He reached under to pull my breasts out of the basque cups and hold them as he banged into me, feeling and fumbling and plundering the soft flesh, flicking and pinching at my nipples. All of me was all of his and I knew he liked me to know it.
‘I suppose you’d like to come, would you?’ he asked between thrusts. There was no telling from his voice whether this question would lead to ecstasy or agony.
‘Yes, please, sir.’
‘Ah, well, you’ve been a good girl,’ he said. One hand quit my breasts and replaced itself over my clit, the fingertips pressing down in the way that always guaranteed a messy, wet-eyed, hot-cheeked orgasm from me.
This was no different. I bumped and ground on his fingers while he fucked hard. I fell into a chasm, a blind place of intense sensation. I was only aware of the noise I was making a few seconds after I started making it.
He took up the cry, lower and shakier, as if a part of him had been torn out with the orgasm. We collapsed, kissing damp brows, hugging each other’s bones.
A phone rang.
Jasper swore and yawned and seemed set on ignoring it, but at the last moment he reached down to the floor for his trousers and retrieved his phone from the pocket.
As soon as he got it, it stopped ringing. But he had seen the caller ID, because his eyes widened and he returned the call with a jabbing, urgent finger.
‘Who is it?’ I asked, pulling the sheet over me. ‘Is it the call you’ve been waiting for?’
He nodded, then spoke into the receiver.
‘Jim, hi, how’s it going?’
He got out of bed and wandered into the bathroom, leaving me to claw the air with frustrated curiosity.
He had been waiting weeks to find out if he could get funding for his next film project. I have to admit, a part of me was hoping that the answer would be no. There were things about this film that were awkward for me – especially since that stupid newspaper story. But he was set on the idea to the point of saying he’d produce it independently if it came down to it.
Now James Gretsch, one of the three big backers he had been courting, was on the phone. I found myself craving a cigarette and I didn’t even smoke.
He burst in so triumphantly that I didn’t even need to ask what the answer was. Gretsch had taken the bait.
‘Hang on to your bustle, baby,’ he announced. ‘Dunraven and Walters are coming to Tinseltown.’
Chapter Two
We were halfway through decorating the tree before he’d be drawn on any details. I had asked every question in my mind and more, but he’d deflected them all, wanting only to savour his moment of bliss until its purity faded and it had to be kept alive by talking it over.
‘So the film is going into pre-production after Christmas,’ he said, handing me a bauble. ‘And we’ll start filming in April.’
‘When you say pre-production,’ I said cautiously, trying not to get prickled by the little pine needles as I tied on the bauble, ‘that includes casting, I guess? After Christmas?’
He sucked a breath in between his teeth.
‘Yes,’ he said, ‘well, I need to talk to you about that.’
My chest fizzed uncomfortably. I hadn’t agreed to this. I wasn’t going to be made to agree to this.
‘You didn’t say …’
‘Hush. We did discuss this, didn’t we? When we rehearsed the script. Nobody is more perfect for Walters than you, my love.’
‘But Jasper!’
‘We’ll need to sort out an Equity card for you, that’s all, then nothing will stand in our way.’
‘Yes, it will!’
‘Oh?’
He put down the jewelled robin ornament he’d been toying with and put his head on one side, as if to say, ‘You aren’t going to spoil my fun, are you?’
‘I’m not an actor. And – don’t say what I know you’re going to say because that’s not the crux of it. I’m not an actor and I don’t want to appear on film all over the world doing things that, to me, are private.’
Jasper put down the robin and reached for my hands, which were freely given.
‘Look,’ he said. ‘The thing is, it’s a stipulation of the studio that you and I appear in this film. After that story about us shagging in that Mayfair square the other week, it’s golden pre-publicity. It’s the reason they finally decided to back it.’
‘Oh, God. How about it being a good film by a good director?’
‘Not good enough, I’m afraid.’ Jasper shook his head. ‘My reputation’s high with the critics but I’m not box-office enough for that. I have to make concessions. One of them is that you play Walters.’
