I asked the waiter for another drink. “How is he?” I couldn’t help but ask. I knew I’d regret that question, but I had to know.
“He’s ok. We’ve settled with Fredericks so that part is over at least. He’s still not himself. He works and sleeps. We don’t really go out or do anything. He’s just kind of going through the motions.”
I nodded. I understood that more than I cared to express. Did that mean something? Wasn’t time supposed to heal all wounds? Even after all of this time we still were in this funk.
“Every time I go home from here he asks how you are. I spend the first fifteen to twenty minutes after getting home recounting your every move. He dislikes that you’ve lost so much weight.”
I shrugged. I had lost weight since everything had happened. I hadn’t counted on it being quite so noticeable, but apparently it was.
“Is there ever a chance Olivia?” Jason asked.
“Did he ask you to ask me that?” I asked.
“No, he assumes we don’t really speak. I promised I would never tell that he asks about you.”
“How do I know you don’t go back and tell him everything that was said since you promised him you wouldn’t?” Jason smiled a little.
“Because he’s the only one who still holds out hope,” he said.
“No, I don’t think so Jason. There’s still times that I have to physically hold myself together when I think about him, but then I think about all the bullshit. I think about how easy it would have been to be honest from the start. It’s harder to forgive that than to feel like this.”
“Why haven’t you moved on?”
I took a deep breath to stop myself from getting angry and defensive.
“Because I’m not over him. There’s too many good things that I can’t quite let the bad swallow it up. Somedays I think I’m getting closer. Others I feel like it was still that night.”
He looked like he wanted to say something more but thought better of it. He took a sip from his beer and smiled.
“I never imagined there was anybody who could make Cole Cooper powerless.” Jason said with a laugh.
“He’s so stupid.” This made Jason laugh even louder.
“This he is. I guess I should apologize though,” Jason said.
“Why” I asked kind of nervously.
“I lied just a little bit ago, not on purpose though.
“Oh?” I asked, my eyebrow was raised.
“He’s not the only one who holds out hope,” he said before he took a sip from his beer, looking over the top of the cup at me.
Chapter 20
“This feels just as heavy as last time. I swear no matter what it’s enough for a few months,” Adrian said as she tried to drag her bag down the hallway.
“That’s because that is the exact bag from last year. You have to start with a smaller bag otherwise you’ll fill it all. Trust me, this is the third bag I tried,” I said, carrying my bag down the hallway with ease.
“What time is Charlotte coming? Think I could get Kyle to bring this downstairs?” Adrian asked.
“She’ll be here in fifteen or so minutes. I’m sure he’ll come up and help you out.” I sat on the couch and relaxed. Thankfully the semester had ended. I was excited for it to be over but also nervous to have three months to only work and relax. The old adage “Idle hands are the devil’s playground” was true, except mine was an idle mind. I liked to keep busy simply so that I didn’t think.
I had been thinking about this trip for the past month. I didn’t know how I felt about it. On one hand I was excited to spend probably our last year with my friends on vacation. By this time next year both of them would be married and Charlotte had announced the fact that she wanted to have a baby. On the other hand I didn’t know how I would be able to handle going. There were still so many demons I was trying to overcome and going straight to the source was probably not a good idea. We had promised each other that a man would never stop us from being together and if I didn’t go, that’s exactly what I would be doing. The saving grace was that I could be heavily intoxicated the whole time and nobody would bat an eye at it.
“How are you feeling about going back?” Adrian asked, as if reading my mind.
“I’m ok I guess. I’ve been nervous about it, but there’s nothing that’s going to ruin our trip together. That is in the past and I’m not willing to avoid an entire country because of some asshole. I just want to have fun and pretend nothing else existed there except us.”
“I can live with that. Char and I both told you that it’s ok if you don’t want to go or want to go somewhere else,” Adrian said.
“I know, but I don’t. I want to go and be with you guys like we’ve always been. I can do this.”
There was a knock at the door and Adrian popped up to get it. Charlotte and Kyle walked in, both smiling.
