Rob knew he’d never make the kind of money Nick earned, but between Rebecca and him, perhaps they could manage it: the house payment, the credit card bill, and the newest payments on her great beast of a vehicle. Maybe together, they could make it real.
He wanted to sit down and ponder all the implications of what he was thinking. He wanted big things and words, like love and forever, with Rebecca. And not just Rebecca, but her girls too.
He loved them, all of them. Individually and together, he loved them. The knowledge of that punched him in the heart. Now he could offer Rebecca something besides disappointment, apologies and hardships. With this job, he could give Rebecca a normal life. A life he never lived before. Now, perhaps he could finally be something besides Rob Williams, recovering alcoholic and constructor of failure.
****
Rob was just about to leave for Rebecca’s house when his doorbell rang. Spencer stood there with an expression resembling the Grim Reaper. What was his problem? Rob didn’t feel like dealing with it. He was… happy. It was such a rare feeling that he wanted nothing more than to share it with Rebecca.
“You have a minute?”
Rob glanced at his watch. “Only five. Rebecca’s making dinner. And it takes over an hour to get there.”
“That doesn’t bother you? The commute?”
“Turns out, she’s a good cook.”
Spencer smiled. “Among other things, huh?”
Rob hung his head, smiling. “Among other things. What do you need?”
“Erica and I were talking.”
“About what? You finally ready to forget your hang-ups about being a dad, and decided to go for it?”
Spencer shook head. “Actually, just the opposite. This would postpone almost everything else for awhile.”
“What would?”
“I think I was wrong. I think we need to give Zenith one more try. Sink or swim. Do or die. One more try.”
Rob felt as if he’d been kicked in the gut. He was so stunned by Spencer’s suggestion, he stepped back in shock. “What the hell are you talking about? We’re done. We already decided that.”
“We’re not. I was scared. I was feeling happy and comfortable for once. I was just afraid of disrupting that. But I do want one more thing. I want Zenith.”
“Well, I don’t. You fucking made your decision, and now, so have I,” Rob said, pacing suddenly, his suppressed energy fueling him.
“If you’re so done with it, why are you suddenly upset? Come on, man, you know as well as I do, we have to finish this. We’ll never get over it if we don’t. We’ll always wonder what might have been.”
“Easy for you to say! If you fail, you just go back to your rich, doctor wife and find some other hobby to amuse you in your retirement.”
“That’s not fair, I don’t want to amuse myself.”
“I know. But you don’t have anything to lose if it doesn’t work. You sure ain’t gonna starve or lose the house.”
“Yeah. You’re right. For once, we’re at different places in our lives. But maybe that’s why we can do it right this time. No fucking around, no alcohol, no drugs, and no stupid women. Just us and the music. This time, we won’t assume we’ll get there. We’ll have to work for it.”
Rob couldn’t deny the itch, the constant, insatiable desire to play music. He could hear the notes sometimes in his guts, and imagine the tune in his voice. He could envision the dream.
“Things are different for me too this time. I love Rebecca. And I have a chance to get into the Carpenters Union, where I could make a real living for once. I can do this. I can succeed for once. Maybe years ago, if I had just bought a little house for Joelle, and gone to work at Boeing or the local supermarket, maybe I wouldn’t have ended up in rehab. Or been so stoned that I lost two years of my life! Maybe I wouldn’t have lost everything. I have a chance now, a real chance for the first time in years, to make a living. Make it into something real. And now you want me to give that up for what? A dream? A ghost? A chance? On a shaky bet that it won’t all go to shit again? Or that I won’t start drinking again? No. I don’t need that shit. Get out of my way, Spencer, I’m late for Rebecca’s.”
Rob started down his hallway, banging the wall in anger as he went by. Spencer’s voice, quiet and solemn, however stopped him dead. “It was her idea, Rob. It was Rebecca’s idea.”
He turned towards his best friend.
