"Now, understand this, sir. We know Bismarck’s plan, down to the last detail, for safeguarding the Emperor. Starnberg must have put it to you? Very good, tell me what he said, precisely, and quick as you like."
When you’ve been trained as a political by Sekundar Burnes you talk to the point and ask no questions. In one short minute I’d been given staggering information demanding a thousand "whys", but that didn’t matter. What did, was the joyous discovery that I was among friends and safe from Bismarck’s ghastly intrigues. So I gave ’em what they wanted, as terse as I knew how, from my boarding the Orient Express, omitting only those tender passages with Kralta which might have offended their sensibilities, and any mention of the Pechmann blackmail: my story was that Willem had backed up his proposal with a pistol. They listened in silence broken only once by a groan from the bushes, at which Hutton snarled over his shoulder: "Hit him again, can’t you? And go through the bugger’s pockets every last penny, mind!"
When I’d finished he asked: "Did you believe it?"
"How the blazes could I tell? It sounded wild, but—"
"Oh, it’s wild!" he agreed. "It’s also gospel true, though I don’t blame you for doubting it … why the dooce couldn’t Bismarck approach you open and aboveboard instead of humbugging you aboard that train? Best way to make you disbelieve ’em, I’d say." He shot me a leery look. "Told Starnberg to go to the devil, did you?"
"By God I did, and let me tell you—"
"But you’re still with ’em, so either you’ve changed your mind or are pretending you’ve changed it." He was no fool, this one. "Well, sir, it makes no odds, for from this moment you’re with ’em in earnest. And that’s an order from Downing Street."
Only paralysed disbelief at these frightful words prevented me from depositing my dinner at his feet. He couldn’t mean them, surely? But he did; as I gaped in stricken horror he went on urgently:
"It’s this way. Bismarck’s right. If these Hungarian villains succeed, God help the peace. And he’s right, too, that the Emperor can’t be warned—"
"It would be fatal!" The Frog spoke for the first time. "There can be no confidence in his judgment. He might well provoke a storm. Bismarck’s plan is the only hope."
"It not only preserves the Emperor but deals those Magyar fanatics a fatal blow," says Hutton. "Suppose something arose to make this attempt impossible, they’d just wait for another day—but wipe out their best assassins now, swift and sudden, and they’ll not come again!" I could see his eyes fairly gleaming in the shadows. "So it rests with you and von Starnberg—but now you know you have the blessing of our own chief … and the French authorities, too, of course," he added quickly, no doubt to keep Jean Crapaud happy.
"M. Grevy approves the plan, and your participation," says Froggy, and smiled grimly. "And your old copain of the Legion bids you `Bonne chance, camarade!' "
He could only mean Macmahon (who’d never been near me in the bloody Legion, but that’s gossip for you), and as I sat rooted and mute at all this appalling news, which had whisked me in a twinkling from the heights of hope to the depths of despair, it struck me that there had been some marvellous secret confabulating in high places lately, hadn’t there just? But then, ’tisn’t every day that British and French intelligence learn of an idiotic plan by Bismarck to save the Austrian Emperor and prevent bloody war, is it? Gad’s me life and blue sacred, they must have thought, Gladstone and Grevy (the Frog-in-chief) must hear about this, and elder wiseacres like Macmahon, and probably D’Israeli … and the Queen, God help us, since it’s a royal crisis … and because they’ve no notion what to do they convince themselves that Otto’s plan is the only course—all the more so because the renowned Flashy, secret diplomatic ruffian extraordinary, former agent of Palmerston and Elgin, veteran of desperate exploits in Central Asia and China and the back o' beyond generally, who’s killed more men than the pox and is just the lad for the present crisis, has been recruited to the good cause—never mind how, he’s on hand, loaded and ready to fire, your majesty, so don’t trouble your royal head about it, all will be well … "Indeed, it is most alarming, and too shocking that subjects should Raise their Hands against their Emperor, whose Royal Person should be sacred to them, and the Empress is the prettiest and most charming creature, and while I could wish that your hand, dear Lord Beaconsfield, was at the Helm of the Ship of State in this crisis, I dare say that Mr Gladstone is right, and the matter may be safely entrusted to Colonel Flash-man, such an agreeable man, although my dear Albert thought him a trifle brusque …" "Indeed, mann, a somewhat rough diamond, but capable, they say …" That would be the gist of it. I could have wept.