Kyle was kind enough to bring down Adrian’s bag and put all of our luggage in the back of his SUV. We all piled in on our way to the airport.
Security wasn’t an issue and before long we were sitting around a table at the airport bar.
“I can’t believe what can happen in a year. Char got married, I will be getting married, we’re sitting here getting ready to go on a vacation together again, it’s amazing,” Adrian said, taking a sip from her drink.
“I know, it’s hard to believe what a year can bring. Won’t be long before we have to bring a fourth friend around on all of our adventures,” Charlotte said.
I took a sip of my drink before my mind caught up. “Fourth friend?” I asked, feeling my palms getting sweaty.
“Yeah, you know, an addition to our group,” she said with a smile on her face.
Adrian and I looked at each other, unsure if what we thought she was saying was really what she was saying. My eyes took in the table in front of me, Adrian’s beer, my mixed drink and Charlotte’s water.
“You’re not,” I said.
She simply shook her head and we all broke out in a mess of yelling and hugs. People were staring at us from the walkway in the airport and those sitting in the bar.
“I can’t believe you didn’t tell us! Are you sure you want to still go? It’s probably not going to be very much fun for you without any alcohol,” Adrian said, still squealing a little.
“Congrats Char, I thought you guys were just talking about it,” I said.
“We were, but then it ended up just happening. It’s really early, but I have a doctor’s appointment for the week we get back. I wouldn’t miss this for the world. I think it’s important we all are together.” I knew she was referring to me. She was a mother ahead of her time. I know both of them were worried about how it would be, being back in Mexico, having to deal with things I’ve pushed aside. Being with my best friends was the only way I’d be able to survive.
We heard them begin boarding our flight as the announcement came over the loud speaker. We put a tip on the table and stood up.
“Come on momma, do you need me to carry you?” Adrian joked to Char, opening her arms to her.
We laughed as we walked toward the gate.
The flight seemed longer than usual. It seemed with every passing mile my heart rate quickened and I felt my stomach tie itself in one more knot. The worst would be the fear of the unknown. I imagined myself unable to hold it together, seeing anyplace that we had been together would send me into some downward spiral. I had been unable to predict my emotions for close to a year now, how would I feel when faced with the places that he had actually been at one time? That is what made me the most nervous, I didn’t know how I would react. I felt the nervousness grow as we got closer and closer to our destination.
We finally landed and grabbed our bags, took the short ride to the condo and were standing at the automatic sliding glass doors. I took a deep breath. There were many times that I had seen him here. I had half imagined his presence to have left some distinguishable mark somewhere. I held my breath as we walked through the doors and Charlotte picked up t
he keys. She opened the familiar door and I was happy to see it was the way it should be. I took my stuff into one of the smaller bedrooms as Charlotte took the master. I looked around the kitchen and living room. It seemed impossible that here I was, back in this place and I wasn’t a sullen mess. I could see his handsome silhouette where he stood as we talked before spending the day together. I could hear his voice say my name and even heard his laugh. These phantom sounds and sights were equally exciting and disappointing.
It seemed like the world had moved on even though I hadn’t. There were no tangible traces that he ever existed. In my mind I had brief thoughts that maybe I had dreamt the whole thing. That he wasn’t even real. The idea made me sad. I knew that I had never been so hurt as I was because of him, but a world without him in it seemed so boring.
Thoughts of him filled my head for most of the day. I missed him, I despised him, I wanted to know that somewhere in the world he was there, taking up space. I couldn’t explain how I felt. Being here made me hate him less. It was scary and humbling to see that the world moved on. He didn’t exist in mine anymore, but he didn’t exist here either. I imagined him somewhere, taking up more space with his bubble of power. I remembered what it felt like, fighting to breathe above his overbearing aura. I felt like there should be footprints ingrained in the carpet, the floor, the sand, the ground, anywhere he walked. It seemed so empty knowing that this time last year I had felt so fulfilled.
