by Suzi Davis
“I thought you always did what you wanted,” I blurted out, my voice slightly breathless. I vaguely noticed that the strange, supernatural wind had abruptly died back down to a more seasonable gust, the leaves were already resettling upon the ground. It felt like I had imagined it all. He studied me warily, his eyes a dark, unreadable gray.
“Sometimes what we want in the moment is not the same as what we want for ourselves in the larger scheme of things,” he answered carefully. I frowned, confused. He laughed but this time it sounded forced. “Come on, I still want to show you something,” he reminded me. He tugged at my hand but I stood frozen in place.
“But I thought… the leaves, the wind – wasn’t that you?”
He stared at me incredulously, making me hear the ridiculousness of my own accusation. I blushed once more. How did he scramble my thoughts and my feelings this way? I wasn’t even making sense to myself.
“Of course it wasn’t, I’m being stupid,” I muttered, shaking my head to try to clear my thoughts. “I’m sorry. It’s just sometimes, when I’m around you… well, things just seem to happen. It’s like you have some kind of strange magic… I don’t know how to explain it.” I glanced at him anxiously, expecting to see judgment and ridicule on his face. To my surprise though, he was considering me seriously, his face solemn, his eyes weary.
“Things do happen around me,” he reluctantly admitted. He hesitated, as if debating on what to say next. “It’s not like you think though – I don’t do it on purpose. I can’t control anything really. It’s just my presence seems to sometimes… twist fate.” He watched me carefully as he spoke, studying my reaction.
I didn’t answer right away. I took a moment to consider him, to slowly process what he had just said. It didn’t make sense, it wasn’t possible – at least it shouldn’t be but for some reason, I knew that it was. As impossible as it may have seemed, I undoubtedly believed him.
“My drawing, the coins, the rainbow – it was all because of you,” I realized, my voice a whispered hush. “And at the Gala, the wine – was that you too?” I felt a little silly, realizing he might start laughing at any moment and claim to be playing a joke on me. He didn’t laugh. He nodded slowly, watching me anxiously. “I thought something was going on. The Jensons must know too, don’t they? But… how? Why? Have strange things always just ‘happened’ around you?”
“As long as I can remember.” He frowned, looking away from me to the forest. He looked upset, the corners of his mouth turned down slightly, there was a strain in his eyes.
“I’m sorry,” I sympathized, automatically. He looked back at me suddenly, his eyes bright once more with curiosity and… something else.
“I wish I could tell you more, but I can’t – not now.” He was frowning again, his moods flickering back and forth so quickly I was struggling to keep up.
“Why not?”
“I just – can’t. Please, you’ll have to trust me.”
I nodded as if I understood. Trusting him was one thing that I could do, it came easily to me. I knew he didn’t want to talk about it anymore so I left it at that – for now. I held my hand out to him, he stared at it questioningly, his eyes uncertain.
“You wanted to show me something?”
He smiled, his face brightening as he remembered. He grasped my hand, this time linking his fingers through mine and squeezing affectionately.
“Thank you,” he whispered gratefully, obviously appreciating my letting the subject drop. He brushed his lips against the back of my hand so quickly I almost missed the gesture. My skin was instantly warmed though and tingled where his lips had touched. “Let’s go.” He pulled me along down the winding, leaf-strewn trail through the tall, old trees.
Even in the late fall, Beacon Hill Park was beautiful. We walked through the towering old growth trees, on the arched stone bridges over glassy, duck-filled ponds, and past the petting zoo where wild peacocks roamed the woods. I had only ever driven through the park before, seeing just hints of its wonders through the dark tinted glass of my father’s Mercedes. It was like a new world was being opened up to me today. Sebastian was sharing a side of Victoria with me that I’d never seen before; he was making the city feel like home.
“Where are we going?” I asked him as he suddenly darted off the graveled path.
“Here,” he announced, pulling me to a stop. We stood in front of a towering and twisting old oak tree.
“You wanted to show me a tree?”
