“Yeah, we did that as a memorial after what happened,” Noel said, shaking his head. “Sick, fucking bastard. I’m glad he got what he deserved.”
Cassie squeezed my hand as he said that. We were thinking the same thing. Nothing that happened to the gunman had been fair retribution for what he’d done to all of us. His life for the lives of fourteen others and the emotional stress that the survivors and the families of the victims would carry around for the rest of their lives, no way was it even.
“So what have you been up to?” Noel asked Cassie then, and I let them talk, figuring it would be good for her to catch up with old friends.
I met several other brothers, and Cassie stayed to talk with them for half an hour before she turned to me and said we should go. I knew the guys were anxious to start their night, and I wanted to get to Cassie’s apartment and as far away from campus as I could. As we left the house, she stopped by the memorial again.
“They were such good guys,” she said, shaking her head as she put her arm around my waist and leaned into me.
“I know they were.”
I didn’t know Will or Aiden, but I knew enough to know what she said was true.
“It just sucks,” Cassie said softly. “Will would have been graduating tomorrow. It’s so unfair.”
It was unfair. The whole situation was unfair, and it did suck. But there was one good thing that came out of that day, and we both knew what it was – us. I knew that had the shooting never happened, I wouldn’t be with Cassie. I probably wouldn’t have even known what I was missing out on, but now that I knew, I considered it to be a bright spot in a day of terror.
It was literally the only bright spot. I don’t think either of us realized it while it was happening, but being together helped us put the pieces of our lives back together faster. When you had someone to share your pain and to lean on when things got tough, getting past them became a whole lot easier. And now, when I could see Cassie was hurting, missing her friends and revisiting the injustice of what happened that day, I wanted to be there for her, hold her in my arms and take away some of her pain. It was the least I could do.
Cassie sighed once more and then turned away from the pictures. We headed back outside, her leaning against me as we walked, my arm around her doing what I could to protect her and keep her safe from the demons we both knew could be lurking anywhere in the dark night.
We drove to her apartment in silence, her directing me where to turn and park, and then me following her to the second floor. The apartment smelled stale and dusty when we walked in and turned on the lights, but it looked equally lived in. Magazines from January were littered on the coffee table, a textbook was on the kitchen counter, and a pair of rain boots were by the front door.
Cassie picked them up and smiled. “I’ve been missing these.”
She set them back down and started to walk around the living room. I watched her looking at pictures and books and framed art on the walls, giving her the time and space she needed as I set our overnight bags down by the front door.
“It looks the same,” she commented as she ran her hand over the fireplace mantle. “But I feel like I haven’t been here in ages.”
She was looking at the pictures that lined the mantle. I could make out some of her and Marley, but there were also ones of her or Marley with people I didn’t recognize. Cassie looked happy and so beautiful in all of them. She looked like my girl living a different life than the one I’d known, and more than ever I wanted her to have that life back.
Cassie turned to me and yawned. Then she smiled. “You’re the first boy I’ve had sleep in my bed,” she said, her hands on her hips.
“I am?”
She nodded. “Yeah, I never brought guys back here. Congratulations on making it over the threshold.”
“I can sleep in the car,” I offered playfully. “I wouldn’t want to de-virginize your apartment.”
She smiled. “No way,” she said, crossing the room to me. “You’re sleeping with me. Besides, this place saw enough action from Marley and Aiden that it won’t be surprised.”
She took my hand and led me down a short hallway to a room that was purple and cream. I barely had time to look around after she flipped on the light since she was dragging me to the bed. She pulled me down next to her and wove her arms around my neck.
“Welcome to my old life,” she said as she looked up at me.
I looked around the room and then back at her. “I like it.”
She smiled. “It’s better now that you’re in it,” she said, and then she kissed me.
