Steven laughed just seeing her laugh again. He needed her, plain and simple and he hoped she would forgive him for what was coming. He glanced around the table at the others as they watched her, their emotions plainly written on all of their faces. They were in. Forgive me, Angel, he thought.
When she finally straightened and took a few sips of water she had tears in her eyes. “Whew! I love you guys.” She huffed out a breath and looked at Chris. “If I ask for the carrots are you gonna throw them at me one at a time?”
Chris shook his head grinning. “Do I look like I want to get smacked?”
Rachel grinned. “Not yet, but the night is still young.” *
With stomachs full everyone just kind of lulled around the table. Steven wanted to find a spot and lounge, but he knew the agenda tonight and they’d put it off long enough.
Kasey leaned against Chris. “I want to get the list figured out for Mabon; it’s more detailed with the food sacrifices and such.”
Steven nodded. “I volunteer Rachel and me to do the shopping this time.”
Rachel looked at him. “I’m sure you’re able to shop on your own, Doc.”
Steven shook his head vigorously. “You don’t understand, sending me for snacks and munchies would be a mistake. I have no control. I’m a weak man with cravings.”
Rachel smirked at him. “I’ll see what I can do.”
“Good.” He searched her eyes. There was something she was hiding. He didn’t need to be an empath to sense it. He wanted to drop to his knees and beg her to talk to him. He could feel her pulling further and further away. *
Rachel looked back at him trying to figure out what he was thinking. What did that look mean? Sighing, she turned and then looked around the table. Everyone was looking at her with something she couldn’t define in their eyes. “Okay what’s going on? I feel an ambush coming on.” She looked back at Steven for a second and then to Cora.
Cora set her glass down. “We’ve just been picking up some interesting vibes with you lately or maybe its lack of vibes because you’ve hiding yourself from us, Rachel. We’re worried. We want to help.”
Rachel took a sip of her water to stall answering. “I’m fine. There’s no reason to worry.” She didn’t look back at Cora, afraid she’d see that she was lying.
Kasey frowned at her. “There is, you don’t go to the community center. You don’t do want to do girl’s night or shopping, when we were at the lingerie shop you stayed long enough to buy one thing and then took off. Have you been to see Marie and Haley?”
Leena reached over and touched her hand. “Have you been to see Connie? It must be hard on her too and now to be pregnant as well.”
Rachel pulled her hand back and put it in her lap. “I’ve been busy, really, I went through all the stuff at my place, been getting rid of what I don’t need...”
“Why?” Chris asked quietly. “You’ve been a pack rat as long as I’ve known you, why do it now?”
Her eyes darted around looking at everyone hesitantly before she looked down at her hands. “I just needed to--to eliminate some things...”
“Are we part of those things, Rach?” Dade all but whispered.
She looked over at him and shook her head. “No! No, how could you think that?” She pushed her chair back and stood up. “How could you think that? I could never do that.” She paced to the end of the table.
Steven turned in his seat. “Then what are you doing, Rachel?”
She could avoid the others’ questions, but she honestly didn’t know if she could with Steven. He knew her better than anyone. She looked at the floor in front of him. “I--I just had to make some changes.”
Owen sat back in his chair. “Why?”
“I just did,” she shrugged, trying to look more nonchalant than she felt.
Kasey grabbed Chris’s hand. “Do those changes involve you going away?”
Rachel turned and looked out the window.Did it?Hadn’t she thought about it more than once since Ricky was taken from her? “I don’t know,” she whispered. “Maybe. I’d be coming back if I did.”
*
When she said that Steven couldn’t breathe. “You’d just walk away? From us? From Connie? The kids?”
Rachel shook her head and then finally looked right at him. “It’s not like that, not the way you’re saying it.”
Steven pushed the chair back from the table, but didn’t get up yet. If he stood up now he’d shake her. The crushing feeling he was experiencing was panic and he wasn’t sure how to handle it. “Then what is it like? You’re cleaning out your house, keeping to yourself. You’ve turned your back on your friends, on children that need you right now. As much as you don’t want to admit it, you need them too.” He shrugged. “And you’re just going to walk away.”