For as I sat on the cold bench in the shadows, with waltz music drifting from the casino and my mind numb from the pounding Hutton and this Frod had given it, one thing at least was plain: I was dished. The irony was that in the very moment when I’d eluded Willem and his bullies, running had become impossible. How could I tell Hutton to go to hell with his foul instructions—and have him bearing back to Whitehall (and Windsor and Horse Guards and Pall Mall) the shameful news that the Hector of Afghanistan, hero of Balaclava and Cawnpore, had said thank’ee but he’d rather not save Franz-Josef and the peace of Europe, if you don’t mind. My credit, my fame would be blown away; I’d be disgraced, ruined, outcast; the Queen would be quite shocked. No, the doom had come upon me, yet again, and I could only cudgel my brains for some respectable alternative to the horror ahead, trying to look stern as I met their eyes, and talking brisk and manly like the gallant old professional they thought I was.
"See here, Hutton," says I, "you know me. I don’t croak. But this thing ain’t only wild, it’s plain foolish. You’ve got men—well, then, bushwhack these rascals in the grounds, before they get near the lodge—"
"We’re seven all told! We couldn’t hope to cover the grounds—and if we had more it’s odds the Holnup would spot us and cry off to another time."
"But, dammit, man, two men in the house is too few! Suppose they come in force—God knows I’m game, but I ain’t young, and Starnberg’s only a boy—"
"Never fret about Starnberg! From what I hear he’s Al," says Hutton, and laid a hand on my shoulder, damn his impudence.
"And I’d back you against odds, however old you are! Now, time’s short—"
"But you must picket the grounds somehow! If something goes wrong, seven of you could at least—"
"We’ll be on hand, colonel, but only at a distance or they’ll spot us sure as sin! From this moment we’ll have one cover dogging you, every foot o' the way, but more than that we can’t do! Now, you’d best rejoin Starnberg and Kralta before they miss you."
"And how the hell do I do that, when you’ve sandbagged my bloody watchdog? What do I tell ’em, hey? You’ve blown on me, you gormless ass!"
"Don’t you believe it, sir!" He was grinning as he spoke over his shoulder. "How is he?"
"Sleeping sound," chuckles a voice from the dark, and Hutton turned back to me. "Four more unlucky citizens will be assaulted and robbed this fine night, so your cove won’t seem out o' place. Damnable, these garotters! Bad as London … So your best plan, colonel, is to discover our unconscious friend and raise the alarm, see? How’s that for establishing your bona fides?" He called it "bonnyfydes"—and why the devil I should remember that, of all things, you may well wonder.
"Time to go!" snaps Hutton, straightening up. "Find another victim, eh, Delzons? Off with you, then!" His hand clapped my shoulder again. "All clear, colonel? Not a word about this to Starnberg, mind! You’ll see me again … afterwards. Good hunting, sir!"
And so help me, he and his lousy Frog accomplice were gone like phantoms into the dark, without another word, leaving me in a rather disturbed state. I’d have cried out after them if I’d been capable of speech; as it was, I had wit enough to see the wisdom of his advice anent Beefy, and after a few seconds' frantic search in the bushes I found the brute, dead to the world, and was waking the echoes with shouts of:
"Helfen! Polizei! Ein Mann ist tot! Helfen, schnell, helfen!" Thereafter it seemed politic to run towards the casino, repeating my alarm and guiding interested parties to the scene of the crime.
It worked perfectly, of course. Willem was among the first on hand, fairly blazing with unspoken suspicion, which I allayed by explaining that I’d been waiting by the fountain for Kralta when sounds of battery in the bushes had attracted my attention, and on investigating I’d found Beefy supine with two sturdy footpads taking inventory of his pockets. They had fled, I had pursued but lost them in the dark, and returned to minister to Beefy and raise the alarm. And where the blazes were the police, then?