“Not just any tree. Come on,” he invited, stepping towards the base of the trunk. “Here, let me give you a boost.” He bent over, twining his fingers together and expectantly waiting for me to comply with my foot. I took a small, nervous step back.
“I’m not going to climb that tree,” I told him as firmly as possible.
“Why not?”
“Because… we’re not children. This is ridiculous – I don’t even think we’re allowed.”
He rolled his eyes at me, ignoring my objections and offering me his hands again. I stared at him uncertainly. I wasn’t even sure I could climb the tree. He gazed back at me patiently, a smile in his eyes. I knew I couldn’t disappoint him.
“Fine,” I grumbled. I checked that my bag was securely looped across my chest before stepping forward and hesitantly placing my foot in his hands.
Before I could really prepare myself, he easily and effortlessly thrust me upwards. I grabbed a branch that only moments ago had been high above my head, and balanced myself as I scrambled up into the tree’s bough – it was surprisingly easy.
“You’re a natural,” Sebastian complimented. He quickly climbed up beside me – as at home and agile in the tree as a monkey. I grinned at him, unexpectedly enjoying myself.
“Not as good as you,” I argued.
“Oh, but I’ve had years of practice. Come on,” he encouraged as he started to climb higher. I stood up on the sturdy bough, my fingers gripping branches and finding handholds in the crevices in the ancient bark. I was feeling very proud of myself for just getting up into the tree but now that Sebastian was climbing higher, I felt my courage wavering. Sebastian immediately noticed my hesitation.
“You can do it, Gracelynn. Just remember – kids do this all the time.” He held his hand down to me, gripping my fingers tightly as he pulled me higher into the tree’s branches.
Thanks to Sebastian’s gentle encouragement and strong tugs and pulls, we made it nearly to the top of the tree. We were at least fifty feet up off the ground; it made me dizzy to look straight down. We sat together in the crook of the tree’s highest strong bough, its shape curving around us as if it were a tailor-made seat, the wind gently rocking us back and forth. I tried to relax back into the rough bark and lounge like Sebastian was, I couldn’t quite emulate his ease though – the height was making me nervous. He looked like he was fighting a smile, as if he could guess at my thoughts.
“This is what I wanted to show you.” He reached towards me as he spoke, his fingers tracing the deep lines in the tree’s bark near my leg. I watched his movements as he carefully stroked the bark and then realized what I was seeing. His name was carved into the tree, so deeply and naturally that it looked like the letters were a part of the bark’s grain itself. He must have done it years ago, probably when he was a child, and I imagined he would have needed to re-carve the letters at least every year for the bark not to heal over itself.
“It’s your tree,” I murmured in wonder.
He laughed at my pronouncement. “Having my name on it doesn’t make it mine,” he objected.
I snorted. “You know what I mean.”
“I do,” he agreed softly, more seriously. “It’s not just mine anymore. I want to share it with you.”
I smiled. Clarke bought me flowers and jewelry – Sebastian gave me a tree. I couldn’t imagine a gift more fitting or more meaningful.
He reached inside his leather jacket and pulled out a small silver penknife. He then quickly and skillfully began carving
the letters of my name deep into the tree trunk, just beneath his own. It took him several minutes to complete the task. I watched him silently, admiring his work once he finished. GRACELYNN, it read.
“Thank you,” I said softly. My whispered words floated to him on the icy breeze that was swaying the tree top and whipping at our clothes. He merely nodded, a small, wistful smile on his face. For a brief moment, something familiar flashed deep within his eyes as his gaze met mine, an infinite sadness, a mourning, that for some strange reason, I felt like we shared. For the length of a heartbeat the connection between us was intense and undeniable, and then just as quickly it was gone.
Sebastian hesitated, confusion clouding his eyes as he studied my face. I knew without a doubt he had felt it too. His eyes cleared before I could speak, my sudden need for comfort and reassurance reflected in his expression. He barely hesitated this time before moving closer towards me, nestling his body beside mine in the crook of the bough. He felt warm and solid beside me, and absurdly familiar. I leaned into him automatically, resting my head against his shoulder. Neither of us spoke, we just sat there in companionable silence, cradled in the arms of the swaying tree, high up above the earth. It felt like magic, like we were part of an entirely different world.
