Something flashed deep within her as Kitty stood watching the way Nathan’s nostrils flared when he was angry. She wondered, as she fought the turmoil churning within her, why Doc Musgrave was smiling. Perhaps he knew that she would never have such an order bestowed upon her by any man—not even the man she professed to love.
Did she want to marry Nathan? She was sure she loved him. But marriage? Sitting at home and making quilts while he marched off to war in glory? There was no glory in war. Poppa had said so. Maybe his spirit was dead now, but once it had lived, and it lived on in her. A woman had a right to pursue her own happiness in life, he had once told her. Why should she sit at home and do what other women did? Why did she have to copy someone else when she had a brain of her own? A will of her own? Nathan was seeking to destroy that will—just as the Vigilantes had destroyed her father’s spirit.
It came to her then, that the spirit could be crushed by someone in other ways besides the use of force. If Nathan really loved her, why wouldn’t he allow her to do whatever made her happy? She loved medicine. She loved helping sick people. And if war came, everything humanly possible must be done to help the wounded. There would be far too many women who would scream at the sight of blood and refuse to go near an injured soldier. Those who could bear it, especially those who had the training Kitty had, would be committing a mortal sin to refuse to do everything in their power to help those who needed them.
Both men were looking at her—Nathan with angry impatience, Doc with that funny little smile on his lips.
“Well, tell him, Kitty,” Nathan said finally.
“I will help you, Dr. Musgrave.” Her chin jutting upward, the way it did whenever she meant to have her way. “You let me know when you need me, and you can count on me to be there.”
“Good girl,” he hugged her briefly, then turned to leave.
Screams and cheers arose from outside in the streets. Guns were being fired from pistols and rifles, and the band struck up the surging melody of “Dixie”. It was as though everyone had suddenly gone mad—delirious with joy.
The clerk rushed by Kitty and Nathan as they stood staring silently at each other, their faces showing both anger and determination. Neither was about to bend to the will of the other.
“They just got word! They just heard from Charleston!” The clerk was dancing in circles and waving his arms in the air, almost hysterical. “The Confederates ran them out. The Yankees gave up! Fort Sumter surrendered!”
Outside, the sounds of merriment grew louder as the people began dancing in the streets and guns exploded repeatedly. Men sailed their hats in the air, whooping and shouting, and the band kept playing “Dixie” over and over again. The whistle of a train at the depot began to scream blast after blast to finish splitting the air about them.
“I think,” Nathan spoke finally, each word carefully delivered, “that we no longer belong here, Kitty. Shall we step outside and join the others?”
Chapter Ten
With John Wright no longer in touch with reality, Kitty had to depend on passersby to tell her the latest developments h the impending war. Two weeks had passed since Nathan brought her home from town, both of them too angry to even say goodbye, and she had not seen nor heard from him since.
It doesn’t matter, she told herself as she bent over the rows of freshly turned earth to drop in the seeds for the beans. Nathan doesn’t really love me, or he’d accept me for the way I am. He’d understand why I can’t sit back on my bottom and tat and sew and pretend I’m ladylike and refined.
“I’m me!” she said out loud, and Jacob, a few yards ahead digging at the ground with a hoe, turned to look at her in surprise.
“You say somethin’ to me, Miss Kitty?”
It was hot. She wiped at the perspiration on her face with the back of her hand, straightening a moment to stretch weary, tight muscles in her aching back. “No, Jacob. I’m just talking to myself. All this work in the hot sun is making me tetched, I guess. Don’t pay any mind to me.”
“A lotta work for nothin’, if you ask me,” he mumbled, chopping into the ground with almost a vengeance. “We ain’t doin’ nothin’ but plantin’ beans for the Yankees!”
Kitty had to laugh, in spite of her weariness. Jacob’s lower lip was jutting out in a pout, and she knew he really believed in what he was saying. “Oh, Jacob, you mustn’t think like that. Everyone says that when the war comes it will be over quickly. The Yankees won’t come this far south. They’ll be whipped soundly way up north somewhere. I doubt that we’ll hear even a gun fire.”
