by Luxe, Eva
I had been upset about her mood swings, her violent fits of rage, and her hysterical outbursts. Sadie had always been a stable girl, someone everyone had depended on.
Now, she was unpredictable, different. To the point where I missed her instability, her fits of rage. All of that had been better than this lifeless shell sitting on her bed, staring at me like she was tired.
It wasn’t sleep tired, either. It was like she was tired of life. I could understand that.
Her mom hadn’t wanted to let me in. She had told me to let it go, to leave things as they were. There was only so much any of us could do before it became clear nothing was going to work. And she was beginning to get resentful that I kept pushing Sadie to remember things long after she had given up.
I often wondered if her mom was as mad at me as I was for “causing” the accident. She hadn’t even known we’d been at High Rock. I had had to call her and explain the awful news and she had come rushing with Sadie’s dad to the hospital.
So, it was natural to think she might be telling me to leave as a punishment. She’d never said she was angry with me— in fact, she had reassured me that it wasn’t my fault and that she knew that Sadie and I loved each other very much. She had often hoped and prayed that Sadie would remember me so we could be together again.
But by that point, she agreed with the doctors that it was better that I stay away. She said perhaps Sadie would have more peace and time alone to heal. Part of me even know she was right.
But I was stubborn. I didn’t want to listen. I wanted Sadie back and seeing her this way hurt me more and more every day.
Lately, I had been angry that I was the only one left with hope. Everyone else had thrown in the towel. Three months had been enough for Sadie to lose everyone she couldn’t remember, and I wouldn’t be another one of those people abandoning her.
But I understood it when I looked into her eyes. They were vacant, empty of fire, empty of the life I used to love about her.
Was this what we had come to?
I sat down next to her. I’d stopped reaching for her hand, trying to hold onto her. She wasn’t comfortable touching me anymore. Why would she be? I was a stranger to her now.
She knew some people, like the salesman she’d met a week before the accident when he had come knocking on her parent’s door trying to sell them a silly set of Encyclopedias. We had laughed at him later— who the hell buys Encyclopedias anymore? Doesn’t he know there’s a thing called Google now? Has he not heard of the Internet?— but she didn’t know me when we had dated for two years.
She remembered the guy, kind of, but nothing at all about us laughing or joking about the guy, because she didn’t remember me or anything at all about me. I didn’t understand how it was possible.
The doctors said they couldn’t explain it, but it was normal.
What the fuck was normal? Who the fuck were they to tell me this was normal?
And what did they learn in school if not what the hell was going on with their patients and why? I knew I was misplacing blame onto the doctors who were taking great care of Sadie, but I was beyond the point of caring.
It seemed all they did was tell me “I don’t know, but it’s normal. We’ll just have to wait and see. The brain is a peculiar thing,” and other such fucking bullshit nonsense that made me want to slam my fist through the window of Sadie’s hospital room and pull both of us through the hole I would make. Maybe I had some crazy idea that by doing that, we could be sucked back into the past, or into some alternative universe where she hadn’t had the accident or she at least still had her memory.
But as I saw the look on her face as she opened her mouth to talk to me, I could tell she had different ideas. She just wanted this to be over with.
“Brian, I can’t do this,” she said.
When she looked up at me, her face was solemn, her eyes big, but there was no trace of tears.
“What?” I asked.
It was a fucking ridiculous and completely unnecessary question, since I already knew what she meant. I guess I just had the need to have her explain it to me, so I could feel the dagger going through my heart nice and slow.
She shook her head.
“All of this,” she said. “I can’t do it anymore. It’s not fair to you, and let’s face it. I’m never going to be the same. I don’t know who you are, and every time you expect me to remember something and I don’t, I just feel like more and more of a disappointment.”
I heard a loud crack then. I shook my head.
“Don’t do this, baby, please.”
Her face closed a little at the accidental pet name.
“Don’t push me away,” I said, but I knew it was too late.
She shook her head again. Her hair was straight and plastered up against her head from lying in her hospital bed. It didn’t have the curly ringlets from the night of prom. But it still looked beautiful to me, as did everything else about her, and I couldn’t believe I was losing all of her.
“I’m sorry,” she said.
She looked at me with a face that said she was sorry she hurt me, but she wasn’t hurting, too. She didn’t feel a thing. She told the man she’d loved for two years goodbye without shedding a tear, and I had no choice but to walk out of her life for good.
Chapter 11 – Sadie
Present Day and Back Then
I thought not speaking to Brian would make everything better again. I had pushed him away the first time, and it had helped. All the reminders of everything forgotten had gone away with him, and I had been able to move on with my life. Or at least, what had been left of it.
This time, that hadn’t happened at all. In fact, pushing him away had just seemed to cement him in my mind, and I couldn’t forget about him at all.
It didn’t help that he was on the news, and anyone who talked about football reminded me of him. And I worked at the Sharks’ facility with the girls. What if I saw him again?
I hadn’t seen him since Sunday, but two days wasn’t enough to know I wouldn’t see him again.