It didn’t convince him above half, I’m sure, not at first; I could guess he was wondering why I hadn’t taken the chance to vanish … and coming slowly to the conclusion that I hadn’t wanted to. What sealed the thing was the discovery, a few minutes later, of another unfortunate wandering dazed on the gravel walks and gasping out a tale of armed footpads who’d knocked him down and pinched his watch and purse; half an hour afterwards a third was found unconscious by one of the casino gates, similarly beaten and robbed.
By that time the peelers had arrived in force, shepherding the frightened mob back into the casino, where Beefy and the other victims were being attended to. Plainly a gang of footpads had marked down the casino patrons as well-lined targets, and were making a lightning sweep of the grounds. I made a statement to a most efficient young police inspector, watched closely by a still puzzled Willem with Kralta at his elbow; they were talking sotto voce, and if I’d felt like laughing I dare say I’d have been amused at the slow change of expression on Willem’s face, for it was clear that she was insisting that here was proof of my sincerity, since not only had I not made for the high hills, I’d absolutely come to Beefy’s aid and been first to holler for the law. At last he nodded, but I guessed he was still leery of me—Rudi would have been.
Nothing was said, though, about my "bonnyfydes" as we returned to the Golden Ship, Kralta on my arm murmuring thanks that I hadn’t been molested, and Willem snapping impatiently at Beefy who brought up the rear with his head in a sling. I gathered from their half-heard conversation that Beefy was lamenting the loss of a lock of hair belonging to some bint called Leni which he’d carried in the back of his watch, and getting scant sympathy; Prussians, you know, care not two dams about their inferiors. Neither do I, but I know it’s good business to pretend that I do, and looked in on Beefy before retiring to lay a consoling hand on his thick skull; he just gaped like a ruptured bullock.
One of the lessons that I’d impress on young chaps is this: if you want to pull a bluff, do it with your might, no half-measures. However unlikely the ploy, if your neck is brazen enough, it’s odds on you’ll get away with it. Take the time I was caught in flagrante in a Calcutta hotel by an outraged husband, and sold him on the idea that I was a doctor sounding her chest, or the occasion when they found me climbing through Jefferson Davis’s skylight and I pretended I was a workman come to fix his lightning-rod. A moment’s guilty hesitation, and I’d have been done for; indignant astonishment at being interfered with saw me through. But I’ve never done better than Willem von Starnberg in Franz-Josef’s woods above Ischl; that was a bravura performance, and would have been a pleasure to witness if I hadn’t been writhing in pain after he’d dam' near broken my leg. His father would have been proud of him.
We’d risen well before dawn and made a hurried breakfast—schnapps, mostly, for me, in a futile attempt to steady my nerves—and Kralta was on hand to bid the warriors farewell. Her cheek was like ice when she kissed me, but her lips were hungry enough, and there was moisture in the cold blue eyes and strain showing on the long proud face. She was anxious for me, you see, the besotted little aristo—it’s remarkable how even the most worldly of women can be rendered maudlin by Adam’s arsenal. Willem was impatient to be off, and it was more to annoy him than to comfort her that I folded her in a lingering embrace, squeezing her bottom as I assured her that we’d be back in fine trim in a day or two, and then Vienna, ha-ha!
The sun was not yet up, and autumn mist was wreathing over the waters of the Ischl as we crossed the bridges, deserted at that hour, and mounted the slope towards the woods, skirting well to the right of the royal lodge, which lay silent among its surrounding trees; a cock was crowing somewhere, the dew was thick on the short grass, and there was that tang in the nostrils that comes only at daybreak. We were attired as tourist walkers, in tweeds, boots and gaiters, Willem carrying a rucksack and I a flask and sandwich-case, and it was only when we had reached the higher woods and paused to look back at the lodge, and beyond and beneath it the distant roofs of Ischl town, gilded now by the first rays of the rising sun, that it struck me I was without one necessary item of equipment. When, I asked, was I to be armed for the fray?
"Not yet awhile," smiles Willem. "Remember that presently you’re going to be a limping invalid, who’s sure to be examined by a doctor, and we don’t want him blundering through your clobber and finding the likes of these, do we?" He opened the rucksack to display two revolvers, a Webley and a LeVaux. "I like an English piece myself, but the LeVaux' s neat enough for your pocket and fires a .45 slug, guaranteed to give any marauder the deuce of a bellyache. Take your choice."