“No, that ain’t so.” He turned quickly, waving the hoe in the air excitedly. “Your pappy an’ me, we talked a lot before he got sick, and he used to tell me how the Southern folks was gonna get fooled if they thought war wouldn’t spread over all the land, and ever’body’d be hurt by it!”
She stared toward the back porch where her father sat, his dog at his feet, looking out across the field at nothing In particular. The shell of a man now. As empty as a hound-sucked egg, she thought bitterly.
“There’s the doc,” Jacob pointed with the hoe, and Kitty looked up to see Doc Musgrave riding toward them. Was he going to ask her to go with him to see a patient, she wondered, hoping that he wasn’t. The planting just had to get done, and Lena would certainly never set foot in a field to do any work. She seldom did anything these days, anyway, except sip from the jug she kept hidden that she thought Kitty didn’t know anything about.
The doctor greeted them, swinging off his horse. “I came by to tell you the latest developments. I didn’t know whether or not you had heard about President Lincoln issuing a call to the governor for troops from North Carolina.”
“Oh, my God, no.” Her hand flew to her throat, and she swayed, caught herself, and stared at him incredulously. “You mean Lincoln actually asked for us to send troops to help the Yankees?”
Nodding solemnly, he went on, “The Governor wired him back and told him he’d get no troops from North Carolina. Lincoln had asked for two regiments—and he also called for troops from all over—75,000 men in all, they say. Says he’s going to put down what he calls the ‘Southern insurrection’.” He snorted contemptuously.
“Then what happened?” Kitty sensed this was only the beginning of Doc’s news.
“Well, on the same day Lincoln called for troops, Governor Ellis ordered men into Forts Caswell, Johnston, and Macon. The news I hear is that he’s also sending troops into that arsenal down at Fayetteville and to the United States Mint up at Charlotte.”
“It sounds bad, doesn’t it?”
“If you don’t want war, it does, but I, for one, am ready, so we can get it over with and go back to peaceful living, if that’s possible, anymore.”
“Doc, just how long do you think it’s going to be before we go to war?”
“Honey, you might as well say we’re at war already. Fort Sumter’s been taken. All over the country, young men are rushing to take sides. Virginia pulled out about ten days ago…”
“Oh, no.” She shook her head, then decided there was no point in wishing anymore that a miracle would happen and there would be no war. Whatever happened next, at least the years of drift and indecision would be over. “I wish you had come by and told me about all this sooner, Doc. I’ve just been so busy with the planting that I haven’t had time to ride into town, and no one stops by much, the way Poppa is and all,” her voice trailed away, eyes once more staring toward the silent creature on the porch.
Jacob, having picked up a little bit of war gossip, dropped his hoe and went running as fast as his aging legs would carry him, off to find Fanny and spread the news.
“Do you think he’ll ever get any better?” Kitty asked, still staring at her father.
He followed her gaze. “Who can say, honey? Doctors treat the body, not the spirit. We only see the physical injuries, not the ones that scar the mind and wrench the soul. Only John, those Vigilantes, and God, Himself, know what agony your daddy suffered tha
t night.”
Blinking back the tears that seemed to spring so easily since that last day with Nathan, she asked, “Have you seen Nathan, Doc? Has he joined up?”
“He’s training with the Wayne Volunteers. They’re getting ready to go like everyone else. Aaron Collins bought all of them brand-new Enfield muskets. They say that gun is accurate as far away as eight hundred yards, and some say it’ll shoot even farther. Real fancy, they are. Even have bayonets. It’s a breech-loader, weighs about nine pounds. He bought them all fancy uniforms, too, and boots.”
He saw that she wasn’t interested in all the little details. “It’s Nathan himself you want to hear about, isn’t it?” he asked sympathetically. She only nodded, and he sighed. “Well, he’s brooding. I’ve heard several speak about the way he’s acting. He loves you, Kitty. I brought both of you into the world and watched you grow up and I reckon I knew you two were in love before you did. But you’re stubborn, and so is he when it comes to his notions about how a woman is supposed to be. And until the two of you can make some changes, you’re never going to get together.”
