by Pierre Frei
One person could tell her, though. Helga Lohmann hoped to see him at Reinhard's funeral, but Reinhard's old school friend preferred to send a large wreath and a note of condolence on hand-made, deckle-edged paper. He had Party business in Munich, he explained in an accompanying note. On the day of his return she went straight to see him.
National Socialist Legal Adviser Dr Gunther Olbrich was in the Berlin Gauleitung offices in Hermann-Goring-Strasse. Helga gave her name to the doorman, and was sent to a first-floor waiting room furnished with comfortable, upholstered chairs.
When the door of the adjoining office finally opened a half-hour later, she leaped hopefully to her feet. It was Olbrich's secretary. She had lost weight, and there was a hard set to her mouth. He's dumped her, thought Helga.
'Fraulein Seitz, am I right? Helga Lohmann - we met at the Olympics, remember? Goodness me, that's nearly five years ago. How are you?'
The secretary's manner remained cool. 'My condolences. I know Dr Olbrich has already sent you his. He asks you to forgive him - he can't spare any time at the moment.'
'Never mind. I can wait.'
As you like.' A cold glance, and Ulla Seitz disappeared into the office next door.
Endless waiting. She played mind games. Was the farmer in the oil painting behind her sowing seed with his right hand and putting his left foot forward, as she thought? She turned to check. He wasn't sowing seed at all but scything wheat. Remembering what was in pictures, a game she often played with Karl. Dr Weiland, their old family GP, had recommended it. 'Good memory practice for the boy.'
She could see Karl before her, hands over his eyes, guessing what was in the reproduction of Rembrandt's Man in the Golden Helmet that hung over the sideboard. 'He's got - got a green hat with a feather in it, 'n there's a - a sparrow sittin' on it, 'n the sparrow - the sparrow got a choccy in its beak.'
'Really?' she used to ask in mock amazement. And he would laugh and laugh, because he'd managed to lead her up the garden path. She couldn't help smiling. Then reality came over her again like a cold shower. They'd taken her Karl away from her.
Her watch showed five o'clock. Had she dozed off? Had Dr Olbrich called for her? Hesitantly, she opened the door of the office. Ulla Seitz was putting on lipstick in front of the mirror. 'The office is closed.'
'Dr Olbrich?'
'Gone home. He's had a very stressful day. Come back tomorrow.'
She was there just before nine next morning and intercepted him at the entrance. He stopped for a moment. 'Frau Lohmann, what a terrible accident. I really am so sorry.'
'Please tell me where my son is.'
'I'm in a hurry. The Gauleiter's expecting me. Get my secretary to make you an appointment.' And he got into the lift.
She went slowly upstairs. Ulla Seitz was just pouring tea. 'Would you like a cup?'
'No, thank you. I'm supposed to ask you to make me an appointment. I don't need an appointment. I want Dr Olbrich to be good enough to tell you where they've taken my son, and then I want you to tell me. I have to find him. He's so helpless without me.'
'I don't know that I can help you.' Yesterday's chilly tone was back in her voice.
Helga bent her head. She said, quietly, 'It grows inside you, you see, and you're so happy when it begins to kick in the womb. You just can't wait for it to arrive. And at last there it is. Your own baby. The most beautiful baby in the world, even if he isn't the same as all the others. You love your child, you'd do anything in the world for him. He needs you, just as you need him, but they take him away from you.' She raised her head and sought the secretary's eyes. 'You don't know what it's like - everything's suddenly so empty.'
Ulla Seitz was not evasive this time. 'Empty,' she repeated bitterly. 'So empty.' She paused for a moment. 'He made me have an abortion. Surely I must understand that a man in his position couldn't have a pregnant secretary. Oh yes, I understood. Most of all I understood that he wanted someone younger. She's eighteen and works on the switchboard. A pretty, naive little thing. In return I keep my position of trust, with a good salary and pension. Your son is in Klein Moorbach hospital. It's a private mental hospital with a department for children who don't fit in with today's ideas. Be careful. You won't get anywhere as a mother wanting her child back. One wrong step and you'll never see your son again.'