“It was. It was Rebecca’s idea. She put the thought in my head a few weeks ago, when we played together. And it felt like I was finally back where I belonged. Tell me you don’t agree. She saw it. She was right; we won’t be happy until we finish this.”
“Fuck you, Spencer. Stay out of it. Let me have something good for once in my life, okay? Would you let me just be happy for once in my goddamned, pathetic life?”
Rob jumped on his bike and broke every speed law there was in his hurry to escape the city, and get away from Spencer, as well as the thoughts now swirling in his head. The ghosts that always chased him were back. The opportunities he missed, or screwed up. He sped as fast as he could to get away from Zenith and closer to Rebecca. All those things he once thought he wanted and lost, weren’t there anymore waiting for him. Not after what he did to destroy them, and after all this time, they couldn’t possibly still be awaiting him. There was no way.
What now awaited him was the woman who lifted his heart and calmed his mind without asking for anything in return. He couldn’t wait to tell Rebecca about the promotion and the first chance for him to validate his existence. He intended to ask her to start thinking of them as a real couple. And make it official. He wanted to spend his life with her. Forget Nick; forget Doug; forget all their mistakes. He wanted to start new. Together. Rebecca, the girls and him.
He could do it too. He could commit and work like a normal man: getting up early, and going to work, just to support his family. He knew Rebecca couldn’t move the girls around. He could solve that too, live out there with them, in the country, even if it was in the middle of nowhere. The funny thing was, Rebecca’s house no longer seemed like it was nowhere anymore. It felt like somewhere he belonged. It felt like it might be the final destination in the journey of his entire life.
He liked the house and could get used to the quiet, the space, and the trees. Even the commute. The really, really long commute. That was a small price to pay. They could both work. Rebecca could continue writing, and maybe she could even make something of it. She wouldn’t have to compromise so much of her time because he could help her. He could help her raise the girls, and run their lives, and be a family.
Why the hell did Spencer have to come out tonight, of all nights, with his grand gesture? Did Spencer decide to emerge from his love haze and… what? Give him another chance? So what? Now he should drop everything he finally attained for that? A chance? Rebecca’s idea? What the hell was Spencer talking about?
Rob’s smile in greeting her died when Rebecca answered the door and he saw her eyes. There was a story there. Joelle gave him a similar broken-hearted look, years ago, when she first told him about Nick Lassiter. His hearted plummeted, and reality, as always, crashed down around him, shattering his stupid fantasies of spending his life with Rebecca and the girls. This time, Rob felt pretty sure that Rebecca didn’t intend to leave her husband for her boyfriend. He was pretty sure she planned to leave her boyfriend and go back to her husband.
****
She pulled him into her house and held him against her long and hard. Holding his hands in hers, she pressed her face against his chest. She almost started crying, but shut her eyes, and held them back, just as she did for months in front of her daughters when Doug first left.
They were soon interrupted by her girls, who were all in the kitchen when they spotted Rob. All three clambered after him, even Kayla. Ever since the night at Rob’s house, she couldn’t say enough about how cool Rob was. She even regarded Rebecca differently for being with someone who was so cool.
Rebe
cca let them surround Rob, dragging him into the kitchen, as dinner was almost ready to be served. She set the table and finished the last of the salad greens before checking the oven-baked chicken, just as the timer went off. After pulling it out, she dished up portions of the chicken, and the vegetables that cooked beside it. She felt Rob’s eyes on hers and saw the questions in his gaze, despite his casual interactions and chatting with the girls. For once, she was thrilled the girls hogged him so she and Rob couldn’t get time alone. She wasn’t ready yet.
Too soon, the girls were yawning to go to bed, despite her letting them stay up later. She had to put them to bed, a now familiar routine with Rob there. He hung back as usual, but came in and read to the younger girls before kissing them, and saying goodnight to Kayla. Then all was quiet, and their doors were shut, depriving the hallway of the distractions the kids usually made. It was just the two of them, staring at each other in the sconce lighting of her hallway.