“It’s not like that!” Her voice was shaking.
Steven opened up his arms in frustration. “Then tell us what it’s like, Rachel, because we want to understand.” His heart pounded in his chest, he didn’t know how much longer he could watch her hurting.
“I can’t do it anymore,” she whispered. She wrapped shaking arms around her waist. “I can’t keep watching them die or move on to new homes. The few that stay behind, they’re so withdrawn they fade into adulthood and barely exist or they stay behind and get into trouble because that’s all they’ve known.” She paced back and forth a few times and then looked at him. The pain on her face stunned him. “I can’t do it, but without it I don’t know who I am.” Her lips began to quiver.
It was the hardest thing he’d ever done to sit there and let her finish. His hands shook with need of wanting to hold her.
Rachel took a shaky breath. “I won’t do magic anymore either. What good is it?” She looked at him with a single tear rolling down her face. “What good is it when I can’t even use it for something that really matters?” She looked around to the other women. He glanced at them to see they were barely holding back the tears. “I can’t stay and watch all of you look as you are now every time you look at me.” She looked back at him, the tears slid down her face. “I can’t stay,” she whispered and ran out of the room.
Steven stood up finally. He could feel the adrenalin pumping through his system. Without looking at the others he stated as calmly as he could manage. “Stay here.” He walked out of the room.
He watched her grab her purse from where she had dropped it beside the door. She stumbled over to the door and was opening it as he raised a hand towards it. The door slammed shut at his silent command. “I will do magic,” he said quietly coming up behind her.
Rachel spun around and leaned on the door shaking her head. “Let me go, Steven.” Her voice was barely more than a whisper.
Stopping a few feet from her, he shook his head. “No. I’ve been letting you go for too long and I’m not doing it again.” He put his hands in his pockets to keep from touching her. He couldn’t let her go, not now. Not ever. “I’ll use magic. I’ll use words. I’ll use anything, everything I can to make you understand and to keep you here until you do.” He fisted his hands in his pockets, trying to keep them there.
Rachel put her hands over her face and shook her head. “No. I have to go. I have to think.”
“Think about what?” he asked her in a whisper. “More reasons why you shouldn’t love? More reasons why you shouldn’t care? More reasons why you think you don’t need anyone?” He fought to keep his voice soft, not knowing if he let his emotions out would his power burst free with them. She looked at him with tears running down her face and he felt more of his control slip.
“You don’t understand.”
“The hell I don’t!” He snapped. “Do you think Ricky is the first child I’ve lost? He’s not. And it hurts to say I know he won’t be the last.” He took a breath, trying to stay calm. “Don’t you think I want to just give up at times? To just say ‘well I tried’ and walk away.”
He watched the tears roll down her face and his shoulders began to shake. “Do you kn
ow what I’d give if I could use magic to help those children that need it the most? I’ve cursed my so called gifts more times than I can remember, usually when I’m trying everything, everything in my power, in my knowledge to not have to watch another child die in my hands.” His voice cracked as the emotions began to spill out. “Don’t tell me I don’t understand!”
He could feel magic soothing over him. Most likely from Kasey, but he didn’t turn to look. Shaking off the mystical touch, he took a deep breath and lowered his voice again. “But for you to walk away that’s even more wrong then if I did. Every child that’s ever been near you loves you, wants to be with you.” He tried to control his voice and keep it gentle for her. “Every child that’s been beaten and abused, that’s had a life that no child should ever know, you’ve helped just by being you. And you’re going to tell me you can’t be you anymore?”
“It’s too hard,” she whispered.