The three of us put on our suits and spent the day by the pool. By drink number three I was really enjoying myself. I loved the feeling of the sun and Adrian and Charlotte were on high alert, making sure the conversation never stopped. I was so very thankful for them. Whenever the conversation would move to a lull, one of them had a story to tell that led to five more stories from the rest of us. This is how it should be and I was extremely happy to have it be so.
Adrian and I had decided to go out and swim while Charlotte put on her sunglasses and laid back in her chair.
“This is so how it’s supposed to be. I love the heat and the sun and the alcohol,” I said as I leaned back against the side of the pool.
“It makes me realize how much I miss it every year. I don’t think about it all year and then when we’re here, I’m like this is heaven!” Adrian said.
“I’ll tell Char the same thing, but thank you. I know you guys are on high alert trying to keep me busy and happy, and I really appreciate it.”
“We love you Olivia, we just want our friend back,” she said wistfully.
“I really think I’m slowly coming back. I feel like I needed this. Since we got here I’ve been looking at everything. It’s silly, but I expected to see some permanent mark of where he had been at one point or another, like the universe had stamped him into permanence here. But he’s not here, there’s no reminder of him except my memories. It makes me feel like that’s a sign for me to move in the right direction. I feel uplifted by being here Ad, really. I haven’t felt that optimistic in a really long time.”
“I can see it in your face, you look like you’re really here with us. It’s been a long time since you’ve actually been engaged in a situation. We’re so worried about you,” she said seriously.
“I know, I feel different. I feel invigorated, like if he was going to hang over one aspect of my life, this would be it, and he’s not so I feel free.”
“Well I’m glad. I really am, I missed having you around for so long. You might be physically there, but I knew mentally you were somewhere else. I get it, I understand. I just hope this is really it and you can come back.”
“I think so, I really do. I want to enjoy our time here, and celebrate all of the good things we have going on, like you and you’re getting married. That’s so crazy to me,” I said playfully.
“It’s still crazy to me too, my god. But Olivia, I’ve never felt this way before. It’s like every tiny piece of me just explodes when he’s around. I spend most of my time with him laughing because he makes me feel so good. It’s just this feeling of perfection when he’s around. I couldn’t love him anymore than I do. I feel so lucky to have him, but then I feel like a terrible friend.”
“Why? You’re the best friend ever,” I said, concerned.
“Because, it’s like I’m forcing you to have a connection to him. I already told Jason he can’t come to the wedding. It’s more important that I have you there than him and Jason understood. I don’t want a huge part of my life to be torture for you,” she said.
“Adrian, there is a point where I have to be an adult. I have to be able to face my problems like an adult. With how I feel now I feel like I could face him and not lose it. I really care about you and Jason and I don’t want you to think about me at all, this is about you and him and I truly think he is good for you. We’ve cleared up the bad blood that was between us.”
“I know, he told me. I feel really excited about that. You and Charlotte are the most important people to me, and if either of you had a problem with him, I’d have to get rid of him. I mean that. I adore him, so I’m glad you two worked it out, but you’re my best friend and you matter too,” she said, hugging me. I felt the tears pricking my eyes. This is why I survived, this is why my life was torn apart but not destroyed. I had the best people around me and I could not let them down by continuing to be a zombie.
“You know what I want to do?” I asked.
“What?”
“I want to go to the beach party tonight and dance the night away. I want us to really enjoy this last hurrah we have. I’ve always admired your ability to do that and now I’m about to take a chance and do that with you. I just am feeling the need to really let loose and have more fun than should be allowed.”
Adrian gave a high pitched squeal and hugged me again. “Then that my friend is a date, I am so excited!” She said.
Chapter 21
I could feel the music in my chest as we walked down toward the music and lights. I had several drinks in the room and was feeling about as good as I could. My hand was gripping the back of my dress.
“I feel like my ass is hanging out Adrian, I don’t think I can wear this,” I said.
“Nonsense, you look hot, it fits you perfectly, I swear.” She gripped my hand and pulled me faster toward the beach.