Without speaking, they went downstairs, and Rob went out on the porch, no doubt in need of a cigarette. It was cool and cloudy outside, and the November air made it a little chilly. He lit up a cigarette he snagged from his leather jacket. She sat down behind him on the bench. With his back toward her, his profile was silhouetted by the porch light.
“When did he call?” Rob asked, after taking a long drag off the cigarette, and staring hard into the night. He finally asked what he already seemed to sense. Or know. He could read everything about her.
“Last night. Doug called last night.”
“And?”
“And he asked me if he could come home.”
“And you said yes.”
“I told him to fuck off.”
Rob turned, looking startled. Then he shook his head. “Then you looked at your daughters, and you called him back. You heard him out, as the responsible thing to do and the right thing to do. The way you do everything else in your life.”
She dropped her head, and more tears started in her eyes. “I hate him. For what he did to my girls and me. I don’t love him anymore. But he said he had some kind of epiphany. He regrets what he did now. To me and the girls.”
“His daughters.”
“Yes. His daughters. He wants to come home and make it up to them.”
“And you.”
She tightened her fingers into a fist. “He can’t. He can’t make that up to me.”
“You saw Kayla four weeks ago; that was only four weeks ago. You know as well as I do, if there’s any chance that Doug Randall can make it up to your daughters for leaving them, it will undoubtedly change the future for all of them. It will make everything better,” Rob said, and his tone was so quiet, her heart felt like it was breaking.
She didn’t reply for a long while. He finished the cigarette, started another, and puffed his way through it as if his nerves made it impossible for him to stop. She stared, unseeing, over her yard.
Rob finally spoke. “I had a shit for a dad. It messed me up. I know how much it can screw kids up. Those girls don’t deserve that, not if it can be fixed.”
“I don’t want Doug back. I want you.”
“If you had asked me a month ago, I’d have told you to tell Doug to go fuck himself. But that was before I…”
“You what, Rob?”
“Wanted what was the best for them. That isn’t me.”
She jumped to her feet. He moved and threw the cigarette down into the grass.
“After your dad died, Nick took care of you like a father, didn’t he?”
“Still does,” she said quietly.
Rob shook his head. “I know. I mean I know that now. I should have respected it more. From the start. He did the same for Joelle, when I didn’t. I’m sorry.”
“Rob, this isn’t about what you did or didn’t do…”
“Yeah, it is. It’s about what’s best for those girls. For you.”
“Not for me. If it was just you and me…”
“What, Rebecca? I’d be what’s best for you? I’m a recovering drunk. I’m a man who causes everyone to question your sanity and common sense. Did you really think we could go anywhere? We can’t ever go anywhere because it was never just the two of us. There was always Nick, Joelle, Doug, your kids, you, and me. We are as contrary as it gets.”
“That’s not true. We were…”
“What, Rebecca? A good time? Yeah, that’s what we’ve been having.”
He threw another cigarette onto her lawn. His words were intended to be harsh and off putting. But this time, judging by the absence of heat in his words, and the look on his face, she knew exactly what he was doing: giving her up. Not for Doug, or in order to have freedom. He was giving her up for the well being of her young daughters. Tears filled her eyes, and her heart fractured.
He stared deeply into her eyes before turning and heading down her steps. He began pacing, like a lit firecracker, she couldn’t hang onto.
“Rob, wait,” she called after him, running down her steps to the gravel walkway. “I haven’t decided anything yet. Nothing. I don’t even know what I’m going to tell Doug. Or if I will allow him back here. Just wait a second.”
“Wait for what? Shit, it was only a matter of time for us. It was a good ride; let it go. Go put your family back together again. You owe those girls that; and you owe me nothing. Besides, Spencer asked me to start Zenith again, and I was going to tell you that tonight. I’ll be leaving. So, see? The timing was fucking perfect. Just about the only thing that’s ever been perfect between you and me.”