* * *
The sunlight filtered through the blinds waking me up the next morning. Cassie was tucked into my arms and still asleep. A glance at the clock told me we had three hours before we had to be at the auditorium for the start of graduation. It was a morning ceremony, and we were going to lunch with Austin and Evan afterward. I had no idea if either of my parents were attending. If they were, my brother hadn’t told me, and I was kind of hoping they’d both just skip it, which was a strong possibility.
As I slid out of bed, I realized how tense I felt and figured I had time for a run before I had to jump in the shower. I’d let Cassie sleep while I went to the gym. We’d driven by the clubhouse the night before, and I’d seen a small workout room that would suffice. Pounding out a few miles on the treadmill would make sure I wasn’t a ball of stress for the ceremony.
When I got back an hour later, Cassie was in the bathroom in her room. She poked her head out and smiled at me.
“Damn, you look hot and sexy after a workout,” she said, as I kicked off my shoes.
“Sorry, I had to relieve some stress.”
“Baby, I could have done that for you,” she offered in a low, sexy voice, waking things up below my waist.
I glanced at the clock. “I’m actually still kind of stressed,” I said in mock sheepishness.
She laughed and dropped the make-up brush she had in her hand. “I can help,” she offered as she stalked toward me and wrapped her arms around my waist. “Ugh, you’re all sweaty.” She tried to pull away, so I pulled her down onto the bed with me.
“You love it,” I said, wrapping her up in my arms.
She squealed. “Eww, get off,” she said, pushing against my chest.
I released her and settled down next to her, rolling my head to the left so I could look at her. She mirrored my action and met my gaze. Then she froze, the smile fading from her face as it slowly morphed into a look of horror and confusion.
“Oh, my God!” she said then, and I wasn’t sure what was happening.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, as she bolted up in bed and pushed away from me. I sat up and looked at her, afraid to move any more.
Her hand was covering her mouth, and she was looking at me as if she was afraid. “Oh, my God!” she said again, her breath coming in short bursts.
“Cassie, what’s wrong? Talk to me.”
I looked behind me, afraid that there was a snake or something else that I’d have to kill, but there wasn’t anything there. I looked back at Cassie to see her still staring at me in disbelief. She was shaking her head back and forth, her eyes never leaving mine.
“The blue eyes,” she said, and I wasn’t sure what she was talking about.
“What?”
“Blue eyes,” she said again.
“Cassie, I don’t understand,” I pleaded with her, not sure what was happening.
She was starting to scare me. I was honestly afraid this was some delayed reaction to her getting shot in the head. Could brain damage be delayed eight months? I didn’t think so, but now I wasn’t so sure.
“You have blue eyes,” she said then.
“Yeah, I do,” I said as calmly as I could.
I’d always had blue eyes. And I knew she wasn’t just realizing this since she’d told me how much she liked them. She was seriously scaring the hell out of me.
“You’ve never worn that hat before,” she accuse
d, as if I’d done something wrong.
“Not around you, but I’ve had it for years. I found it under Austin’s bed last week.”
I wasn’t sure when Austin had stolen my black White Sox hat, but I took it back as soon as I found it. It was my favorite hat. In truth I probably should have given it to Evan since I owed him one. I’d borrowed his the last time I’d visited him at school, and I’d never given it back.
Cassie was shaking her head again. “You were there,” she said, the tears that had formed in her eyes spilling onto her cheeks as I realized exactly what she was talking about.
I’d been wearing Evan’s hat that was identical to the one I was wearing now the night of the shooting. I had no idea what had happened to it, but it had been on my head when I’d hit the ground.
I knew in that instant that Cassie had remembered everything. The way she was looking at me with a curious mix of fear and pain told me I’d managed to trigger the last of her memories. And it was the last thing I’d wanted to do.
“Oh, my God. It was you,” she said. “The boy on the ground. He told me to stay quiet, to play dead. He was bleeding so badly, and he looked so scared. That was you?”
I felt a wave of nausea hit me as she described what I’d looked like in her eyes that night. Too many memories assaulted me at once.