“I don’t think I can do this. It was a good idea when it was only you and Char, but I am not this girl.” Adrian stopped short when I finished talking and looked me.
“You are this girl tonight Olivia. You’re hot, you’re single and you’re about to be hot and single and mildly drunk on the dance floor. You wanted to have a good time, I am not going to allow your self consciousness stop you from that. You look great, your ass is covered and looks great. Trust me,” Adrian said and took my hand and started walking.
We reached the beach and immediately got a drink from the bar. We were drinking at the end of the bar, watching the people around us.
“This is what I’m talking about. I don’t think I’ve ever seen it this crowded. This is fantastic!” Adrian yelled over the music, sipping her drink a little too quickly for me to keep up with. She put her empty glass on the bar and motioned for me to hurry up. I gulped the last little bit and put it on the bar. She took my hand and took me out to the dance floor.
“Come on hot momma, let’s show them something,” Adrian yelled as we began to dance. She moved so naturally that for a long while I felt awkward. Slowly the alcohol kicked in and I felt my inhibitions start to leave my body. Time passed in a flash and Adrian and we didn’t return to the bar for over an hour.
“Adrian, this is so much fun!” I yelled as the bartender set drinks down on the bar in front of us.
“Girl you can move, I don’t know why you’re so shy about it, work it,” she said and smiled.
I was nearly ready to burst, I was overjoyed at how I felt. For the first time in my life I felt like I was something. The alcohol mixed with my new found joy of having fun made me feel unstoppable. I felt like I was new. Here
I was, with my two best friends in paradise, and I wasn’t crying over some guy who broke my heart. Nearly a year of pain and suffering was enough to make me feel like a million bucks tonight.
“Don’t look now, but there’s this guy who has been watching you. I saw him watching you dance and he’s since turned around since we’ve been here. He’s sitting about a dozen seats down from us on the other end. He’s hot,” Adrian whispered in my ear.
I took a sip of my drink and casually leaned forward, surveying the bar, trying not to be obvious. Sure enough I met eyes with a man about ten seats down at the other end of the bar. She was right, he was really good-looking. He had black hair that seemed to have been gelled up on his head. He had a really nice tan and though I couldn’t make him out completely he looked like he definitely worked out. He looked away and sipped at a bottle of beer.
“I think he’s looking at you,” I said, flushing a little bit.
“I don’t think so, he was definitely looking at you like he needed a snack,” she said smiling.
“What do I do?” I asked, suddenly my nerves had come back full force.
“Go talk to him idiot, duh.”
“What do I say?”
“Hi is usually a good start. Just be natural. You’ve been rocking it all night, you got this,” she said, putting my glass in my hand.
“Wait, here let me fix you,” she said as she ruffled my hair a little, pulling my dress exposing more cleavage and pulling the bottom up, making it shorter.
I rolled my eyes and set the glass down, pulling the bottom back down, “He’ll proposition me for a night of paid fun if I walk over there like this,” I said.
“Go get it girl,” Adrian said and slapped my butt as I turned to go, laughing loudly.
My heart pounded as I made my way down the bar. I stopped at the other end and leaned over, getting the bartender’s attention and ordered another drink. That was smooth right? Adrian was right, he kind of twisted his stool so he was no longer facing in the direction I came from. He didn’t made eye contact, but I saw him glance out of the corner of his eye occasionally. Funny thing was I only knew this because I was doing the same. I smiled a bit bigger than normal as the bartender gave me the drink. I stood and took a sip, looking around. My palms were sweaty and I was hoping that was the only nervous sign that I was displaying. There was one stool between me and the stool the man was sitting on. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed the guy lean over to the person sitting there for a moment and then that person got up. I looked over at that moment and watched the person get up. The man made eye contact and nodded toward the stool next to him with a smile on his face. I gave a small smile back and sat. I felt a little exposed and tried my best to cross my legs without falling off the stool. I had to admit to Adrian later that the black dress was amazing.
The Rules In Paradise (Playing By The Rules) Page 17