My breath was too short for speech for a while.
Eventually I looked him full in the face.
‘I am not,’ I said, slowly and firmly, ‘doing or showing anything on film that I wouldn’t do at the museum. No nudity. No sex acts.’
‘It’s called acting, Sarah. Obviously nobody is going to actually fuck.’
‘No, but the other stuff. You know what I mean. I’m not showing my bare bum to the world.’
‘I think you already did,’ said Jasper, and he was referring to the newspaper scandal.
‘That was extremely blurred and hardly recognisable as a bum,’ I replied. ‘Plus, it wasn’t meant to be public.’
‘OK,’ said Jasper. ‘I talked about this with Jim already.’
‘You did? Why didn’t you say?’
‘I like watching your agitation sometimes. It’s all right. Relax. Christ.’ He put his arms up to deflect a sudden hail of small wooden angels. ‘Sorry, OK?’
‘You’d better be. So what have you and Jim cooked up?’
‘He’s fine with the idea of body doubles for us. So in the kinky scenes, your head and face will be there but the body will belong to another woman. And the same for me, as the man.’
‘Body doubles? So … we won’t actually be doing the naughty stuff on camera?’
‘Oh, we will. But when we get into the editing suite we’ll swap our body parts for somebody else’s. We have to do the scenes, Sarah,’ he added quickly, ‘or the facial expressions and noises won’t be right.’
‘You dub the sound over it anyway,’ I protested.
‘Some of it. Come on. The world will see no more than your face and a bare arm and foot or so. That has to be good enough, right?’
I put down a length of tinsel and sat on the stairs, my chin in my hands.
‘I don’t know. This is too weird for me. It’s a long way out of my comfort zone.’
‘I know. That’s why you’re considering it.’ He winked at me.
I flapped my hands at him.
‘Come on, Sarah. You hate your comfort zone. You’re never there. You’re like the absentee landlord of the place.’
‘That’s not true,’ I countered. ‘Just because I do all sorts of things I’d never have countenanced with anyone else – with you. It’s because of you. You’re my comfort zone, because I trust you.’
‘There.’ His eyes lit; I’d signed myself up. ‘You said it. And you’ll be with me. I’ll direct you. You can take direction, can’t you?’
‘You know I can. It’s just … this isn’t private any more. I’m not sure …’
‘Listen, darling, you don’t have to give me a yes or no answer right this minute. Nothing will get done until after Christmas and New Year now anyway. We’ve got that long to mull it over.’
‘I like a bit of mulling,’ I said. ‘But I usually prefer it when wine’s involved.’
‘That’s a good thought,’ he said, sitting down beside me and taking my hand. He spread out my clenched fingers, one by one, in his palm. I sighed into the gesture, always seduced anew by his touch. ‘We’ll make some mulled wine tonight. And I’ve promised Jim I’ll source the potential body doubles, so I’ll sort that out this afternoon. Once this tree is decorated.’
‘Where do body doubles come from? Is there an agency?’
‘Well, no, I rather thought I’
d call a friend.’
‘What friend?’
‘A friend on the club scene. BDSM club scene, that is. They’ll be able to point me in the right direction.’
‘I see. Will they be actors? I mean, the one doubling for me might be called upon …’
‘No, she won’t,’ said Jasper firmly. ‘It’s a condition of the financing that you play opposite me. Otherwise this film will never find a studio.’
‘They just want to market it on the back of that tawdry newspaper story,’ I said in disgust.
‘Yes. Yes, they do. And that’s the way of the world, I’m afraid, my love, and if it gets me my backing then I have to go along with it.’
‘This project really means so much to you?’
‘Let’s say it’s been on my mind for years and years but I never thought anyone would go near it …’ He picked up the tinsel. ‘Can you use tinsel in bondage, I wonder?’
‘Uncomfortable,’ I surmised. ‘Horribly prickly.’
‘That sounds quite good.’
He wound the end of it around my wrist and tethered it to the banister.