“Baby, I’m so sorry,” I said as I started to cross the room toward her.
She looked at me in horror, so I stopped. “You knew?” she accused, knowing from the fact that I hadn’t reacted that I’d known what she was just now figuring out.
“Yes.”
I started toward her again, but she stopped me, putting her hand up, so I froze mid-step.
“How long have you known?” she asked, her face twisted in disgust. “Don’t tell me you knew all along. Please don’t tell me that, Jared.” She was shaking her head. “Don’t do that. Don’t tell me you lied to me all these months.”
I threw my hands up in surrender. “I didn’t know all along,” I said honestly. “I didn’t lie. I swear. I figured it out a month and a half ago.”
She just stared at me as if processing what I’d just told her.
Then her eyes narrowed. “A month and a half ago? But you remembered everything from that night,” she questioned, her head cocked to the side as if she didn’t believe me.
“I thought you were someone else that night,” I said quickly, trying to make this right, because things had suddenly gotten really bad. “I thought you were a girl named Jeni. I didn’t know it was you, Cassie. I promise.”
“But then you figured out that it was me,” she said, a sour tone to her words. “A month and a half ago.”
Dammit. She sounded so resolute. I had no idea how to fix this. She was pissed.
I sighed. “Yeah, I did. I realized it was you.”
I mumbled the last few words, knowing how bad they sounded now. It looked like I’d been lying to her, but I hadn’t. I’d been trying to protect her.
“I’m sorry,” I said when she didn’t respond to me, because what else could I say?
“You’re sorry?” she questioned. “You’re sorry? You’re sorry?!”
I recoiled as her volume elevated with each word.
“I didn’t want you to know, because I was afraid this would happen,” I said quietly.
“I don’t even know what to do with that!” she spat out.
“Cassie, please,” I said, because I could see how she was looking at me.
She was pissed and hurt and was pushed back against the corner of the room in an effort to put distance between us. I hated that I’d made her feel like she couldn’t come to me when she was falling apart. I wasn’t sure what to do, and I was terrified that there was suddenly a wall between us. My biggest fear was that she wouldn’t be able to forgive me.
“I didn’t want to hurt you,” I said, willing her to believe it was the truth. I couldn’t lose her.
She slumped back against the wall, almost as if her strength had given out, and without thinking, I crossed the room to her in three strides, pulling her into my arms. She started to cry, heaving, gasping sobs escaping from her as she bawled against my shoulder, so I held her as tight as I could, wanting to let her know that I was going to keep her safe. I’d always keep her safe. I’d never wanted to hurt her.
I held her until she stopped crying and my t-shirt was soaked with her tears. She was listless in my arms when she pulled away and slumped down on the bed.
“Are you okay?” I asked her, knowing what was going through her head in that moment. She had to be reliving that night again and again and again.
She shrugged.
I squatted down so I was in front of her, and then I took her hands in mind. “Baby, talk to me. Please.”
“You need to get in the shower,” she said, her voice tight, and I looked at her in confusion.
“I’m fine.”
“Just go,” she said tersely. “We’re going to be late.”
I stood up but I didn’t make a move toward the bathroom. “No,” I told her.
I’d looked at the clock over the stove when I’d first gotten back to her apartment, so I knew we were cutting it close, but I couldn’t bring myself to care.
Cassie looked up at me, and I couldn’t read what she was thinking from that look. “Just go, Jared.”
The last thing I wanted to read from her words was that she wanted me leave the apartment. I wasn’t about to do that for anything. I wasn’t leaving her, especially not in the state she was in. I didn’t care how upset she was with me.
When she looked away from me in irritation, I reluctantly left her for the quickest shower of my life, not sure what she was going to do while I was gone. I just hoped that she didn’t leave. But when I came back out, she was sitting in the exact same place staring at the wall. I watched her off and on while I got dressed and then she stood and walked back into the bathroom to finish her make-up. When she was finished, she came back into the bedroom, slipped her heels on, grabbed her little purse and waited for me. I watched her for a few seconds before I headed for the door, thankful that she was following me.
