by L. B. Dunbar
I stare back at him, the sweet sentiment filling me while my lungs struggle to work.
“That’s what I want, Roxie. I want you to be the last woman I take to my bed because you’re the first person I think of when I climb into that bed alone each night. I told you a few weeks back. You’ve broken me. I don’t want to move forward without you, Roxanne.”
The words are too much for me to process. I don’t know what to say. I’m still raw and now confused. Our eyes hold each other’s.
Could he mean it? Can I trust him?
He wants me. Forever? I just don’t know that I can believe him so quickly, so easily, but I know one thing. Billy Harrington loves hard, and if he ever meant it toward me, nothing would hold him back. He’d be all in just as he was long ago with Rachel. Like he is now with a different kind of love toward Sadie.
I take too long to respond to him. I don’t know how to respond to what he’s just said. His hand squeezes my nape, and while his touch heats me, the rest of me shivers.
“It’s cold out here. You should get your tree,” he says, releasing me, which allows the chill to seep into my bones. I tremble with the loss of his heat, and then he turns on his heels and walks away. Staring at his back, I watch his shoulders slump forward, and his hands tuck in his pockets, and my heart feels like it’s been hacked at like the base of the tree Sadie and I just chopped down. With heavy feet, I follow him, taking my time to keep the distance between us.
When we near the warming house and the check-out area for the tree, Billy walks up to Sadie and drags her to him for a kiss at her temple. He pauses and says something to her, and her eyes leap over to me. Her brows pinch, and her expression shifts. Sadness fills her face, which appeared to be brightening over the past few weeks. She’d been working with Billy and spending time with Elaina practicing the piano. She smiled more and wore less makeup. I thought the old Sadie was slowly re-emerging, but one look at me, and I see her face fall. The familiar melancholy returns.
And for once, I only have myself to blame.
39
Christmas confessions
[Roxanne]
“Why aren’t you dressed?” Sadie says to me as she enters the kitchen midmorning on Christmas. We’ve already shared presents and made a big breakfast with festive music playing in the background. It’s been a good morning, and I’m content with how things have gone.
I look down at my jeans and red sweatshirt, and then glance back at Sadie dressed in head-to-toe black again. Dress, Converse, choker necklace. However, her makeup is softer, and her eyes not so haunted. The Harringtons have been good for her.
“I am dressed,” I say to her, examining her blank expression.
“Billy’s going to be here soon to pick us up.”
My shoulders fall, and I glance away from her before I speak. “I’m not going to the Harringtons for Christmas.”
I hadn’t planned to attend. She needed this time with them. When Sadie doesn’t respond, I turn back to her. “This is a time for you to enjoy them. Celebrate. With your family.” I try to keep my voice steady as I speak, encouraging her to embrace them when I’m having trouble embracing the future reality. Sadie will not live with me.
“You’re my family, too, and I want you to be there,” Sadie whines, and I have so many responses to her plea. Then why did she do this? Why did she ask for him? But being the adult I should be, I don’t ask. She made a decision with her sixteen-year-old wisdom, and I plan to abide by it. There’s no sense in arguing with her.
“I can’t do it, Sadie. I’m sorry.” Sadie’s aware that Billy and I haven’t spoken. Whatever he said to her at the Christmas tree farm, she hasn’t mentioned any attempts to communicate with him again. It’s like the two of them have a secret, and I’m the outsider looking in.
“Do you no longer like him?” Her voice squeaks, panicked.
“It isn’t a matter of liking him or not. He’s your father. We’ll make the best of things because of it.”
“But I thought you were falling in love with him.”
My eyes momentarily close as I grip the back of the chair in my kitchen. “Sadie,” I drone. We went over this a few weeks back. Things got too complicated and messed up, and it’s best to let them be.
“Whatever I was feeling for him, I…I just… Sadie. I’m sorry. I don’t want to play nice and pretend for his family. He apologized, and I accept that he didn’t mean to hurt me, not like he did, but I don’t know how to go back.”
