin and wrong-doing, don’t you think?”
He turned to her with an inquiring look.
“It’s my belief that deep down, those that really know the Lord know what’s really right.” He stopped to study on that for a moment. “But there are times that all of us get confused and upset, that we wonder if we’ve got it right. This is particularly true when some new life situation or person challenges our beliefs in some way. We question ourselves then. It’s entirely human. We do that even when, deep down, I think we already know the answer.”
He smiled at her more broadly then.
“Perhaps that’s why this bench seems to work for folks.” He patted it affectionately with his hand. “When they sit here long enough, the truth they already know just rises up and becomes clear.”
“Maybe so.” Vivian ran her fingers over the print on the bench thoughtfully.
As she looked out over the shady cemetery, a quiet, peaceful feeling settled over her. “You know, talking with you reminds me of my chats with my girlhood pastor, Reverend Paulton, back home. He was my best friend’s father and I spent a lot of time at the Paulton’s house growing up.”
Pastor James nodded and leaned down to pick up a stray twig on the ground. “If you could be back home and could ask Reverend Paulton one thing right now, Vivian, what might you ask him?”
Vivian didn’t answer at first, but Reverend James just sat there patiently on the bench, looking out over the cemetery and the green lawn. The birds sang in the trees overhead, the bees hummed in the flowered bushes nearby. A cow mooed off in the background. It was such a pleasant, peaceful place.
“I’d ask, how do people know when they’re in love?” she said at last.
“Hmmm, that’s a hard one.” Gilbert James scratched his chin, obviously thinking it over. “Even the Word says it’s one of the great mysteries, the ways of a man and a maid. But my thought is that there is the stirring of the possibility of love from the start. And sometimes those stirrings and thoughts aren’t always comfortable. We’re used to our singular ways. There is a selfish reluctance in all of us to begin to think of some other individual as much as ourselves – or more highly than ourselves. So in that sense, I think the beginnings of love are often uncomfortable.”
“That’s an interesting idea.” Vivian picked up a leaf that had fallen from the tree overhead and traced her fingers across it. “What about the movie idea - seeing a stranger across a crowded room and knowing right away?”
Reverend James smiled. “Well, if I recall that film, there were enough difficulties getting that couple together to make a whole Technicolor musical.”
“Yes, there were.” Vivian laughed. “In fact, both of the romances in that movie had problems.”
“It’s another little theory of mine,” he said. “Just a theory, mind you, that people resist love in the same way they resist letting God into their hearts. It means giving up an aspect of self. Sharing, trusting, giving another first place in one’s thoughts. It means sacrifice and change. People resist that. I often see people testy and cross when they are near to conversion. I often see people testy and cross when they are near to loving.”
Vivian turned the leaf over in her hand as she thought about his words. “That’s an intriguing idea, too, Reverend James.”
“I thought you might appreciate it, being an academic.” He grinned at her.
Vivian smiled back. “I’ve met your wife, Susan. She’s very nice. Tell me how you fell in love with her. How you knew.”
“Well, since everyone in the valley knows this story, I guess there’s no reason not to share it.” Reverend James chuckled. “I came here as a young pastor to replace Reverend Charles Jackson Hart, lovingly known by all as C.J. He had pastored the church since he was a young man, and it was a hard act to follow, coming after him. But the congregation felt strongly, after my initial visits to meet the people and preach, that I was the one meant to follow. I did, too. I’d been an assistant pastor in a larger church, done evangelistic work and traveled, and I was ready for a church of my own.”
He paused a minute. “When I first came, Ruth Hart – that was C.J.’s wife – insisted I stay in her home for a season while I looked for a place to live. She has a big farmhouse down the road behind the church, so it was close for me, too. Her children were all grown and gone except for one of her girls just out of high school, and Ruth Hart had plenty of room. After I lived with Ruth for a few weeks, I found myself all too conscious of her young daughter, Susan. I was just mortified, believe me. Here Mrs. Hart was offering me her hospitality and I was finding myself thinking unpastoral thoughts about her daughter. It was a terrible time for me.”
Vivian laughed. “What did you do?”
“Well I fought it, of course. In my natural mind everything was wrong about it. She was young. She was the daughter of the man who had pastored the church before me. And I was boarding in her mother’s house. I hadn’t even settled myself into the valley, and I thought it would be the kiss of death on my new ministry to get involved with Susan Hart.”