‘There. You sit there and mull and I’ll finish the tree. If you need to use the bathroom, you’ll have to ask permission.’
I could easily untie myself, using my other hand, but I was happy enough to sit there and do as I was told. I was tired and my head swam with the enormity of this news.
The entire course of my life could change, the moment I made my decision. If I took this role, it was unlikely that I’d be able to continue with my job at the museum – not that that job was the be-all and end-all, but it was a step on the path I’d laid down for myself at sixteen, when I made my A-Level choices. And I loved history and heritage; had dreamed for years of working in a similar role.
Could I really throw it all up to play a kinky Victorian maid with a spanking stunt double?
It was the same question all over again, the one that kept rearing its head nowadays.
How much was I prepared to give up for Jasper?
I watched him as he pondered over which ornament to place where, making an art of it, as he did with everything. Such fastidiousness, such attention to detail. It was what made him such an amazing lover, such an amazing dom. Nothing was left to chance. Everything was deliberate and planned.
To be honest, I hadn’t yet had to give up anything much for him. Only a crap flat, in order to move in to his exquisite home. Not much of a sacrifice, on the face of it. But then, there were little things that perhaps I’d let go of too easily. I’d failed to cultivate friendships with the museum staff after moving in with Jasper, allowing them to wither on the vine instead. And I really needed to call some of my university friends. I had changed my phone number after the big press incident, and hadn’t got round to telling people what it was now.
I should do it. I should have sent Christmas cards. I should have done a hundred things that got forgotten about because I was far too busy having mind-blowing, body-wracking sex.
And I’d been nervous of contacting them as well. Nervous of what they might think of Jasper, of what advice they might give me. I could face censure, I could face hostility even, but I didn’t think I could face their disappointment in me.
But then, perhaps they would approve. Perhaps they would think it none of their business, or wish me luck with it and hope we might be happy. To cut myself off from all other relationships over fear of a bit of disapproval seemed silly now, especially in this season, when half the world was turning to friends and family in celebration.
I watched Jasper place a star at the top of the tree, having had to climb on a stepstool and tiptoe in order to reach that high.
‘We put an angel at the top of ours,’ I told him.
‘Controversial,’ he said, twisting his neck to raise an eyebrow in my direction.
‘Not really. Because it’s right.’
‘Did you mean for that to sound like fighting talk?’
I shifted on the stair, trying to decide if my bottom was still sore. It wasn’t, not really. Other parts of me, though, were not in such acceptable condition. Probably best not to start a verbal sparring match just now. The angel/star debate could keep.
‘Of course not,’ I said, prim and proper as I could be. ‘’Tis the season to be jolly, after all.’
‘Fa la la la la, la la la la,’ sang Jasper. He had a good singing voice too. He had good everything. It really wasn’t fair.
‘On that subject, I’m thinking of getting back in touch with some friends,’ I told him.
He stepped down from the stool and came to sit beside me on the stairs.
‘Go for it,’ he said. ‘I didn’t think you had any. You’ve never mentioned anyone. Bit strange, I thought, but I didn’t like to ask.’
‘I just … got out of the habit of being social, I suppose. When it was just you and me, here, over the summer, I forgot that anyone or anything else existed.’
‘Mm, so did I,’ he said with a dreamy smile. ‘Bloody wonderful, wasn’t it?’
‘Well, it still is, I hope. And it still can be, even with the outside world mixed in.’
‘Of course.’ He reached over and untied the tinsel from the banister. ‘As long as we’re in the middle of it, together.’
‘Right.’
He took my freed wrist and kissed the inside of it, a gesture that always unleashed ten million fluttery pulses in me. He held it against his cheek, gazing soulfully into my eyes. ‘Will you be honest with your friends? About us?’
‘It’s not really any of their business, but if they ask, then yes.’
‘You might lose a few.’
‘I know. That’s why it’s taken me so long to get the courage up. But I hope at least a couple might understand.’
He kissed the tip of my nose.
‘Brave girl,’ he said. ‘And now, I’ve got calls of my own to make. I’ll be in my office.’