“Well, there’s no need in even worrying about that now, is there?” She tried to smile, but she couldn’t fool Doc. “I guess the best thing to do is get on with the war.”
“Have you told Lena about your joining up with me at the hospital?”
“No, and I won’t till the last possible moment. She doesn’t like being around Poppa at all now. She says he’s spooky, and he makes her nervous. But she’ll have to look after him when I go. I hate leaving him in her hands, the way she is, drinking more and more every day when she thinks no one knows, but it’s what he would want. He’d want me to do what I thought was right…to do my part.”
They looked at each other. Kitty shrugged. “Just let me know when I’m needed. I’ll be ready.”
Chapter Eleven
It was a Monday, May 20th, 1861. Kitty had just finished scrubbing the week’s wash and spreading the garments along the fence to dry in the midafternoon sunshine.
She paused to look out at the woods, where the last of the flowering crab trees were bursting their buds and rioting in color from soft white to delicate, deepest pink. In the pine straw beneath the tall trees, the sunshine made dancing patterns. She took a deep breath, filling herself with the sweet fragrance of the wild honeysuckle. It was a glorious clay, and she wished she could capture it and keep it inside of her for always and always.
She thought of Nathan, the love she felt for him. Why did life have to be so complicated. If the war had not come, they would have married, and she would have given up her dreams of being anything but his wife. This, she was sure of.
She had that sick feeling again, the one that lurched in the pit of her stomach and bubbled up to lodge and choke in her throat whenever she thought about the possibility of Nathan getting killed. She would never know the joy of lying in his arms each night, thrilling to his lovemaking, knowing the fulfillment of bearing his child. Why, oh, why, had she been so foolish, she cursed herself. What was more important—being the wife of the man she loved or traipsing off to some hospital to help wounded soldiers?
Instantly she was contrite. She could not turn her back on her countrymen, and Nathan was wrong to expect her to do so merely because he had been raised to place a woman upon a pedestal and keep her there. She hadn’t asked to be put there, nor would she allow herself to be. There had to be a distinct, individual place for her in the world, despite the way tradition ruled that a woman was born into one particular little niche, and she was to keep herself there in silence, thinking of no other life. She would have no part of it—even if it meant she had lost Nathan forever! She was being foolish to have any regrets.
She felt somewhat better after moments of wrestling with her churning emotions. As she turned to walk toward the back porch where her father sat staring, as usual, into nothingness, she recognized the great black stallion that belonged to Nathan.
Don’t run, she told her shaking legs. Don’t you dare rum and make a fool of me. Walk slowly as though it doesn’t matter whether you ever see him again or not.
And her legs obeyed. Slowly she had walked to the porch and by the time she got there, Nathan had dismounted and stood waiting. There was no mistaking the way his eyes were shining at the sight of her. She only hoped that she was controlling herself better, hiding her eagerness. He wanted her to be like other women, didn’t he? Well, she could be coy and pretend indifference.
“Hello, Nathan.” She sat down on the steps primly. “What brings you out here?”
He took a deep breath, then jerked his head suddenly toward John as he whispered, “Can he hear me?”
“He isn’t deaf,” she snapped.
“I didn’t mean that,” he apologized. “I mean…does he know what people say around him? I don’t want to upset him.”
She glanced at her father. His right eye, his only remaining eye, was expressionless, glassy in its detachment from the world around him. “He hasn’t spoken in weeks. I doubt he would understand anything you say, Nathan. Go ahead. Why are you here?”
“Kitty…” He faltered.
She could tell he was very excited about something, and his dawdling in sharing the news with her was becoming frustrating. “Nathan! Will you just tell me what you’ve come to say, please? I’m very busy.”
“Kitty, I’ve just come from town. The telegraph office just got the message.” His eyes were glowing, his voice quivering, his whole body shaking with eagerness. “Kitty, today North Carolina seceded from the union. We’re going to war!”