“You just do,” she says, her voice rising in frustration and more panic. “If I could go back, I would. I can’t. You can.” It takes a minute for her words to sink in, the weight of her mother’s loss hitting me.
“Sadie.” The name is a plea and apology and frustration rolled into one.
“I thought it would work,” she whispers. Her eyes close, and I stare at her.
Confused by her words, I ask, “What would work?”
“If I picked Billy, I thought we’d be together. All three of us could live together.”
I stare at my niece, eyes unblinking as I try to process what she’s said.
“You…you planned this?” I’m not accusing her but questioning. “Sadie, it doesn’t work this way.”
“I know. I just thought if I made the decision and picked Billy, you would follow. He’ll let you live with us.”
Oh my God. “Sadie.” I state her name with exasperation and a chuckle without humor. “That’s not how these things happen.”
“But they could,” she retorts.
“But they don’t.” We stare at one another, a standoff of wills.
A sharp rap on the backdoor startles us both, and I jump. Sadie walks around me and answers it, and I take a deep breath as I prepare to see Billy. Only, the breath I took catches, and I choke when I see him in dress pants and a nice shirt wearing a long camel-colored jacket and a scarf. He looks formal and serious and delicious.
“Hey,” he says, stepping inside and ducking his head.
“Merry Christmas, Billy,” I offer with a weak smile as I still struggle with what Sadie has done.
“Merry Christmas.” His response comes with the surprise I’ve spoken to him. Then his eyes roam down my body, and heat crawls upward from his gaze. “Are you ready?”
“I’m…” I look back and forth between him and Sadie. “I’m not going.”
His brows rise as he glances at Sadie. A quick eye-conversation ensues between them, and I feel like an intruder in my own home.
“I just need my bag,” Sadie says and turns for the hall. Billy and I stand in awkward silence for a second before he clears his throat.
“I really hoped you’d come to my family’s house for the holiday. I don’t like you being alone.” The corner of my mouth crooks a little in hopes to reassure him.
“I don’t plan to be alone today. I have plans,” I lie. My destination isn’t conventional.
“Oh.” His brows rise as he waits for more explanation, but I don’t offer details.
“Can we talk for a second?”
“Sure.” I pull out the kitchen chair, but Billy steps up to me.
“Maybe in your living room.”
My brows pinch, but I turn and lead him down the short hall. Our tree is decorated with homemade ornaments, as getting a tree was a last-minute project. I stop near the evergreen, and Billy stalks up to me, standing so close I can smell him. Cloves and spice and a touch of bayberry today. He smells like a Christmas gift I’ll never have.
“I’m really sorry about how things happened,” he begins, but I hold up a hand.
“Sadie told me what she did.”
His eyes widen, and then he scratches at his neck before resting a hand on his chin. “She told you her plan?”
My head tips, and for some reason, I’m skeptical whether the plan was solely Sadie’s idea. “Did you put her up to this?”
Billy smiles, the grin a bit mischievous. “Nope. She came up with it all on her own.” He shakes his head. �
�But I told her it wouldn’t work.”
“Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why wouldn’t it work?”
“Because you haven’t forgiven me yet, and maybe you never will. I’m struggling to forgive myself for pushing you away and wanting you back when I know you won’t easily come.” He steps forward, filling my space and lifting his hand for my neck. He holds and strokes at my nape. “I wanted you to hold onto me, and then I’m the one who pushed you away.”
My breath catches as my heart skips.
“Roxanne, do you remember when you told me you’d never live with a man again without a promise?”
“Yes.” I stare at him, eyes fixated on his as he ignores my question and asks his own.
Pulling something out of his pocket, he holds up the object with his fingers. “I was hoping you would come to my mother’s house so I could give you this, but seeing as you have plans, I’d like to leave it with you instead. If you are ever ready to accept my promise to never, ever hurt you again like I did, I’ll be right across the street waiting. Where I’m ready to promise you more.”