Chances were I would, even if it was just on television.
On Tuesday evening, I trained with the girls again. It was a normal training session. The girls were in top shape and doing well. I’d started training with them instead of standing on the sidelines and calling the shots. I missed being active. I missed using my body and pushing myself to the limits.
Working so hard physically also helped me feel grounded. While the adrenaline flowed and I focused on doing everything precisely, I didn’t think about anything at all. During the times I trained or went for a run, I didn’t think about Brian, and that was the only peace I found.
Tonight, I had thought about not training my squad. I could let Lorraine do it. I was getting sick of pushing them too hard, and I was burning out. I knew when I had to stop, that even though getting away from my thoughts sounded like the best idea, I wasn’t going to sacrifice my health and well-being for it.
But I hadn’t listened to myself, so here I was, doing the only thing I knew how to do— trying to push through the pain, both emotionally and physically. That’s what this sport was about, and it had served me well during the last five years.
“Well done, girls,” I called when they completed the routine without a hitch. “Let’s do it again.”
They complained. I laughed and shook my head.
“We don’t train until we get it right. We train until we can’t get it wrong.”
I froze. Brian had always said that. I didn’t know how I knew, but I knew.
A memory slammed into my mind so clear, so undeniably a memory and not a fantasy or a dream, I couldn’t breathe.
Sophomore year was my favorite. We weren’t the babies of the school anymore, and senior year was still far enough off that we didn’t have to worry. Life was all about making good enough grades to pass, but not so serious that we needed to get into college yet. Life was perfect. I had great friends, my cheerleading was going better than ever
, and I had a place where I belonged.
“I don’t think I’m going to Charlie’s party tonight,” I said to Breanna, my best friend.
“Come on, Sadie. The whole team is going to be there. You can’t miss out on it. We do everything together.”
I rolled my eyes, but she was right. We did everything together, and I liked spending time with my friends.
“The parties get a little out of hand sometimes. And you know Charlie is going to try get alcohol. What if the police show up this time?”
Breanna shook her head. “You stress too much.”
I shrugged. Maybe she was right.
Which was why I ended up going. Charlie’s house was huge, and everyone that wasn’t a junior had arrived, whether they were invited or not. All my friends were there. We were all dressed in our cheering outfits, a picture perfect squad, a team united.
But I wasn’t feeling it. The loud music, the inevitable alcohol. It just wasn’t my scene tonight.
I walked out onto the terrace and leaned against the rail that looked out over the lawn.
“Are you okay out here?” someone asked behind me.
When I turned, Brian stood behind me. He was on the football team, and we saw each other often during training and games, but we’d never really spoken to each other.
He was so hot, though. I couldn’t believe he was talking to me. Tingles ran down my spine as I lowered my eyes away from his intense, handsome ones, only to end up staring at his broad shoulders and chest. I couldn’t keep my eyes off him.
“Just getting some air,” I said.
“It’s a little crazy in there, tonight,” he said, and I blinked at him as he came to stand next to me. “Sometimes I prefer a quiet night.”
“You don’t always like to drink and party and scope the girls? Not a lot of guys would admit to that,” I said.
Brian shrugged. “I’m not a lot of guys. I’m me.”
I nodded. That was true.
“Do you want to go sit down there, on the grass?” he asked.
I hesitated a second. What would they think if I disappeared with Brian? I only wondered a moment before I decided I didn’t care. I nodded, and he smiled.
We walked down to the grass and sat under a tree, looking back at the house. We could hear the faint thud of music and the laughter scattering through the crowds, and I felt oddly removed from it.
I liked it.
We started talking. We talked about everything. What we liked, our hobbies, and dreams. I wanted to go to college and have a career that would help other people and change lives. I didn’t know what yet. I wanted to be on the cheerleading squad at college. He wanted to play pro ball. He told me he could tell I was going places, that I could do whatever I set my mind to.
He seemed so sure of it, and then I realized it’s because it was the philosophy that he himself lived by. It was refreshing to find someone so inspirational and positive, when most of the kids my age were complaining about trivial things like not being able to buy beer, or that the latest hit album that was always playing on the radio sucked.
I was supposed to stay over at Breanna’s house, but I didn’t want to go back inside and look for her. I didn’t want to break the bubble Brian and I were caught in. We talked all night.
The sun finally rose over the horizon. I huddled into the jacket he’d given me against the cold, and he sat close to me so our bodies heated each other without being inappropriate.
It was as if he just wanted to get to know me for me, although he was also very complimentary about my looks, my body. He was the perfect gentleman. As if he had just stepped out of some romance novel.
I looked up at him as the golden rays of the sun kissed his sandy hair, and I realized I liked this boy. I could love this boy, if I wanted to.
When he turned to me, he smiled as if he knew.
I pressed my hands against my chest. My head ached dully, and the scar throbbed. I raised my fingers to it.
“Coach?” one of the girl asked me.