Steven nodded. “It is. But hiding or running away is going to be harder. You can’t stop what is meant, Rachel. You of all people should know that.” He took his hands out of his pockets and tapped his chest. “Do you know what gets me through it all?” He dropped his hands. “You. When I’ve hit the bottom and want to give up, I see you. When I’m ready to scream in frustration, I see you. Your vibrant and all you have to do is walk into a room and nothing else matters, it all fades.”
He finally stepped closer. “When I’m so tired I don’t know who I am or why I’m doing it, I see you, Rachel. When I close my eyes, you’re there laughing and telling me to get off my tired ass and carry on. You get me through everything. Just as you do to all those children whose lives you touch. It’s you.”
Rachel dropped her head and looked down at the floor. “I don’t know what to do.”
“Stay.” His throat began to tighten.
She shook her head again and played with the strap of her purse. “I don’t think I can.” She said it so softly he barely heard her.
He wanted to shake her, to yell and snap her out of it. It took all the strength he had to stay calm and not grab her. “I told you I had no pride, but I do. I’ll swallow it for you right here. Now.” He swallowed the knot in his throat. “I love you, Angel. I have for more years then I can remember.”
Her teary eyes looked up at him. “I love you too, but...”
“Just listen. I know you’re hurting right now.” He reached over and wiped a tear off her cheek with a vibrating hand. “I wished I could make it all vanish, I wished I could fix everything just so you would smile again.” He searched her eyes. “I want you to stay. I’ll help. We’ll all help you find your way back.” He caressed her cheek softly. “If you do stay, I don’t want to just be your friend.”
Her eyes widened but before she could speak he caressed her trembling lips with his thumb. “I want to be your friend. Your lover. Your husband. The father of your children and the person you turn to. I love you so much, Angel.”
His legs were shaking as he slowly dropped down onto his knees in front of her. He held her waist gently and looked up into her eyes. “I’m asking you to stay. Stay for me--with me. Give me a chance to make you happy. Marry me and let me love you as you should be.” He smiled an unsteady smile. “Love me back and for the love of the Gods, Angel, let me be the one to give you those babies you were meant to have.”
Rachel lifted a shaking hand and touched his face. The tears were still falling down her cheeks. “Yes,” she barely whispered and then hugged him into her and held him with shaking hands.
Steven smiled and slid slowly up her body holding her tightly. “I don’t have a ring, but I’ll buy you ten later if that’s what you want.”
She wrapped her arms around him. “I just want you.”
He lowered his head and kissed her tenderly, slowly taking it into the urgent feeling they brought to each other. Pushing her back against the door he told her without words how much he missed her, how much he needed her.
Reaching down her pulled her off her feet and against him. She moaned into his mouth and wrapped her legs around his waist.
*
Kasey turned to the others standing in the door and said quietly. “Well.”
Cora looked over at the two people so wrapped in each other they had forgotten they weren’t alone. “Um... so...”
Leena put her hand over her mouth and smiled. “Should we...”
Dade shook his head. “God no, this is like live porn. I need a beer.”
Cora smacked him and pulled on his arm to leave the room
Owen grinned at Chris. “Your house,” he whispered.
Chris grinned then cleared his throat loudly. “There are three empty bedrooms upstairs.”
*
Steven raised his head and looked down at her. Rachel blushed and hid her face in his shoulder.
Dade laughed. “I’ll show you where one is, if I can watch.”
Steven let Rachel slide down to stand on the floor and glanced over his shoulder as Rachel hid her face in his chest. “Now look at the mess you’ve got us in,” he whispered into her hair.
She looked up at him grinning. “Me? Was I holding you pinned to the door?”
Kasey cleared her throat. “We’ll be in the living room, when you catch your breath.”
Leena giggled and turned to follow everyone out of the room.
*
Several minutes later they walked in, composed and grinning. Steven sat quickly and pulled her into his lap.
Dade sighed. “No more secrets, bro. This has been killing me. Knowing and not being able to rib Rach about it...”
Rachel’s jaw dropped and she turned to Steven. “What?” She looked back at Dade. “How long have you known?”