She stayed back a second, almost believing his casual goodbye. Then she saw his eyes that were so full of unshed tears and matched her own. She thought of all the unsaid things, unstated desires, undeclared love. Love he could have had for her. And her daughters. And the life they almost considered sharing together. The man she wanted more than she ever wanted anything in her life. He smiled and tenderly touched her cheek.
Then he turned and walked back to his bike, getting on it.
This time, she didn’t even try to stop him.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Rob left Rebecca’s house in much the same way as he did months ago, and his bike nearly pelted her with gravel. He drove faster than he did on the way to her house. Faster and more recklessly. Did he care if he smashed into a semi? Of course, he cared. But at least, it would keep him from doing anything stupid, like stopping at the next roadside tavern he passed. Or going to Bethany’s. Or worse still, going back to Rebecca’s.
He drove and drove, late into the night, until he finally circled around the city, and went downtown, to Seattle, to the building he supposed he’d been heading toward his entire life. Back to Zenith.
First, however, he had a stop to make.
****
He pounded on the door, and it took several minutes before he heard the shuffling of feet, and lights finally illuminated the doorway. Opening the door was Nick Lassiter, who stood there in surprisingly normal, casual sweats and a t-shirt. Joelle wasn’t far behind him, blinking rapidly at the glare of the hallway light and wearing a robe over her white nightgown. When did Joelle start wearing white? She always preferred all black before. See? Everyone changes, he wanted to say.
“What the hell are you doing here? It’s one o’clock in the morning. Are you drunk?”
“No. I’m not drunk. May I come in?” he asked politely.
Nick jerked back in surprise. Rob was never so polite to Nick before.
“Uh, sure. Come in.”
“Hey, Joelle. Sorry to wake you,” Rob said, glancing at his ex-wife. She was staring at him, looking unsure. He turned back to Nick.
“Hey Rob. What’s going on? Why are you here so late?”
“I was at Rebecca’s.”
Nick cringed and Rob shook his head. “Doug is coming back.”
Nick stepped backwards and his mouth came open. “What?”
“Doug is coming back. Soon. And I need you to keep an eye on her. Like you do for Joelle. Not like you ha
ve been doing with them, only coming to their aid whenever they ask. I mean being there, and noticing what she needs; because she won’t ask you for it.”
“Why would she need me? Did she dump you?”
“No. But I gave her pretty good reason to think I dumped her. Look, Nick, you were right from the start; I had no business with her. She’s the best person I’ve ever known and she’s confused. She might even still think I’m a good idea for her and the girls. But I’m not. You and I both know that. She needs to put her family back together. She won’t do it if I’m around. She will, though, if I’m gone.”
“You’re leaving? Giving her up? For her own good?”
“No. Nothing so noble as that. For the good of her little girls.”
Nick looked at him strangely and blew out a long breath. “Holy shit, you actually love my sister, don’t you?”
Rob turned away since he couldn’t answer. “It doesn’t matter. What matters most is that I don’t trust Doug Randall. You need to be there this time. Fucking tell her what you notice, and what you see. She’ll listen to you. She loves you and she respects you more than Doug, more than anyone.”
“How do you know all this?”
He glanced at Nick. “I told you before I wasn’t using her.”
Joelle stepped forward. “Why are you so sure she’s better off without you? Let her make that decision.”
“If she didn’t have three kids who needed their father, I’d meet Doug Randall at his house and tell him to screw off. Thing is, it’s never been just her and me.”
“What, then, do you want of me?”
“To make sure she’s okay. Go there a lot and let her know she has choices. Watch her, and make sure she doesn’t get too depressed.”
“Rebecca doesn’t get depressed.”
“Rebecca does. She really does get depressed and she tries too hard to meet everyone’s expectations. Make sure she doesn’t lose herself again.”
Nick’s expression seemed pensive, as though he were considering Rob seriously. “Maybe you’re right about that. Maybe she does.”
Zenith Fulfilled (Zenith Trilogy, #3) Page 27