We stayed up in the tree for what felt like hours. There was an outdoor concert in the park that day and the sounds of it drifted up to our ears. We watched people walk and children skip beneath us as the sun made its slow path across the gray sky, occasionally peeking out from behind the thin clouds.
We spoke only of frivolous things that afternoon. Sebastian told me stories that made me laugh and tales so outlandish I knew they couldn’t possibly be true. I told him a little about my life before moving to Victoria, my old school, my old house – he seemed particularly interested in hearing tales of my childhood and it was a comfort for me to reminisce.
When the sun began to sink lower in the sky and the air held even more of a chill, we climbed back down to the ground. Strangely I wasn’t stiff or cold from sitting there for so long; it had been a perfectly comfortable haven – even better than my window seat at home.
We hurried back to the harbor, Sebastian even raced me part of the way and I found myself laughing with pleasure from the sprint. It felt like years since I’d ran with the wind in my hair like that, with no cares in the world. I felt lighthearted as we came to the parking lot where I’d left my car. My heart started to sink as the time approached to say goodbye.
“Don’t look so sad, Gracelynn. It’s only goodbye for now, for today,” Sebastian comforted me, tenderly brushing his fingers against my cheek. I tried not to blush, embarrassed by the obviousness of my thoughts.
“I should be saying goodbye for longer than that, but…” I cast my eyes downward. “Even goodbye for now is difficult enough. Thank you for today though, it’s meant so much to me. It felt amazing to just… have fun.”
“You’re welcome,” he answered politely, smiling at me sideways. I was struck again by how very handsome and charming he could sometimes be.
“I wish there was something I could do for you, in return…”
“Your friendship is enough,” he assured me. “It’ll have to be,” he added, so softly that I wasn’t certain he meant for me to hear. A sudden hope flared inside of me.
“I’m going to break up with Clarke tomorrow,” I blurted. I wasn’t sure when I’d decided that, but it was true enough. I could no longer go on pretending, not after today. Sebastian’s expression became hesitant.
“If that’s what you want. If it makes you happy,” he said slowly.
“Would that make you happy?” I asked quietly, trying my hardest not to blush.
“I’m happy, as long as my friend is happy,” he told me, flashing me his full, dimpled smile. I tried not to be stung by his emphasis. “Goodbye, Gracelynn. Good luck tomorrow. Don’t be too anxious – just listen to your heart.” I nodded, as if it were that easy.
I was overwhelmed by my thoughts and emotions as I hopped into my car and started the engine, Sebastian’s last words echoing in my mind. How was I supposed to understand my heart when I was hearing it for the first time? Thump, thump, thump. My heart throbbed painfully as I drove away, leaving Sebastian and our magical day together far behind me.
Chapter Six - Wants and Needs
I had a difficult time falling asleep that night; there was so much to think about. Everything about Sebastian was mysterious and confusing. No matter how I tried, I just couldn’t untangle my thoughts and feelings. When I eventually did succumb to sleep, my dreams were vivid, fast-paced and exhausting, though thankfully, I didn’t have any nightmares or dreams of death. My subconscious mind had been thrown into just as much turmoil as the rest of me and confusing images and sensations melded one dark and magical dream into the next. When I first felt the soft touch on my cheek, I thought I was dreaming still.
“Wake up sleepyhead.” The voice that spoke was a soft murmur, a gentle, amused lilt. “You must be an angel – you sleep like the dead.” My eyes flew open at the sound of his quiet laughter. Though I had dreamt of him most of the night, his actual presence was overwhelming, shocking – it seemed more surreal than the dreams.
“Sebastian! How…?”
He quickly moved his hand from my cheek to place a finger over my lips, quieting me. It was then that I noticed the weak, gray light coming from the window. I glanced at my alarm clock; it was 6:30 am. The house was still and silent except for the faint sounds of our staff beginning their work in the floors below.
