He closed his eyes and shook his head. “I remember that. She screamed, and the gunman was charging toward her. I saw that guy, Aiden, step out from behind the cash register, and the gunman put a bullet in his chest like it was nothing. I closed my eyes after that, so sure I was going to die too, and then I must have blacked out. The next thing I remember was waking up after being in surgery.”
“She has the same memories. Seriously, it might help to talk to her.”
He looked down at me with sympathetic eyes. “I’m sorry that she lost him. I really am, but I don’t think I can talk to her. Trust me when I say that I’ve talked to my therapist about this for the past six months, and it’s only gotten marginally easier to deal with everything. I don’t want to rehash it again. I just want my life back. That’s all I want.”
I nodded, knowing exactly how he felt. “Me too,” I said softly. “More than anything I want to be a normal college student with my only concerns centering around which frat party I’m going to this weekend. I want to hang out with my sorority sisters and be silly and not worry that every loud noise is someone with a gun. Jared, you said you’re afraid all the time, but you’re not the only one. Even though I can’t pinpoint why I’m afraid all the time, I still feel it. Do you think I want to live in the town I grew up in, with my parents and go to community college? Hell no. I just want things to go back to the way they were – more than anything.”
All of a sudden it was like I’d said something wrong. Jared pulled away from me and leaned against the table behind him, appraising me for a few seconds before he nodded, almost as if he was agreeing with me.
“What?” I asked, not liking the look he was giving me.
“You need to go back to school in the fall,” he said resolutely after a few seconds of painful silence.
“Excuse me?”
He sighed. “Cass, if you have any hope of getting back your old life, the one you loved, then staying here, working at Dawson’s and going to community college isn’t what you need to be doing. You’re better than this.”
I raised an eyebrow at him. “So, I’m better than you? Too good for you? Please don’t even go there again, because I’m not about to have the same conversation we had less than a week ago.”
He sighed. “This has nothing to do with me. It has to do with wanting the best for you, and this isn’t it. I don’t have a choice. I have to stay here, but you can leave, go out, live your life and make something of yourself.”
“Are you kidding me right now?”
“No,” he said tightly.
“So everything you said last weekend about loving me and wanting to be with me and never wanting me to leave was a lie?” I asked, my stomach twisting at the thought.
I had a horrible, irrational fear that because he’d hated me in high school, Jared had played me and now he was getting me back for being a bitch to him.
“No,” he said firmly, squelching any fears I had when he stood up and pulled me into his arms. “Cassie, I love you so much, but I also don’t want to hold you back from anything.”
“So you’re pushing me away?”
“No, that’s not it. I just don’t want to see you not follow your dreams. You loved going to school at Coleman, and when you told me last weekend that you’d stay for me, it was exactly what I wanted to hear, but not if it’s going to keep you from living your life. I don’t want you to stay here if you’re not going to be happy.”
“I’m happy with you,” I insisted.
“Good. Me too. And we can still be together. I’m not the biggest fan of long distance, based on how it worked out for me last time, but it’s just for a year, and I don’t think for a second that you’ll treat me like Brooke did. And next year, I’ll go to Coleman with you.”
“You would do that?”
“Yes, I would.”
“But Jared, you got into Columbia. Don’t you want to go to there? Or to another comparable school?”
He shook his head. “I don’t need a degree to be a writer. I just want one. And Coleman has a great English department. I looked into it when I was applying to schools. Then my dad left, and I decided to stay here.” He shrugged. “Anyway, it doesn’t matter where I go, and you love Coleman, so I’ll follow you there.”
I sighed, hating to say what I had to say out loud because then it would be real. I hated real. It sucked most of the time. And what Jared was offering me was perfect. Long distance wasn’t great, but he was stuck in town until Austin graduated in a year, so it was the best he could offer. It meant the world to me, but I couldn’t do it.
“Did you ever think that maybe I’m too afraid to go back?” I asked quietly. “I haven’t stepped foot on campus since the night of the shooting, and there’s a reason for that. I loved college and going to school at Coleman, but that was before. Things are so different now, and when I think about getting my life back, I haven’t been able to picture myself there. Where I’ve pictured myself is with you, and whether I finish my AA here or at a four year college, it doesn’t matter because I don’t know if I’m ready to go anywhere right now anyway. I need time. So don’t try to push me away, because I wouldn’t stay if it wasn’t the right decision for me. You’re just a really nice, completely hot, bonus that comes with staying here.”
That sparked a small smile on his face. “Could you have said that any better?”
I looked up at him, my arms still looped around his waist. “I love you, Jared Lansing. And you’re going to have to be okay with that. Just try getting rid of me.”
“I just did,” he said playfully. “It didn’t work.”
My mouth dropped open in mock horror, and he grinned.
“I’m kidding. Cass, I don’t want you to go anywhere, but I also don’t want to hold you back. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. You’re the girl who made me feel like I could change the world if only I were brave enough to live the life in front of me.”
I raised my eyebrow at him. Those might have been the most beautiful words I’d ever heard. “Is that a line from your new book, because if it is, I think you might have a best seller on your hands.”