'Thank you.' Helga reached for her hand, but Ulla Seitz drew back, and spoke in a loud voice. 'Dr Olbrich is a very busy man. Please don't come here any more. I suggest you write to him.' Olbrich had entered the room.
Klein Moorbach was a remote hamlet on the borders of the Spreewald. Helga had brought her old bicycle on the train with her. She cycled along country roads. Bright-green birch trees, larks in the blue sky, flowery meadows - and on the path through the fields a tractor noisily spreading its stink of diesel. She took no notice of this springtime idyll. As camouflage, she had brought her easel and painting things with her. Helga had a moderate talent for water colours.
She went into the Klein Moorbach village inn. On the radio, fanfares prepared listeners for a momentous announcement: France had surrendered. The men sitting at the tables raised their heads. 'Whole damn thing'll soon be over, then,' said one of them.
A smell of vegetables freshly cooked in butter and fried meat came from the kitchen. 'Meat loaf,' the plump landlady told the new arrival. 'You'll need to let me have meat coupons, fifty grams' worth.'
'Hey, Frieda, don't you mean bread coupons?' called a farm worker from the bar. The men laughed. Helga laughed with them.
'You lot don't have to count up those damned snippets of paper,' the landlady retorted, unfazed. 'You can have vegetables and mashed potato here off the ration,' she said to Helga. 'Like a beer?'
'No, thank you. A seltzer water, please,' said Helga.
'On holiday?'
'My day off. I thought I'd do a little landscape painting. Anywhere specially pretty around here?'
'There's Moorbach, on the edge of the forest,' one of the farmers at the next table suggested. 'Only it's not safe right now. Some nutcase broke out of the loony bin.'
'Loony bin?'
'Klein Moorbach, a psychiatric hospital, they call it. Easier to get in than out again. They call you crazy these days if you so much as squint. But that chap really is a danger.'
The door opened, and a moustached police sergeant in a green uniform marched in. 'Hey, Erwin, got him yet?' someone asked.
The sergeant took off his cap and sat down. 'One of the task force shot him. Trying to do a bunk in a boat. Bullet through the head at a hundred metres. If they'd chopped his head off right away we'd have been spared the expense. But no, they put the likes of him in a padded cell instead. He abused and killed a dozen boys. I hear.'
Helga was horrified. 'But there are children in the hospital too.'
The sergeant cast her a suspicious glance. 'How d'you know that?'
Helga corrected herself at once. 'I mean, it would be so irresponsible to put a brute like that anywhere near children! High time the Party did something about it.'
'Let's have a beer, Frieda,' the sergeant called. He didn't want to know about the Party.
After her meal Helga set out, leaving her bike at the inn. It would not have been much use anyway. Waterways threaded the densely forested landscape, but there was always a tree trunk or a footbridge somewhere to help you across them. After going half a kilometre she reached a wall twice the height of a man, and made her way along it to the entrance. A notice on the railings of the gate announced:
KLEIN MOORBACH HOSPITAL RACIAL HYGIENE RESEARCH INSTITUTE BRANCH
The battlements of an ugly, late-nineteenth-century building rose menacingly beyond the gate. The hospital had been the country house of some family of the minor aristocracy. A man with a peaked cap came out of the porter's lodge with a German shepherd dog on a leash and began going his rounds. The gravel of the forecourt crunched under his boots.
Helga closed her eyes and sent her thoughts flying to the yellow-brick building
. Mama is here, Karl, she thought. She felt his warmth, as always when he clung to her for protection. He was a good boy, not at all difficult. But he was twice as helpless as his contemporaries, and thus far, far more vulnerable.
She set up her easel under a tree so that she had the place in front of her. 'Mama will get you out of there,' she said firmly.
Back home, she took up her position in Reinhard's old office and embarked on a pitched battle with the authorities. She made phone calls which generally got no further than an underling's office. She sent letters enclosing a report from Dr Weiland on the harmless nature of Karl's condition.'. . . Care by his mother at home is all that is required. There is no need for hospitalization.'
Some of her petitions and appeals were even acknowledged, weeks later. The reply was always negative. '... Must therefore inform you ... not the department responsible ... have read your letter ... we suggest you apply to ... your complaint is not upheld ... With German greetings, signed ...'