Without thinking, I indicated the LeVaux … and so saved my life, and Franz-Josef’s, and heaven knows how many million other lives as well. If I’d chosen the Webley, Europe would probably have gone to war in ’83. Think I’m stretching? Wait and see.
"We’ll have twenty rounds apiece," says Willem, stowing away the guns. "If we need more … then we shall also need the Austrian army." His impatience had gone now that we were under way, and he was in that insufferably jocular mood that his father had affected whenever dirty work was imminent. "Now, ’twill be curtain up in a little while, so let’s rehearse our cues, shall we?"
We found a dry fallen tree trunk in the margin of the woods, and he repeated in detail the mad procedure which he’d described on the train, and again at the Golden Ship. It still sounded devilish chancy—suppose Franz-Josef hadn’t got up this morning, or didn’t invite us to stay, what then? I asked. He shook his head as at a mistrustful child, and was just assuring me patiently that it would all fall out precisely as the genius Otto had forecast, when from somewhere in the woods above us there came the distant sound of a gunshot.
"There, you see!" cries he, springing afoot. "Our royal host is doin' the local chamois a piece of no good!"
"How d’ye know it’s him? It might be anyone!"
"It might be the Aston Villa brake-club picnic, but I doubt it! In the Emperor’s personal woods?" He swung up his rucksack and plunged into the trees. "Come on!"
We pushed rapidly uphill into the woods, down into a little hollow, and up again over a steep stony place, and now there came two shots in quick succession, much closer and off to our left.
"Wait here!" says Willem, and was off into the undergrowth at a run. I breathed myself against a tree, debating whether to rush blindly downhill away from this fatal nonsense, remembered Hutton and the Queen, and stood there sweating and gnashing my teeth—and here he was again, face alight with unholy joy, slithering towards me over the fallen leaves and needles.
"Eureka! He’s there, large as life, havin' a smoke while his loader measures the horns of some dead beast which I suppose he’s shot! Couldn’t be better!" He caught me by the shoulder. "Now’s the hour, Harry my boy! This is where you rick your ankle, and I holler for help! Ready?"
"You’re raving mad!" says I, through chattering teeth. "You and Bismarck both—oh, Christ!"
For the swine had fetched me a sudden shattering kick above the ankle, and I went down in agony, fairly writhing on the leaves as I clutched my injured limb and damned him to Hell and beyond. It was as though I’d been shot—and he stepped over me, measured his distance, and kicked me savagely again, in almost the same place.
"If you’ve hurt yourself, the medico
’s got to have somethin' to look at, you know!" grins he. "Not so loud, you ass, or they’ll think you’re dyin' ! Groan, and try to look gallantly long-sufferin'!"
I was too dizzy with pain to do anything but curse and weep, and now he was away again, yelling "Helfen, mein Herr!" while I tried to pull myself up by a tree, wrenching at my gaiter-buttons and sock to reveal an ankle that was grazed bloody and already turning blue. God, had he broken it? I nursed the injury with both hands, feeling it beginning to puff and swell, and now footsteps were approaching, Willem’s voiced raised in concern.
"… caught his leg between two stones, I think. I don’t believe it’s broken, but too badly wrenched to walk, I fear. On the first day of our expedition, too!"
"You say your friend is an Englishman?" It was a deep voice, curiously flat and deliberate.
"Why, yes, an Army acquaintance. Neither of us has been to the Saltzkammergut before, you see, and we planned … ah, here he is! How is it, Harry? I say, it looks bad!" He turned to his companion. "By the way, I am Count Willem von Starnberg … Herr … ?" He finished on a question, the cunning young bastard, letting on that he didn’t know whom he was addressing, and I gritted my teeth and tried to act up, noting as I did so that it was a good job there were no Highland regiments in the Austrian service, for the Emperor Franz-Josef would have looked abominable in a kilt, with those knobbly knock-knees looking like knuckle-ends between his woollen stockings and his little black lederhosen. He wore a shooting jacket and a ridiculous hat with a feather, but there was nothing clownish about the austere frowning face with its heavy whiskers as he stooped to survey my damage. Nothing sympathetic, either, just bovine serious.
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