He laughed. “No, I totally stole it from a Goo Goo Dolls song.”
I smacked his chest. “That was cheap, using song lyrics to win me over. You’re ridiculous.”
“Oh, like I’m the first guy in the history of the world to ever use a song to get into a girls’ heart. Please. And besides, I wasn’t trying to ‘win you over’. According to you, you already love me.”
I mock-pouted, trying to look cute. “I do love you. You know I do, but you’ll score major points with lines like that – just for future reference.”
He smiled. “That’s what I was hoping for – a repeat performance of this morning. That was very enjoyable for me.”
I laughed. “You’re so cute. I think I can definitely promise a repeat of this morning. You deserve it.”
He beamed. “Whoo-hoo,” he said quietly, making me laugh.
I loved that he was playful with me. When it was just the two of us, I got to see this amazing side of him that was hidden underneath, and it was the part of him I loved the most – well, that and his ridiculously huge heart.
“So seriously, that was a great line, but did you mean it?”
“Yeah, I did,” he said sheepishly. Then he leaned down and kissed me. “Every word of it. You told me to be brave, to stop finding reasons not to go after what I want, and I’m going to do it. I’ll do it for you, Cassie.”
“I want you to do it for yourself,” I told him, because he deserved it. He was so selfless at times that it drove me crazy. I didn’t want him to sacrifice anything for me. He did that enough for Austin and Scott and everyone else in his life.
He leaned down and kissed me again. “Fine, I’ll do it for myself too.”
I smiled. “I’m going to hold you to that then,” I said, looking up into his blue eyes that looked so alight with hope. “I expect to witness more greatness out of
you, Jared Lansing. I expect you to start living your life from this day forward.”
“As long as I have you by my side,” he countered.
I nodded. “I told you I’m not going anywhere.”
“Then you have a deal,” he said, and then he kissed me again. When he pulled back he had an apprehensive look on his face again “I have to ask you something.”
“What is it?” I asked, getting nervous all over again.
He took a deep breath. “Evan’s graduating in a month and a half. I want to go, and I wanted to see if you’d come with me.”
My heart started to pound as he said that, reminding me where Evan went to school. “To Coleman?”
“Yes,” he said softly, taking my hands in his. “It’s in the auditorium. We don’t have to go anywhere near the dining hall. I just – I’m – I don’t want to go alone.”
“I can’t say that sounds exciting,” I said, trying to make light of a suddenly heavy situation.
“I know.”
I didn’t want to go, but I also knew I couldn’t say no. I could see in his eyes that he wanted me there more than anything. He really didn’t want to go alone.
“Please,” he said, his blue eyes tight with apprehension locked on mine.
I nodded. “Okay, but only if we can stay far away from the dining hall. I don’t want to go near there.”
Fortunately the auditorium was at the edge of campus, so we could truly avoid the dining hall if we wanted.
He nodded. “Deal.”
He took my hand and we started to leave the classroom. A glance at my watch told me I’d already missed my psychology class, but I’d had a question for Andrea about the paper I was writing, so I asked Jared if we could stop by her office. He nodded, so we headed in that direction.
I’d met with her a few days before for the interview I’d promised I’d do after I got back from Wisconsin. She’d asked me a series of questions that were surprisingly easy to answer. I liked her approach. It didn’t feel like she was trying to dive deep into my psyche but more like we were having a conversation about Will and Aiden and what I could remember from that night. I’d started to get emotional when I talked about my friends, but she hadn’t pushed me.
Then she’d asked a lot about my emotional state from the past few months, what made me upset, what made me feel okay. In truth it was hard to tell the angle of her thesis from what she’d asked, but now I was curious to read it when she was finished. And what was strange was that it felt kind of good to talk to her, to get out what I’d been going through. It was kind of cathartic.
I thought about the business card that Mr. Graves had handed me. I’d been so adamant for months about seeking any kind of professional help, but now that didn’t seem like the craziest idea.
Or maybe I’d be fine on my own.
Andrea’s door was partially opened when I knocked on it. I saw her sitting at her desk, and she looked up and smiled warmly at me.
“Hi Cassie. How are you?”
“Hi Andrea. I’m good. I just had a question about my paper. Can I come in?”
“Sure,” she said gesturing to the chairs in front of her desk.
I sat in one and Jared took the other. “Andrea, this is my boyfriend, Jared.”
She smiled warmly at him. “Jared Lansing, right?”
He looked at her in confusion. “Yeah, do I know you?”
She shook her head. “No, I’m writing my doctoral thesis on the psychological neuroses that lead to mass shootings and what the victims and their families go through in the aftermath.”
“Oh,” Jared said, not sure what to make of that.
“I know who you are, since I’ve studied what happened at Coleman. I pretty much have the names of all the victims memorized, but as I told Cassie, I hadn’t reached out to anyone since it’s just too soon after. I don’t feel right doing that. Of course Cassie volunteered to let me interview her and her friends, and I’m so grateful for that.”