“What are you doing here? How did you get in?” I demanded in a whispered hiss. He grinned back at me, his eyes somehow managing to twinkle in the dim light.
“I snuck in. I can be very inconspicuous when I want to be.”
I snorted disbelievingly. He smiled back at me, obvious happiness and excitement radiating from every inch of him; he seemed to almost glow. This definitely felt like a dream yet I was fairly certain I was awake. I sat up a little more, propping myself up on the pillows behind me and curling my legs up to make room. Sebastian slid further onto the bed, sitting cross-legged at my feet.
“I couldn’t wait,” he explained, excitedly. “I had to see you, to tell you.”
“Tell me what?” I whispered back. My heart began to pound hopefully in my throat.
“I was right about you helping me, Gracelynn. I’m starting to remember,” he pronounced.
I frowned in confusion. “Remember what?”
“Who I am.”
His words brought a flash of memory back to me. That day in the art room, it felt like it had been months ago, we had sat, discussing the terms of our friendship and he had said...
“You meant it literally,” I gasped as the realization hit me. “You really don’t remember who you are?” He nodded, smiling at me still in a way that was making me very aware that we were sitting on my bed and I wore only a somewhat skimpy set of silk pajamas. I self-consciously tugged my duvet higher.
“After spending the day with you, I decided to borrow some of your courage. I wanted to sleep, to face the nightmares again. But when I closed my eyes, they didn’t come,” he told me wonderingly. “I dreamt… normal dreams, dreams of you, dreams of others I’ve known, places I’ve been…” He trailed off, his voice growing distant as he remembered. “I only saw glimpses of my past but still – it’s starting to slowly come back to me and it’s all because of you.” His eyes were full of his own wonder as he gazed at me. His smile was gentle, his joy pure.
“Sebastian… how much of your life don’t you remember?” I asked, cautiously.
“I remember nothing before I came to Victoria,” he quickly responded. “I met the Jensons in the park; I’d been sleeping in our tree for some time then, though I’m not really sure for how long. It was growing cold and I didn’t want to sleep outside anymore; I was tired of being alone. I told them my name – it was all I could clearly remember. Miraculously, they took me in but as you’ve noticed y
ourself, things do seem to happen that way for me. That was almost two years ago.”
“But what about your real parents? Didn’t you have any ID? Why didn’t the Jensons call the police?”
“My parents died a long time ago – it’s one of the few things I’ve always remembered. There are other things too, things that I’ve always known no matter how much else I’ve forgotten. Strange things happen around me Gracelynn, and along with these things, fate also seems to twist and conspire to bring me what I want and sometimes what I need. I wanted a family, I needed the Jensons – people who would understand and not question – and so I found them. I’m not sure why… I think I used to know, used to understand more about myself… perhaps.” He spoke barely louder than a whisper now, his gaze fading from intense to distant and introspective. Once again, I couldn’t say why I believed him but I knew every word he spoke to be the absolute, unquestionable truth. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes, my thoughts clearing with each passing minute.
“But… if it works the way you say, then if you want to remember, why doesn’t it happen? Shouldn’t just wanting be enough?” In the dim early-morning light, I could just make out the slight crease between his brows as he considered my words.
“It should be but there have been times before when I haven’t gotten what I wanted,” he argued. “There are limits to my influence. I can’t cure the incurable, I can’t reverse death or time, I can’t save the world – I’m not a superhero. I’ve also noticed… I have to really want something for it to happen. If there’s even a shred of hesitation in me, it doesn’t seem to work. It’s funny, we don’t always want some things the way we think that we do. And we don’t always know our own desires.” His eyes met mine again as he spoke. I dropped my gaze to the smooth dark duvet cover beneath my hands . “So you see,” he continued, “there must be a part of me that doesn’t want to remember. Only I can’t remember why.” He chuckled softly to himself. I pressed my fingers against my temples, trying to wrap my thoughts around the absurdity of this conversation.