She didn’t say a word as we got in the car and drove to campus, but I held her hand the whole way, feeling helpless that I couldn’t do anything. I didn’t know what she needed.
Austin texted me to let me know he was by the fountain in front of the auditorium, and I looked for him as Cassie and I walked hand-in-hand toward the building. I saw him talking to someone, and my heart sank as we got closer and I realized it was my dad. He was the last person I wanted to see at that moment. I really hoped my mom wasn’t there too. I couldn’t deal with both of them at the same time.
“Great,” I said, not realizing I’d said it out loud.
“What’s wrong?” Cassie murmured, saying her first words to me in a half an hour.
“My dad’s here,” I said glumly, gearing myself up to face a man who hated me as much as I hated him.
“Yeah, it’s pretty cool, but I don’t know if I’ll do it,” Austin was saying as we walked up.
My dad was nodding as if he was mildly interested in what Austin was telling him, and poor Austin looked like he just wanted validation from the man who’d never given it to him. We both knew he wasn’t going to get it.
“Hey Jared. Hey Cassie,” Austin greeted us brightly when we walked up.
“Hey,” I said tightly and squeezed Cassie’s hand more firmly. She didn’t say anything.
“Jared,” my dad said stiffly, reaching his hand out to shake mine.
“Dad,” I said, as I took his hand in mine, squeezing it harder than I needed to, making him wince. “How are you?”
In truth, he looked like shit. He was rail thin, his skin was ashy, and his eyes were bloodshot. I smelled the distinct odor of alcohol on his breath and wondered if he was drunk or just self-medicated. I wasn’t sure if there was even a difference for him anymore.
“I’m fine, son. How are you?”
“Never better,” I said flatly. “This is my girlfriend, Cassie.”
My dad’s gaze flitted over to Cassie, and an amused look washed over his face. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”
Dammit. I knew he couldn’t be civil for five minutes. He’d better not say anything rude to Cassie, or I wouldn’t hesitate to punch him.
“This is your girlfriend?” he said when I didn’t grace his first verbal jab with a response.
“Yes,” I said, knowing I probably shouldn’t have justified his question with an answer.
He laughed. “How much are you paying her?”
I watched Cassie’s eyebrows shoot up as he said that, but she didn’t say anything.
“Nice to see things haven’t changed for us,” I said instead of responding to his hateful question. At least he hadn’t called me a worthless bastard. That had been his choice word for me while I’d been growing up.
“I’d have assumed you would have brought your little boyfriend, Scott, but there you go surprising the shit out of me again.”
I narrowed my eyes at him, pissed off that he just couldn’t resist.
“Oh, come on, Jared, I’m just teasing you,” he said, but we both knew he wasn’t. Fag was his second favorite term of endearment for me. “But really, you could never get a girl that good looking. She’s way out of your league.”
God, I so wanted to hit him. Hard.
“How’s Mom, Dad?” I asked him, knowing it would drive the knife in deep, right where I wanted it without me having to get physical.
“You watch your mouth, son,” he cautioned, taking an aggressive stance, and I dropped Cassie’s hand.
“Don’t go there, Dad,” I cautioned him right back, preparing myself in case he swung.
I was not really going to swing at him at my brother’s graduation, but I would defend myself if he tried to fight me. I wasn’t the punching bag I’d been for him growing up, and he needed to know that.
He pulled his fist back just as Austin stepped between us. “Hey,” he said, putting one hand on each of our chests. “Don’t do that. Dad, you came here to see Evan graduate, now why don’t you go inside and get a seat.”
“You’re a little punk,” my dad said to me, hate and spit flying from his mouth in tandem. “Just like when you were a kid.”
Paper Airplanes Page 34