My eyes drift to the square red box with a white bow on the top, and I’m wondering for only a second what’s taking Sadie so long to return with her bag.
“What’s this?”
“The promise you wanted before you could live with another man.” He lifts the box higher until I reach for it. “I don’t want to pressure you, but part of the plan was Sadie hoped you’d live with us. You and me and Sadie in one house. My house and I’d make it as much yours as you’d like.”
My eyes fixate on the box, leap to his, and then return to the present. He can’t possibly be asking me to marry him. That’s not what he’s saying, and I know he would never make such a jump from where we are. Hesitantly, I take the box from him and tip the lid. Inside is a silver band entwined with a silver band of chip diamonds. I stare at the item before looking up at Billy, whose eyes focus on the ring.
“I don’t understand.” I honestly don’t know what he’s asking or what this represents, but my heart screams for me to say yes to him. A thousand yeses.
“It’s a promise ring. A promise to be true to you and faithful to Sadie. There are sixteen diamonds representing her age. The two bands are us, forever entwined together because of her. I’d never break you apart. I don’t want to be apart from you. I want us to start over somehow, someway, when you’re ready.” His eyes slowly lift to mine. “I love you, Roxanne. I don’t want to live without you.”
My breath hitches. Words escape me, and I take too long to respond because Sadie finally enters the living room.
“I’m ready,” she says, but I can’t take my eyes off Billy, who isn’t looking away from me.
“You don’t need to answer right away,” he finally says. “Think about it, Roxie. Take all the time you need, but there’s room at my place for all of us. And room in my heart for only you.” He steps forward and corner kisses my lip like he did that first night, lingering at the crease where they join and then slowly pulling away. “Merry Christmas, Roxanne.”
I still don’t speak, standing in the living room with the box in my hand and a ring of promises. I don’t even blink, and then I see him step back as if waiting on an answer. Another step backward and his eyes haven’t left mine. One more step and then he tips his chin and spins on his dress shoe heel. He walks to Sadie, who has been watching both of us.
“Ready, honey?”
“Ready, Dad.” Her eyes observe me a second longer, and then she adds, “Are you sure you don’t want to come with us?”
I’m not certain of anything at that moment, but my mouth finally opens as I watch father and daughter stand together.
“Go without me, baby. Merry Christmas.”
+ + +
As I stand on the solid earth, packed down over the months, I stare at the minimal stone laid next to my mother’s.
“Hey, Trixie,” I say, eyes flooding with liquid, and her full name blurs. The dates disappear as well. My sister was only in her mid-forties. Too young to pass. Too soon to leave this earth.
“I messed up.” I choke on the words and swallow the thickness in my throat. “I messed up so badly.”
I sniff as I try to find the words to explain myself to my sister, hoping her spirit hears me.
“I thought she didn’t choose me, but all she wants is a family.”
Tears fall in earnest, and I swipe at my cheeks. “I thought I failed you, but you messed up, too. You were upset when you found out you were pregnant and so unsure of the future. You thought you could do it on your own, but you never did. I was there for you. You should have told him. It could have been more than a crush and just sex. He’s so much more, Trixie, and you weren’t fair to him.”
I swallow as I sardonically chuckle. “I slept with him, too.” I blink back the tears and stare up at the winter sky overhead. “I slept with him because I had a crush on him as well, but it has turned into so much more for me, and my heart feels like it’s been ripped into a million pieces. I don’t know what to do. He wants me to live with him. With both of them. He’s a good man. Romantic. Loving. God, he loves so hard, Trixie. And he’s directing that love at me.”
I glance back at the grave where my sister eternally rests.
“I love him. I love them both. Thank you for trusting her with me.”
Tears fall heavier as I confess to my dead sister how much I love the man she never knew and the daughter she’s lost through no fault of her own.