I shook my head while trying to shake away the image. But I shouldn’t try to push it away. It could be dangerous to remember it and follow wherever the memory might take me in the here and now, but, it was also all I had. I didn’t want to regret not savoring it enough, like the other memories that had come and gone.
“Yeah, good,” I said. “I think that’s enough for tonight.”
I realized I probably wasn’t going to be able to erase the memory from my mind even if tried. It had been so vivid. It seemed much more permanent than the other memories.
I pulled out my phone and scrolled to Brian’s number in my contacts list. Was I making a mistake?
I texted him anyway.
Let’s meet up at Blue Collar for dinner, after all?
It was silly and I felt like a middle schooler. But it was also scary and I kept wondering how I would feel if he said no.
But a moment later, I caught my breath as my phone vibrated. He had replied.
My pleasure , he said. Should I pick you up?
I liked that he wasn’t being pushy. He was letting me take the reins. I think I needed that right now. And, because I was afraid of having another panic attack and not being able to get out of there, I decided that him picking me up wasn’t the greatest idea.
I’ll just meet you there , I texted him. 8 pm?
Sounds great, he responded. See you there .
Oh, my God. I officially had a date with my ex boyfriend. That I could kind of remember, just a tiny bit.
I refrained from doing a happy dance, since my girls would think I had gone insane. I knew it didn’t seem like big progress, but I was celebrating any kind of baby step I was able to take.
Chapter 12 – Sadie
Present Day
On Wednesday, I still couldn’t believe that I had texted Brian and that I was about to see him. I hadn’t regretted it, though— in fact, I’d been anxiously awaiting this moment.
I tapped my foot impatiently as I stood near the hostess’ podium and looked out the window, wondering when– or if? — Brian would show. For all I knew, he had gotten tired of this back and forth. But then I saw his handsome frame strolling down the sidewalk in front of the restaurant, and his strong arm pulling open the door. I let out a deep breath I hadn’t even realized I’d been holding in.
I was always punctual, but I was impressed to see that Brian was too. I still didn’t know that much about him, despite the one wonderful memory I could still remember, of the first time we had ever met. I didn’t even technically know whether that memory was accurate, but I had a feeling it was.
“Thank you for meeting me,” I said, when he arrived. “I know you probably think I’m a crazy lady because I asked you to go away and then texted you to reschedule but—”
“Don’t,” he said. He was smiling and his eyes were drowning deep. “I’m happy you texted me. I’m happy to be here.”
I smiled and reminded myself to keep breathing. He had literally taken my breath away. He looked amazing. He wore dark jeans with Italian loafers and a wine-red, collared shirt that brought out the beiges in his stylishly messy hair.
I felt a little out of place. I had put on the proverbial little black dress and kitten heels. I’d pulled my hair up into a bun and put on silver jewelry. But everyone here was dressed up so fancy, and I hadn’t ever been on a date or even to a place like this.
I told myself I had better things to do— like train my cheerleaders— but a part of me knew I was closing myself off to relationships, to love. Until recently, when I had met Brian. Or, re-met him, I guess I should say.
“You look beautiful,” he said. “And I don’t think you’re a crazy lady at all.”
I smiled, glad that he had broken the ice on what felt to me like our first date, my first date ever. Even if the “old me” had been on dates with him, I didn’t remember, so to me, this was all very new and exciting.
We walked into the restaurant, while Brian explained that it morphe
d from one thing to another depending on the day or night.
“I love this place, because in the mornings, it’s a breakfast and brunch place, then they serve lunch, then it becomes a fancy restaurant for dinner, and then in a few more hours it turns into a bar and club. Talk about a versatile use of space.”
We both laugh, but I can’t help but wonder how many other girls he had taken here. The lifestyle he had been living before he and I had re-met. It was only natural and fair to assume he had been the typical “player,” not just of football but women too. He was a gorgeous, talented, and very rich guy.
Naturally he wasn’t going to just sit on the bench in the dating game, hoping I would change my mind after telling him to leave. But I didn’t really want to think about all the things he had been doing in the meantime.
Instead, I looked around at the surroundings. Brian was right—Blue Collar was the place to be no matter the day or time. The restaurant was classy with a terrace out onto the water of Biscayne Bay and Brickell Key. The sun was setting, and the water sparkled like diamonds.
We sat down. He ordered whiskey. I asked for sparking water. Suddenly, I didn’t know what to say. I took a deep breath.
“I’m sorry about Sunday,” I said.
Brian shook his head, but I wanted to explain.
“The thing is, lately I’ve been remembering things. About you.”
I watched his face carefully. A flicker of emotion crossed his face, but I couldn’t place it.
“I keep forgetting them again, though,” I said. “And that scares me. Knowing I’ve lost something and having it back to have it ripped away again are two different things.”
Brian nodded. “I can understand that.”
His eyes were a cerulean blue, so deep and so bright I felt like I could fall into them and never swim up to the surface again.
I looked down at my glass, watching the little bubbles travel to the top and bursting on the surface.
“I wanted to ask you something,” I said. “About a memory I can remember.”