Andrea smiled at me, and Jared gave me a look like I had two heads. I hadn’t told him about the interview. I’d meant to, but I honestly wasn’t sure how he’d feel about me doing it.
“So, what was your question, Cassie?” Andrea asked me.
As we were leaving her office, Jared turned to me. “You really let her interview you?”
I shrugged. “Yeah, sure. It was no big deal.”
“That seems sort of invasive. What did she ask you about?”
I recapped the gist of the interview for him.
“Marley, Reese and I talked about it, and we want our stories to be told, not in some sensationalized kind of way through a media outlet, but people should know what we went through, and if the research that Andrea is doing causes others to open their eyes to how something like this could be prevented in the future, then I’m all for it. Anything to do something, you know? I’ve felt helpless for so long, but when I was talking to her last week, I felt like I was moving forward for the first time in months.”
“Who’s going to read her thesis?” he asked.
I shrugged. “Her professors at Northwestern, and if it’s good, then they’ll publish it and then other professors will write trade articles that support or deny her theories, but either way, it’ll be out there. It’s a start.”
He smiled at me as he slid his arm around my shoulder.
“What?” I asked him.
“Nothing. I just wonder if you didn’t choose the right major in college.”
I sighed. This was a sore topic. “I’m not sure law is what I want to do anymore. I don’t know. I think I’m undecided.”
That had never been the case. I’d been aiming to be a lawyer since I was a freshman in high school. It was logical. It was what my parents did, so it just made sense for me. But I just couldn’t picture myself doing that anymore.
“What can you see yourself doing?”
I shrugged as I remembered what had sparked in me when I’d been talking to Reese and Marley and then again when I was talking to Andrea. What she’d said made so much sense to me. It was truthfully the only thing I could connect to since the shooting, but I kept going back to how what had happened could have been prevented.
I found myself becoming fixated on the gunman and why he’d taken such a drastic step, why he was so desperate that he’d felt the need to kill people he didn’t even know. It was so senseless, and I kept wondering if someone could have stopped him.
“I’m thinking about exploring psychology, maybe.”
Jared laughed. “But you hate shrinks. Every time I’ve ever brought up that I’m seeing a therapist, you get this weird, uncomfortable look on your face.”
He wasn’t far off.
“Hey, I’m not saying they’re right for me, personally, but a lot of people benefit from seeing a psychologist. Maybe I could help others.”
“I’ve been seeing my therapist for a few years now,” he said softly, and I looked up at him in surprise.
I didn’t know that. I thought he’d just been seeing her since the shooting.
“Really? Why?”
He sighed. “The stuff with my parents, my dad leaving, my mom abandoning us, having to grow up so fast and be a parent to Austin. It was a lot to deal with, so Chris and Diana suggested I talk to Kathy. I did, and now I see her once a month. I’m not sure where I’d be if I hadn’t done that, so personally I’m a big fan of psychologists, and I think you’d be really good at it. You’re a good listener, Cassie.”
I smiled and leaned against him as we walked. “We’ll see. I’m not locking myself into anything yet, but it’s an option.”
“It’s a good option. Truthfully, it’s better than what I was thinking you should do.”
“And what’s that?” I asked, looking up at him, the bright sunlight overhead bouncing off of his dark hair.
He smiled. “Politics.”
I snorted. “That is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.”
“You seemed so passionate about want
ing to change the world and have your voice heard when you were telling me why you talked to Andrea. I just figured you could go be a lobbyist and fight for gun laws or something. I don’t know.”
“Ironically, that’s what Reese, Aiden’s brother, is going to do now. He told me that last week when I saw him. It’s not up my alley, though. I’d much rather do something more subtle, you know, help that one kid who’s struggling to make sense of it all.”
He hugged me tighter as he unlocked the doors to his truck. “I think you picked a perfect career then. You can consider me your first patient.”
I paused and looked up at him. “You’re going to be okay, Jared. You know that, right? And I had nothing to do with it.”
He leaned over and kissed my temple. “Actually you had everything to do with it, and I love you for it.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
Jared
This was honestly my favorite part of any given day. Cassie was in my room, we were just hanging out together, being stupid, but neither of us had anywhere to be and the whole night stretched out before us. She couldn’t always stay with me since it was weird having her parents keeping one eye on us and knowing that when she wasn’t at home, she was in my bed, but she managed a few nights a week since it was hard to stay away from each other. We were at that stage in our relationship where any amount of absence away from the other person is torture, so even if I was separated from her for an hour, I got excited to see her again. It was cheesy as hell, but I kind of loved it.
“Marley texted me earlier,” Cassie said from where she was lounging on my bed reading a magazine.
I was doing my calculus homework and had to keep pulling myself back to it, since every few seconds Cassie would interrupt me, I’d look over at her, glimpse her long tanned legs and want to dive across the bed and tackle her. But I had a massive amount of work to get through, so I wasn’t going to let myself play with her until I finished. It was a little torturous to say the least.
“What did she say?” I asked, forcing myself not to look at her and get distracted. I kept my eyes on the problem I was working on.
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