Once he began talking, there was no stopping him. He exulted over the war preparations made thus far. He told her that a bill had been passed authorizing the counties of North Carolina to make subscriptions for the purpose of arming and equipping volunteers, and that Governor Ellis announced he wanted ten regiments of State troops and fifty thousand volunteers. The State troops would serve for as long as the war lasted, which everyone said wouldn’t be but for a few months anyway, and the volunteers were to serve for a year.
“They’ve even passed a five-million-dollar bond issue to meet expenses,” he gushed on. “Isn’t it wonderful, Kitty? The people were so divided on the war issue, but now that we’ve seceded, the whole state is rallying behind the cause. We’re united.”
A chair creaked. They turned to see John getting to his feet very slowly. The expression on his face did not change. Shuffling along, he moved across the porch and into the house.
“That’s strange,” Kitty said, watching him disappear through the doorway. “He never budges from that chair until time to eat, and it’s several hours till supper.”
“Kitty, I can’t wait for you to see our troop. Father had our uniforms specially made. Ride with me now to the house. There’s going to be a big party tonight, and we’re going to march and show off our uniforms and Enfield muskets.”
She raised an eyebrow. “Why do you want me to come, Nathan? I think we had an understanding at the jewelry store a few weeks ago, didn’t we? An agreement, silently, that we just aren’t meant for each other? We each want something different out of life.”
He reached out for her, and she did not pull away. “I want you to listen to me, Kitty Wright. I happen to love you more than anything in the world, but I have certain beliefs just as you do. We’re both stubborn. But we also love each other. Right now, there’s a war to be fought—and won, and when it’s over, we can settle our own personal war between us. Are you willing?”
With a singing heart, she nodded happily. It wasn’t over for them! He loved her as she loved him, and that’s the way it was, and together they’d work out their problems. It was wonderful, and she threw herself against him to kiss him deeply…deliciously.
He pulled away, touching his teeth to his lower lip thoughtfully.
“What is it?” she asked fearfully. He looked so worried, his eyes shadowy.
“Kitty, I want to marry you before I leave, but…”
> “I know.” She nodded. “You don’t want me to be a nurse, but Nathan, it’s my war, too, and I have to do my part.”
“No, no, it isn’t that anymore.” He waved his hand, dismissing that particular fear for her. “Do you remember my telling you about a man named Jefferson Davis being inaugurated in February as Provisional President of the Confederate States of America in a place called Montgomery, Alabama?”
She nodded. What did that have to do with their getting married if he no longer minded her being a nurse?
“The capital is being moved to Richmond, Virginia, and troops are being sent there to defend it. That’s very close to Washington, so it’s important to get as many men there as possible—as quickly as they can get there.”
She was bewildered. “I don’t understand…”
“Kitty, the Wayne Volunteers are being sent to Virginia just as soon as we can get our gear together and move out. We plan to leave this Sunday by train from Goldsboro. There’s no time for us to be married, not the way I want us to be.”
She understood.
“You’ll be home soon.” She hoped the smile that she forced upon her face was convincing. “I’ll be planning a wedding. You can count on it.”
He moved to kiss her again, but the sound of the back door opening made them spring apart. John was shuffling out, but instead of returning to his chair, he was moving down the steps very slowly.
And he was carrying a knapsack—and his old musket.
Kitty sprang away from Nathan’s arms which were still around her. “Poppa, where are you going with that gun?” She started after him, with Nathan right behind her.
“Katherine, where’s your father going?” Lena stepped out of the house, swaying against the porch railing.
“Mother, go back inside.” Kitty hated for Nathan to see her mother this way. She’d obviously been drinking the whole day. “I’ll handle this.”
“The old fool…” her voice slurred. “He needs to be put away someplace, so’s he won’t hurt himself…or hurt other people. He has no business with that gun. Nathan! You go take that gun away from that old fool before he shoots somebody. I mean it.”
Love and War: The Coltrane Saga, Book 1 Page 12