He went off to take care of business and I stood up to give the Christmas tree a full appraisal. It looked glorious, warm and twinkly, like the Christmas tree of my childhood dreams. But I wouldn’t be spending Christmas here with Jasper – I’d be down on the coast with my parents, and he’d be with his mother in East Anglia. It wasn’t going to be easy, but we were going to have our own Christmas the day after Boxing Day and it was going to last all the way into the New Year.
I went back up to the bedroom and found the sim card of my old phone in a dresser drawer. Who would I call first? Stella? No, she was forthright to the point of abrasive. I’d leave her until I’d eased myself in a bit. Who was easy to talk to and undemanding and unjudgemental?
Rosie.
I found her number and dialled it, my fingers slippery over the metal rectangle. I was insanely nervous. I wondered if I’d even be able to talk.
It rang twice and then I heard a kind of gasp on the other end.
‘Oh, my God, Sarah, is it you?’
‘Rosie. I’m really sorry, so sorry, it’s been ages, I know …’
‘You changed your number! I tried and tried to call you.’
‘I know, I’m so sorry, but I was getting calls all day and night on that old number so …’
‘I bet you were!’
I stalled, suddenly aware of how noisy it was at Rosie’s end. She was in a pub or a café or something by the sound of it.
‘Sorry, are you OK to talk now? Are you busy?’
‘Oh, fine,’ she said. ‘Just having a coffee with friends.’
‘Ah, London life,’ I said wistfully.
‘Yeah, it’s brilliant, you’ll have to come up.’
‘I’d love to. Or you could come down here.’
There was another pause.
‘To … Jasper Jay’s place?’ she asked, as if in disbelief.
‘Sure. I mean it’s my place too. Oh, God, we have too much to talk about. Let’s meet up soon.’
‘I couldn’t believe it when that story came out,’ she said eagerly. ‘I’d been wondering where
you were – all I’d had from you was a text about starting your new job back in September – and then, last month, bam! All over the papers, up close and personal with a famous film director. How did you swing that one?’
‘It turned out that house I was employed to work in over the summer was his,’ I explained. ‘And he came back early from filming and we … got to know each other.’
She snorted. ‘Just a bit,’ she said. ‘Anyway, you’re not the only one who’s been making new friends.’
‘You’re seeing someone?’
‘Oh, yes.’
‘Rosie! That’s excellent news! Tell me all about him.’
‘I would have put him on to speak to you, but he’s just been called away to talk about something in the office.’
‘Office? I thought you were having coffee with friends?’
‘Yeah, some of the friends kind of own the place. That’s who he’s talking to. Anyway, he’s called Dimitri and he’s dreamy as fuck.’
‘Dimitri?’
‘He’s Russian. A moustachioed Muscovite.’
‘Oh, wow, that sounds …’ Actually, I wasn’t sure how it sounded. ‘Amazing,’ I finished.
‘He is, take my word for it.’ Her voice tailed off into a sigh and then I heard something that sounded oddly like a whipcrack.
‘What was that?’
‘What?’
‘That noise? Was that you?’
‘Oh, no, somebody at another table,’ she said vaguely.
‘Where are you?’
She giggled.
‘Believe me, love, if I told you I’d have to kill you. Although something tells me you’d be cool with it.’
‘Rosie!’ I was too intrigued now.
‘Sorry, got to go. Dimitri’s coming over and he looks as if he has big news. I’ll call you back, OK?’
‘OK. I think Jasper’s coming out of his office anyway. Call me when you get a moment.’
I pressed ‘end call’ and went into the hall to intercept Jasper.
‘How did it go?’ he asked politely.
‘What?’
‘Your friend – did you call her?’
‘Oh … yes. She was a bit distracted though. How about you?’
‘Success. My friends at the BDSM club know the very people to play our body doubles. And I’ve decided to invite them down for a couple of days over New Year. What do you think? A bit of a party perhaps.’
Her World of Submission Page 2