The grin left Dade’s face as Steven glared at him. “Uh-since Lammas,” he said quietly.
“What?” She turned to Steven. “You told him?”
Steven held up his hands. “No. He--sort of--saw--after.”
Rachel covered her face with her hands. “Hide me,” she whispered and turned her face into his chest.
Steven grinned down at her then looked up at all the eyes staring back at him. Grinning he held up his hands and shrugged. “I’m a weak man, she seduced me.”
She smacked his chest. “A liar is what you are.”
Chris laughed. “Well that certainly fills in a few puzzling moments for me.” He leaned over to Cora and studied her for a moment. “So, where were you during this so called all night thing at the temple?”
Rachel spun towards her. “It was a set up?”
Cora smirked and looked to the empty cushion beside her. “It’s Dade’s fault.” She turned to Chris and grinned. “I was at Dade’s watching sappy chick flicks with him that night. I saw a tear in his eye a few times too...”
“What?” Dade shook his head. “You must have been seeing things, Honey. Damn stupid movies, make no sense.” He threw up his hands and sat back shaking his head.
Steven looked over at Owen. “This reminds me I need to buy your kitchen table from you...” Rachel hid her face again and Dade covered his and groaned.
Leena sat back into Owen’s arms and sighed. “The balance has returned.”
Kasey nodded. “Yeah.” She jumped up. “Oh!” She ran from the room.
Steven watched her fly by. “And the race goes on.”
Rachel leaned over and bit his lip. “I want four.”
Steven smirked at her. “Four what?”
She flicked the stud in her tongue out twice. “Babies,” she grinned.
He watched her mouth and smiled. “That could be arranged.” He licked her bottom lip. “Just let me know when you want to start.”
Rachel gripped his hair with both hands and pulled his face closer. “Immediately.”
She crushed her mouth against his.
Kasey came back and slid to a stop beside them. “Oh!” She looked around. “Are we going to have to pry them apart soon?”
Steven lifted his head and winked at her
. “Good luck with that.”
Dade shook his head. “I think you two should by-pass the long engagement.”
Rachel chewed her lip and looked at Steven. “We could have a triple hand fast at Samhain?”
Steven grinned. “Whatever you want, Angel.” He turned to look at Kasey. “What’s that?” He motioned to the box she held.
“Oh!” Kasey looked down and then walked over to Leena. “Happy Birthday.” She held it out. “It’s not completely for you, but we worked together to get it done.”
Leena sat up and took the box and rested it in her lap. Smiling she opened the lid and peaked in. “Oh.” She sighed. Reaching in the box Leena pulled out a fine chain.
Lifting it she held up a mobile with sparkling crystals handing from it. “For the baby.” She whispered. Owen reached and took it holding it up. Leena looked up at Kasey. “It’s so beautiful, thank you.” She started to cry.
Kasey dropped down and hugged her.
Dade sat up quickly and looked at Leena then at Steven. “New rule. Only one of these women can be pregnant at a time.”
Steven grinned. “What’s the matter Dade, tears get to you?”
Dade sat back and glared over at Cora.
Chapter 20
Steven opened the door and ran into his house. “Honey, I’m home!” He looked in the living room and then turned when she came out of the kitchen. He grinned. “My week is finally over. I have four days of freedom.”
She smiled at him. “You seem pretty energized for a man that’s been working almost straight through the last week and a half.”
He grinned and grabbed her waist. “I had the incentive.” He kissed her quickly. “Did you get more stuff moved in?”
“Yes, I’ve almost got the house cleaned out now.” She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him.
Steven groaned and picked her up. “I’ve missed you.”
“You’ve seen me every day.”
He growled. “Every day when I’ve been exhausted or paged or I’m coming home as you’re going to work.” He bit her neck. “I had more success getting my hands on you before I asked you to marry me.”
“You’ve managed a few times since then.” She played with the hair on his forehead. “You’re not going to like this.”
Harvest Dreams Page 20