Month followed month. New theatres of war opened up. The German Army marched from victory to victory. Helga took no notice. She racked her brains during sleepless nights. Where there's a will there's a way - the old saying kept hammering inside her head. But there seemed to be no way to reach Karl.
She left the apartment only for the most essential purposes. Most of the time she sat there apathetically, waiting in vain for letters and phone calls that never came.
'This can't go on,' her sister Monika said on one of her rare visits. 'Doing nothing like this doesn't suit you at all.'
'What's the alternative, then?' asked Helga, feeling hopeless.
'Well, at least don't sit around like an old lady. Do something!'
And so, one Monday, Helga Lohmann pulled herself together and went to her old place of employment in Luisenstrasse. She had made an appointment to see the matron. The red-brick building of the famous hospital, which King Frederick William I of Prussia had named the Charite in 1727, intending it to provide free medical treatment for the poor, basked cheerfully in the sun.
Things were less cheerful inside. Young men in striped dressing gowns thronged the corridors. One-legged cripples on crutches, legless men in wheelchairs, a blond giant with burns on his face and bandaged stumps for hands - the human debris of victorious battles.
A squad of white coats hurried past. 'Eugen!' she exclaimed.
The tall, grey-haired man leading them stopped. 'Helga!'
'Your rounds, Professor,' someone reminded him.
'In a minute.' He took her hand. At twelve in my office - in Neurosurgery. I'm so pleased to see you.' The smile on his tanned face was radiant.
Her interview with the matron was brief and positive. 'Oh yes, we certainly need nursing staff everywhere. A week's refresher course, and I can use you as a fully qualified nurse. I can't promise it will be in the children's ward, but will you come all the same?'
'Oh yes, Matron, I'd be glad to.'
'Good - go down to the personnel department, then, and they'll see to the paperwork. I'll ring and let them know you're coming.'
'In half an hour's time, if that's all right. I want to look in on a friend in Neurosurgery for a few moments first.'
Helga was received by a middle-aged secretary. 'The professor's expecting you.' Professor Eugen Klemm was head of the Neurosurgical department at the Charite.
'Helga . . .' He took her in his arms. 'I can't tell you how good it is to see you. How many years has it been? No, don't tell me, it'll make me seem even older. Unlike you - you haven't changed a bit.'
'Flatterer!' Warmth flooded through her, and an unassuaged longing. She drew away from him. 'You're a great man now, aren't you? What about your private life? Married? Children?'
'Married eight years, a daughter aged seven, a son aged five. And you?'
'Married for ten years, widowed a year ago, one son. Our son, Eugen.'
It was a few seconds before he took it in. 'Why didn't you tell me? It would have changed everything.'
'We had a few blissful weeks together. We never planned anything more. An ambitious, up-and-coming doctor and a little probationer nurse - it would never have worked. You wouldn't be where you are now. And I should tell you that my husband acknowledged the baby even before he was born, and I had money of my own too, so I didn't need any help.'
As simple as that?' There was a note of disappointment in his voice.
'No, Eugen, it wasn't simple. Karl's eleven now. He's a dear boy.' She hesitated, and then came out with it. 'They've taken him away from me. He's mongoloid, he doesn't fit in with today's ideas of society. They've put him in Klein Moorbach. He won't survive there without me. Help us, Eugen.'
She could see that her revelation hit him hard, but he remained calm and matter-of fact. 'Klein Moorbach is a private clinic. Its medical superintendent is Dr Ralf Urban. He is an outstanding psychiatrist and neurologist. An expert on severe mental disturbances.'
'Karl's not mad,' she said earnestly. 'Just slower to develop than other children.'
'I know,' he said. 'But, well, things are seen differently in some quarters. Klein Moorbach is a branch of the Racial Hygiene Research Institute.'
'Yes - what exactly does that mean?'
'I'd rather not go into detail. Listen, Helga, I know Urban. I can ask him to take you on as a nurse in the children's section. I'll think of some plausible reason. You'd have to use your maiden name. In no circumstances must it emerge that you're Karl's mother.'
'How do you think I can prevent that? He'll rush at me shouting "Mama!"'
'You must think of something. I can't help you there.'
And then?'