“What did Susan think?” Vivian was fascinated, as always, by the beginnings of a good story.
“I had no idea,” he said, laughing. “There were times I thought she was flirting with me, times I thought she was watching me, and other times I thought she was just being nice to me. It didn’t get my ministry in this area off to the easiest start. There was all this turmoil going on inside of me, and I didn’t feel that I could talk to anyone about it. Unfortunately, I was also having trouble finding a rental property in the area that I could afford at the time. And, believe me, I was eager to get out of that Hart house.”
“What happened?”
“An episode that changed everything.” Gilbert looked over and gave Vivian a boyish grin. “Ruth sent Susan and me over to Mrs. Rayburn’s to take food and visit after she had been in an accident. Since it was a fine summer’s day, we walked. As it turned out, we got caught in a rainstorm on the way back, had to take shelter in a barn, and my righteousness took a back seat to my flesh. I found Susan more than eager to meet me halfway.”
Vivian looked shocked.
“Now, now,” Reverend James said with a smile. “It was just words and heated kissing. But I knew then my feelings were returned and how things would be. The Lord created passion, Vivian, and it’s one of his very fine creations. Ellen Greene told me once she believes the Lord brings a chemical reaction between two people so they’ll know they belong together. She maintains it’s different with different folks. But when the rain quit that day, I went home an engaged man.”
“How did Ruth Hart take that?”
Reverend James laughed and shook his head. “Said she’d wondered how long it was going to take the two of us to figure it out!”
Vivian laughed with him, and then a memory made her feel sad.
“It takes some time knowing.” Reverend James twirled his twig thoughtfully in his hand. “And you have to be willing to take the risk to see it through. At one point I thought it would be easier to run. I’d just come to the valley. I believed falling in love with Susan was inappropriate. I thought a number of times about just leaving to avoid the problem.”
Vivian dropped her eyes. “Do you think the Lord knows who He wants each person to be with?”
“How could you look around at the order of His world and think He wouldn’t?” Gilbert asked her. “But then I’m a big believer of purposes and plans and destinies.”
“So am I.”
“Well, the Word says over and over again that blessings come to the righteous. So I tell my congregation that walking in righteousness and virtue is a key to receiving blessings in any capacity. When temptations or confusions come about, that’s the key to remember – to stay on the right track so everything will work out as it should.”<
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“That’s a good thought.” Vivian looked up at him and smiled.
Reverend James stood up and dusted off his pants. “Well, come to church on Sunday at ten o’clock and maybe you’ll hear some more.” He gave her a warm smile and offered her a hand. “And come back to the answer bench anytime, too. Or come by the office if I can ever help you with anything.”
Vivian took his hand and stood up, also. “You and the bench have both been a help today. Thank you.”
As she started away, Frizi jogging along beside her, Reverend James called out to her. “Vivian …”
“Yes,” she answered, turning back around. She saw him standing beside Mamie Jamison’s headstone with his hand laid casually across it.
“Remember what we said about it being hard for some to come to terms with yielding to the idea of love? Some bloodlines are gentler and some are more hot-blooded. Remember that patience is a virtue and to let patience have its perfect work. It’s more needed with some. And so might be self-restraint.”
He patted the tombstone fondly and started back toward the church. Vivian stood for a moment flabbergasted, trying to take in what he had said.
“I’m going to have to watch out for him,” Vivian told Fritzi as they walked away from the cemetery and headed back toward the farmhouse. “That man’s got a way of knowing just a little too much about what’s going on with me. He’s dangerous.”
Despite that, Vivian felt better and lighter for getting out and for having met Reverend James at the cemetery.
She reached down to pat Fritzi’s head fondly. “You know, I think there really is something to that bench. Old legends are often truer than fact, you know.”
She walked back to the farmhouse with a lighter step, took a long bath in a scented tub of bubbles, and put on her favorite navy slacks with a cerulean blue blouse to wear to the Greene’s. She knew it was an outfit that made her eyes appear even bluer.
Looking in the mirror at herself in the bedroom, she smiled. “Well, if there’s anything starting to develop with Scott Jamison, we might as well look our best.”