I haven’t been paying attention to Billy. Not the right attention. I’ve missed the signs he tried to hold up for me to read. The ones that screamed his vulnerability, yet he opened up to me. He didn’t hold back. I’m the one who tried to play casual and misinterpreted everything about him.
He loves me, and he told me in all the little ways.
You’re breaking me.
I don’t think I can do this without you.
I made love to you.
I want you to be my last.
And then he gave me that heartfelt explanation from his grandfather. It doesn’t matter who Billy had first, or how or where or why, because he has me last.
Forever.
And now I just need to prove it to him.
40
Resolutions
[Billy]
“Boss, someone wants to see you,” Clyde says, his big body filling the door to my office.
It’s New Year’s Eve, and the pub is packed. Both the main floor and the second-floor party room are full. It seems like every member of Blue Ridge has come out tonight to celebrate the beginning of a new year, but I’m taking a second for myself in my office. It’s been a long evening, and there’s still an hour to go before midnight.
Sadie spent Christmas with me and my family, but it wasn’t the same without Roxanne. There was a hole in my heart that only she could fill. When I returned Sadie to the apartment, Roxie wasn’t present. I should be grateful she didn’t throw my gift back at me, but her eyes still spoke of uncertainty. She’s never going to trust me again, and she also hasn’t spoken to me since that day. I laid it all out for her and…nothing.
“Yeah, who wants to see me?”
“Some woman at the bar,” Clyde says. His voice is a bit too tight and high with this announcement, almost like he’s trying to contain a chuckle, but I don’t find anything humorous about his statement.
“I have no interest in some random woman at the bar.” I huff, scrubbing my knuckles up my neck. Roxie’s the only woman I want.
“She said something about a noise complaint. The music’s too loud and—”
“Are you shitting me?” I say, slapping my hand on the desk before standing. What in tarnation? “It’s New Year’s Eve. Who the hell complains about noise on New Year’s? Who complains about the noise in general? We’re a bar, and we…”
I pause as Clyde’s smile grows, and my mouth falls agape as two hands cover his large bicep and push him aside.
“You’re a bar, and you make a lot of noise over here.”
“Roxanne?” I choke on her name.
“I want to file a complaint with the owner. Noise violation.”
Those silver eyes sparkle like the confetti ready to explode at midnight, and I swipe a hand through my hair.
“A noise violation, huh?”
“I’ll just…” Clyde points with both thumbs toward the hall and then offers me two thumbs-up as he steps back. He’s such a goof. He reaches for the door and pulls it closed, leaving Roxie and me within my office.
“Yes, a noise violation,” Roxie states, drawing me back to her.
“You know, complaining about loud music only proves you don’t know how to have fun.”
“I know,” she says, surprising me. “I have other things to disprove as well.” Her hand lifts for her throat and cups her neck. She’s wearing a black dress with a velvet jacket in silver over it. The color enhances her eyes.
“Like what?” I ask, still standing behind my desk, my heart racing in my chest.
“Like I’m sorry. I thought you’d want to keep things casual, so I tried to do that, and I messed it all up.”
“Roxie.” My voice lowers. Her fingers tap along her throat, and my mouth waters to kiss her there.
“I couldn’t keep it casual, so I pushed, maybe a little too hard. Lashing out is what we do, but I don’t want to lash out any longer. You broke me by what happened with Sadie.”
“I know. I’m sorry, I—”
“William,” she interjects, holding up the hand from her throat, the back of it waving at me. “Let me speak.”
She says something next, but I don’t hear a word as my eyes are fixated on the silver gleam coming off her left ring finger.
“You’re wearing the ring,” I interject again, pointing a finger at her.
“That’s what I’m trying to tell you,” she snaps without much bite. I round the desk, stalking up before her. My eyes still fixated on her finger as she returns her hand to her throat. “I’m trying to say I’d like to take your promise and offer one of my own.”