'You're a good nurse, you get on well with children. Make yourself indispensable. Stay in Klein Moorbach - with our son. I don't know how long it will be - a year, two years? But some day these horrors will be over - the Party, the Brownshirts ...'
'Eugen, you mustn't talk like that. Of course some of the things that happen aren't right - like with my tenants the Salomons. The Fiihrer doesn't know everything that goes on. But he'll make sure it turns out all right in the end.'
'Is that what you really believe?' he asked, his voice filled with pity.
An oversight in the personnel department worked to Helga's advantage. 'Heil Hitler,' the man at the registration desk greeted her. He wore a Party badge. 'Matron rang through. Let's see. It was in 1929 you left? We should still have your file. Yes, here we are - Nurse Helga Rinke from Zehlendorf, correct? Given your blonde German looks, we won't need a certificate of Aryan origin. Have any of your particulars changed? Surname, address?' Helga said no, and two days later went to the hospital to collect an identity card with a photograph, made out in her maiden name.
The summons from Klein Moorbach took a little longer. Eugen Klemm had to invent a story for Dr Urban. 'Helga Rinke is an outstanding paediatric nurse. She would certainly be useful to you at Klein Moorbach. Young and very pretty. We know each other a little - privately, if you see what I mean. Unfortunately she's been getting rather possessive. I wouldn't like my wife to be involved. In fact I'd be grateful for your help, Dr Urban, if you understand me.'
Urban did understand him. One grey Tuesday in November, Helga was standing outside the wrought-iron gates of Klein Moorbach hospital. A German shepherd dog barked inside the porter's lodge and a man with a peaked cap appeared. 'Nurse Helga Rinke. I'm expected.'
'Got a pass?'
She showed her ID, and was let in. The gates closed behind her with an ugly screech. Gravel crunched under her feet as she approached the yellowbrick building, with its barred windows.
'You've had experience in nursing children at the Charite?' Dr Ralf Urban was an elegant man in his mid-forties, and wore his tailor-made white coat buttoned high to the neck like an officer's tunic.
'Yes, sir. Dr Sauerbruch had me nursing post-operative cases in particular.'
'Surgeon General Sauerbruch,' he corrected her.
'He was a wonderful boss.'
'My c
olleague Klemm thinks highly of you, Nurse Helga. As you know, our little patients are not normal children. They are mentally and physically damaged.' Urban pressed a bell. 'Nurse Doris is leaving us today. She'll show you your room and take you to your ward.'
'May I ask why Nurse Doris is leaving, sir?'
The woman entering the room had heard her question. 'Because I've volunteered for a field hospital at the Front. Our brave boys there need me more than the worthless creatures in this place.' Nurse Doris was a strong young woman with nut-brown hair which she had wound around her head under her cap. She wore the Reich Sports badge on her blouse.
'Show Nurse Helga round and give her the key,' Dr Urban told her.
'Yes, sir.' Doris took Helga's arm.
'One more question, sir.'
'Yes?' Urban looked the young woman up and down.
Helga had been thinking of a way to get Karl's joyful greeting over without witnesses. 'I'd like to see my new charges on my own the first time I meet them, to make sure I establish my authority from the start.'
'What do you think, Nurse Doris?'
'Not a bad idea, sir. Then Sister Helga can show the little beasts who's in charge straight away.'
'Very well, then.' Urban immersed himself in some papers.
Nurse Doris marched ahead, leading her over the gravel of the forecourt to the side wing where the nursing staff had its accommodation. The firstfloor room was bright and welcoming, with a small bathroom and a view of the autumnal park. Helga put her case down. 'Student Nurse Evi has the room next to yours,' Doris told her. A willing young thing, but not his type.' She was relishing her words. 'You'd be more to his taste. Urban sometimes has his quirky little wishes. If you want my advice, don't be prudish. He can easily make life difficult for you.'
'Speaking from experience?' Helga couldn't help but ask.
'I'm not his sort either. I'll take you to the children's ward. Here's your key - it fits every door in the building. You must keep it on its chain and lock everything behind you. We have some very dangerous inmates here. Never forget that. And as for your own patients - well, I advise you to keep the little horrors immobilized.'
